I Love my Future Partner - Another Reason to Leave Porn Behind

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Rationaliser, Mar 26, 2021.

  1. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    Most young people, including my past self, start the journey of rebooting for the benefits they experience individually for themselves - motivation, recovery from PMO and other addictions, lifestyle improvements, development of education, career, hobbies, healthy disciplines, etc.

    But I've found another big reason and source of motivation for quitting porn for life, thanks to reading the relationship/dating sections.

    I've been thinking a lot these days about girls, love and relationships. I feel a strong desire to have someone in my life whom I dearly love with all my heart. Due to my life situation, though, and my current plans, I have to choose to remain single and abstinent.

    But whenever the time is right and I find someone whom I love and want to live with, I wanna be able to maintain true exclusivity in the relationship. I wouldn't want someone I loved to not be given 100% of my intimate energy. I wouldn't want my relationship with her to be held back by pixels on a monitor. I wanna be hers, fully and completely.

    I've read in many threads here how SOs of porn addicts have felt cheated, betrayed and often lied to because of/about the addictions. It's not pleasant reading about the long-term damage those relationships go through.

    Having read what those ladies had to say here, I've been determined to not ever let my own woman in the future have to experience any of that.

    PMO recovery isn't just about me anymore. It's also the one I'll spend my life with.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2021
  2. Chug

    Chug Fapstronaut

    Good for you. My wife has said for 20 years that PMO is completely the same as cheating, and only now I understand that she was right all along. Good luck!
     
  3. OttarrTheVendelCrow

    OttarrTheVendelCrow Fapstronaut

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    Well said. This is something that I think a lot of people on here need to think about. In my opinion, NoFap is not about quitting porn and masturbation but rather developing a healthy sex life.
     
  4. Retentionman

    Retentionman Fapstronaut

    Sounds like a plan man, you will do it, good luck
     
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  5. DaleEarnhartJr

    DaleEarnhartJr Fapstronaut

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    This post isn’t just for young people. I’m 36 and tell myself this every day.

    Lost the most important woman in my life, and the family and life we were creating, 7 months ago because my porn habit came out and she left.

    It was the most painful experience of my life, and anytime I feel the urge to relapse, one of the things I tell myself is “think of your future partner”.
     
  6. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

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    Oh my goodness Rationaliser, I can't begin to explain how wonderful it is to hear you say that. I have been dragged down to hell by by husbands addiction, the constant lies, the evasion, the horrific feeling of betrayal etc, its ruined my life and I'm actually a nervous wreck although I can't speak to him about it because he won't let me, he just gets angry. I NEED to know everything he did to me, but he just lies. The lies will eat away at you and your soul and I'm crying as I type. If you can keep this in mind the woman you eventually end up with is a very, very lucky lady. Kudos to you and thank you on her behalf <3
     
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  7. Tell your kids about their father's secrets in front of him and then we'll see who gets angry.
    I wouldn't lie , I also used to get angry when someone interrupted my porn sessions. Now when I remember that I feel like going in the past and smacking myself.
    That anger comes from the fear of not being able to watch porn in future. Don't be afraid of his anger when you confront him because he is the most timid version of himself at that moment.
     
  8. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that. It was touching to hear. Your account reemphasizes to me the importance of truth and transparency in keeping my future woman happy. I would never do to her what your husband is doing.

    I don't know your situation well enough to be specific, but I want you to know that there's always something that can be done to make change. It might involve difficult decisions and confrontations, and there might be a lot of pain and discomfort in consequence, but it's always an option and you're never completely helpless. You can try asking yourself this: how much of my pain and suffering is caused by my OWN (in)action, independent of anyone else's? The best antidote to suffering is moral effort, and people in modern times don't realize that since everyone's looking for and offering "easy" fixes and evasive solutions.

    Whatever I said might not be practical or applicable to you, and you don't have to engage in the discussion. I'm just trying to be helpful. I wish you lots of courage. <3
     
  9. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

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    Hi, thank you for your reply, I'm very grateful.

