I lost myself and my virginity to an escort experience, now my heart is broken

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Sabishii, Jul 22, 2018.

  1. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    Shortly after writing my text about the prostitute I got a panic attack due to the fear of STD's I might have gotten from her. It led to another emotional collapse, so because of my despair and pain I went the only path and help I could think of: finally confessing everything to my parents.

    It was the hardest thing I've ever done. To literally express the most intimate and personal secret I have. To see and get their reaction. They were/are shocked and sad, but soothing and understandable at the same time.
    Although, after the confession I've started to question my decision to tell them. Remorse, shame and guilt were going to settle in. Self-loathing about not being able to deal with it myself, but to harm my parents with this disaster. The feeling of being a disappointment to the only close people I've left in my lonely life.
    On the other side, they're trying to convince me that they won't condemn me. That they love me. That they want to do everything to help me.

    I really don't know, if it was a good or bad decision to tell them. I'm in a complete ashamed and useless condition now. I cannot look into my parents eyes without the ever surrounding fact of what happened. It's like a brand mark on my fore head I used to hide, but couldn't. A brand mark, which from now on is always present when being together with my parents. The only people I have.

    They want me to visit a day hospital or inpatient treatment. They really care about me. Though, for me it's like the ultimate defeat. I've lost everything. My virginity, my last bit of self-esteem, my dignity in front of my parents, the strength of controlling myself.

    By this time I'm completely broken. And this may be just another self-pity entry to my journal here on NoFap. If there's anything positive about sharing this, it's the fact that visiting escorts and prositutes led me to the biggest pain of my life and to omnishables. If you're as lonely, depressed and desperate as I am, don't ever go to an escort or prostitute.

    It's destroying your life.
     
  2. Xdecidestoquit

    Xdecidestoquit Fapstronaut

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    That was a very interesting story, sir. You might feel depressed by how your life is but let me tell you with this story, you raised impressive awareness for guys like me who are 29 year old virgin and the thoughts of having sex with escorts has crossed their mind numerously. I salute you for sharing this story and I really hope you do recover from this agonizing era of life. Us virgins have had it tough in life. I know I criticize us a lot and might even call such people (including myself specially since being virgin is not my only flaw) genetics failures. But what is important and life saving here is to reconsider our thoughts about ourselves. Look at yourself in the mirror. You are you and you can't change that. blaming yourself would do nothing but to make you feel worse. You know there are lots of other interesting things to do in life. You can think it this way "Contrary to what other people are, people like us are not here for passing genes to the next generation. They are here to experience every bit of existence. Every bit of nature for example. To fully understand the meaning of life on earth or even go beyond that. I know I might sound weird but what I am trying to say getting focused on the beauty of universe and things you are interested in can elevate your spirit. Read books that immerses you in to another world. I just want you let you know suicide should be your last choice. Fight for your life. You deserve to have it.

    This long comment comes from a guy who lives in Iran, one of the worst countries to live in at the moment. With extremely terrible economy, and highly restricted laws that makes you feel imprisoned.

    You can make it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
  3. I'm gonna guess, Sabishii, that further down the road you're not gonna regret having told your folks. I'm gonna guess that you're gonna be extremely grateful. You now have a team behind you to support you in getting whatever kind of help you need, whether that's psychiatric help or the inpatient program that you mention. It sounds like you've hit an important bottom, one that spurred you on to reach out and get vulnerable with the people closest to you, which is exactly the last thing any addict wants to do. I'm extremely optimistic for you, Sabishii. This could be a turning point. And how awesome is that that your parents are supportive?? I see a bright future for you.
     
  4. I think salvacion is right. You now have the ability to speak to someone right before you get the next strong urge. You have someone who might questions your behavior. Your parents know you for many years and they will notice if somethings wrong again.
     
