I need some help. Hear me out.

Yeah you're right. This is hard. I'm scared and I can't get my mind off things because of this issue...but thanks for your continued support even if it's stuff I'd rather not hear.

 

Thanks. I just wonder what should be the first step in this direction. I need to make a reboot plan and stick with it.

I would like to try and be upfront but that scares me for a multitude of reasons. And the one-side fixation you said, I agree with because it's not just unhealthy for my reboot. Forget that for a second.

It's unhealthy because I'm obsessed. An unrequited love if you will. And I don't want this. At all. This happened before and it sucked and I ended up getting really, really hurt from it. I didn't know how to process these feelings.

This is why I'm sick. I always have had issues with my sexuality (being gay has been a struggle for me). It's better now than it has been in the past though.

I am just very scared and afraid. But there's a way out of this, so I gotta man-up and stop with the self-pity.

This is my chance to really better my life, IMO. Keep busy, meditate, look for new opportunities, etc. I'm glad this e.d. happened to me because it woke me up to some of my issues, but I'm also struggling with the emotional part. And I don't know how to handle that except with meditation and that's something I'm new with.

The struggle is real. scorp81, do you believe in meditation as a recovery tool for controlling urges, emotional well-being, etc., and such or no? Just curious. I know there's a meditation advocacy in these communities so I don't know how well this would even help my issue even.

The depression comes from the fact that yeah, maybe I want to be with someone. But I realistically cannot have someone in my life at this time for a multitude of reasons.

I feel like I need to keep busy in order for these feelings to go away. And that's not easy for me right now because of how I conditioned myself over many years of thinking about sex, sex, sex and leading to porn use long-term.

This is why I feel very much stuck emotionally. Perhaps the loneliness board will help me out?

 

Thank you scorp81. It's extremely difficult right now. I'm very afraid and I expect myself to continue failing, until something clicks. I can't even sleep at night well because I'm just so overwhelmed and anxious. Getting over someone is difficult in itself. I literally go to bed, wake up, bed, wake up, with anxiety in me that cycles because I'm just so distraught by this condition and everything. I can't live peacefully because of this.

A close friend of mine told me that I need to start viewing this person (if I'm to save this friendship) as a friend more than a sexual interest. And that's hard in general. I don't know how it can be done, but I think I'll get over him in time. It happens. I lost sexual interest in friends over-time. This one just seems harder. It's not just for this friendship, but also for my sanity. This is all built up from loneliness over the years and struggling with my sexual orientation, conditioned self-hate, self-conditioned hypersexuality, depression from a traumatic childhood, low self-esteem. I wonder if I am the one to blame fully? Or if it's just a negative consequence of how I groomed to see myself in the world? My self-image of myself is low. I do not like myself. Porn was the coping mechanism of pain. This is/was my heroin.

My therapist believes this was a good thing and sees hope. I can't agree more. It's just so painful. A pain I will escape one day.

I'm not committing to a journal because I know I will fail. I'm afraid, I'm scared, but I need to welcome it. It's Halloween afterall!

I'm very grateful to be in therapy, having a supportive psychiatrist, having a supportive family. I'm even grateful for this addiction because it woke me up and clarified the pain I've been causing myself for 10 years until it all hit me at once.

This will be a gradual change. Not just in my penis or brain itself, but in my own personal life.

I've already ordered the "Slight Edge" book to start my journey of recovery. I need to digest this all.

It's a journey that's not easy, no doubt.

I may not be ready for a relationship, but I may be ready for real social interactions. That could help start the healing process. I'm possibly committing to driving lessons too, as well.

As a late bloomer at 29 (almost 30), I've missed out on a lot, didn't go to college (yet) but also learned a lot. My 20's were painfully isolating. Now's the time to take initiative and love, learn, and laugh. I think this is where me and Noah Church identify (I think?).

This isn't a venous leak. This isn't cancer. This is a porn addiction. Porn kills erections. I can heal from this and live life as the gay man I want to be as.

 

Thanks for your help. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. This whole process requires a lot of self-introspection on my end.

 

That's what I was thinking. it's just such a challenge though because my social anxiety is to the extreme. I think it's possible.

 

I was thinking of going back to school. But stress and pressure are a terror to me. That's why I am considering more meditation to my schedule. I haven't started it yet though. I kind of don't know where or how to begin.

 

Thank you IGY. Stupid question but, did you ever have PIED/flatline and successfully recover from it?

 

How'd you heal? Do you have a journal anywhere? I'd like more advice and a success story to read (if you have one).

 

Oh and I know that someone's first thoughts would be to just forget about this guy and reboot but I just don't think giving up a friendship out of the blue is good, IMO. He did nothing wrong. This just a weird situation I'm in.

I want to try and save the friendship and reboot but I don't know how to. Where there's a will, there's a way IMO.

My close friend has told me that I need to try and view him as a friend because not only for myself, but the fact that he's taken. I think it can be done. I've lost feelings for straight and gay guys before.

I feel like such a horrible person, ugh. What did I get myself into?