I might have gone too far and don't know what to think of myself.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by SensualLettuce, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. SensualLettuce

    SensualLettuce Fapstronaut

    This is an odd story, but man, I don't even know how to start off something like this. It's moments like these that make me realise just how unaware and poor of a person I've become because of porn. This is a very sensitive topic, that even within the realm of NoFap, is something I assume is extreme and understandably looked down upon. I suppose you can all suspect what It is, but I'm not opposed to people thinking ill of me because of It. I'm not trying to justify what I've possibly done, nor am I trying to blame anyone for my actions (I'm entirely responsible). If I get hate for this, so be it. Actions have consequences and I accept that.

    It's been over a month now of me having on and off relapses, and the main thing that triggered my urges has been a lifestyle led by killing time on the day to day opposed to finding meaningful tasks to do and sticking by them. Being in bed would then trigger the urges as my mind would ruminate on sexual fantasies. Before I knew It, I would reset the timer on my phone, go through the cycle of realisation, depression, acceptance and motivation then repeat it a few hours or days later.

    That same situation played out just almost an hour ago, and instead of going to any Porn site, I searched up the material I was fantasising over on reddit. It should have been obvious, but after relapsing, It slowly dawned on me that I might have visited a subreddit that was run without moderating and might have showcased illegal content.

    The thought of this is slowly overriding my mind and so I did something that is rather unconventional and went back to look at the user to confirm the persons age - they were over their 30's. But If you've likely used reddit, the content is arranged in a tabular format and so I wasn't only looking at a single picture, but over multiple. Trying to look at every image and confirm the user risks me coming across content that Is indeed illegal.

    Even without being certain, the uncertainty has me anxious and I really don't know what to think of myself. I've had relapses before, but I don't think I've ever felt this way about my progress and It's rather evident that I need more help now than ever before. Around January I had unwavering confidence in myself and held myself to such a standard until last month. Now, I really don't know what to think of my discipline or control. Sobriety doesn't seem impossible, but far greater than before, the fantasies and urges feel heightened, even though I know how depressing and underwhelming a relapse is. The fantasy always plays out In a far better way In my mind, but even that knowledge still has me ending up in a place like this.

    Admittedly, I've always thought that It would be remarkably difficult for me to click my way into something like this, but hopefully this can serve as a cautionary tale for some.
  2. Leonardo_001

    Leonardo_001 Fapstronaut

    I’ve had moments like that. Where it feels like you controlled by a totally different person in that moment and fap to something you would never picture yourself fapping to. It’s a humbling experience to say the least and it’s one of the dangers in P that’s not talked about enough. They try to make people look as young as possible and there’s never a great way to confirm somebody’s age. It makes you aware of the bad that you’re capable of and also the importance of nofap. But don’t let it make you feel like a terrible person. If you go down that road it’s hard to comeback. You have to feel like you can do some good in the world in order to complete nofap.

    You’ll get there man. You just got to keep pushing.
    slug175 likes this.
  3. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

    Can strongly relate. you need to find a different approach. you cannot keep repeating the same method and expecting it to work.

    People relapse to porn because there is nothing in their life that they would rather do. Men in particular need a purpose. That is why I believe that germans and Russians in Stalingrad, or the French at Verdun, or any man of any army, would be more fulfilled than a porn addict who lives a relatively easy lifestyle. That's right, men who, every second of their existence, are worried about dying and live in appalling conditions with no food or sanitation, probably have better mental health than porn addicts.

    For me specifically, I had a year out of university to work full time. coming back as a student was devastating for me. I had got through my previous 2 years by socialising and playing video games, but now, most of my mates had left uni and video games didn't hold the same appeal for some reason. the result was basically nihilism and stress which fuelled my PMO addiction.

    But in September I start a new chapter. I managed to do well in uni and get myself a great job, and I am sure starting that will really give me purpose, along with gym and whatever other hobby I will start. However, this past year has been hell. free time and lack of purpose breeds PMO addiction. it is a mental prison. change your life man.
    slug175 and Leonardo_001 like this.
  4. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

    Do a simple test, lets call it "willpower test", it consists of three 3 things you have to do for 10days straight - wake up at 6am in the morning, take short cold shower after you wake up and do 100 pushups throughout the day.
    If you can go for 10 days and actually do all those 3 things daily, you are likely to be successful at using your willpower to deal with porn addiction, if not you will discover how much willpower you actually have and how scarce it actually is.
    If one can not wake up early, take cold shower and push up 100 times for 10 days, there is no way you can drop an addiction on your own. But we all have an illusion that we can do anything if only we decided to.

    Willpower and self-controll is a skill and it has to be developed and constantly exercised. The younger you are less self control you will typically have, as we get older we have to exercise willpower and self control allot more often and that is why adults are allot less likely to become addicts, compared to teenagers. To clarify adults start at 30
  5. bikinhappy

    bikinhappy Fapstronaut

    Hey man, I know it's depressing. But take it easy. Dont let your defeat break you. It's ok. You just need to learn and continue. You will get better man, little by little. One day at a time. Keep us posted :)

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