I need serious help here because I am lost with this fetish I've had since childhood

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Rootfury, Mar 5, 2020.

  1. Rootfury

    Rootfury Fapstronaut

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    I am 26 years old and getting crazily mad with this issue, wtf am I supposed to do if my Bondage fetish developed when I was around 6 or 7? If I quit watching porn and fapping I'm gonna have no choice to kill this fetish or else it will be impossible to do Nofap and get my life back in control and pursuing my goals and dreams, but then that other side of me doesn't want to kill it because it is part of me, and people keep saying to not suppress your sexual desires if it comes from your personality, it is something I truly enjoy.

    I tried to find another alternative, but nothing is close to it, I like being restricted and being totally helpless in front of women, there's no other activity that can fill that.

    I just don't see a life without it, it's like as if I loved playing video games since I was a kid (which is true) but I have to give it all up forever or else I will keep being a damn mess. It makes it incredibly difficult, near impossible to do.

    I practiced Bondage years all alone in my room, then later on went to actual parties and Munches meeting awesome people who practiced this, a man who was a friend of mine even did Shibari on me "Japanese rope ties" I also did suspensions, he took pics of me while I was in the air tied up and I was smiling with joy and I laughed a few times in the process, I also went fully naked in public and enjoyed getting beaten, which is something I never expected to enjoy but I actually did.

    BDSM IS a problem if I keep thinking about it almost 24/7 yes, but should I really get it rid of my life? A month ago I threw away a total of at least 300$ worth of sex toys and restraints, I was tired of fapping, procrastinating, always been buzzed and numb, depressed from the fact that I have no partners to fill that need... I also left all my friends I used to see, I literally just deleted my account without saying good bye and lost all my contacts now.

    I did it because I had no car and people had to always come and get me for events if I wanted to participate, I was tired of that and preferred to wait until I was fully ready having a driver license, having my life in control, making money through my work as an artist at home and be more focus and thinking less about sex, so that's why I've left to give myself a break.

    I am still a virgin and now I can't figured out if I want a normal partner who is totally vanilla or kinky... Everything is all over the fucking place... I'm so lost guys. :( And I've tried to do Nofap since five years and never went higher than 13 days.
     
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  2. Listen to me.
    I had the same.
    I also developed this fetish, but even younger than you.
    By the time I got PIED and realised that I had a serious problem, I was already using chastity devices, etc.

    I'm in my 60's. More than double your age. So I've been at it for longer than much longer than you.

    Since starting the NoFap route, I am very close to being 100% cured of the fetish. What do I mean? I mean that most of the time, it doesn't even occur to me. Very occasionally, when drifting off to sleep, I'll have some silly fantasy about bondage, but there's a twist — this time, I'm the dom, not the sub! When I wake up in the morning with a clearer head, I realise the ridiculousness of it, and it goes away again.

    I started my NoFap journey November 2018. I have not watched even one second of porn since I started.

    If I can do it, so can you.

    I trust that this gives you hope.
     
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  3. Rootfury

    Rootfury Fapstronaut

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    @Mordobarn Thank you so much Mordo this really helps me in so many ways! There was not many people who could relate to what I was going through, I kept asking the same question multiple times online on multiple forums seeking for some help and I would often not get any replies.

    Yes it does gives me a lot of hope and I will keep reading this whenever I need it. This tells me that I will be all right and it is possible and life will get even more better eventually.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2020
  4. Neurostudent

    Neurostudent Fapstronaut

    I think you need to separate the fetish from your relationship with the fetish. Personally I believe these kinds of fetishes can be practiced in a healthy manner, and I don't think there is anything unethical or immoral about them. However, it's very clear to me that you have a lot of shame, uncertainty, and compulsion regarding this fetish.

    My advice to you is start working on this shame. I've made several posts about dealing with shame that I'll post below. Read through them and apply them to your own situation. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me anything either here or in a private message.

