I need help to stop the spiral into porn/sex addiction

[journeyman415]

I'm in my early 30s living alone in the US. I've never had an organic sexual relationship in my life. My loneliness drives me to porn and inappropriate sexual behavior like searching for escorts, texting them and sometimes visiting them as well.

I've tried making positive changes in my life. I've reduced my porn consumption significantly in the past 18 months from once daily to once every 3-4 days. I no longer watch videos and rely on still images. However in that time I've started browsing escort sites heavily and started chatting up escorts on an almost daily basis. I've used their pictures to masturbate to and often do so while posing as an interested customer hashing out the logistics and details of the "date". I can lose up to 2 hours of my time doing this. Usually I have no intention of seeing them but I've jumped the gun a few times (eight times to be exact) and visited them. None of these interactions have been meaningful sexually or emotionally. I was unable to stay aroused and perform according to my fantasies (obviously). Thankfully I practiced safe sex when with them and haven't contracted anything.

After a good start to May (11 days without masturbating), I relapsed and visited an escort, the shame from that encounter got me through the rest of the month without relapsing, I did however masturbate sporadically to still images every now and then. June has been a bit rougher. I've been texting escorts everyday and almost visited one today. I've been masturbating more than usual, sometimes twice a day. I feel like I am losing myself down this dark path and I don't want this for myself. I'm young, fit, healthy and hope to have a family some day with a wonderful woman. I want to get rid of this baggage before entering a relationship so that I bring my best self to the table. I'm asking for the community's help so I can fight my darkness and become a better person. Thank you

 

[Peacelooker]

Welcome and good wishes. The way it sounds escorts and porn are not compatible to you , perhaps a normal dating site where woman want something or longterm, you can do this!right now I would focus on quiting porn and escorts than masturbation. Got a choice freedom from porn and the browser or feeling yucky , you can do this

 

[journeyman415]

Welcome and good wishes. The way it sounds escorts and porn are not compatible to you , perhaps a normal dating site where woman want something or longterm, you can do this!right now I would focus on quiting porn and escorts than masturbation. Got a choice freedom from porn and the browser or feeling yucky , you can do this

Thank you for your advice. I'm currently on dating sites and they're an unbearable catalog of unattainable women, I find it to be a chore honestly and am glad when I run out of likes. I have been on a date 3 times in the past 3 years from dating apps. I'm clearly doing something wrong. I struggle to approach women in person because of my introversion and shyness. This has probably been asked a gazillion times but, how do I overcome my fear of romantic rejection?

I am trying my best to quit porn, I would say that porn's hold over me has weakened significantly over the past 2 years. I've stopped watching videos completely but still seek out still images to masturbate to. Do you have any advice on how to condition the mind to think of something else when I start wanting to go online and watch porn or chase escorts? Thank you once again.

 

[Paulie G.]

Hey journeyman,

We really do have a lot in common it seems. When did you start doing nofap and what was your best streak so far? I have a two tips for you (which should be taken with a grain of salt, since i am fundamentally in the same situation as you):

• I think it's good to install adult website blockers on all your devices. Some people say this is useless, because you will find ways around it if you really want. You do find ways around it, but that's not the point of these blockers. The point is to stop you from going on the site in the moment where you are acting out of impulsiveness. For example, i could go on the sites, but i would have to go to a place where i hid a password, then i have to google search the path in which the "hosts" file is at, then i have to type in a password like "asd802n-91$a6hjkd21t*02xver" to log in to the admin and edit it. The 3-5 minutes it takes to go around the blocker is enough of a wall to stop me from going on the site in most cases. If i could just pull out my phone open the browser and go on the site, it would be much harder to resist the temptation.
  
  
• Get busy. Do you have a job? What do you spend your free time with? Are you bored a lot? I know i am. I think becoming more busy is the only reason that i finally reach the 30 days, which seemed impossible before, now it's effortless. If you sit at home all day for weeks and have nothing to do, you will relapse. There is no man in this world that could quit this bad habit in that way. You have to spend as little time as you possibly can in your house/apartment. It's the only way.