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  5. Man I'd be careful with that Incel shit. I just saw a clip of a Vice story on Incels and no homo, the guy in the video was actually a good looking dude. He just hates himself severely and it's all a mental issue. You can most definitely get sex without paying for it. It just takes work and more than likely rejection, which is what most guys are afraid of, myself included. Maybe lift some weights and try to work on yourself? Getting down to around 10 percent body fat does absolute wonders for your jawline. It really does make you more attractive. Lifting weights will even cure your depression, which is what I need to do, but I'm too depressed to get motivated. Kind of ironic huh?

    Anyway, I'd stay away from escorts and try to go out and talk to some girls. I've thought about escorts, but I figured that they're literally just enhanced pmo. Not much good can come from that. I know how it is though man. I still struggle with my self-esteem and it really does feel hopeless sometimes. It just takes time to heal yourself. We think with such negative paradigms and I've been doing it for 10 years, so it's definitely gonna take some time to rewire my thoughts. It's just so fucking hard sometimes.
     
  6. preposterone

    preposterone Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice man, I've started C25K (I'm skinny fat so tryna lose my belly - struggled on the very first workout), my counselor suggested that I should first just form platonic relationships with women, so that I can get used to not seeing them as "potential girlfriends", but just another friend that I'm not trying to bone. In the end only time and discipline can help me heal.
     
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  7. Platonic relationships with women are very healthy in my experience. I'm with your counselor!
     
  8. Light of Freyja

    Light of Freyja Fapstronaut

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    What you feel is shame. Everyone colors shame as negative but without going through shame there is no self improvement. There is still hope for you. Germanic males do not fully mature until their 30s and generally find younger wives. My advice to you is make yourself strong physically and mentally and start looking for high quality women to persue an actual relationship with holding in mind the idea of having lots of children. Stay strong and stay away from porn and whores (even if they are no cost they have little benefit to you).

    O and women are far more attracted to confidence than being a cutesy pansy 130 lb Legolas wannabe. Research how to lift weights; testosterone coupled with a sense of personal honor will cure your anxiety. Us males get comfortable with our patterned way of life and we die from the inside out if you get "locked in" a particular way of behaving. We don't need therapy we need work and the balls to build the future we want. Trust me, you don't want to find a girl by chance you want to choose a woman to direct your love towards.

    Time is a wasting but don't panic. You got this, it just takes effort and vision.
     
  9. Mmmm... this coming from what I would guess you would call a "Legolas wannabe," I find this post more than a little disturbing.
     
  10. LoverDude

    LoverDude Banned

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    For that $1,000, you could go to some Asian massage place for $30/hour then they ask if you want a handjob release for another $40 to $50, so for $70 to $80 you get a nice massage with happy ending. So beside enjoy one time, you could enjoy 12 to 14 times in a year if you go once a month.
     
  11. DorkBird

    DorkBird Fapstronaut

    It sounds like the escort experience has entrenched itself deep into your subconscious mind. It seems that you are trying all your might to resist it, but ultimately the force of the urge forces you to go on autopilot and go ahead to see the prostitute. Even when the surroundings looked off putting and the prostitute looked nothing like her picture, you went ahead and did it - dont beat yourself about it, it only shows the strength of the addiction.

    One of the techniques I have learned while fighting the addiction was instead of using my mind and intellect to resist the attacks from the subconscious urges, to attack the subconscious urges deliberately, directly, mindlessly and repeatedly.

    I try to think of where my greatest weakness is, the strongest excuses that my mind gives me that pushes me into a relapse - and then I create a sentence that targets exactly that. For me, its hard for me to rationalize the misery I feel when I am experiencing an urge. So my autosuggestion is targeted at giving meaning to that pain - "Whenever I am feeling the pain of not being able to hunt for pictures of women online, I will realize that enduring the full spectrum of this pain will help me to build up my self control."

    Try to come up with an autosuggestion that hits at the root of the urge. And then repeat that autosuggestion to yourself 5 times in a sitting (takes about 3 minutes at a time), 12-20 times a day, regardless of whether you feel it working or not, regardless of how strong the urges are. Think of it like pounding on the enemy with artillery, the same way its been bombarding you with its images and urges. You can do this mentally, while sitting in a bus, doing some work.

