I need support

[Just me]

Hey guys, it's been a long time since I've been on here, and thankfully I'm not back due to a relapse or anything like that. Quick background, my husband is a PA and has been battling his addiction in a mostly successful way since 2011. After that we had no home internet and he had no smart phone. In about 2014 he got a smartphone but he relapsed in either 2015 or 2016. Since then we have been using an accountability software (no filters) and he has had no relapses that I am aware of and we got home internet and a desktop computer in early 2020 (just before the pandemic, which ended up being pretty good timing). Every device has been locked down and my husband doesn't know the wifi password, and everything is monitored. However, about a year ago I stopped reading the reports completely. It's honestly no fun policing my husband. He had said something to the effect of as long as he thinks im reading them, that's all that matters. Well as he is making modifications to the computer (upgrading parts) of course we run into issues with some things and he mentioned that he is becoming resentful about everything he does being monitored. And being worried always about what I would think about stuff. I could tell he was really bothered. So I told him, you know I haven't read the reports in like a year. And then I asked him if he was ready to try without accountability software. He was very unsure and basically said he didn't know. I said if it's making him resent me we should try and re-evaluate. He's been to therapy for this issue a few times (each time in an ongoing fashion, not just a few sessions) but isn't currently. However, his closest friend also will not watch porn and my husband has been open with him about it. I said he should check in with his friend and see if he would be ok with him calling him when he is feeling weak or tempted. Basically, I don't want him resenting me and I don't really like it either.

However, when he does relapse I feel that I have a very extreme reaction to it. Not in terms of anything I say or do, but my whole self image tanks and I feel like our relationship is a lie. I should mention that I have OCD and too be honest, this is the issue that I obsess over the most. When I'm not medicated it probably takes up a out 50% of my waking thoughts. Now that I am medicated again... It was probably like 10%. Any time we would get a new device I feel completely panicked and just... I feel like it's hard to overstate what it does to me when he relapses. When he had a relapse I had a hard time thinking about anything else.... Granted I wasn't medicated those times so I'm not sure what it would do to me now. I am more the one trying to say it's time to end the accountability software now because he said it's causing a growing resentment. I totally see why it would feel that way. He says he cares more about me than about privacy and autonomy which I know is true. I told him he needs to reach out to his friend and he says that's probably a good idea.

Honestly, I'm fairly certain that there will be a relapse at some point. I just feel myself already falling apart and I just can hardly function but I'm pretty sure having our current situation is also not sustainable.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Hey guys, it's been a long time since I've been on here, and thankfully I'm not back due to a relapse or anything like that. Quick background, my husband is a PA and has been battling his addiction in a mostly successful way since 2011. After that we had no home internet and he had no smart phone. In about 2014 he got a smartphone but he relapsed in either 2015 or 2016. Since then we have been using an accountability software (no filters) and he has had no relapses that I am aware of and we got home internet and a desktop computer in early 2020 (just before the pandemic, which ended up being pretty good timing). Every device has been locked down and my husband doesn't know the wifi password, and everything is monitored. However, about a year ago I stopped reading the reports completely. It's honestly no fun policing my husband. He had said something to the effect of as long as he thinks im reading them, that's all that matters. Well as he is making modifications to the computer (upgrading parts) of course we run into issues with some things and he mentioned that he is becoming resentful about everything he does being monitored. And being worried always about what I would think about stuff. I could tell he was really bothered. So I told him, you know I haven't read the reports in like a year. And then I asked him if he was ready to try without accountability software. He was very unsure and basically said he didn't know. I said if it's making him resent me we should try and re-evaluate. He's been to therapy for this issue a few times (each time in an ongoing fashion, not just a few sessions) but isn't currently. However, his closest friend also will not watch porn and my husband has been open with him about it. I said he should check in with his friend and see if he would be ok with him calling him when he is feeling weak or tempted. Basically, I don't want him resenting me and I don't really like it either.