I know how hard it is to socialize when you (subconsciously) avoided it for all your life, but we just have to do it. I am far from where i want to be, but i have improved so much in the last month alone. We have to make baby steps, no matter how small. It's not about where you are right now, it's about the direction in which you are going.

 

[Deleted Account]

Simply being here means you’re on the right track. Everyone is at different stages in this fight so don’t be disappointed or discouraged when you read the accounts of long streaks and wild success stories. You’ll be experiencing your own success and writing your own story too. We’re all in this fight together. You’ll enjoy the benefits too with time and persistence.

 

[journeyman415]

Hey journeyman,

We really do have a lot in common it seems. When did you start doing nofap and what was your best streak so far? I have a two tips for you (which should be taken with a grain of salt, since i am fundamentally in the same situation as you):

• I think it's good to install adult website blockers on all your devices. Some people say this is useless, because you will find ways around it if you really want. You do find ways around it, but that's not the point of these blockers. The point is to stop you from going on the site in the moment where you are acting out of impulsiveness. For example, i could go on the sites, but i would have to go to a place where i hid a password, then i have to google search the path in which the "hosts" file is at, then i have to type in a password like "asd802n-91$a6hjkd21t*02xver" to log in to the admin and edit it. The 3-5 minutes it takes to go around the blocker is enough of a wall to stop me from going on the site in most cases. If i could just pull out my phone open the browser and go on the site, it would be much harder to resist the temptation.
  
  
• Get busy. Do you have a job? What do you spend your free time with? Are you bored a lot? I know i am. I think becoming more busy is the only reason that i finally reach the 30 days, which seemed impossible before, now it's effortless. If you sit at home all day for weeks and have nothing to do, you will relapse. There is no man in this world that could quit this bad habit in that way. You have to spend as little time as you possibly can in your house/apartment. It's the only way.

I know how hard it is to socialize when you (subconsciously) avoided it for all your life, but we just have to do it. I am far from where i want to be, but i have improved so much in the last month alone. We have to make baby steps, no matter how small. It's not about where you are right now, it's about the direction in which you are going.

Thank you for your support. I've never done nofap before. I did abstain from PMO for 14 or 15 days in early 2022 and again in May earlier this year. I spent a long chunk of last year not watching any porn, but I did masturbate and search/chat/chase escorts (didn't see them irl until the Christmas period) I'm hoping to do much better than that now that I have more knowledge. I started seriously yesterday and haven't relapsed yet. I've installed adult website blockers on my phone, that's the only device I use. Thanks for the more complicated work around, I'll try it out.

I work in middle management in tech. It's a remote only job, prior to the pandemic I went into the office everyday, that routine kept me sane so I didn't chase escorts. But I watched a fair amount porn back then, often first thing in the morning to whack off to before showering and leaving for work. Nowadays, after work I go to the gym or for walking in the evening and I cook most evenings. But, being an introvert, the evenings are hard. Especially on the weekends. I also spend a lot of time playing video games. I'm trying to play less video games as well because they mess with my sleep. I've reduced my gaming by a huge amount. I still play single-player story games. I don't watch a lot of TV either. I like to read but struggle to finish reading books. I've been getting distracted from my reading. I do want to be more active outside of my house. Any tips on how to do that? Especially approaching strangers and chatting them up either for friendship or dating?

 

[journeyman415]

Simply being here means you’re on the right track. Everyone is at different stages in this fight so don’t be disappointed or discouraged when you read the accounts of long streaks and wild success stories. You’ll be experiencing your own success and writing your own story too. We’re all in this fight together. You’ll enjoy the benefits too with time and persistence.

Thank you for your kind words. I am really fighting to make my story one of success and of overcoming this challenge.

 

[Peacelooker]

Thank you for your advice. I'm currently on dating sites and they're an unbearable catalog of unattainable women, I find it to be a chore honestly and am glad when I run out of likes. I have been on a date 3 times in the past 3 years from dating apps. I'm clearly doing something wrong. I struggle to approach women in person because of my introversion and shyness. This has probably been asked a gazillion times but, how do I overcome my fear of romantic rejection?