    When I first started this, it seemed silly to me that repeating a sentence mentally would help me with this addiction and its urges. And for the first week, I didnt notice any gains and I was still actively edging like crazy, for hours on end. By the second week, I inexplicably gained strength, and I noticed that I was able to resist stronger urges than I had been able to in the past. I was able to stop the edging as well.

    I think consider trying this method. Because it gives a method to your resistance and empowers you to fight actively regardless of how strong the urges may be. You might still relapse and see another prostitute/escort, but the key is to continue with the resistance regardless, no need to feel shame, just attack with increased vengeance. What ive noticed is that if I persist, the subconscious urge weakens considerably even after a relapse.
     
  12. Hell yeah. You're doing more than I am. I want to get back into lifting weights, but I lack the motivation and I've been a little low on money for the food I need. I'll get back into it eventually. I might even lift some weights today. That sounds good that you're just trying to be friends with girls. That's a great way to meet potential girlfriends actually. If you befriend a girl then she might try to hook you up with a friend of hers and that would help with your confidence. It's not as scary as cold-approaching a random girl in public that's for sure.

    I'd also recommend a book called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. It will really help you overcome your self-hatred and will give you an idea of where it came from and also how much it can affect your life. I might go read it again actually. It's one of the best books out there in my opinion.
     
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  13. Target365

    Target365 Fapstronaut

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    You look like a very intelligent person to me. I don't know whether you will going to call her again or not because i understand its very difficult for you to see things clearly after that amazing time you have spend with her but one thing i can promise you if you get into this, a day will come when you realise this is not what you really want and if you could have handle this situation with little more strength then life would have been much more better.
     
  14. TomWalk

    TomWalk Fapstronaut

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    I’m 32, I’m a virgin. It sucks. And I was thinking about an escort. Some of my friends (the ones who know about my virginity) have offered to hook me up with some of their lady friends and some have suggested escorts. And I think about it all the time. But because of your story, I will think much less about it. I won’t take the easy way out. If you are looking for how your situation has anything positive in it, there it is.
    By sharing your story, you are helping countless others. That is very very very important.
     
  15. im_broken

    im_broken Fapstronaut

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    Hang in there man, like you said yourself, time can heal wounds. Get checked for STD if u need to and formulate a plan forward and take it one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other.

    You are not your thoughts, you are not your feelings
     
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  16. inaz

    inaz Fapstronaut

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    Sad story man, but at the same time I can see a bright light in the end of the tunnel. As @salvacion_a_888 said, you might regret having told your parents now, and feel shame about it, but I really think you should see the other side of it. It takes really A LOT of courage to do what you did, and as many people will tell you around this forum, opening up to close people about your addictions is one of the ways to help you beat it. I think this may really be a turning point for you, specially because after your second experience you realised that it's not worth it. Really, if you have that money that just came out of nowhere, invest it into something that will REALLY make you feel good, not just instantly. Like going travelling, or starting a project, investing it on stocks, or just saving it for the future. Really, 1000 euros is a lot of money, don't waste it in an addiction that will give you instant pleasure but will just make you feel even worse than before, and that you will someday regret deeply having spent all that money. Don't go into this story of "just one last time and then I'm done", that's the absolute classic of addicteds, they always only want "one last time", but this one last time throw than once again on the vicious cycle that we know, and that's how they keep feeding their addiction for ever and ever.
    Really, if I could give you only one advice it would be: GET YOURSELF OCCUPIED. Do something!!! Wether it is finding a job, subscribing to a gym and working out, finding a new hobby that gets you motivated and that occupies your mind, or joining a local football team (as you said you used to play it), which could be great for moving your body and at the same time putting you in to contact and socialization with other people. The most important is that it is something that makes you feel good ON THE LONG RUN, not just instantly. Something that makes you feel fulfilled, that you are accomplishing something, or working for something that matters. It's the best way to get yourself motivated and build self-esteem. Watching films, series or playing video games as someone mentioned here might be good for distracting yourself when you have nothing else to do and feel the urges, but does it really brings something valuable into your life? Does it makes you feel proud of yourself? Will you remember it as something good when looking back in the future? Probably not (or maybe yes, I don't know you to say).
    I know it's hard to start doing something when you feel depressed and demotivated and just have no wishes at all, but just chose something and force yourself to star it. It may be hard and demotivating in the beginning and you might feel like giving up, but DON"T, that's just your brain trying to get you back to it's confort zone. It will pass quickly, and after you break this first barrier, you will start feeling good about it and about yourself. Doing a list of things that could interest you and writing them down on a paper as someone said earlier could be great, and then chose something that is possible for you, your location, etc. But remember to ask yourself before choosing if it's something that will make you feel good afterwards. Get yourself moving, occupy your schedule with interesting activities, work, whatever, you said yourself that you are mostly free now, so channel this time and energy for something constructive. Don't stay at home doing nothing all day, cause that's the greatest trap and the best recipe for depression, shame, emptiness, lack of motivation and self-hating.
     