    The main problem is that he WON'T acknowledge that he has a problem. Well, after calling me a liar, crazy, obsessed with the problem, its all my fault etc, he eventually admitted he had a problem and promised to stop, but that was ages ago and although I think he's off P atm (simply because he's so kind and sweet to me atm, when he was heavily into it, he was an absolutely horrible person) he's still MO'ing, I'm almost certain of (I have a pretty good way of finding out that I don't want to say publicly in case he ever reads this and recognises himself in my posts). We can go ten days without having sex and sometimes more (he's only 32) and he flatly denies he's doing it alone, even without P. We lie together in bed every night, closely entwined and he NEVER shows any signs of being aroused. I did suggest gently recently that he might have low testosterone that was causing his lack of interest (but I know full well it's not that because he's Mo'ing about 4 or more times a week at work or maybe when he goes to the loo at home) and he just laughed, bordering on being a little nasty about it, but he reined it in, and said that he was just stressed atm and said he couldn't understand what the fuss was about, we 'do it loads' apparently. I know he feels this way because he's satisfied. His denials are such that I feel like he's actually in denial of what he's doing without me, as if he's SO into lying he doesn't even know he's doing it.

    I would love to know what you mean when you say that "how much of my pain and suffering is caused by my OWN (in)action, independent of anyone else's", I would love to be able to help myself and him at the same time, so if I can understand what you mean, it might really help me.

    The problem with him is that he refuses to even acknowledge that he's doing it alone. I sort of believe that he's not using P because of his kindness and gentleness towards me atm, but I wonder whats triggering him into doing it wihtout. I suspect that he's seeing something online (Psub) and then going for a quick one in the loo at work, but he doesn't realise that that's whats making him unarousable at home (like when we cuddle up) because he's already done it.

    I *can't* get him to discuss it unless he acknowledges it and I'm scared to bring it up because I CAN'T say 'I think you're doing it without me several times a week', because from past experience, that would cause rage and denial and threatening to leave me because he says, 'I can't cope with this', which if I didn't have children I'd just go, I'm so low from the lack of intimate affection that I would definitely go.

    When we do do it he's clearly very into it (when he was using P he struggled to get and maintain an erection anyway), he says how amazing and lovely I am etc and says things like 'we should do this more', as if we've never even had the many discussions about not doing it enough, it's just so bizarre.

    So, I'm just stuck in this sort of no mans land, where he's nice and happy and kind but there's no physical affection in general and if there is, ie cuddling at night, it never goes any further than that. Even when we do do it, its always me doing all the work, everything for him, he does nothing for me and he tells me (good naturedly) to 'hurry up and come' because he can't last any longer, which although thats better than PIED, at the same time it means its not the greatest experience.

    I really would welcome ANY comment you have because I'm desperate.

    But please, for your own sake, please please please keep going and never do this to someone because although I'm mostly happy on the surface (I have to be for everyones sake) inside, I'm utterly destroyed.

    Thank you so much and please reply, I really would like to hear what you have to say on what I can do to help myself.
     
  10. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

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    I know exactly what you're saying Munch, I feel that he's angry because he's trying to protect himself from being able to do it, he doesn't want to acknowledge it in case it means stopping. Would you please mind reading my reply to Rationaliser in this thread, I'd like to hear your perspective on this.

    One thing you said I found very interesting, and thats that you want to smack yourself for this. He seems to have NO conscience about what he did/is doing to us all. I don't think he's using P atm simply because he's soooo nice to us all and when he's using he's a really foul beast. But I do think he's still doing it alone several times a week. He says things like how happy he is that he isnt on 'that stuff' any more because it made him feel depressed and dead inside and so I think that if hes using Psubs to do it at say, work or in the loo at home, he's fooling himself that that's nothing and what he's doing is normal (my 2nd reply to Rationaliser explains this a bit more). I think he really feels hes cracked it and we're through it now, but we're not because I'm so physically neglected, and plus I have a pretty good idea that he's still at least Mo'ing.

    You say tell the children but I can't. My eldest son is only 12 and is pretty innocent (he's been home schooled since he was 10 and I can't see any evidence that he's sneakily using anything himself) so I can't possibly say that stuff in front of him.

    Ironically, hub even says to me when he (12 y/o) is old enough, I'm going to twll him how this wrecked our lives and how he must never get into it - he says it like he's completely cured, which he really isn't.

