I need someone to give me a different perspective...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Peter.Parker10, Jan 6, 2021.

  1. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys,

    I'm still on hard mode.

    To be honest, I've disconnected from my PMO problem a bit, and that's taken me to lower my guard a little.

    On day 63 porn cravings hit me. Here's what happened:

    During work I had to look for images that I needed to complete my work. In the image browser I use, there's an option to disable "safe search", which means that triggering material can show up while you're doing your re-asearch.

    Well, I can't lie to anyone, I disabled it, and with the hope to find triggering stuff.

    Of course, it was just a matter of minutes, until I got a couple of triggering pictures.

    Then I went to facebook and typed something that was going to bring me even more triggering stuff.

    I stared to a couple of pictures for like 3 minutes, and then porn cravings hit me hard as well as a craving to masturbate.

    I said to myself: Stop it, it's been a long way, and I turned off my laptop.

    After that I spent like 2 hours in this "escapism mode". Just watching youtube videos one after another. (This has lead me to relapse in the past).

    The kinds of videos I watched were, to be honest, content that gave me this hope to find something triggering, like stuff people didn't know they were doing in live streaming.

    After that, I stopped this behavior, went out of the house, and I decided that I needed some time away from the computer, so the next day, I didn't use the laptop.

    The thing is:
    • I feel like if I had relapsed. Like if I had been lying to my wife again.
    • I've been feeling some kind of chaser effect after that day, and porn cravings have been in the back of my mind.
    • My energy went back to being low, and I haven't been able to be as positive as I was.
    I didn't reset my counter because I feel it'd be unfair, I didn't PMO, so I created a new counter called "escapism".

    I know I made poor decisions on day 63.

    Have I fall into a set back?
    Would you guys consider this as a relapse?
    How would you look at what I've done?

    Your thoughts will be deeply appreciated.
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2021
    eagle rising likes this.
  2. Nº 9

    Nº 9 Fapstronaut

    As I see things, it is not relevant if it counts as a relapse or not. What if is a relapse? If it is are you going to be using it as an excuse for PMO or binge?

    The important thing is that you develop enough resources to face your addiction and consistently mantain yourself away from that behaviour.
    You said it well "I disabled the safe search" "I wanted to see triggering stuff".
    By being aware of that, and saying it you are being honest with yourself and that is very powerful.
    You are fighting against yourself. A part from yourself.

    You being able to identify that, is relevant.

    Now identify how it is you who is generating all that BS in you head, all that doubts. Feel how you are feeling low and f*cked in the head, and how your urges increased. Because that is you wanting to manipulate yourself to fall into PMO, can you see it?
    You feel like sh*t, ok, but, do you think that PMO is going to make you feel better?? Really? Why you asociate one thing and another? Isnt it that exactly what an addicton is?

    Think about it. See this things. Learn about yourself
    eagle rising likes this.
  3. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Been here, done that.

    No it's not a relapse.
    Yes it's a slip.

    A relapse is when you your cross inner circle boundaries. Such as PMO, Affairs, P.Hoarding, Lying, Voyeuring, Binging, Strip Clubs, Escorts, Cruising, etc..

    You left outter circle behaviors or mindful intentional living. The things that got you to 63days. You moved toward the spirally funnel of inner-circle behaviors.

    I must commend you on 2 things you did that are absolute wins. 1 you recognized the poor decisions and moved away from them, and 2 (often harder) you admitted to yourself what is happening. No minimizing, and are Avoiding denial and staying in reality. Awesome job! Top tierre recovery!

    Slips are great warning signs. It shows our weaknesses. Use it to develop resolve in these areas. Keep safe search on, don't go to to media (youtube) for emotional relief, be careful of PSubs, don't believe the monster's lies that tell you "a little peek won't hurt, you are strong enough, no one will have to know"
    Destroy the monster! Don't feed him.

    Sorry you slipped brother, sure you feel guilt, guilt should motivate you to change for the better.
    Don't apply shame, you are in a reboot, you slipped, okay.. this doesn't mean you're are a failure. Shame would apply your defective action onto you as a person. We are human, we mess up. Show some shame resilience, and love yourself enough to learn from it and be better because of it.

    I wish you all the best. Keep up the good fight!
    tonyk1982, eagle rising and Lilla_My like this.
  4. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    Forget about the streak, forget about what happened yersterday. It only matters what are you going to do today. Only focus on behaving yourself today, you can't change what happened yesterday. Learn from it a move on. Get better from and addiction is not a straigthforward path, there are going to be low days. Just accept them and keep going foward.
  5. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

    You guys are so right! It's time to keep going and forget about this slip. It's not a straightforward path. Thank you so much!
    bama_lost likes this.
  6. bama_lost

    bama_lost Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I agree that the self-awareness is paramount. I had a similar situations where I was searching for something legitimately and "accidentally" stumbled upon something triggering. Then, it was like I kept returning to it to try to trigger myself... intertwined with a bit of the "escapism" aspect.

    Then what happened was the freaking cluster that was Jan 6th happened... and I finished the day with a super personal cluster of my own making... Now, that self-triggering I was doing to myself is the furthest from my mind.

    Guess I'm just saying that everyday is a new day.
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    You have to decide for yourself what is a slip, reset, relapse, etc. Look at your motivations and what drives you to do certain things. My husband would consider this a relapse for himself. He doesn't differentiate because he feels like it leads him down the wrong road of "well it wasn't that bad, it was just a slip" and that can lead to a very slippery slope. He resets his counter. He feels that is what keeps him accountable the best, so he doesn't lie to himself. If an alcoholic or drug addict takes one drink or one hit, they are no longer sober and starts their clocks over again, so he feels his sex addiction is the same.

    But not everyone feels the way he does. You have set a different counter for yourself and that's good. Be sure you aren't minimizing the gravity of where your actions could have led you. Not saying you are, just urging you to examine your thinking.

    And yes, if you haven't told your wife, you are lying to her , at least in my view. It might be a 'slip' but it's still an omission and intentional omission is lying.
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Yup, same with my husband. This would absolutely be a relapse because “ the search and hunt is part of the addiction cycle and gives you a “ hit” of dopamine. He counts it as a relapse because he has abandoned recovery tools if he is searching out images.
    MountainInMyWay and EyesWideOpen like this.
  9. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut


    Overall you did good, truly.

    But, in order to reaps the benefits of getting yourself away from your laptop you have to literally congratulate yourself on it. Give yourself a gold star! Yes, recognize what bad you did, but don't dwell on it. Also recognize the good and build on that.

    Peter.Parker10 likes this.
  10. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

    Thank you, that's super clear and aligns with what I'm aiming for.
    eagle rising likes this.

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