I am trying my best to quit porn, I would say that porn's hold over me has weakened significantly over the past 2 years. I've stopped watching videos completely but still seek out still images to masturbate to. Do you have any advice on how to condition the mind to think of something else when I start wanting to go online and watch porn or chase escorts? Thank you once again.

 

[Peacelooker]

For me it was I'm addicted to this crap, and I don't need it . One peek is one too many. Little monster has a few tricks to get you to use . Porn is poison, not food or water don't need it , ! Been off close to 6 months ! You can do this.

 

[pete379]

Ive recently come to the conclusion alcohol is poison, (it literally is) why would I drink it?
I hope i can do the same with Porn

 

[Paulie G.]

Thank you for your support. I've never done nofap before. I did abstain from PMO for 14 or 15 days in early 2022 and again in May earlier this year. I spent a long chunk of last year not watching any porn, but I did masturbate and search/chat/chase escorts (didn't see them irl until the Christmas period) I'm hoping to do much better than that now that I have more knowledge. I started seriously yesterday and haven't relapsed yet. I've installed adult website blockers on my phone, that's the only device I use. Thanks for the more complicated work around, I'll try it out.

I work in middle management in tech. It's a remote only job, prior to the pandemic I went into the office everyday, that routine kept me sane so I didn't chase escorts. But I watched a fair amount porn back then, often first thing in the morning to whack off to before showering and leaving for work. Nowadays, after work I go to the gym or for walking in the evening and I cook most evenings. But, being an introvert, the evenings are hard. Especially on the weekends. I also spend a lot of time playing video games. I'm trying to play less video games as well because they mess with my sleep. I've reduced my gaming by a huge amount. I still play single-player story games. I don't watch a lot of TV either. I like to read but struggle to finish reading books. I've been getting distracted from my reading. I do want to be more active outside of my house. Any tips on how to do that? Especially approaching strangers and chatting them up either for friendship or dating?

Nice. I would advise you to completely stop watching porn, and just work with your imagination if you really can't help yourself and need to fap. But your circumstances are very individual to you, and there is no one-size-fits-all-approach to this and the advice you get from others is often a lot easier said than done. You really need to work out why you relapse and how to prevent it and it might take many tries.

As far as going outside more and approaching women, i really can't help you there. I need to help myself first. I mean the advice is obvious: we just have to do it. But the "How?" is the really hard part. I think you just have to jump into the deep end of the pool, it's scary but you have to do it. And i think nofap can help with that, it makes you bolder and lowers your inhibition. I "jumped in the pool" a couple of times in the past months and one time last year, and yes some cringy stuff happened, but nobody remembers it anyway, and also very positive things happend. In my mind, people are always judging me, because growing up, my father used to literally insult anyone that stood out in any way. He'd say things like "look at this idiot on the bike", "what are you looking at dumbass" when driving around in the car (obviously not in a way the ones he insulted would hear). I guess my subconscious mind now thinks that everybody judges others like that? but the reality ist most people don't think about me AT ALL. Maybe you have a similar problem.

 

[journeyman415]

Nice. I would advise you to completely stop watching porn, and just work with your imagination if you really can't help yourself and need to fap. But your circumstances are very individual to you, and there is no one-size-fits-all-approach to this and the advice you get from others is often a lot easier said than done. You really need to work out why you relapse and how to prevent it and it might take many tries.

As far as going outside more and approaching women, i really can't help you there. I need to help myself first. I mean the advice is obvious: we just have to do it. But the "How?" is the really hard part. I think you just have to jump into the deep end of the pool, it's scary but you have to do it. And i think nofap can help with that, it makes you bolder and lowers your inhibition. I "jumped in the pool" a couple of times in the past months and one time last year, and yes some cringy stuff happened, but nobody remembers it anyway, and also very positive things happend. In my mind, people are always judging me, because growing up, my father used to literally insult anyone that stood out in any way. He'd say things like "look at this idiot on the bike", "what are you looking at dumbass" when driving around in the car (obviously not in a way the ones he insulted would hear). I guess my subconscious mind now thinks that everybody judges others like that? but the reality ist most people don't think about me AT ALL. Maybe you have a similar problem.