    Either way, I think the biggest things you need to do right is work on building your streak and working on your ability to find a partner. The first is to deal with the compulsive behaviour. You're a sex addict. Plain and simple. At this point in your recovery, you really cannot trust your own mind when it comes to sexuality because you just don't know what it means to be sexually healthy. Neither do I, but it's something that both of us can work on. You may find after getting an appreciable streak that this fetish really isn't for you. Maybe you'll find out it really is for you, and that's totally fine as long as you are in control of the fetish rather than it being in control of you. The second is that if you want to find a partner who is going to respect who you are, whether that's as a recovering sex addict or a kinky sub (or both), you are going to have to learn how to present your authentic self in a relatable and attractive way. Learn people skills, learn to be an effective communicator, and an interesting and engaging conversationalist. These skills are paramount for anyone's life, but they'll also teach you how to find a truly high quality partner who will accept you as you are.

    Here are the posts I recommend you read:
    1. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/getting-image-flashes-repeatedly.267913/
      • This is a short thread where I give several techniques to a guy dealing with a lot of shame. Definitely read through all the posts, however, the second last post (my post) is the one most about dealing with shame through meditation.
    2. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...-your-fetishes-disappear.268865/#post-2449346
    3. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/a-neuroscience-students-journal.267922/ (Go to Day Three)
    4. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/the-ultimate-guide-for-dealing-with-libido-loss.268911/
    Just as a final note about increasing your streak. Right now, NoFap isn't important enough for you. You might disagree and say, "no this is really important to me, I really want to quit this!" Well...then why have you only made it to 13 days in 5 years? How often are you posting in a journal here? How often are you engaging in the different threads, offering advice to people? How often do you read success stories on here and on YBOP? YBOP has literally thousands of stories from people who have gone through this journey. How often are you meditating? How often are you going to the gym? How often are you eating healthy? Are you actually going to read all of those posts I gave you? Are you going to read the books I mentioned in one of the posts?

    How much of your time are you investing in getting over this shit? The more of yourself that you invest in something, the more important it becomes to you. All of those things I mentioned are going to help your recovery. All of them. And when you do them, think, "this is helping me beat this addiction. This is helping me recover." When you inevitably relapse, have some self-love and self-compassion. Then, pick yourself back up and continue improving, little by little, every single day. Otherwise, you'll be trapped in this state of limbo for the rest of your fucking life. Never knowing if your desires are real or porn-induced. Never being able to find a partner you can love and who can love you. Start taking action now.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2020
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  5. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

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    I completely agree. Porn addiction is not the same as having a fetish, though you can certainly entangle the two like you have. You don't realize can have a wild sex life, or simply a wild hobby (you mention being a virgin still despite participating in BDSM) without watching porn. I practice kinbaku on occasion and enjoy the practice, and yet I don't use it for PMO. Being heavily beaten can certainly be unsafe/unhealthy, and any underlying personal issues might make you vulnerable to a toxic relationship, but those issues can be identified and resolved through a psychologist.
     
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  6. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    You need to look at the bigger picture. While bondage is certainly the place to start, bondage is just a manifestation of your underlying problem - submission. In some people it manifests as JOI (jerk off instructions), in mistress play, in being passive for a transexual, in feminization, in hocd/homosexual tendencies.

    So my advice is not to spend too much time fixating on bondage but on your underlying desire for submission and the lack of control when it comes to submission. Most common "benefit" of submission is a relief of anxiety since if you're not in control and someone else is, you are no longer responsible for anything and you are not at fault for anything. In a way, it's a sort of infantilization.

    So submission sexual fantasies, whether it's bondage, joi, gay etc, are the best way for you to make something that you really hate in real life (the fact that you don't have control of life) be pleasant for you - you eroticize your own defects and problems.

    Submission behavior fades away when you start being assertive.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
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  7. You've asked in the wrong forums :)

    I used to belong to a forum filled with people with fetishes, mostly men but quite a few women, mostly straight but quite a few gay and other.