However, when he does relapse I feel that I have a very extreme reaction to it. Not in terms of anything I say or do, but my whole self image tanks and I feel like our relationship is a lie. I should mention that I have OCD and too be honest, this is the issue that I obsess over the most. When I'm not medicated it probably takes up a out 50% of my waking thoughts. Now that I am medicated again... It was probably like 10%. Any time we would get a new device I feel completely panicked and just... I feel like it's hard to overstate what it does to me when he relapses. When he had a relapse I had a hard time thinking about anything else.... Granted I wasn't medicated those times so I'm not sure what it would do to me now. I am more the one trying to say it's time to end the accountability software now because he said it's causing a growing resentment. I totally see why it would feel that way. He says he cares more about me than about privacy and autonomy which I know is true. I told him he needs to reach out to his friend and he says that's probably a good idea.

Honestly, I'm fairly certain that there will be a relapse at some point. I just feel myself already falling apart and I just can hardly function but I'm pretty sure having our current situation is also not sustainable.

What’s he doing to make you feel safer? Just fyi -what your describing about how you react when he relapses is very common and perfectly normal..
I would also wonder why he has any resentment? He created this mess. He is responsible to fix it.

 

[hope4healing]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. It is so stressful, and you have every right to feel the way you do.

he mentioned that he is becoming resentful about everything he does being monitored. And being worried always about what I would think about stuff. I could tell he was really bothered.

This is a little concerning IMO. Generally, over time, PA's in recovery become less resentful about being monitored and more understanding of the reason why it has to happen. If they have nothing to hide and they want their SO to trust them again, it shouldn't be a huge problem. Furthermore, they acknowledge that it's their addiction that necessitates the monitoring. It isn't because of something you did. So, why is he suddenly resentful of you? It isn't like you've been hovering over his every move, especially since you weren't even checking the reports for so long.

He was very unsure and basically said he didn't know.

What kinds of things is he doing to work his recovery besides the previous therapy sessions? If he's just white-knuckling, that only works for so long. The fact that he's so unsure himself about removing accountability software seems rather telling and would make me worry.

I feel like it's hard to overstate what it does to me when he relapses. When he had a relapse I had a hard time thinking about anything else...

Please understand that this type of reaction is completely normal for the situation. Betrayal trauma is a type of PTSD and can make you feel like your whole world is flipped over and turned inside out in an instant. The thoughts and fears will sometimes consume you in every way. The fact that you've endured multiple relapses only makes it worse.

He says he cares more about me than about privacy and autonomy

If this is true, then he might want to really think about where the resentment is coming from. There seems to be a lack of empathy for you and all you're going through, and it seems he still isn't fully accountable for the damage that's been done.

I'm very sorry for your struggles. I can relate to everything you said. It's painful and unfair. Is it possible for you to find a therapist who works with betrayal trauma? I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

 

[Just me]

What’s he doing to make you feel safer? Just fyi -what your describing about how you react when he relapses is very common and perfectly normal..
I would also wonder why he has any resentment? He created this mess. He is responsible to fix it.

Thank you for your reply. I don't know what he will do to make me feel safer.

I'm not sure exactly what started the resentment because he said he didn't have any to begin with. It has been a hassle since we have gotten home internet and devices and stuff like that. All the things we have to do (computers can only connect by wifi and he can't know the wifi password, because then he'd be able to boot from a different operating system and just get on the internet not on windows) and all the things I have to do to make sure he doesn't see the wifi password.... Then he got an Alexa which has to be on my Amazon account because there is a "skill" to say your wifi password, he got a Kindle and that has to have the browser disabled and on and on. Everytime anything new comes in the house it makes me have a real bad time.... He also did say if any of his friends said that their wives were keep tabs on everything they said or did or read on every device he'd think that relationship was crazy. Which it is sort of crazy. I kind of hate it. Last night the last straw was that when he synced his Microsoft edge account, it had somehow saved the wifi password which basically rendered every wall we have put up useless.