    His denial is the main problem. And he seems to have NO idea of the monster he was when he was very heavily using P, he talks about 'that time' as if the only one hurt by it was him. I have voice recording of the way he used to talk to us and even now, listening to them shocks me, but I can't show him those. He ruined so many birthdays and Christmasses, even family holidays with it all. But he'll say things like 'oh not this again' if I bring up the fact that we haven't done it in 10 days. He'll either get angry or say things like 'no way has it been that long', or 'we do it all the time', they're favourites. He has no idea of the pain and anguish he's caused.

    My theory is, as I say, that he's still doing it alone several times a week, but not using P so he thinks thats harmless. I dont know what his triggers will be but he still uses social media, so without knowing what exactly triggers people, I suspect that it could be fairly simple images.

    If you can offer me any advice, any insight at all, I'd be forever grateful because he's a closed book. He's never told me the full extent of what he did (which may have involved dating sites, but I don't know that for sure. His work phone (it was our own business that folded) has 3 email addresses for the Google Play store, all logged out but the Play store offers lots of dating sites as suggestions. Seeing as my phone only seems to offer me similar apps to the ones I use a lot, I can only think that he was either actively on those, or browsing them. So, I may never know what he did to me, and he refuses to talk about it, ever. He just says its was only j***ing off, indignantly, as if it was nothing much and I'm over upset. The thing is he doesnt realise that even if he said he'd done the worst things, I can get over it, I realise that he was taken over by something awful, I just wish I knew, the not knowing eats at my soul every single day.

    He has made progress because he is a nice person now, but the fact that I'm almost certain he's still Mo'ing at the very least quite a lot while we rarely have intimacy - and believing he's a good person who stopped, just destroys me further.

    So please, if you can, I'd love to hear your perspective. Thank you soooo much! :)
     
  11. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    @Tired Of Being Lied To, hello. I have to mention that I ended my 66-day non-MO streak yesterday and kept going on a MO spree afterwards. A lot of other significant events happened as well that have left me feeling confused and indecisive. I feel defeated, guilty and unconfident, and a part of me feels that I'm not good enough to give advice to someone or to help them. But I'll try my best to work through that.

    I wanna mention that I've only relapsed to MO in the past day, and not to P. I remembered your first reply to this thread when my will was breaking down yesterday, and that helped me avoid the temptation to P. I might've failed without your words. I do know that I still have to escape the addictive nature of MO to maintain true exclusivity.

    I might be wrong in what I say, and that I might not be able to help you. I'll say some things from the standpoint of my own life experience.

    Try acting truthfully. That started changing my life. Doing that involves not only avoiding telling lies, but also expressing yourself and making disclosure when necessary. It can also mean to act in a way that aligns with your conscience instead of with emotional convenience. (An example for the latter is to not say something that needs to be said in fear of backlash.) It can also mean to be honest with yourself and not letting your ego define your goals or desires.

    You might only think of him as the liar. But there are lies of sorts that I described above which can seem innocent and harmless, while not actually being as such. I'll go through particularities here. I wanna clarify that my intent isn't to guilt-trip, shame or despise you or your husband. That's not something that I personally align with. Morality to me is personal and voluntary, and not something that I'd push onto other people.

    1. He might not ever recover and be exclusive to you. That's a possibility that I'd feel would be necessary to confront. Your marriage might always stay like it is if you never take enough action. Or if you do take enough action, you might simply get him to a point where he wants to leave. There might not be a middle ground. The question is: what would you pick? Would you let him keep you silent and accept things the way they were, or would you rather confront him enough with how you felt that he eventually left?

      What if you two aren't meant for each other? What if common ground can't be found? And would you want a relationship where he only avoided trouble to keep you satisfied (and not necessarily himself)? All the problems that you mentioned could disappear and yet he'd only stay in line because of your pressure instead of voluntary decision. Would you want that kind of a relationship?
    2. Do you feel like pressuring him to make disclosure makes the situation better? If you were in his situation, would you rather be left alone until you voluntarily decided, by no one else's pressure, to disclose the truth? He doesn't wanna tell you some things currently; do you think that pressuring him about those things will make him more free to make disclosure? Or will that create further resistance against transparency?
    3. By saying the above I don't mean to deter you from expressing yourself and telling him how you feel, whenever you feel like telling. There's no limit to how far you can go with this. I know that it might be hard, but it's possible to not be persuasive and to express disappointment at the same time. You can keeps checks and balances like starting the conversation saying that you're not telling him what to do, but rather just saying what you think is necessary. Try telling him everything that you've been telling us here. Maybe he doesn't know the length to which your pain and obsession regarding the matter goes. You might decide to talk about it only once daily, or you might say it whenever it hits your mind. This is an endless road and you can know that it always exists.