    The majority of the fetishes were tease-and-denial, forced chastity, and the inevitable progression into forced feminisation. I noticed a consequence of this: the frequent desire for FLR, i.e. female-led relationships, where the woman is in charge and the man is her permanent slave in a chastity device. Also on the forum were a number of people, mostly women, who professionally cater to those fetishes!

    The BDSM community is huge.
    Depending on how you define "healthy", this is true. Provided that the fetishes are fully consensual, they are perfectly ethical.

    The problem, as I see it, is different — here, I'm using an alternative definition of "healthy". From all the experience that I've had both experiencing this fetish and observing others in their fetishes, and noticing the inevitable progression (just as porn-addiction also always progresses), it seems to me that the vast majority have become induced into their fetish through some kind of emotional problem.

    For me, I started this fetish when I was 5 or 6. But, my upbringing was extremely tough, and I think that it was my way of coping with the overwhelming emotional overload and being made to feel unworthy and not good enough.

    Before NoFap, I had an irresistible compulsion to this fetish. The fetish itself had been steadily progressing to more and more extremes. I was starting to look into FLR or getting a professional Dom. Now, however, I hardly have the fetish any more, and it reduces further every month. Indeed, when I feel the fetish, I then imagine myself actually getting involved with it, and I find the idea repulsive.

    I don't know of any scientific research into the origins of sexual fetishes apart from already-known porn-induced (I certainly didn't have access to porn at the ages of 5 and 6!), but it seems unlikely to me that large numbers of mentally healthy people would develop fetishes. After all, every fetish is a compulsion, and in some way uncomfortable or harmful or worse. Think of bondage and denial — I can tell you, having had plenty of experience of this, that as much as I used to feel compelled to indulge, even as I was doing it and pushing myself harder, at the same time, it was intensely frustrating and distressing. Hardly emotionally healthy!
    Fully agreed. A fetish isn't something to be ashamed of; it's something that you have, and presumably not deliberately. The same with addiction. No need for shame.
     
  8. I know some people on this forum who kinda cured their masochistic fetishes and their porn addiction. But ultimately it does not matter what specifically your fetishes are. You need to readjust to a healthy sexual frame and overcome this sexual addiction to fantasy and porn. But I am not the one to blame you because I have the same problems and PIED.

    I suggest you check out if you have PIED.
     
  9. But the sad truth us that we need to have a honest look into the circumstances that triggered our submissive fetishes and what made them grow to the extend that we are grappling with today.

    What happened to us as small children? What emotional abuse did we go through?
     
  10. I have a friend who is a therapist. I have had many discussions with her, and have helped her in some of her therapy sessions. I find it mind-boggling just how many people have suffered abuse or other trauma, whether as children or adults or both.
     
  11. Neurostudent

    Neurostudent Fapstronaut

    I think you raise several good points that outline how complicated human sexuality can be. Is the origin of a bdsm fetish always the result of some sort of trauma? I once read a story about a woman who had a great upbringing, was popular, and had a boyfriend, but had never done anything besides make out. When she was 15 years old she was playing soccer and got hit by another player hard enough to dislocate her knee. It was the first orgasm she ever had and her first introduction to the pleasure that pain could bring her. While we may never know for sure, it seems highly probable that this woman was simply born with a nervous system that perceives pain as pleasure, perhaps to such an extent that it would make her an outlier even among masochists. Would this woman taking advantage of this feature of her nervous system in a respectful, consensual, and mutually beneficial setting be unhealthy?