Hi Paulie, Kudos on reaching 30 days. Thanks for this advice. I have been more active on dating apps recently and have been making a conscious effort to compliment and reach out to the likes. Hasn't really helped but I'm approaching it in a methodical manner which takes time and is keeping me busy. Today was the hardest day but I got through it, and haven't masturbated so far since my first post. I am afraid of approaching women in public settings because I'm afraid of getting labeled a creep, I live in California which is extremely intolerant of masculine behavior of that sort. I signed up for meetup and might try that avenue. Have you considered working with a career coach or public speaking coach to become more confident or project more confidence? I am considering this and thought it might be useful to put out there.

 

[Paulie G.]

Today was the hardest day but I got through it, and haven't masturbated so far since my first post.

You just have to sit through these urges in the beginning with pure willpower. At least that has been my experience. It gets a lot easier after 2-3 weeks. If you SHOULD relapse (which i don't hope for), make sure to not go on a fapping/porn binge and do it multiple times because "well... the counter goes back to day 0 anyways". That was always my way of thinking. Your next streak will be harder, if you watch porn for 3 hours and fap 5 times, than if you have a small slip up and just fap for 2min, orgasm and then stop. It's a very different kind of relapse. But, as i said, i hope you and i will never relapse again.

 

[journeyman415]

You just have to sit through these urges in the beginning with pure willpower. At least that has been my experience. It gets a lot easier after 2-3 weeks. If you SHOULD relapse (which i don't hope for), make sure to not go on a fapping/porn binge and do it multiple times because "well... the counter goes back to day 0 anyways". That was always my way of thinking. Your next streak will be harder, if you watch porn for 3 hours and fap 5 times, than if you have a small slip up and just fap for 2min, orgasm and then stop. It's a very different kind of relapse. But, as i said, i hope you and i will never relapse again.

yeah I'll keep an eye on this, still going strong. I don't have any desire to watch porn or chase escorts but I've been getting hard during the mornings. I just let the storm pass on its own haven't been looking at anything that gets me excited.

 

[Paulie G.]

yeah I'll keep an eye on this, still going strong. I don't have any desire to watch porn or chase escorts but I've been getting hard during the mornings. I just let the storm pass on its own haven't been looking at anything that gets me excited.

That's great to hear. Once you get through the first couple of weeks it becomes very easy. I had urges this morning after waking up, but i went nowhere near relapsing. It's been only 15 days of not looking at the escort site (and 33 days of not fapping or looking at porn), and yet escorts are so far in the past it seems. I don't think about it at all anymore, without any effort of shutting down thoughts. So just keep that in mind. It's not going to stay that difficult for ever, just a couple of weeks.

Hi Paulie, Kudos on reaching 30 days. Thanks for this advice. I have been more active on dating apps recently and have been making a conscious effort to compliment and reach out to the likes. Hasn't really helped but I'm approaching it in a methodical manner which takes time and is keeping me busy. Today was the hardest day but I got through it, and haven't masturbated so far since my first post. I am afraid of approaching women in public settings because I'm afraid of getting labeled a creep, I live in California which is extremely intolerant of masculine behavior of that sort. I signed up for meetup and might try that avenue. Have you considered working with a career coach or public speaking coach to become more confident or project more confidence? I am considering this and thought it might be useful to put out there.

