I need advice on how to ward off strong temptations to see sex workers

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by New Account, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. New Account

    New Account Fapstronaut


    I am a Canadian male. I am 25 years old. About 3 weeks ago, I went to a massage parlour and lost my virginity to a masseuse. The following day, I went back again and had sex with another masseuse. I had been a virgin up until that point and had never ever been intimate or sexual with any other female in any way whatsoever. I never knew what sex was like and was struggling with very strong urges. I had been trying super hard to ward off the temptation to see a sex worker up until those visits but I did not succeed and gave in. I struggled with immense and deep feelings of guilt and shame after those encounters. In addition, my anxiety and OCD made everything worse and I kept obsessing about STDS (even though I was protected during both sex and blowjobs given) and obsessing and worrying about all sorts of risks. All logic flies out the window when you are obsessive-compulsive and, unfortunately, no amount of logic at the time could have quelled my irrational feelings. I had nightmares, cried, lost my appetite for food, and could not focus for most of my day. Reaching out online has helped me a lot and I now feel better and I am starting to move on with my life (I am very much thankful to online forums in this respect and the kind users who have helped me online because I could not have imagined myself talking to anyone about this; these random strangers were my heroes really and I thank them from the bottom of my heart). Up until now, I still obsess about certain things and the thoughts of what I did come back occasionally to haunt me but it is not as bad as where I was for I was in a very dark place. Even though I understand that what I did was normal and not to be ashamed of by many accounts, the feelings of guilt/shame and the worries just kept happening for some reason.

    I am glad that I am moving on. However, at this point, I still deeply worry about potentially doing this again. I have not up until now. For the most part, just the knowledge of the horrible feelings of guilt/shame, and obsessive worry that will accompany any possible decision on my part to do this again have been enough to prevent me. I definitely do not want to experience what I experienced again. And that has been a strong enough bulwark. However, I have a feeling I will be struggling with sexual urges again soon. And, I hope to God I will not resort to what I did again if that ever happens. I am glad what I did was just for a couple of times. Because another thing I was worried about was the possibility of being driven down a deep addictive cycle of paying for sex again and again and again. Besides the destruction such a possibility would cause to my fragile psyche, just think of all the money that will be lost (it is really expensive) that I could otherwise spend on more constructive things (causes benefitting the world for instance or even self-improvement). Of course like many guys, I wish I can get into a loving relationship where then sex would be much more meaningful. However, I cannot guarantee that this will ever happen. I do not know what I am doing wrong. But, (excuse any pretentiousness the following statements may carry; it is really unintended) I think I am quite good-looking, I am sociable enough, of good manners, and have good hygiene. I feel I just have not been lucky or maybe my anxiety gets the best of me and I never work up the courage of expressing my feelings for someone I love because I never want to be creepy or make anyone feel uncomfortable. Besides, I feel that almost every girl you meet is taken. I am not the type of person who would complain about being friendzoned or whatnot. To me, it is an absurd concept. Being friends with anyone (be it guy or girl) is such a wonderful thing and not something to bewail in any way. I appreciate all the friendships I have made. But, of course, this is not say I want to be single. Humans are social animals and have needs for companionship. And, living alone can be very depressing and people get on with their lives and their families and forget all about you (not blaming them of course nut just expressing the reality of life).

    In the case I am not ever able to get into a relationship, how do I prevent the temptation to see a sex worker? Or better yet, how do I even avert my sexual urges. At this point, I sometimes really wish I was asexual. Sex has been a huge distraction from so many constructive things I wanted to pursue (and unfortunately, sexual things are around us all the time; whenever I try to avert my thoughts about sex, it gets shoved into my face either online or offline, at which point my obsession about it just abruptly returns) . Before those encounters when I was a virgin who had never experienced any form of sexual or romantic contact whatsoever in his life, at least every day would involve some time where I would obsess about sex or feel so broken because I never experienced what it was like (it almost seemed like when God (if he exists at all) created the world, he decreed that I specifically never receive any form of love from a female who is not a relative). I would avert the sexual urges by focusing on other goals that make me happy and trying to improve myself in other respects (like read things and learn things and engage in hobbies etc) but they have been a short term distraction). They never work to block my urges completely. I sometimes hate God/nature for putting these urges in us. Life is starting to feel so hard. Many times, I wish I was never born.