    Let's take something like spanking that is considered by many to be quite, "vanilla." Is spanking pathological? It's merely a sensation. There is nothing over the top about it. Sure it might be a little bit painful, but it's not extremely painful. It's certainly more pleasurable than painful enough that it adds to the sexual experience even with people who don't consider themselves masochistic. If we can say that penetrative sex can be healthy, then can we also say that spanking can be healthy? Now what about using a paddle? That is essentially spanking, but now you're just using a tool. What about a flogger? Or a cane? Each of these tools just brings about different sensations that the receiver perceives as pleasurable in their own unique way, and many who love a heavy caning hate even the lightest flogging. I guess what my point is, at what point does a pleasurable act become pathological? Especially in light of the fact that some may be naturally born with a nervous system that perceives certain levels of pain as pleasurable. Are we to limit the bounds of their pleasure simply because the average person doesn't perceive the same amount of pain as pleasurable? Why is it that these acts are considered unhealthy, whereas other acts are considered healthy? Where is the line drawn, and why is it drawn there?

    You alluded to the escalating nature of bdsm and how it might relate to porn addiction. We know that the escalating nature of porn addiction is the result of dopaminergic down-regulation followed by the pursuit of stimuli producing a greater amount of dopamine to accommodate that down-regulation. It cannot be denied that bdsm causes at very least the same level of dopaminergic activity as pornography, and I would agree that it causes far, far more. It stands to reason that one's journey into bdsm can be as escalating to the point of pathology as porn addiction can be. I would definitely agree that porn addiction is pathological. Abstinence from pornography is associated with improved erectile health, improved social anxiety, improved motivation, the list goes on. Would such benefits also be found if one abstained from bdsm?

    That also raises a very sinister question: how has the bdsm community of today been influenced by pornography? I've been on fetlife and met some people from munches. Very quickly my feed became inundated by people liking and commenting on pornographic pictures and videos, constantly talking about and engaging in sex. Is this healthy sexuality? It's difficult to tell. Replace sex with most other forms of expression and it becomes more difficult to make any sort of judgement. We wouldn't think twice if they were liking and commenting and talking about art, music, video games, sports, etc, etc. We'd think, "oh that's just a hobby." Is it possible to approach sexuality in such a way, even extreme sexuality such as bdsm, and still call it healthy?

    Now what about the psychological facets of bdsm? The feelings of submission, degradation, fear, and humiliation that are related in different ways to different kinks. Whether they're psychological or not, at the end of the day these are just more sensations. Am I engaging in pathological behaviour if I watch a horror movie? If I go on a roller coaster? If I laugh at a joke at my own expense? If I decide to give in and go watch this movie with my friends rather than the movie I really wanted to see? All of these things involve those four sensations that I mentioned, and yet I wouldn't call them pathological. In fact I think it could be agreed upon that NOT doing these things could be considered indicative of pathology in certain circumstances. If you're too afraid to watch a horror movie, what else in your life are you too afraid to do that is leading to less than optimal outcomes in your life? Same thing with a roller coaster, sometimes things that should make us afraid just excite us. If you can't laugh at yourself is that an indication that you're too insecure? I have a dark sense of humour, I find jokes about myself that could be considered quite degrading to be quite funny and I'm not sexually aroused by being degraded. And if there is someone unwilling to sometimes submit to their friends and watch the movie then that is someone I wouldn't want to be friends with. The act of submission can be quite rewarding. Is it pathological if I submit to my partner and give them a foot massage? To me that's just doing something kind for someone I love and that makes me feel good. To a sub that feeling is so intensely pleasurable that they might want to submit themselves in ways that I would find difficult to do. Why is it pathological if they want to do that simply because I wouldn't want to submit myself to that degree, and yet happily submit myself to my partner and massage their feet?

    I've raised several points here that essentially say the same thing: certain behaviours are considered perfectly normal and healthy until you add a sexual element to them. But can I trust myself? The fact of the matter is that I have an addiction to porn. I have firsthand evidence that it can warp thought patterns in ways that cause extreme anxiety. I suffered for a year with HOCD after watching a video with a trans-woman for the first time. However, it wasn't the cessation of pornography that cured my HOCD. It was accepting the fact that if I was gay, that was okay and there was nothing wrong me. Upon that realization it took a few weeks for my HOCD to be cured. What this suggests is that although pornography can warp our thought patterns, it doesn't necessarily mean that abstinence from pornography is the only cure for these thought patterns.