      I know that this isn't easy. I'm struggling with my own confrontations. I know that there will be anger and threatening, but that's not anyone's truest self. You might have to dig deeper and tear a hole through the addict and the ego to talk to the real person. If he does decide to take a step like leaving, then would your consider it your fault or his? Would you be responsible for any harm if all you did were to tell the truth and cause the other person to take the harmful step because they couldn't handle the truth? He's guilt-tripping and intimidating you to keep you away from that conversation. That doesn't have to keep being the case.

      Confrontation doesn't have to be in-person. If it's easier/safer for you to do it over the phone/voicemail/text/video chat, then consider that option as well. It might be better than nothing. You can also record a video and send that to him so that he can't interrupt you while you talk.
    4. Consider not spying on him or keeping secrets of your own anymore, and telling him how you have been and are spying on him. It's true that doing this might mean that you'll be in the dark about whatever he does in the future. But I want you to consider the fact that keeping complete transparency might still be worth it. You might think that you're the only one justified in keeping secrets and spying because of the situation. But is that so? In my experience I can't feel free to be myself with another person until I tell them things that they'd wanna know. It feels right to do that. It might hurt the person but they definitely trust you more than they would if they found it by themselves.

      Consider telling him everything you know secretly, and if you find new evidence, tell him about it immediately instead of keeping it to yourself for investigation.
    5. You don't have to stay bottled up. The people who want you to do that aren't being kind to you. You don't have to be a puppet to anyone's emotional reactions. You'd want your child to tell you that he's bullied at school, right? Or at least you'd want him to express his inner state emotionally instead of bottling himself up. Why not do the same for yourself? You deserve the same love and compassion as your child does. Imagine telling your child to "stop being sad" because that makes you upset personally. I'm sure you'd feel like a terrible person saying that. If you don't agree with that behavior, why let others control you like that?

    P.S.: Consider making a thread in the Partneer Support section.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2021
  12. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

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    Oh my gosh, your post made me cry - I still am lol! I am SO HAPPY that you managed to resist the P!! Rather than thinking of yourself as crap because you Mo'ed, PLEASE think of yourself as amazing because you managed to resist the huge P pull!!!

    I think that you've misunderstood some (only some, you have much of it dead right) of what I was saying though, regarding my husband. Firstly this part, "What if you two aren't meant for each other?". This is the saddest thing about all of it. We agree on almost everything, we are politically exactly the same, we laugh at the same things, all the time, we laugh heartily and often (well, we do since he's been off P which I probably believe because he's just a changed person, he's back to the lovely kind person he used to be), we love the exact same music, we see the same things in every person we meet - we know when they're being insincere and when they're being genuine (or rather we agree on what we think, we may be wrong), we have the same interests exactly (computer games lol, its how we met), he's American - I'm English and we agree on everything that we love and hate about both countries - I can't really describe it. If it wasn't for the lies that P has created in out relationship it really would be perfect, but P has torn us apart.

    Secondly; "Or if you do take enough action, you might simply get him to a point where he wants to leave". He has threatened to leave before, but this was only because he was too scared to confront what he was doing and too scared to have it taken away from him, like a cocaine addict being told leave and have as much cocaine as you want or stay and recover. This is a common thing, some men would rather lose all they have rather than lose their addiction, because they're too tightly grasping it. However, this makes me come over as a real nagging woman. I'm really not, because I've been too scared of him leaving and the effect it would have on my son. He is a high earner and I am a stay at home mother, I had a high profile career in banking but gave it up. It would be impossible to have a job like that again without not being there for my child, which I wont compromise on.