    If you have any advice on how to fight the temptation of seeing sex workers (I have nothing against sex workers, I respect them deeply and wish them the best; I love all humans and hate no-one) but I know my life would be ruined if I ever keep paying for something as addictive sex and spending so much money on it. Many people who hire escorts keep doing it for the rest of their lives. I hope I will never be one of these people for all my other goals would fly out the window and such a habit may then reinforce a self-fulfilling prophecy which would entrench in my mind the idea that I can only pay to get sex and that loving relationships do not exist at this point. If there is even something you have that could make me hate sex, I would appreciate it.

    I sincerely apologize for such a long post and for writing too much. But, if you have anything that could help me in my difficult situation, I will love you forever (be deeply grateful).

    Thank you :)
  2. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

    if you feel regret after the act then you should stop doing it. will power wont take you far. visit a therapist. 15 months of therapy helped me deal with my stuff.

    u can also buy self help books on addiction.
  3. I will try to answer, but keep in mind that no one can look into your head and what works for someone else might not work for you.

    First of all, and i realize this is easier said than done, i need to say that worrying about what might happen and what you might feel and what the consequences might not be helpful.

    For years, i always played the „what if“-game, which resulted in not doing anything, because it might lead to bad consequences. Today, i still sometimes play this game (we are still human, after all), but i intend to not overthink everything and just act like my gut is telling me. There is no way to tell now if you are going to be a sex addict, even if you go to a masseusse again. I realize that changing this way of thinking takes years (it took me this time, for sure), but it is important to not overthink everything.

    That being said, it is great that you want to work on yourself and control your urges! First, let me tell you, that it is no bad thing to be horny sometimes, and you do not have to be ashamed about that. I sometimes even enjoy the feeling, i like to frame it as „energy i have“ and i use it wo work out harder on those days. There is no way to avert sexual urges completely (at least that i know of, maybe medition? But i do think that you shouldn‘t even try to supress it or get rid of it at all times)

    Being nervous when you want to talk to someone you really like is totally normal. You sometimes have to go for it and to risk to make someone uncomfortable. This is out of your control. The alternative would be to never say anything, because you are worried that you could offend someone. It would mean that you have to hide your real self, which could make you miserable. And there is even a very good chance that people in general like you more if you say what you really think and if you do not always stay on the safe route. There is a risk that if you talk to a girl you like, that said girl becomes uncomfortable. However, there is also a very good chance that if you talk to her, you will make her day better. From what you have written, this chance is higher than making her uncomfortable. You sound like a nice guy.

    I think you will find i girl. I thought for a long time that i will be single forever. Than i met someone. 25 is not that old. Try to work on your self-confidence. Do something you want to do and try to get good at it.
    New Account likes this.
  4. Jakes

    Jakes Fapstronaut

    Firstly, try to understand that you really arent all that bad. I dont mean to put your situation down, but Ive been addicted to PMO since 2010 and have been frequently visiting escorts on a weekly basis and sometimes multiple times a week and blowing crazy money away since 2015. Ive also done some risky things and have even received blowjobs from road side prostitutes on a few occasions without any protection. I last visited an escort last week and remember feeling so degraded afterwards as i always do after visiting escorts. I also stressed like crazy as usual afterwards over the fact that maybe i caught something. I havent PMO'd since then and I havent visited any escorts since then. The mindset I have right now, is whenever i crave to PMO or visit an escort I think back to how this addiction has ruined me and brought about so much pain and misery in my life as well as humiliation. I think about how i am literally ruining myself by giving in to these vices and how I will never get a real life hot beautiful women if i keep being a loser like this and throwing away my potential and my life. Its kind of hard for me to tell you the entire philosophy of my mindset as this might end up being super long but i hope that helps.
    Nitram6 and WilBil99 like this.
  5. New Account

    New Account Fapstronaut

    Thank you @AxelF. I really like your answer. I appreciate it very much.
  6. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Read “no more mr nice guy” by robert glover.
    It will blow your mind how well this guy understands sex addiction.
    When i was reading it, i felt like it was written specifically about me.
    It also has great advice on how to start recovering from this addiction.
    vxlccm and New Account like this.

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