I need insight

I had NO idea what I married. I have been in a 20 year marriage that has had no intamcy in, for over 10 years.I found out last summer he was a porn addict. Like always, looking back there were signs. BIG red flags waving, yet I had NO idea this was an actual addiction. It was known last summer. I stayed because we have a child. I am almost 50 and angry that I gave him the best years of my life. He is non empathetic, blames me, and deflects all of his issues on to me. What makes this harder for me personally, is I am a certiied peer support specialist, and KNOW what addiction does. I feel ugly, worthless, used and yes abused. I know the success rate of recovery. I have also been reading a lot on this. I put him out in Jan.he is staying in a detached garage behind our home. I am afraid of having him here, yet afraid to let go. Change scares me. He all not leave willingly. I feel alone. I want to be held. I have been deprived of ANY physical contact for so long. Not even a hug. I am drained. Empty. Hollow. Angry, sad and numb. I have dealt with substance use and this is by far the most horrible thing emotionaly and mentally I have been through. Is it normal for an porn addict to not be intimate? Is it normal to feel so worthless? I have NO self esteem. NO self confidence. I feel so broken. My 11 year old child is angry and so hurt. She found it all and brought it to my attention. We are both so hurt and afraid for the same reasons. I am being flooded with memories of things that made no sense at the time but is all colliding in my brain and now I am seeing a clearer picture of his issue. It is scaring me.any insight would be appreciated!

 

Yes but he does not seem to want it. He is still in the blaming me and not accepting accountability.I asked him yesterday if he wanted our marraige to work and He told me yesterday I needed to change and never will. I have had some one reach out to him but I have NO idea if my husband is working any type of program at all. It is "confedential" so I am pretty much in the dark if he is actually doing anything. I am honestly not sure if I want to TRY and make our relationship work. I am all too familiar with the rolllercoaster of addiction, sadly. And even though I can detach and set boundaries I am not sure if I am willing to go through this. And right now, I can at least recognize I am not emotionally or mentally ready to make that decision. I need to work on my hurt and get to thinking clearly first. I would like to see him inpatient, but he is not at all , willing to do that. I connected him to a man in recovery that does an out patient program here that I know through our church. But like I said, I have no idea if my husband is actually working the program. IF he is, it has only been 3 weeks or so. Which I know no huge changes will occur. So I am in limbo. What I am sensing from my husband, is a lack of acceptance of his issue, a denial, and lack of willingness. I feel, not that this makes things factual, is he does not love me. He has NO friends and a strong inability to be able to connect with others on a meaningful level. The one good thing that I do know, I have not been crazy all these years. Now.... May be a different story . I am glad I know, but coping and processing all of this has been difficult to wrap my brain around. I have NO idea who I am. I have lost me and do not know where to begin to heal ME.

 

I am sorry, please forgive my ignorance. What is a CSAT? Unfortunately I know addiction, substance use disorder all too well. I have seen the EXACT same behavior in my husband as those with S.U.D and have read that porn addiction effects the same exact receptors and the dopamine in the brain the same as heroin and a few other drugs. I could not tell you any physical side effects that he may have since there has been no intimacy in our marraige for 11 years. I am at the point I want to have peace and I am not very sure I can obtain that with an addict. I have been praying. I sure hope God can understand my muddled cries. I am scared as I know the progression and do not know what else he has done or capable of. He has been on dating sites and has contact with other women. I am in a sense grateful for his not being with me physically, as I can rest in knowing I do not have any STDs.We have an 11 year old daughter and I will not allow him to be alone with her. I do not ever think I will trust him with her. I would much rather err on the side of caution.