    This is where we are; I've been thinking for years that he was honest, I only suspected P use, I found out for sure a couple of years ago and he's only briefly admitted to it. We haven't had any in depth discussions about it because he has consistently refused to. So, its certainly not a cycle of me nagging and him feeling restricted. Recent events in politics, the child trafficking thing etc has led him to believe that the globalists have created this problem on purpose to dumb us all down, deplete men of testosterone and their will to live, thus they gain control. It was THIS that made him realise he was being used by them and it was this that made him want to stop. Even then, the discussion has been brief about it. But since that discussion he's been SO MUCH nicer, so I think that it's possible that he's stopped using P, certainly as much as he did. He even used to argue heavily that the people in P were loving it (we used to watch together before I realised this was a serious problem - which is partly why I can't understand the need to look at it alone deceptively, I've never turned him down once and if he wanted to look at it next to me, I would have been happy for him to do that, If you can help me with understanding this I'd be grateful!) and I'd say no, you can see the female is absolutely gritting her teeth, he even shouted at me about this. But now he says its so obvious, he can't see how he didn't realise this fact. He agrees that many of them will have been forced or coerced and this horrifies him - that was a major step forwards I thought. I have only asked him about what he's done, the extent of it, maybe three times in years because of the way he reacts to the question.

    So we WOULD have been meant for each other, definitely, we wish we'd met in another time before all this crap was available. It is ONLY the lies that have been created by this addiction.

    We have argued about him ogling when we're out - he was doing things that he was entirely unaware he was doing, and he won't ever acknowledge this at all. He would even move me out of the way to look. I remember once we were in a grocery store and a young girl staff member walked past, she wasn't amazing but I KNEW he would be compelled to look at her. She went down another aisle and he suddenly said, I want a sandwich. He went to the sandwiches, which gave him the opportunity to look down that aisle at her, a 2 second glance, and then he said, actually I'm not hungry! On one of the occasions when we discussed it a bit, he just said I was crazy. I wasn't I knew it was going to happen. I wish I could understand why he did this, how is it so compelling for such a short glance?? I am not fat and ugly at all, in fact he often says the opposite to me. I only used to want him, I thought he was beautiful and amazing, but now, yes, I find myself looking at men (NOT like *that* at all, just for a lovely life aspect) particularly ones that are kind and gentle, I dont care about how they look at all and wishing I had married them instead. So, I suppose that would lead to lies on my part as in just something hidden from him.

    I do agree that in some aspects I'm a liar, yes. BUT (I say but to excuse it, yes although I have been put in this position by HIS lies in the first place. Before all this I never told him a single lie and I didn't think he never lied to me either. Every lie I have told has been related to this problem though.

    Thirdly: "Maybe he doesn't know the length to which your pain and obsession regarding the matter goes". You are right here, but the part you don't know is that I CAN'T tell him how he's devastated my soul. I trust nothing and no-one. I can't tell him, because all he cares about if the matter is brought up is how HE feels hurt that I don't trust him and how HE feels. He has never heard me talk about my pain and for the sake of the child I can't tell him, in case this flips him over the edge. He has no idea how this has affected me, even when we're laughing about things, talking about other things unrelated, playing games together, I'm thinking of the betrayal. If I told him, it would end it and if I won the lottery, I would end it myself as I'd be able to provide for my son and be with him at the same time. Even though I love the person to bits, the person he was before all the lies (and there have been SO MANY) I would go because I can't cope with the anguish. The worst part is that I would have let him do anything, I was quite open to anything on that subject and he had no need to hide a single thing from me. I think thats what hurt the most. Even if he had been honest when he wanted to stare at someone in public, saying 'shes nice' (or worse, I'm trying to avoid words that might be triggering for your sake) I wouldn't have minded. The horrific thing that P causes is the lies, the lies are the the absolute worst thing about this to me. I feel like all I knew about him is gone, he has a whole world in his head that I don't know about and therefore I don't know him at all.


