I need help...

Hi, I am 21 year old college student who desperately needs some help.....

Since the age of 13 I have watched Gay Porn regularly, it intrigued me then and it intrigues me now, I also use Snap Chat as a way of looking at explicit pictures and videos. But the problem I face is I literally think about sex with men constantly, like it never switches off. Besides the problem I came to the conclusion in my mind that I was bi sexual with more of a preference for guys. So I began experimenting at the age of 14/15 with guys (I had already had exposure to other boys nude at an extremely young age). So I started experimenting with a guy of the same age (innocent stuff) and after it happened I felt disgusting and horrible. I felt like I never wanted that to happen again and I even stopped watching porn for a short while. But time passed and I began watching porn again and then the urge to get with some one came again too, but I waited till I was 16, as I thought my age caused my previous reaction, so again with the same guy I tried it, but it happened again that feeling of disgust with myself for days I couldn't stop it, it was a complete repeat of the previous time. So I came to the conclusion it was the guys so I searched for someone else and I tried it with someone else and bang the exact same thing, I felt like shit!

Because of this I Stuck to porn for quite some time and then I joined the Snap Chat game in my first year of college and got in touch with a very handsome guy, very down to earth, both of us shared loads in common and so we began seeing each other, but after we got with each other it all came crashing down and I ran because again I hated it. We both still talk from time to time but nothing sexual, surprisingly, the thought of sex with him makes me feel like getting sick. So after this, I began to think maybe I am bi sexual?, I have always "fancied" girls but never had the intense sexual feeling towards them as I have with men. So I decided to experiment with girls, after all that's what you do in college, experiment, right? So I started seeing a girl and I began to really like her, I loved her personality, and we both just clicked, on top of this, I wanted to have sex with her, so I did. I lost my virginity with a girl and the guilt,and depression which had accompanied every previous sexual experience I ever had never came, not a hint of it.

I continued to have sex regularly with this girl and I began watching less porn to the point where I never watched it, I still had thoughts of guys, but no major desire to act on it. This situation led me to believing that I was bi sexual. But my time with this girl came to an end as she moved away to study abroad for a year. I was heartbroken I cried for days, but weeks passed and the heart began to heal, but then it began again, the porn, the constant craving for men, it began to again take over my life to the point there wasn't a man I didn't imagine naked, literally every time I see a guy. I began snap chatting more send nudes of myself in return for nudes of them. I didn't care who they were or what their story was I just wanted to see them naked, it didn't even matter what they looked like. This led to me inviting a guy over to mine where we proceeded to have sex, after the sex he left and I sat in my shower for hours, I felt disgusting, guilty, violated and depressed at a whole new level. But time past and back to the same story, porn, thoughts, and urges. I resisted the urges to meet guys because I never want to feel like that again, but everything else remained the same, the thoughts about every guy I met, the porn, the lot.

After the year the girl returned and we began to meet up again and everything began between us again, and she is now my girlfriend. The reason I have began an official relationship is because I enjoy spending my time with just her and I really do enjoy sex with her.

But I have hit a wall/block/bypass/ I don't know, where these thoughts, porn watching and snap chatting are returning once again, it has got to a point where I feel nothing but sick and depressed as I cannot stop thinking about it and acting on it by watching porn or using Snap chat. It is all I think about, this unsurprisingly has began to effect my relationship with my girlfriend as I am beginning to feel guilty all the time about the situation and my actions.

The major problem is I am having is now is how can I be so in love with her and in fact get turned on by sex with her but have such intense obsessions about men? This has in the past few weeks began to effect the sex with my girlfriend too which has never been a massive issue in the past.

However, I stumbled across an article the other night on HOCD and I completely froze while reading it. It seemed to explain exactly what was happening to me, now I do not want to jump at the term saying that it is what I have, but is there anyone that could help me in saying it is a possibility? I will admit, I am a person with a highly addictive personality, I have mild social anxiety and I over think everything to a crazy amount. So I just want some help in seeing, is HOCD a possible condition I am sufferering from? and if so what should I do? I want to know my sexuality, I feel like if I wasn't obsessing about guys constantly and I could think about it clearly and figure it out, I feel like am bi-sexual, because I am satisfied with sex with my girlfeined and I have a deep emotional connection with her but on the other hand I have an extremeattraction to men with very little emotional deisre to be with a man.

But for now I am just so lost in my own mind with what this is and I am pleading for help. I welcome all opinions. Ryan

 

Thank you for your reply and taking the time to read my post it was a small bit all over the place! I want to 100% give this a real try and see!! I am very new to this! So what is NOPMO? Can you Masturbate at all?

 

Hi thank you for taking the time to reply, to be honest I think I am suffering with HOCD with the added factor that I am at of my life where I want to become comfortable with my sexuality if that makes sense?, basically I want to see if I am I Bi, Gay or the more unlikely Straight.

But "constantly testing and questioning their sexuality." that you mentioned is something I do constantly when speaking to people, I am always wondering if I come across gay, if people think I am gay, or else I just come to the conclusion that people must think I am gay. this leads me to changing the way I sit, the way I hold myself, the way I walk, use my hand etc.. it just never ends in that respect and I always on edge in all social situations.

I have decided that today is Day 1 and I am stopping, I need to make a few conscious decisions to delete accounts etc.

I was exposed to nude boys because of one of my older friends (who is now in fact gay and still one of my best friends) use to make us strip off when we were younger and labeled it as a game.. very inappropriate.This is something I have always wondered if it is a part of it? it has always been so clear in my mind and it happened at the age of 4, I don't think of it as a traumatic experience just a very weird stand out memory, I suppose it was the first time I was exposed to a naked person!

 

Can I ask is sex with my girlfriend a no no too? Yeah it's something I have always wondered about maybe someday I will find the answer! Thank you for the replies, but I am so thankful that I found this website, I finally feel like there is light and I feel so full inside knowing there are plenty of people to talk to about the situation so thank you!!

 

Thank you for your advice, I feel like this is day one of getting fit, I am completely motivated to try my best and manage what is happening to me once and for all. I will definitely be using this site for help!!

 

Thank you for taking the time to write back to me! I am in shock that I have found the answer to what is happening to me! I have began looking into, I had sex with my girlfriend this morning for the last time in awhile because we arent going to see each other for awhile!! Ive decided to take up running and exercise to channel the thoughts and urges into something positive! I will take you up on that as I progress as I know this is going to get difficult eventually!!

 

Guys I have started reading a lot into HOCD and this shit is blowing my mind. I am even crying. It is explaining everything I have ever felt, it is actually changing my entire outlook on life, I am so sorry I know ye don't really care, but I just had to say again thank ye for the advice in starting me on a battle with something that is going to change my life.

 

Can I ask you what you mean by this?