I need help with loving who I am.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Solomon435, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. Hey all.

    In my journal I've been talking about how I can fix my self esteem issues, but never actually doing anything to help. I'm making this thread to see what people would suggest to help me with my problem. I need to explain just what my problem is.

    Okay, here goes...

    My biggest problem is loving myself for being a guy. I'm not trans, nor do I think about transitioning, it's just that I feel guilty or like I'm a bad person because of it.

    I've been raised hearing about so many bad things about men and it's caused me to grow up really hating myself for it. That's one of the reasons for my PMO usage and my pregnancy fetish.

    I just feel like I have to live with the consequences of our male ancestors. I agree, they were stupid and made bad choices that led to issues today, but now I feel like all I am to everyone is just a potential rapist or nothing but a sex machine.

    These feelings also come from how my family dynamic was. It seemed that my Mom was the bad guy and my Dad the victim because culture states that women are the only smart ones and men were too dumb to operate a blanket. It makes me feel like being a male means nothing more than being a sperm bank that can be thrown out at the earliest opportunity. Of course, I found out that all my life my Dad was twisting the stories to make it seem like he was the victim, but that didn't help.

    I've often hated myself so much for being male and what it meant to me that if I could I would've put my entire reproductive system in a box and sent it back for an exchange. Not because I felt like I was female but because I wanted to get rid of this feeling of grief and torment associated with it.

    I want to love myself but it's hard since I don't know what to do. I am making a recovery, but I need some help from everyone. I'll accept answers from anyone who is willing to contribute.

    Thanks. :)
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  2. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    You're feeling guilty about being a Male? Quit hanging around SJW's.
  3. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Sounds like male guilt induced from toxic third-wave feminism. Don't internalize the misandry. Realize what it is, and reject it. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for our male ancestors. Their strength, both physical and sexual, kept the species alive. Sure, masculinity is dangerous. The greater the power for good, the greater the power for bad. That doesn't mean masculinity is inherently evil. Men built and preserved civilizations by channeling their primal urges into constructive uses.

    Hard times create strong men. Strong men create easy times. Easy times create weak men. Weak men create hard times. From a "Western civilization" perspective, it's only the relative peace and prosperity after the world wars that even allows the feminist SJW experiment in the first place. Identity politics is fracturing the West, and it's beginning to crumble. The West isn't failing due to masculinity, but arguably the lack of it. We're at the point in the cycle of weak men creating hard times. Historically speaking, we're due for an outside influence with more strength and vitality to take over.
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    If you feel so bad about how male ancestors and your dad was, why don't you work towards being a better person than them?

    It's very irrational that you feel bad about yourself because of what other people of the same gender have done. That would kind of like be me feeling awesome because Kobe Bryant is such a great basketball player and I'm the same gender as him.
    Bman101 and Solomon435 like this.
  5. kayesem

    kayesem Fapstronaut

    I can relate, but not to the same extent.

    I guessed that you were young. You guys have copped it pretty hard.

    Chin up soldier.

    You get to become your own definition of a man. Sadly, it is basically up to each of us to figure out on our own. Role models take all shapes and sizes, and as kids to learn to incorporate the positive, and leave out the negative. For many, we only learn to become good human beings by being subject to so much negativity, and steering in the opposite direction, and pretty much making it up as we go along.

    Being a man is a great thing. A gentleman, even greater. You have at least another 10 years to let it all unfold, so don't worry about not having it all figured out right away.

    There are bad people in the world. Some are men. Some are women.

    Just strive to be the best version of yourself you can be, and ignore all the doubt, the hate, the fear, the anger, and all the other shit that tries to drag you down. It is not easy. We tend to be our own worst enemies.

    If you are going to judge yourself, why not use a half decent measuring stick, like the quality of your character, your word, you integrity and ethics in how you treat yourself and others. What your gender is really has nothing to with most things.

    Try not to be an arsehole, and reclaim your innocence. It is truly yours, forever.
    Solomon435 and RobbyGo36 like this.
  6. A couple good quotes:

    "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance",


    "You must love yourself before you love another.
    By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy."

    I think the former means, loving and accepting ourselves is never done and takes the length of a lifetime, but its worth it. Its a journey. With the latter, its just good advice; once we're relatively comfortable in our own skin we can provide stable love for someone else.