    So, he may have stopped with P but our S life, I realise now has always been weird. I want you to know this so you don't go down the same route with anyone you meet. I was married before and I know from that what having S should be like. But with us, its weird. Its very robotic, its never been a thing that started from, say, cuddling up to go to sleep spontaneously, not ever. Its been a 'can we do it?' type of thing. And I realise now, thats how badly he's been affected by it. We'll have to just get straight into it with not much before.Tthis is so hard to explain without using triggering language. Then he'll say hurry up and C, I can't last much longer after a VERY short time. Its all about him, I can spend literally over an hour pleasing him, theres never anything for me but being told to hurry. When he was heavily into P, he had PIED and he was in his twenties then (hes 32 now). At the time, I didn't realise what was causing it and felt like the crappest, ugliest person out there (even though I know i'm not), I'd have to struggle with it for ages, trying to get it work and afterwards I'd cry myself to sleep because the experience was just so awful. He didn't seem to care and just went to sleep. It was like the ever ready images he'd seen had conditioned him into thinking this is what it should be.

    He has NO idea how to love properly and he's robbed himself of so much fulfillment.

    But the problem we have now, is that when he first realised the damage P had done I truly think he wasn't Mo'ing and it REALLY made a difference. He was beginning to learn to be spontaneous and passionate, and it was happening 3, 4, maybe 5 or more times a week, it was slowly happening. But now, about 6 months down the line we've slipped back into the every 10-14 days thing. I did ask (not accusingly or naggingly) why he wasn't that keen and he just says he's stressed. The PIED hasn't come back though which is part of the reason that I believe he's not looking at P, he is very keen and there isn't a problem (apart from what I said earlier that its never spontaneous, rather sort of 'arranged' and he's still very selfish, its all for him and I must hurry). But now, I think because of the huge gap (is that normal in a relationship where the man really does like his partner and loves having S?) that he's Mo'ing. Maybe he's getting rid of stress etc, but I'm certain whatever it is, he isn't enjoying it, he's described the horrible feeling he had immediately afterwards and said he has no idea why he did it. But if he is Mo'ing (and I have reason to think he is) its affecting our relationship. It's almost like being married to a friend. And of course with me Mo'ing, I'm worried it'll lead to more.

    And I can't understand it, why do that when he could do that with me, like I said, I've NEVER said no and I'll do what he wants and he really DOES love it, he always says 'we should do this more often, way more' but then he never does. Its like her forgets. Theres also the hurt for me that, he doesn't care that I'm being neglected at all.

    But as far as you go, please, please, please DON'T start down the P road again. What you did resisting it was incredibly amazing and in my mind heroic, very heroic indeed. If you do give in to that, you are ruining your life. Your profile says you're 22, is that really true? Because you're incredibly mature for that age. And also, you have so much time, so much life to not lose it to P. You will be able to give everything to the girl you find, you will be able to love her like she deserves and that means that YOU in turn will be happy. If you need to MO, sobeit, but please never go down the P road, it will only lead to your own destruction.

    Tell your partner how you feel, if she leaves she wasn't right and you will find someone else but if she stays she will know she was worth the truth. Tell her what your triggers are, be open, if shes around and you want to MO and not have her be part of it (hub has done this in secret MANY TIMES while I'm right there) TELL her. I can almost guarantee that its the secrecy that hurts sooooooooo much.

    When I can leave him, I will and I think it will devastate him more than me, far more, as I've been ready to do so for years, but I think he'll find himself very alone indeed, which breaks my heart as I do love the Pre-P person so deeply. But I can't deal with the side of him that he's hiding, and only because it's hidden. He could have told me anything, affairs, escorts anything and I'd have worked through it with him, but the lies .... ahhhhh ...

    Thank you sooo much for your reply, (I really will take the points you make onboard) and the honesty about the MO'ing, but I regard that lapse as heroic because you resisted the real hell of P, which is an incredibly strong urge to beat.
     
  13. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    @Tired Of Being Lied To,

    Thanks. I'm forgiving myself increasingly. To clarify - yes, I'm 22 and I've never actually been in a relationship or had sex. Those things have never been my top priorities since most of my life since hitting puberty has been an existential crisis. I definitely attract women but things have never worked out for various reasons. At this point I'm not even open to a relationship or to casual sex. Being someone who can't experience any meaningfulness or fulfilment in life without listening to the conscience, I'm finally surrendering to that voice inside me that aligns with love and kindness. And the only places I'm being taken to by that voice are of solitude, discomfort, confrontation, pain, etc. I don't know if my conscience will ever allow me to "have a life" and experience joys and pleasures like relationships. I might die as some messiah. I'm kinda the opposite of a sociopath - I can't tolerate falsehood or ignorance. trying to live a "normal" life feels full of the necessity to tolerate those on a lot of levels.

