I need help! My girlfriend feels abandoned and alone

I’m 37. Should I tell my parents?

  • Yes, of course

    Votes: 3 23.1%

  • No, but seek help elsewhere

    Votes: 6 46.2%

  • If it will help your girlfriend not feel alone, yes

    Votes: 4 30.8%
  • Total voters
    13
Journey2therealme

Journey2therealme

Fapstronaut
I am new to admitting I have a problem with PM to my girlfriend. It has caused PIED for me since college days. I’m now 37, and the build up of shame about my porn habit has eaten me up inside.
My girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me because she finds porn to be “disgusting...degrading to women”. She lives a few states away, currently, and so we are dealing with this in a long distance relationship. She feels alone and left out about my recovery and she really really wants me to tell my parents so that she has someone (my mom) to talk to and to find out the truth from, since she doesn’t really trust me anymore.
I really don’t want to tell my mom or my dad.
I am living with them right now and I can’t take how I might feel if their relationship to me changes even slightly for the worse. I have never given them cause for concern before. We have a great relationship but we never talk about nor have talked about sex. Maybe if we did I would feel better about including them. I just don’t want them to look at me differently and I don’t want to make up stories in my head that they are thinking about me doing disgusting porn masturbation or any masturbation at all.
But I know that my girlfriend will feel much better knowing she isn’t alone.
I have begun going to SA group meetings and I plan on getting a therapist soon (another strong request/demand) from my girlfriend.
I feel a bit stuck. I need advice.
Please. Someone share their thoughts.
 
You have taken great steps toward recovery. Sounds like your wife needs some recovery as well. I thinks it's unfair to make you tell your parents. She could try a therapist of her own or look up an s-anon group.
 
It is your decision to tell your parents or not. If you think it will help, if they will be helpful and supportive then go for it. Otherwise I can't see how it would help. I know a few people here have told their parents and some regret it but it worked out for others. IMO I don't think most parents would know how to handle it, but you know yours best. I do understand your girlfriends feelings, being the SO of a PA can be very isolating, it makes you feel all alone and question everything. These forums are my outlet mostly. Talk with her, open up to her. Maybe point her here, there is a lot of support here for her. I don't think she will find what she is looking for in your parents. I'd suggest for her to give it a bit of time and see how she feels. Join a support group/forum, do some reading, get a therapist.
 
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Just do it man. Tell your parents. I know it’s scary but I was on a similar boat as yours once, I decided to tell them and 1) they already knew since I was like a teen and 2) they (especially my dad) became part of my support system for recovery. In fact it was my dad who first helped me realize lots of people deal with PMO problems - including him self :). So he had some tips and tricks up his sleeve. He’s a Fapnosaur lol.
Anyways - do it for your own sake! Not just your gf (ps if she does love you she’ll help you through this and viceversa... you’ll grow closer to one another despite the distance).
 
My husband came out about his addiction on FB so everyone in our lives know. For one, the we figured out real friends from fake friends. It was hectic for a bit. But your family loves you. If you want to tell them tell them, cautiously. With information on the addiction, etc. in case they have questions. If you don't want to tell your family then maybe dont, but make sure your girlfriend has support.

Downlowd Everaccountbale onto all devices and have your gf be your accountability partner on the everaccountable account so she can see that you're not using is another suggestion to ease her mind.

What are your recovery plans aside from what you mentioned?

How long is this long-distance? I assume there is a plan for the long-distance to end?

How will you be rebuilding trust?

There are many things to learn through this journey. You can check out my resources list in my signature to help you.
 
No one in either of our families know except my mom. She adores him and fully supports his recovery. It would be incredibly detrimental if anyone in his family knew. We will never tell them.

If you dont want to tell your parents, don't. You know what your relationship is like and you have the right to share with those you feel will help you and the right to not share with those that may hinder your progress.

Have her come here. There are so many of us going through the same thing and can help support her. If she doesn't feel comfortable on the public forums, there is also a private group for the significant others of addicts where she may feel safer and can post more freely.
 
I don’t think telling your parents is reasonable. It seems like a way to punish you or make you feel humiliated. It’s like scolding a child and making him tell his parents what he did wrong. Don’t take my words to heart because I don’t know your situation fully. I just don’t see why your parents need to know unless you’re stealing time and/or money from them to fulfill your PMO.

You mentioned you were 37 and you live with them... what’s the living arrangement? I’m not judging you but why are you still living with your parents? Are they dependant seniors? Or are they helping you become independant? Depending on that alone, I could understand the bitterness from a long distance girlfriend who thinks her adult boyfriend is idling his time by PMOing when he should be doing something more productive with his life. Like I said, I’m not judging you but I’m just laying out some perspectives.

Just know that your girlfriend is going through grief stages and it’ll take a while. But if you have a deep relationship, it should transcend most non-deal breaking problems. If the relationship is valuable enough to her, her anger will subside as long as time goes by without you slipping up. Good luck to you.
 