    If we abstain from porn does it make us feel better? For a lot of us, yes. Others it takes hundreds of days to feel better. In those hundred days they feel horrible, sometimes far worse than they did before quitting porn. Is it emotionally healthy for someone to put themselves through that, sometimes for years, in the pursuit of a healthy sexuality? When we engage in porn do we feel better? In the short-term, yes, but over the long-term most of us feel better doing NoFap. Do I feel good engaging in bdsm? In the short-term, yes. The feeling I get when someone I care for submits to me and cuddles up to me more tightly when I speak about her as if she's my property is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. The feeling I get when engaging in aggressive sex, both verbally and physically, has created some of the most intense sexual experiences I've ever had. In the aftermath of that sex I feel closer to my partner than I have ever felt after engaging in vanilla, "non-pathological," sex. I care for her, and tend to her, making sure she's okay. Together we've explored an extremely intense place, come out the other side, and cared for each other, shown each other that whatever happened, whatever was said, we are both worthy of love and dignity. If we can move forward from that experience and lead genuinely high quality lives, how is this pathological?

    However, it's also true that I have an addiction to pornography and you've said that since you chose to abstain from pornography your fetishes have mostly disappeared. Can I be sure that my desires are not shaped by pornography? Does it really matter? I said that curing my HOCD wasn't contingent on abstaining from pornography, it was instead the result of dealing with my shame and working on my emotional health. If I create a relationship with a woman where we both inspire each other to pursue meaningful and healthy goals, what does it matter what we do in the bedroom? Does it matter that I call her a worthless **** that lives to serve me? I've basically just taken her to a horror movie, but instead of feeling excited by the negative emotion she feels aroused. She is merely a person who becomes aroused by the sensation produced when she's called a worthless ****, and I'm merely a person who becomes aroused by the sensation of calling someone a worthless ****. In both cases, our arousal is also contingent on knowing that the other person is a kind, caring person that has our best interests in mind and attains a sense of mutual satisfaction from the acts in question. Like I said, afterward we cuddle and talk and laugh. Is there really something pathological going on here?

    With that being said though, the same logic could be applied to pornography. Despite having relapsed to pornography 43 times in the past year I would say I am mentally healthier than I have ever been in my life, and probably more mentally healthy than most people. The thing is though, I've experienced PIED and DE. I also know that when I relapse more frequently, I start feeling more anxious, I feel slower socially, I have less motivation, etc. Despite the improvement I've made on my mental health, it is still affected by porn use. So, when it comes to bdsm, I have to be honest with myself and admit the fact that I haven't been far enough away from porn or bdsm to really say how my tastes might change, or how engaging in bdsm might be different from engaging in porn in regard to any potential negative effects.

    To live a truly healthy life, we need to be honest with ourselves about how the various things we do affect us. I think that a period of sexual abstinence is absolutely paramount on anyone's journey toward a healthy sexual life. Unfortunately our society is set up in such a way that most of never bring the light of awareness onto our sexuality, or really any part of our life, until we've dug ourselves a hole, filled it with unhealthy habits, and dived in head first. By removing ourselves from the sexual for a period of time we give ourselves enough room to wipe the slate clean, and then begin to add things back in and see how they actually affect us. Doing this properly depends on us having developed a robust enough emotional life to run the risk of adding something too soon, or adding something we thought might be healthy, but in reality is not healthy. And being able to tell the difference. Things like journalling, meditation, working out, eating healthy, having a rich social life, and meaningful goals we can move toward, are all absolutely essential even if we were to become celibate let alone begin introducing elements of extreme sexuality.