Sorry, i didn't even respond to any of this (i had to go when i was writing my response, so i couldn't finish). My opinion on dating apps is two-fold. I hate them. I find them disgusting. They try to press as many dollars out of men as possible. However, from the 4 girls i went on dates with, 3 have been from dating apps, so... To me it's kind of a last resort. I really really don't want to use them again, but i can't rule out that i will crawl back to them, if everything else fails. I don't know what experiences you made with dating apps, but just keep your expectations low and don't let them destroy your confidence. 95% of men do extremely poorly on these Apps. The only men that get consistent dates with all the hot girls you see on there, are guys that have great instagram profiles linked with 30k+ followers and really exciting livestyles. Just keep that in mind. But if you're aware of that, you can use them to get a date and learn how to do all that. It's actually great for that now that i think about it. I was so nervous when i went on a date (it was from tinder) for the first time. I didn't eat anything and i told her "um i already ate" when she asked because i thought i will throw up if we go eat something. But it turned out great and it gave me so much confidence. The second time i went on a date i wasn't afraid at all anymore.

About the approaching women stuff and being afraid of getting labeled a creep, i can't help you, because i am dealing with the exact same thing since many years. I tried for years to approach women in the city, and i never did it (except for asking for directions), except ONE time, where it was the perfect situation, she was literally all alone, nobody was anywhere in site. And it worked out great, she was very into me and i had my only sexual intercourse (that was not with a prostitute) ever, 3 days after approaching her. But i didn't want a relationship with her, so i ended it immediately (i think i even posted about it on this forum). So yeah... you'd think my brain would realize that approaching women is not certain death after that, but it's pretty much the same. Still working on it.

Meetup sounds great from what i heard about it. That's exactly what you should.

No, i never thought about going to a career coach or public speaking coach. I think there is A LOT of advice on youtube for free. The hard part is just to apply it. But maybe they have more individually tailored advice? Idk...

 

[journeyman415]

That's great to hear. Once you get through the first couple of weeks it becomes very easy. I had urges this morning after waking up, but i went nowhere near relapsing. It's been only 15 days of not looking at the escort site (and 33 days of not fapping or looking at porn), and yet escorts are so far in the past it seems. I don't think about it at all anymore, without any effort of shutting down thoughts. So just keep that in mind. It's not going to stay that difficult for ever, just a couple of weeks.

The longer I do nofap the weaker my masturbation urges have been so I'm glad that this is something that I can overcome with time.

 

[journeyman415]

Sorry, i didn't even respond to any of this (i had to go when i was writing my response, so i couldn't finish). My opinion on dating apps is two-fold. I hate them. I find them disgusting. They try to press as many dollars out of men as possible. However, from the 4 girls i went on dates with, 3 have been from dating apps, so... To me it's kind of a last resort. I really really don't want to use them again, but i can't rule out that i will crawl back to them, if everything else fails. I don't know what experiences you made with dating apps, but just keep your expectations low and don't let them destroy your confidence. 95% of men do extremely poorly on these Apps. The only men that get consistent dates with all the hot girls you see on there, are guys that have great instagram profiles linked with 30k+ followers and really exciting livestyles. Just keep that in mind. But if you're aware of that, you can use them to get a date and learn how to do all that. It's actually great for that now that i think about it. I was so nervous when i went on a date (it was from tinder) for the first time. I didn't eat anything and i told her "um i already ate" when she asked because i thought i will throw up if we go eat something. But it turned out great and it gave me so much confidence. The second time i went on a date i wasn't afraid at all anymore.

About the approaching women stuff and being afraid of getting labeled a creep, i can't help you, because i am dealing with the exact same thing since many years. I tried for years to approach women in the city, and i never did it (except for asking for directions), except ONE time, where it was the perfect situation, she was literally all alone, nobody was anywhere in site. And it worked out great, she was very into me and i had my only sexual intercourse (that was not with a prostitute) ever, 3 days after approaching her. But i didn't want a relationship with her, so i ended it immediately (i think i even posted about it on this forum). So yeah... you'd think my brain would realize that approaching women is not certain death after that, but it's pretty much the same. Still working on it.

Meetup sounds great from what i heard about it. That's exactly what you should.

No, i never thought about going to a career coach or public speaking coach. I think there is A LOT of advice on youtube for free. The hard part is just to apply it. But maybe they have more individually tailored advice? Idk...