 

[Just me]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. It is so stressful, and you have every right to feel the way you do.


This is a little concerning IMO. Generally, over time, PA's in recovery become less resentful about being monitored and more understanding of the reason why it has to happen. If they have nothing to hide and they want their SO to trust them again, it shouldn't be a huge problem. Furthermore, they acknowledge that it's their addiction that necessitates the monitoring. It isn't because of something you did. So, why is he suddenly resentful of you? It isn't like you've been hovering over his every move, especially since you weren't even checking the reports for so long.


What kinds of things is he doing to work his recovery besides the previous therapy sessions? If he's just white-knuckling, that only works for so long. The fact that he's so unsure himself about removing accountability software seems rather telling and would make me worry.


Please understand that this type of reaction is completely normal for the situation. Betrayal trauma is a type of PTSD and can make you feel like your whole world is flipped over and turned inside out in an instant. The thoughts and fears will sometimes consume you in every way. The fact that you've endured multiple relapses only makes it worse.


If this is true, then he might want to really think about where the resentment is coming from. There seems to be a lack of empathy for you and all you're going through, and it seems he still isn't fully accountable for the damage that's been done.

I'm very sorry for your struggles. I can relate to everything you said. It's painful and unfair. Is it possible for you to find a therapist who works with betrayal trauma? I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

Thank you for your response. I'm not 100% sure what caused the resentment to start but we've gone to ridiculous lengths to keep the wifi password from him, which is now going to be virtually impossible. And I think it was just a bunch of little things that we had to do, Alexa has to be in my name so she won't tell the wifi password, kindle have to be locked down, and I think the biggest thing he said was he'd thing it was some crazy stuff if he heard one of his friend's wives read everything he said, read or did on any device. Up until 2 days ago he was under the impression that I was reading everything (he had previously told me that he needed to believe I was reading the reports so I just didn't tell him when I started reading every other report, and then when I stopped) I am really encouraging him to get his good friend who hasn't watched porn since he started dating his now wife to be an accountability partner. He has similar values, is non judgemental, and I'd really rather him talk to someone else about this other than me. I don't think he can be fully honest with me with what's going on if he is feeling tempted. He stopped counseling when the counselor repeatedly pushed him on his sexual abuse as a child. He would be screaming alone in the car after sessions so I understand why he doesn't want to go back. (this particular session actually didn't have to do with his PA but it was the same counselor)

I'm actually taking his hesitancy to remove the accountability software as a sign that he knows this isn't something to be super confident and self assured about. I wish their was more of a halfway point.... But I also feel like once the wifi password is available to him it just doesn't matter anymore.

I do think he is empathetic. I think he has had so much more trauma in his life that this pales in comparison to what he's gone through but I know he doesn't want to hurt me again. He thinks I hate him when he relapses, which isn't the truth. I just become much more quiet and struggle to function. Which is already happening even just knowing we are going to be taking off our guard rails. He does say things like he knows he doesn't deserve to be trusted or that this is all his fault so I don't think he is a solving himself of responsiblity.

Part of the problem for me is that I now feel responsible for keeping him safe. Which is awful. I KNOW I can't stop him but it feels like I can.

Thank you for your empathy. I was seeing a counselor regularly up through June, and this was a topic we talked about frequently. At the time there was no indication that we'd be removing accountability software any time soon. The main reason I stopped seeing her was because she was super flaky and had to reschedule me atleast 25% of the time which is alot when you are seeing her every week. It made me feel very unimportant and so I stopped.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Thank you for your reply. I don't know what he will do to make me feel safer.