    Now how does this relate to past trauma? I said in my first post that it isn't about the fetish, it is instead about our relationship with the fetish. If we have poor emotional health, if we are governed by shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, fear, anger, and self-hatred, then that is the problem. Not the fetish. I believe that the toxic expressions of sexuality are because of those emotional issues. The sub who only partners with abusive Doms who deny them the very real agency they have in safe words. The Dom who lets their fetish spiral into abuse or only partners with subs who use their position of weakness as a means of manipulating them into treating them like a princess to the detriment of them both. Even that princess's manipulations are probably influenced by their emotional trauma.

    The compulsion that drives us to escalate our addictive behaviour is not merely explained by dopaminergic down-regulation, but also by the need to escape from emotional trauma. Even so, perhaps the fetish itself, and not merely the pathological expressions of the fetish, is the result of the trauma from which those negative emotions were born. Perhaps if we resolve that trauma and the emotions are allowed to play themselves out our fetishes will disappear completely. Maybe they won't. I've known of several people who have gone through a similar journey of recovery and found their fetishes never disappeared. Why is that? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that we have emotional well-being, a high-quality life of our own design, and a high-quality partner. Everything else either serves that or takes away from that. We need to be cognizant enough to tell to what extent and whether or not it needs to change.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2020
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  12. Rootfury

    Rootfury Fapstronaut

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    @Mordobarn @ExFetishist @ultrafabber @primaljade @Neurostudent

    Thanks a lot guys for all the caring you gave to me. There's many replies so I will go even more deeper to where I am coming from and how it got developed and hopefully it answers most of all the questions.

    The fetish of Bondage developed when I was in Kindergarden so I was around 5 or 6 years old, I was playing tag with girls and it was cop and robber, I didn't had a lot of friends at that time and barely had any, it was awful... People only liked to be around me when I was playing CD-Man or any games on the computer because I was good at it and making big scores. The first time we played tag and first got hold by one or two girls by the arms or body to stop me from escaping I could feel the love flowing through me, the warmth as if I mattered and I was being taking cared. Then we faked being tied on a metal pole at a play structure and we had to stay there until the round was finished, on winter it was a bit more fun because we used gloves and there was like those little plastic or metal hooks on them and we would lock them together.

    Then came Disney with all the damsel in distress scenes, sometimes there were males, like Aladdin for example when he gets ditched in the water all bound and many other scenes from all kinds of movies, I remember rewinding those scenes, not sure why but I was attracted to them.

    Then did self-bondage for years, at 12 - 13 I discovered fapping and porn, and I haven't being able to stop, it was my way to cope with pain, depression and anxiety and the fact I didn't had many friends and I wasn't good at school. Later on I mixed with all three for a bigger hit.

    My parents have put shame on me for discovering all kinds of stuff around my room and things that were missing because I used them for self-bondage, I would get shouted at, having disgusted looks and disappointment, anger... It dramatically affected my confidence, one time I handcuffed my cousin on a chair as a prank but lost the keys, it was funny at first but turned into an embarrassing mess, glad her parents weren't there it would have been much worst.

    I lived with a lot of shame for my fetishes, but as time went on I discovered how to accept myself and I healed each time I went out and have fun with people who shared the same interest, I knew I wasn't doing anything bad, but one point I realized the reason why I did bondage is to escape my problems, and I do not want that, so this is why I've left it all together. I slightly regret it but I know that the higher I go without fapping and porn the better my life will be and I will get better friends.

    So yeah that's my little story.
     
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  13. How was your relationship with your parents in general? I don't know how but I came up with the understanding that my parents never accepted negative emotions. I hid them all and have a lot of suppressed anger. Their love was very conditional, in a way they didn't love my true self but only the image that they had from me.

    I think healing sexually will only take place if my emotional health has gotten significantly better. And this means feeling the negative emotions, facing their chronic presence and not supressing them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2020
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  14. Anemos

    Anemos Fapstronaut

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    My story is very similar.
    The first time I discovered my fetish I was 8 yrs old, in the 3rd year in school.
    I stared to the boots of the (woman) teacher.
    And I had fantasies being locked in ... also very weird stuff I don't want to mention

    I have a 3 year younger sister, I asked her to trample on me, what she did.
    I have a good relationship to her but don't dare to ask her if she can remember this weird situation.