To be completely honest I don't know what I'm looking for. A cynical part of me just wants to hookup endlessly to "make up for lost opportunities". But I don't have a personality where I can treat people like objects. I think this is a side effect of the sexual revolution and easy availability of sex online, porn escorts whatever. Whenever I fantasize being with a woman I matched with online, it turns pornographic to the tune of the porn I used to watch and I know no woman wants to be treated in that way. Not to mention that if I could make that fantasy come true, I would feel immense guilt and shame afterwards.

Sometimes I'll have a cutesy interaction with a waitress or a cashier and when I'm back home I'll fantasize about a real, clean romantic journey with that person. Wooing them, getting to know them, going on holidays, listening to their hopes and dreams. This vast contrast in how I feel about "digital" women as opposed to "in the flesh" women makes me think that the right way to date is to ask real women out IRL. I don't know if this makes sense, but my hypothesis is that porn has tricked our brains to treat women on screen as objects whereas our basic evolutionary instinct takes over when we're dealing with women right in front of us.

If you have any youtube tutorials you can share with me i'd be very grateful. I want to see if I can approach women IRL without having to use pickup artist tricks.

 

[Paulie G.]

To be completely honest I don't know what I'm looking for. A cynical part of me just wants to hookup endlessly to "make up for lost opportunities". But I don't have a personality where I can treat people like objects. I think this is a side effect of the sexual revolution and easy availability of sex online, porn escorts whatever. Whenever I fantasize being with a woman I matched with online, it turns pornographic to the tune of the porn I used to watch and I know no woman wants to be treated in that way. Not to mention that if I could make that fantasy come true, I would feel immense guilt and shame afterwards.

The pornographic fantasies of women you meet in real life will go away once you get enough temporal distance between yourself and porn. I'm not sure whether the drive for hookups will go away, maybe you have to do it yourself, to see how it makes you feel. Personally, I've only slept with one girl and i 100% knew beforehand that i don't want to spend my life with her. I just did it out of horniness and i didn't feel good afterwards. Looking back, i'm glad i did it, because it means to me that i actually can do it and that it is not impossible, but actually very very easy, if i just get over myself for like 1 minute and reach out to a girl i find attractive.

Sometimes I'll have a cutesy interaction with a waitress or a cashier and when I'm back home I'll fantasize about a real, clean romantic journey with that person. Wooing them, getting to know them, going on holidays, listening to their hopes and dreams. This vast contrast in how I feel about "digital" women as opposed to "in the flesh" women makes me think that the right way to date is to ask real women out IRL. I don't know if this makes sense, but my hypothesis is that porn has tricked our brains to treat women on screen as objects whereas our basic evolutionary instinct takes over when we're dealing with women right in front of us.

I 100% agree that approaching women in real life is the best, but it's also the hardest, hence no one does it. But i think it can be done, it's just about attitude and not thinking too much. It's not easy for me to turn off my brain, so i wasn't able to do it yet (apart from one time). But I don't give up yet, just different strategies. Adapt and overcome.

If you have any youtube tutorials you can share with me i'd be very grateful. I want to see if I can approach women IRL without having to use pickup artist tricks.

I don't watch any english "pickup artists"/"dating coaches". The "pickup artist"-thing (picking up women for sport) is dumb and a waste of time in my opinion. But there are men that give good advice about this stuff on youtube, i watch a german one sometimes. But in the end you can't watch 100's of hours of these videos and never do anything. That's what i did and it leads nowhere. There are really no tricks, when it comes to approaching women, you just have to realize that she probably already likes or rejects you before you even open your mouth. A woman either finds you attractive, is single and in a good mood, so she wants to talk to you, or any of the conditions are not met and she doesn't want to talk to you. I don't believe in this "salesman" approach of trying to convince a woman, at least it's not what i want to do.

Also, a lot of women are super nice. I noticed this when i practiced approaching women and asked them for directions. I asked some beautiful women who looked very serious and you'd think they scream at you if you try to talk to them, and they turned out to be super nice, they talk to you, show you where it is, or take their phone and show you on the map. You have to keep this in mind and be willing to risk that awkward moment, if she is not friendly... For me this is really hard.