I'm not sure exactly what started the resentment because he said he didn't have any to begin with. It has been a hassle since we have gotten home internet and devices and stuff like that. All the things we have to do (computers can only connect by wifi and he can't know the wifi password, because then he'd be able to boot from a different operating system and just get on the internet not on windows) and all the things I have to do to make sure he doesn't see the wifi password.... Then he got an Alexa which has to be on my Amazon account because there is a "skill" to say your wifi password, he got a Kindle and that has to have the browser disabled and on and on. Everytime anything new comes in the house it makes me have a real bad time.... He also did say if any of his friends said that their wives were keep tabs on everything they said or did or read on every device he'd think that relationship was crazy. Which it is sort of crazy. I kind of hate it. Last night the last straw was that when he synced his Microsoft edge account, it had somehow saved the wifi password which basically rendered every wall we have put up useless.

If my husband said that iId answer “ if every friend I had knew you were a porn addict they would tell me to divorce Your cheating a$$”. He is the entire reason YOU are inconvenienced. YOU. Not him. I’m surprised you aren’t livid at his insinuations that it’s crazy for you to monitor a proven liar. He is talking like an addict, and not one who is in recovery at all.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I’m sick and grumpy, lol, didn’t mean that to sound as harsh as it does.

 

[Just me]

I’m sick and grumpy, lol, didn’t mean that to sound as harsh as it does.

Hahaha. I get your point though..... He did say something like for any other reason... And that he didn't deserve to be trusted. I mean I get it, but at the same time it is exhausting to me. Like I don't want our families to visit because I don't want to tell them our wifi password for fear that he will hear or somehow get it from them. and on top of that now that there is such an obvious loop hole that I don't even see the point of an accountability software. Now that wifi passwords apparently sync to his browser, he would just need to boot another operating system and the wifi password would be saved.... So like there is no point anymore? We have 8 more days on our annual subscription so we are making our final decision between then and now but I can't even see the point of trying.

I wish I could detach myself from him and his choices.

 

[hope4healing]

I think the biggest thing he said was he'd thing it was some crazy stuff if he heard one of his friend's wives read everything he said, read or did on any device.

What would he think if he heard that his friend hadn't been completely faithful to his wife, and his friend had lied and deceived her numerous times after promising not to do that anymore? It might not seem too crazy then. He created the situation that made accountability necessary, and he's the one who has to recreate the situation where it's no longer needed by consistently showing that he's trustworthy and that he's learned new, healthier ways to deal with stress and emotions.

I am really encouraging him to get his good friend who hasn't watched porn since he started dating his now wife to be an accountability partner. He has similar values, is non judgemental, and I'd really rather him talk to someone else about this other than me.

I think this is a great idea and a good start. Hopefully his friend might be able to encourage him to take some other steps towards real lasting recovery, too. I'm sorry for the things that happened to him during childhood. That's a lot to work through. But, I think that, as uncomfortable as it may be at times, it's something he truly needs to work through. I'm sure it plays a major role in his addiction because he uses P as a coping mechanism. He doesn't know how to deal with all the trauma in a healthy way so he uses P to escape and numb out.

I also think this may have to do with the resentment. It's more of a resentment of the situation and all the pent up trauma and unresolved pain that he's holding inside, and because you would see the reports (if you were reading them), he can't fall back on his usual way of coping with it all. Therefore, it seems the resentment falls on you.

But I also feel like once the wifi password is available to him it just doesn't matter anymore.

Unfortunately, this is might be the case. But, this could also be a pivotal moment for him if he really wants it to be. Of course, he can take the 'addict' route and do nothing to be better prepared for when the software is gone and he has nothing to hold him accountable. Then, whatever happens seems almost inevitable...or even expected and its so much easier to rationalize. Or, he can be proactive because he knows very well that he's not at a place where things will go anywhere but south as soon as the opportunity arises. He could decide that it's better to keep the software and do whatever is necessary to make it so that he still doesn't have the password. It is possible to figure out a way to maintain accountability. I understand it's a huge pain in the butt to constantly be 'arranging' things to eliminate all loopholes. We were just going through all of it tonight because of new devices. But, like I told my husband, going through the hassle of setting everything up is no where near as bad as what we go through when there's a relapse. Not even close. But, it on him to decide whether he wants to work on recovery or work on a relapse because, honestly, it's one or the other.