    But on the other hand, I had a rather happy childhood, I am the only son (3 sisters) and I was valued and spoilt by my father and grandmother.
    (relation to my mother was a problem)
    So I really don't know where I caught this submission-desire/fetish.
    I guess there was a traumatic experience in early childhood that I completely forgot.
     
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  15. @Neurostudent , you have posted a deep and and intriguing post, thank you. I shall think carefully about all that you have written!
     
  16. Thats where I had to dig in. If the relationship to our mothers was off from the beginning then that is possibly the reason why we are mentally ill. For me it resulted in depersonalization/derealization beginning in my teenage years (I had it in my childhood too, as a psychological protection against emotional abuse, possibly) and in my paraphilic disorder as well as porn addiction. Depression and psychosis followed after I moved out.
     
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  17. Rootfury

    Rootfury Fapstronaut

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    I was never close to my father except when I was very little, and my mom well when I needed her help she was around but when I had problems at school because I was getting bullied she would just tell me to fight and defend myself because she kept calling the school principle and teachers and none of them did shit to deal with the situation, I wanted to defend myself but since childhood I've been told that violence is "bad" and I didn't want to be a bad person and get punished in return so I kept letting others hurting me, I was never rebellious.

    I felt I wasn't getting heard and as if I was lying or making a big fuss for nothing, I would literally cry and tell them that I had no friends to play with and they just brushed it off, I would sit down alone at the playground or at the dinning tables. All the pain I had I kept it all inside, it felt I wasn't important to no one and my opinions didn't matter.

    I was very close to my two brothers but they are older than me so I had both living with me at the beginning and then when they both got their girlfriends they've left me here, it was very difficult for me to deal with that.

    Teachers were mean to me, too, not all of them thankfully, I had trouble focusing at school and I really don't know why but often I would fall asleep in class after 9 hours of rest, that makes no sense to me, I had difficulties to listen and to understand, I have a language disorder called Dysphagia so it made it hard for me to learn, I learn faster and better when I am by myself and at subjects that really interest me. I also now believe that I might have a bit of Autism because since I am a child I've been doing hand flapping and other traits that you would find with someone who has Autism, but I was never diagnosed for that. Anyway in school sometimes the teacher would pick me asking for the answer of a question, sometimes two, and when my mind would drive off thinking about other stuff I didn't know the answers to those questions, I would say something stupid or unrelated that made kids laugh at me and the teacher would get angry, at those moment I was the center of the attention, an easy target.

    I forgive all of this, it is from the past now but it really had a huge impact on my health and mentality.
     
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  18. Master Chips

    Master Chips Fapstronaut

    This is the main urge I get usually, waking up with a fully triggered head. But as I get up quickly I realize how much ridiculous it is. Being Home alone is a trigger too. Thanks for sharing :) this is inspirational
     
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  19. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

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    that's just another bullshit tho.... i addicted to gaming even before i addicted to porn and im 28 now, and since i have a job i always buy some premium service on the game, you know the one player with shiny armor, badge's, dragon all kind of thing..

    but i gave it up because i realize that gaming is actually contributing on my nofap streak.....
    last time i was playing is the same with nofap streak 104 day's...

    its not easy ? yes nearly impossible ? maybe... but i did it,,,, if i can did it so were you

    that mentality of seeing something as an impossible piece of shit is bad for you...you have just keep trying...


    you the one who said that kinky stuff is un normal .....and i think that there would be no normal woman who enjoy being tied and hurt...
     
  20. Much of what is being said about your childhoods recently is bringing home quite a lot of stuff for me, too. Thank you for sharing.

    Did you mean dyslexia? If undiagnosed, it makes things very hard for a child.

    Autism is widely undiagnosed, which is a pity because when dealt with properly, autistic people are awesome.
     

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