    I'll also say you are far from alone in asking for help in loving yourself. I'd wager there is no human on earth who hasn't had trouble with this at one point or another. The people who haven't are either narcissitic or lying.
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2018
    kayesem and Solomon435 like this.
  7. First of all there is nothing wrong with being a male don’t focus on what sex you are it’s not important self hate is dangerous also is the victim mentality that will bring you down and keep you down you need to imbrace your real self if other people are going to hate you for it remove yourself from the situation you need to love yourself but it seems you have trouble with your sex being a man does not mean your a monster there are plenty of men through out history who did good same with women both sexes can do horrific things but it’s not the sex that is responsible it’s the person, the act of the individual, you need to learn to love yourself and don’t compare yourself to others you must be you!
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
    Jason_Tesla_19 and Solomon435 like this.
  8. I'm going to add an addendum to what I posted yesterday, based on something I read today. This article argues its not necessary to love yourself first before loving another person, but rather that being loved by another person can help a person love themselves:

    'There is a psychological myth going around that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. The real truth is that many people learn to love themselves by first being loved by another.

    If you never had a loving family, it's more difficult to build healthy self-esteem. Appropriate affection from another person may be the magic touch you need to actually believe that you are loveable. When someone you admire gives his or her heart to you; it makes you feel cherished and in turn you learn to love yourself.

    I know a number of people who were only able to develop self-love after someone who made them feel worthwhile came into their lives. For many, this love blossomed into a healthy and life long relationship. For others, it was an experience that put them on a path to finding their true purpose in life.

    In many support groups one of the things that helps a person to recover is that the group loves the individual until he or she can love themselves. This is also one of the ways in which therapy helps individuals to heal from depression, loss and addiction.'

    Goldsmith, Barton Phd, Psychology Today, 'You Don't Need to Love Yourself First'. Web. Posted 8 Jan 2010.​
  9. I think the best thing is to never be judgemental of yourself. Don't judge yourself, just be yourself. Good luck and be good friend.
    Solomon435 likes this.
  10. Checkout Infinite Waters on the topic of self love. Helpef me so much. All the best
    Solomon435 likes this.
  11. kaow84141718

    kaow84141718 Fapstronaut

    In my opinion, I think every guy (at some point in their life) feels insecure about some aspect about themselves. For longest time, I didn't feel like I could lead my family well and just kind of gave up. My wife stepped into that leader role and it was very, very stressful for her because she's not wired that way. We would have our talks and I would step up a little bit and still feel inadequate. Our house was in chaos because there was no leader (me). Mind you, during this leader battle, there were a lot of changes and different dynamics taking place that was stressing me out royally. I don't remember exactly what happened or when it happened, but something shifted in my brain that let me know that being a man is FREAKING AWESOME!!! There are too many men not stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility. I was one of them. I can't say that now because I stepped up and I am leading my family. I assumed my leadership role and it feels amazing! I absolutely love being a man! There's a lot of crap out there that will definitely try and pull you down to make you feel inferior and less of a man, but that's when the fighter comes out to show it's OK to be a man. Be proud that you are a man! Unfortunately, there are men out there that will play the victim. What they should do instead is take responsibility and get to work instead of saying "Woe is me!" Also, love is not just a feeling...it's an action. You want to love yourself? Then show yourself love. Go to a mirror and just smile at yourself and say "I love you". Tell yourself what you love about yourself. I know we like to hear it from other people, but how often to we tell ourselves? Seriously, go to that mirror, smile and tell yourself "I love YOU!!!" YOU GOT THIS!!! :)
  12. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

    This is some SJW nonsense. Our ancestors were far greater than we were. Male and female.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. Your male ancestors?? What in God’s name are you talking about? The men who hunted and gathered and died working for their families? Show some respect and stop listening to whatever your teachers or whoever is saying.
  14. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

    Well, I am not so sure if I believe in our common ancestor. Although it stresses me out whenever I hear people talking about that. I am no science geek, I am a history buff and I can go back all the way to middle ages. Like right now I am learning about the firearms that started all the way back to the middle ages. So, in other words, I am trying hard to beat my goal of PMO. I have developed this habit when I was in my early 20s and now I am 29.
  15. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

    And I rather not argue about science much anyway, it is all political science. All those fancy words that people use to make something of themselves. But people do not need to complicate things IMO. oh well, not too worried about that though. lol
  16. I think biggest key to attaining self respect is by accomplishing things... This can be building new friendships, getting a promotion with hard work, studying and good grades etc. When you attain something which demanded hard work and dedication, your brain automatically increases your level... Just like on a video game.