He thinks I hate him when he relapses, which isn't the truth. I just become much more quiet and struggle to function.

I think most of them think this when they relapse, but it's because of the way they hate themselves. They don't feel like they're even lovable at that point, and when they see how much pain we are feeling because of it, it only reinforces it. I, too, become very quiet and have difficulty functioning normally. I feel like the pain has completely swallowed me, trapping me in it, and I have a hard time thinking about anything else.

Part of the problem for me is that I now feel responsible for keeping him safe. Which is awful. I KNOW I can't stop him but it feels like I can.

I understand this so well. It's not only about keeping him safe, but it's also about keeping yourself safe as well. By doing everything possible to prevent them from relapsing, we also feel like we're doing everything possible to prevent the agonizing heartbreak we feel when it happens. It's so hard to let go of that responsibility, especially after it's happened so many times.

I can see why you wouldn't want to continue with that counselor. Are there any others in your area that you could try? I know sometimes it's hard to find one that specializes in betrayal trauma, and I think, for this particular issue, it's important to find one that does. Otherwise, it can cause even more damage.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Hahaha. I get your point though..... He did say something like for any other reason... And that he didn't deserve to be trusted. I mean I get it, but at the same time it is exhausting to me. Like I don't want our families to visit because I don't want to tell them our wifi password for fear that he will hear or somehow get it from them. and on top of that now that there is such an obvious loop hole that I don't even see the point of an accountability software. Now that wifi passwords apparently sync to his browser, he would just need to boot another operating system and the wifi password would be saved.... So like there is no point anymore? We have 8 more days on our annual subscription so we are making our final decision between then and now but I can't even see the point of trying.

I wish I could detach myself from him and his choices.

There are a couple red flags that your husband is flashing. Never, ever listen to words. My husband doesn’t want to hurt me. He knows he’s the one who has caused almost every single problem in our marriage. Every addict says the same things. They all say how much they want to stop, how much they hate it, how they never want to hurt us, etc…. It’s what they do that you need to watch. It’s disturbing that he stopped counseling about his childhood sexual abuse. Even if it means a different counselor, that is one of the traumas that he needs to uncover and deal with. It gets messy, it’s uncomfortable and it’s one of the reasons he’s an addict. Just because he’s screaming and crying afterword doesn’t mean the counselor/counseling was wrong or not working. In fact, most likely the opposite. I have a friend who was raped repeatedly as a child and she couldn’t/wouldn’t continue counseling for the exact same reason, she hated talking about it, it was too painful. What that actually means is she hasn’t processed the pain and until she does she will continue living with that trauma. Him talking about resenting you for the monitoring, but then saying he knows he’s to blame, that’s a form of manipulation and addicts are pro’s at it. It’s a quasi form of taking responsibility but not really. It’s the push and pull that addicts do. The “ I love you so much, I don’t deserve you, you should just leave me”. To “ if anyone told me they did this for their wife I’d think they were crazy”. I think everyone married to a sex addict has heard the exact same lines over and over. Once they are in recovery, even what they say starts to change. Our entire marriage my husband has said he doesn’t deserve me, I should just leave, he doesn’t want to hurt me, he loves me, blah, blah, blah. Three years working recovery, and he finally feels like he deserves me. Why? Because he’s a better person. He’s clean. He told me during a fight “ I will not let you drive me away, I’m finally a good husband and I’m working at being better. I know I don’t deserve the chance to make it up to, but I am grateful for every second you stay married to me. I’m a good husband and I couldn’t say that in the past”. He’s right too. He’s a great husband now. If he slips or relapses he goes immediately back to defensive, or resentful or woe is me type thinking. So, what is your husband doing to make you feel safe? Not what he says. My husband goes to counseling and saa groups, he doesn’t always feel like it but he knows it helps and it helps me feel safe. He has not missed a meeting in 3 years. He goes 3x a week. Why does this make me feel safer? Because it’s commitment and discipline to his recovery. He goes to ongoing counseling, this encourages him to face his trauma and deal with it, and we talk in depth about what they talked about. This makes me feel safer because I see he is working through really difficult feelings. Addicts avoid feelings and numb out. He goes golfing with family and friends, this makes me feel safer because he is finally starting to connect. What can your husband do to make you feel safe? If it’s get rid of the internet, then do that, your marriage is worth more than internet access. I feel completely safe and my husband can easily get to porn on any device. I feel safe because of what he’s doing for recovery work, the behavioral changes in just about everything, and because I trust myself now. What massive changes in your life have accompanied your husband getting clean? What massive changes have you seen in your husband? Those are the things that will help you, nothing he says will help, because once they lie to us, our brain and body try to protect us. It’s everything he does that will make the difference.

