I need an accountability partner. I’m failing at self-abstaining

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by rockslide, Jun 8, 2020.

  1. rockslide

    rockslide Fapstronaut

    I can’t do this on my own. It’s been about 18 months since my nofap “awakening”.

    im married to a woman I love, and we have two kids together both toddlers now. My sexual addiction was a beast with many heads. I was a 2 time per day user, and worse than that I would habitually chat, exchange photos, and occasionally meet with other men.

    after my most recent encounter (18 months ago) that was the second time I’d ever cheated on my wife with a man (first was years before that when we were still dating). I was overwhelmed with guilt and I turned myself in. I did everything right, I started to explain the nature of my secret life to her, and together we saw a sexual therapist where I willingly disclosed every detail of my behaviour. Frequency of acts that I did, details of the two encounters I followed through with over my years of browsing sites like Craigslist and Grindr as part of my sexual routine. And when the dust settled, she still loved me, we were more in love even. Entering a new era of honesty and trust, and I saw many of the longest periods of sobriety in my life over the last year and a half (greater than 3 months of no PMO twice), but every time I start to hit my stride, it pulls me back in.

    I’ve done an okay job of catching myself, coming clean to her shortly after any relapses, but I started slipping back into my old dishonesty. Downplaying the frequency at times, and I haven’t even once told her that the chat rooms have played a role since D-day, but there have been several times that I’ve gone onto the app, exchanged explicit pictures, and even come dangerously close to another in person encounter.

    I need to be put in check. I need someone who I can talk to right away when I slip that isn’t her, even though she’s shown me nothing but support and love throughout this whole ordeal, I still get scared of standing in the light for her to see. She’s so much more than I deserve, and I don’t mean that in some self-hating way, she’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me, she never once judged, got mad, or reacted negatively in any way through our whole experience. I’ve asked her to renew our wedding vows for our next anniversary and she has of course said yes.

    My proposal came after a three month period of sobriety and I made it clear that my goals were to maintain honesty and stay off the PMO. I have failed many times since then, and told her about some, but never everything, never all the details, and never soon enough.

    I’m looking for at least one, maybe more people who can relate to my experience, people who also need someone who isn’t their spouse to talk to, people who maybe still feel trapped and ashamed, people who are in a relationship and still trying to come to terms with their addictions. I want to be better and help other people in similar situations to be better. I’ve seen the benefits of life without this demon and it’s such an incredible feeling. I want to get back to that place and stop myself from ever throwing that feeling away again.

    thank you for taking the time to read, and yes, I do plan on once again coming clean about everything and reopening that path of honesty and trust in my marriage.
    GrindrAbstinence89 likes this.

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