    That's my take on it.
    Solomon435 likes this.
  17. I'm a father of four boys, and have almost completed my 90 day reboot, and in so doing, feel like I'm only now finally becoming a man myself. You cut me to the heart. I feel for you, Solomon. It makes me angry to see the suicidal message of the worst sort of feminism do such harm to you. I don't know exactly what you need, but I'll throw a ton at you and see if anything sticks.

    You need some good influences to counter the bad ones you've had. You need to fall in love with the ideal of manhood - of the hero, the soldier, the father, the king, the hunter, etc. - those who build and protect and fight and make space for life. You don't just need information, you need your heart stirred. You need to be overcome by the sheer harsh beauty of manhood. And know that the potential to realize that ideal lies in you, and that the world is crying out for it.

    How to get there? So many good influences. I'm just going to rattle things off as they come to me:

    Jordan Peterson. A fantastic and inspiring voice for the good aspects of traditional culture. Here's a video of him describing your very plight. Watch his videos, and listen to his lectures. Get his audiobook (or the paper version) "Twelve Rules for Life" - it will do you a ton of good.

    The Art of Manliness. Brett McKay does a fantastic job compiling both practical stuff that men have known how to do and we today need to be reminded of, plus the more inner stuff that we need to be inspired by.

    The Bible. You don't need to be religious at all to benefit from the stories. Read about the lives of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, David, Elijah, and Daniel, and then later Peter, Paul, and Jesus himself. These men are giants - flawed (well, maybe all but the last), but giants of faith, determination, passion, grit, daring, and tenacity.

    Great Movies with Role Models. Here's a list off the top of my head. Watch them!
    • Braveheart - William Wallace is every man & boy's hero
    • How Green Was My Valley - The hard grit of life in the mines and quarries, and the men who carved out a life for their families in the midst of them
    • To Kill a Mockingbird - Atticus Finch is the absolute manly ideal
    • The Big Country - Gregory Peck plays another deeply good and inspiring man
    • Chariots of Fire - Full of deeply good and strong men
    • Others could list tons more
    Great Books. Here are some fantastic ones:
    • Men of Iron - Howard Pyle's wonderful story of a boy who becomes a knight and restores his family name
    • Hatchet - A tale of a boy surviving in the wild - a great read!
    • A Tale of Two Cities - If you can manage it, an amazing work about good people in the midst of evil
    • The Lord of the Rings - If you've never read the book, you've missed out. Aragorn is the culmination of so many male archetypes, and you just love him.
    • Tons more - find some lists
    I'll leave you with this, from Rudyard Kipling:

    If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

    If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;
    If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
    If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!​
    kaow84141718 and Solomon435 like this.
  18. davem7

    davem7 Fapstronaut

    be yourself, it does not matter if you love guys or girls
  19. Dorobo

    Dorobo Fapstronaut

    Hello, I have a similar problem. i don't hate myself for being a man. i just hate myself for being alive. The result of this is that I don't take care of myself. i would commit suicide if I wasn't such a coward.

    I started going to therapy recently and one of the main focii has been to learn to love myself again.

    Excercise #1

    Make a list of the things that you like about yourself and make a point of paying attention to their manifestation in your life. Pay attention to the enjoyment of being you.

    Excercise #2

    Find some pictures of yourself as a child, stare at them for hours and try to remember how you felt back then. All children love themselves, try to remeber how this felt.

    Excercise #3

    Transport this image of the "child you" into yourself. Imagine that this child that lives inside you is your son. Act as a responsible parent towards him. Take time to understand him, to be patient with him, to forgive his mistakes, to procure what he needs to have a good life.

    I hope this helps, it has helped me a lot. Best of luck.
  20. swipka777

    swipka777 Fapstronaut


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