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Thank you for your response. I definitely don’t want to out myself on FB but I get why someone might. I feel like the only reason I would tell my parents is to make my girlfriend feel better about being away from me and having someone she trusts to connect with. Otherwise I just want to use SA meetings and mental health professionals and talking with my girlfriend as healing tools. Problem is that she needs tools as well. She needs to not feel alone. I will point her to this site. If she wants to she will explore it. I also think she will talk to her mom about my PM. I am just not sold on how my parents knowing will make it better for me. They don’t know how to help in these situations. I told them about my compulsive eating disorder years ago and they weren’t helpful with that. This is an even bigger issue because in my family I never talk about sexual things with my parents.
As for the long distance, we are trying to end it by the end of this year with a brief stint of living together in the summer. But at this point I have broken her trust so much and brought so much pain to her that I don’t know that will happen for sure.
I want to regain her trust by being more open with her about my recovery. Letting her know how my days went. How my meetings went. Telling her if I had urges to watch porn and how I chose to avert them. Basically being an active partner rather than the partner that doesn’t want to include her in my recovery due to shame. I have to push through the shame to gain her trust.
AnonymousAnnaXOXO said:
My husband came out about his addiction on FB so everyone in our lives know. For one, the we figured out real friends from fake friends. It was hectic for a bit. But your family loves you. If you want to tell them tell them, cautiously. With information on the addiction, etc. in case they have questions. If you don't want to tell your family then maybe dont, but make sure your girlfriend has support.

Downlowd Everaccountbale onto all devices and have your gf be your accountability partner on the everaccountable account so she can see that you're not using is another suggestion to ease her mind.

What are your recovery plans aside from what you mentioned?

How long is this long-distance? I assume there is a plan for the long-distance to end?

How will you be rebuilding trust?

There are many things to learn through this journey. You can check out my resources list in my signature to help you.
Click to expand...
 
Journey2therealme said:
Thank you for your response. I definitely don’t want to out myself on FB but I get why someone might. I feel like the only reason I would tell my parents is to make my girlfriend feel better about being away from me and having someone she trusts to connect with. Otherwise I just want to use SA meetings and mental health professionals and talking with my girlfriend as healing tools. Problem is that she needs tools as well. She needs to not feel alone. I will point her to this site. If she wants to she will explore it. I also think she will talk to her mom about my PM. I am just not sold on how my parents knowing will make it better for me. They don’t know how to help in these situations. I told them about my compulsive eating disorder years ago and they weren’t helpful with that. This is an even bigger issue because in my family I never talk about sexual things with my parents.
As for the long distance, we are trying to end it by the end of this year with a brief stint of living together in the summer. But at this point I have broken her trust so much and brought so much pain to her that I don’t know that will happen for sure.
I want to regain her trust by being more open with her about my recovery. Letting her know how my days went. How my meetings went. Telling her if I had urges to watch porn and how I chose to avert them. Basically being an active partner rather than the partner that doesn’t want to include her in my recovery due to shame. I have to push through the shame to gain her trust.
Click to expand...
Use the links in my signature to find resources for her if she doesnt want to come here (turn your mobile device sideways to landscape if you can'tsee them). @AnonymousAnnaXOXO also has a great Resources thread that contains a lot of information for both SOs and PAs.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/resources-that-are-helpful-to-both-pa-and-so.108414/
 
Journey2therealme said:
I am new to admitting I have a problem with PM to my girlfriend. It has caused PIED for me since college days. I’m now 37, and the build up of shame about my porn habit has eaten me up inside.
My girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me because she finds porn to be “disgusting...degrading to women”. She lives a few states away, currently, and so we are dealing with this in a long distance relationship. She feels alone and left out about my recovery and she really really wants me to tell my parents so that she has someone (my mom) to talk to and to find out the truth from, since she doesn’t really trust me anymore.
I really don’t want to tell my mom or my dad.
I am living with them right now and I can’t take how I might feel if their relationship to me changes even slightly for the worse. I have never given them cause for concern before. We have a great relationship but we never talk about nor have talked about sex. Maybe if we did I would feel better about including them. I just don’t want them to look at me differently and I don’t want to make up stories in my head that they are thinking about me doing disgusting porn masturbation or any masturbation at all.
But I know that my girlfriend will feel much better knowing she isn’t alone.
I have begun going to SA group meetings and I plan on getting a therapist soon (another strong request/demand) from my girlfriend.
I feel a bit stuck. I need advice.
Please. Someone share their thoughts.
Click to expand...
What does she make of your reasons for not telling your parents?
Is there an acceptable third party other than your parents you could talk to?
What does she think of the Significant Others section of the forum here? Inviting her to follow you in your discussions here may be an idea worth considering.
 
I can totally relate to your SOs need to have someone else she can confide in and talk to. While NoFap is a great tool for recovery of PAs and even some SOs, the Internet is cold dark place in general, and pixels on a screen can’t provide the same level of comfort a good cry or a nice hug with a real warm body can bring.

My SO needed someone that we trusted to talk to. This disease of disconnection, and my past behaviors, left her unable to fully trust and seek comfort from me. We opted to tell some close friends to close that gap, and fulfill her needs as she worked through the betrayal trauma. Perhaps @Jennica can share what she was feeling, and help you understand the importance of having someone else she knew to also talk with. Perhaps she suggested your parents, because they are safe and she is comfortable with them. Perhaps there are others folks you can feel comfortable with that you can tell that can provide the emotional support she needs in this difficult time.
 
The Wrestler said:
What does she make of your reasons for not telling your parents?
Is there an acceptable third party other than your parents you could talk to?
What does she think of the Significant Others section of the forum here? Inviting her to follow you in your discussions here may be an idea worth considering.
Click to expand...
Thank you for the reply. She got pretty overwhelmed by the SO section on here because there are so many horror stories that seem to flood the page.
 
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