 

[Just me]

There are a couple red flags that your husband is flashing. Never, ever listen to words. My husband doesn’t want to hurt me. He knows he’s the one who has caused almost every single problem in our marriage. Every addict says the same things. They all say how much they want to stop, how much they hate it, how they never want to hurt us, etc…. It’s what they do that you need to watch. It’s disturbing that he stopped counseling about his childhood sexual abuse. Even if it means a different counselor, that is one of the traumas that he needs to uncover and deal with. It gets messy, it’s uncomfortable and it’s one of the reasons he’s an addict. Just because he’s screaming and crying afterword doesn’t mean the counselor/counseling was wrong or not working. In fact, most likely the opposite. I have a friend who was raped repeatedly as a child and she couldn’t/wouldn’t continue counseling for the exact same reason, she hated talking about it, it was too painful. What that actually means is she hasn’t processed the pain and until she does she will continue living with that trauma. Him talking about resenting you for the monitoring, but then saying he knows he’s to blame, that’s a form of manipulation and addicts are pro’s at it. It’s a quasi form of taking responsibility but not really. It’s the push and pull that addicts do. The “ I love you so much, I don’t deserve you, you should just leave me”. To “ if anyone told me they did this for their wife I’d think they were crazy”. I think everyone married to a sex addict has heard the exact same lines over and over. Once they are in recovery, even what they say starts to change. Our entire marriage my husband has said he doesn’t deserve me, I should just leave, he doesn’t want to hurt me, he loves me, blah, blah, blah. Three years working recovery, and he finally feels like he deserves me. Why? Because he’s a better person. He’s clean. He told me during a fight “ I will not let you drive me away, I’m finally a good husband and I’m working at being better. I know I don’t deserve the chance to make it up to, but I am grateful for every second you stay married to me. I’m a good husband and I couldn’t say that in the past”. He’s right too. He’s a great husband now. If he slips or relapses he goes immediately back to defensive, or resentful or woe is me type thinking. So, what is your husband doing to make you feel safe? Not what he says. My husband goes to counseling and saa groups, he doesn’t always feel like it but he knows it helps and it helps me feel safe. He has not missed a meeting in 3 years. He goes 3x a week. Why does this make me feel safer? Because it’s commitment and discipline to his recovery. He goes to ongoing counseling, this encourages him to face his trauma and deal with it, and we talk in depth about what they talked about. This makes me feel safer because I see he is working through really difficult feelings. Addicts avoid feelings and numb out. He goes golfing with family and friends, this makes me feel safer because he is finally starting to connect. What can your husband do to make you feel safe? If it’s get rid of the internet, then do that, your marriage is worth more than internet access. I feel completely safe and my husband can easily get to porn on any device. I feel safe because of what he’s doing for recovery work, the behavioral changes in just about everything, and because I trust myself now. What massive changes in your life have accompanied your husband getting clean? What massive changes have you seen in your husband? Those are the things that will help you, nothing he says will help, because once they lie to us, our brain and body try to protect us. It’s everything he does that will make the difference.