    Compatibility isn't just about the things that you mentioned. As you said yourself later in the post, you two might've had a much better time together in a P-free world. The individual circumstances of each of your lives might make things tough and unworkable.

    I understand now that the conflict is caused mostly by deception and not much at all by the activities that he hides. I've always imagined myself being able to tell a potential partner that I'm being infatuated by another woman (if that happens). It's good to hear from you that you'd appreciate such honesty from a partner.

    I'll change what I said before as I realize that I wasn't taking my approach of truth far enough. (This reminds me of how I always think that authoritarian legislation isn't necessary because the issue at hand is caused by a lack of libertarianism in the first place lol.)

    Don't confront him. Take his consent in discussion. Don't shove a complaint into his ears. Ask him whether or not you can discuss something with him. The moment he wants to stop a conversation, let him do that. Doing these won't get him to a point where he feels nagged or annoyed. I'm a big believer in consent at every level. You can't consider yourself justified to force a conversation onto him just because he's the liar. Let him have his space when he wants to.

    If he doesn't wanna listen to/talk about what he's been hiding, then consider telling him what you're up to. Tell him that you're drifting off to considering/thinking about other men, and that you're considering leaving when you can since your needs aren't met. I'm sure he'd wanna hear at least a bit of THAT. Offer him disclosures and discussions of truth, and tell him whatever he wants to listen to.

    I know the response to this would be that you wouldn't want the man to leave and have life made harder for your child. I understand that sentiment, but I don't think you're seeing the bigger picture. This is the very thing you advised me:
    You don't have to blame yourself if the separation happens. You'd only be telling the truth; your husband would be the one escaping responsibility.

    Also, I don't think you're taking into account what other people in the situation want.

    1. If your husband decides to leave hearing the truth from you (that which he has asked to hear, as I said before), then doesn't it mean that you're currently making him care for the child under a false assumption? If he doesn't wanna stay for the sake of the child after hearing the truth, then do you feel right about keeping him in the dark? And doesn't the child also need to know, as per how you feel about this, that his father wouldn't want the family intact if he knew a certain truth?
    2. If your child knew everything, and hypothetically had the maturity to understand the situation and the emotions on both sides accurately, would he want you to keep hiding things from the husband just so that he wouldn't have to see a divorce? what would you want your mother to do in a similar situation, being your past child self (if you could understand the situation, of course)?

    I haven't experienced a romantic relationship, but I can relate to the shame one would feel admitting to continue doing what they previously denounced.

    I know that he lied first and your own ones didn't start until his did, but I'm not trying to construct a who's-better-and-who's-worse narrative here. I'm not shaming or despising anyone. I don't want you to do things I'm suggesting just because they're considered right by society. You can do those by entirely selfish reasons. (I don't actually believe that selflessness is possible anyways, since in an act of any amount of kindness the final goal is for a person to make their own self feel better in some way even if the act seems sacrificial or painful.) Your future self will reward you for making the difficult decision. Try a freezing cold shower, letting the water run on its own first until it's fully cold, then jumping in and keeping it that cold for the rest of the shower. You'll feel grateful at the end for your past self that was hissing and panting for the first 30 seconds.

    I haven't been in a relationship, but I can definitely see how I can easily go down the road of PMO some time after starting a relationship, if I don't recover from PMO fully. Sexual activity is supposed to be repetitive and monogamous in nature, but the access to porn puts sexual stimulation into a dopaminergic cycle and ruins behavior. It's kinda the same with honey. It was available rarely and scarcely, so our body tells us to gulp all the sugar that we can find and eat, way more than we actually should. It can be hard to rewire from that. Even if I myself get off of P, my worry is that I might start MOing to other girls while in a relationship.

    I'm definitely willing to talk further if you want, but let's do it in this section. I don't wanna hijack the section we're in for a discussion that's more relevant elsewhere. And you'll definitely find a lot of lovely supporting people there who aren't 22-yo virgins lol.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2021

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