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  17. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    First of all I'd like to thank everyone in this thread for your support. I'm not going to quote every single post, but let me tell you that I'm trying to implement every of your advices and that I'm re-reading this thread on a daily basis for realignment.
    Also, I want to make clear that I don't want to degrade escorts/prostitutes in general or demonize them as a bad choice for everyone. I'm only speaking for myself, being a possible warning for people with similar symptoms like me.

    Emotionally I'm in a slightly better condition now, but I can't get rid of the experiences I've made. I'm still thinking about those two women and the sex I had with them every day. Though, the addictive feelings and the emotional rollercoaster I've had right after those meetings have been pushed down a bit. They're not eliminated, though. The past days I've found myself browsing escort/prostitute websites again and was close to a relapse by calling another prostitute - but I could quit it, though I did it with the help of PMO.

    My parents were and still are pretty awesome in how they work with me on my problems and how they don't reject me. It's still a little bit awkward, but at least I'm not living with this secret alone anymore. And my parents are the only close ones I have. With their help I visited several clinics the past days. I don't want to go into inpatient treatment for now, but I'm on a waiting list for a day hospital with a chance of getting in in the upcoming weeks.
    Until then, I must and will try to break my social isolation by a) trying out a nearby gym, b) visiting a depression/anxiety support group, c) looking out to work more in my part time job and d) going serious on my plans for my future after studying (investing more time in jobs search, sending out job applications etc).

    Nevertheless it's still a daily fight against my urges. My addictive feelings are coming up every now and then, there are days with immense irrational behaviour by browsing any updates on nearby prostitutes or the specific escort woman I met. Also, I'm suffering from spotting attractive women out in the wild, especially during this summer season. It's very hard to see their beauty without getting any closer to them. In those moments the urge to get the escorts intimacy and warmth back is really strong.

    I don't know, what's going to happen in the upcoming weeks. It's all covered in fog, which scares me. As for me, I'll try to fight my urges as good as I possibly can. Though, I can still feel those dangerous feelings inside me. I can't promise myself that I won't relapse or see escorts/prostitutes again. Only time will tell.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2018
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  18. Light of Freyja

    Light of Freyja Fapstronaut

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    You put women on a pedestal higher than you place yourself. Find a hobby to distract you. Learn how to lift weights. Its fun if you treat it like an artform and physical strength can teach you a lot about inner strength if learn to like it. I started taking cold showers and I find that to be an interesting topic of research too. Fencing, guitar, etc... take your mind off of women for awhile.
     
  19. Alijay

    Alijay Fapstronaut

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    Your mind is lying to you. It happened to me before where i thought I was in love with an escort but found out she only see $$ and wont even tell me her real name. It is better to socialize and met someone at a bar or gym.good luck
     
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