What would he think if he heard that his friend hadn't been completely faithful to his wife, and his friend had lied and deceived her numerous times after promising not to do that anymore? It might not seem too crazy then. He created the situation that made accountability necessary, and he's the one who has to recreate the situation where it's no longer needed by consistently showing that he's trustworthy and that he's learned new, healthier ways to deal with stress and emotions.


I think this is a great idea and a good start. Hopefully his friend might be able to encourage him to take some other steps towards real lasting recovery, too. I'm sorry for the things that happened to him during childhood. That's a lot to work through. But, I think that, as uncomfortable as it may be at times, it's something he truly needs to work through. I'm sure it plays a major role in his addiction because he uses P as a coping mechanism. He doesn't know how to deal with all the trauma in a healthy way so he uses P to escape and numb out.

I also think this may have to do with the resentment. It's more of a resentment of the situation and all the pent up trauma and unresolved pain that he's holding inside, and because you would see the reports (if you were reading them), he can't fall back on his usual way of coping with it all. Therefore, it seems the resentment falls on you.


Unfortunately, this is might be the case. But, this could also be a pivotal moment for him if he really wants it to be. Of course, he can take the 'addict' route and do nothing to be better prepared for when the software is gone and he has nothing to hold him accountable. Then, whatever happens seems almost inevitable...or even expected and its so much easier to rationalize. Or, he can be proactive because he knows very well that he's not at a place where things will go anywhere but south as soon as the opportunity arises. He could decide that it's better to keep the software and do whatever is necessary to make it so that he still doesn't have the password. It is possible to figure out a way to maintain accountability. I understand it's a huge pain in the butt to constantly be 'arranging' things to eliminate all loopholes. We were just going through all of it tonight because of new devices. But, like I told my husband, going through the hassle of setting everything up is no where near as bad as what we go through when there's a relapse. Not even close. But, it on him to decide whether he wants to work on recovery or work on a relapse because, honestly, it's one or the other.


I think most of them think this when they relapse, but it's because of the way they hate themselves. They don't feel like they're even lovable at that point, and when they see how much pain we are feeling because of it, it only reinforces it. I, too, become very quiet and have difficulty functioning normally. I feel like the pain has completely swallowed me, trapping me in it, and I have a hard time thinking about anything else.


I understand this so well. It's not only about keeping him safe, but it's also about keeping yourself safe as well. By doing everything possible to prevent them from relapsing, we also feel like we're doing everything possible to prevent the agonizing heartbreak we feel when it happens. It's so hard to let go of that responsibility, especially after it's happened so many times.

I can see why you wouldn't want to continue with that counselor. Are there any others in your area that you could try? I know sometimes it's hard to find one that specializes in betrayal trauma, and I think, for this particular issue, it's important to find one that does. Otherwise, it can cause even more damage.

So we talked more about this last night and he is saying that he prefers to kee the accountability software.... This whole thing is putting me through an emotional roller coaster. He said something to the effect that now that he has the option to remove the software (which he sort of already did) that it feels like it is his choice. I'm not 100% sure that I believe him that he isn't upset with me but I do think he is relieved to know I'm not actually actively reading everything he is doing and saying at all times. Too be honest it makes me feel better that he knows that now as well.
He said he has been going through all the things that he has tried to put in place for himself and nothing else has worked no matter how many safe guards he put in place. Which is true, he tried tons of things starting.... Wow 15 years ago to try to stop himself. The accountability software actually was my idea after his locked down iPhone became a fail point for him. So I don't know. For now, he put the flash drive that has the other operating system in my purse so he'd doesn't have easy access to another system to boot to for now. That was his complete doing, not mine, I didn't even think about it. I don't know that I think it will be a long term solution but I do think for the short term it works.

I don't know how I feel about keeping the software too be honest. I know at some point my kids are going to be able to access the wifi password but I'm trying to keep it a day at a time.

Also, my husband is coming off of his antidepressants right now and I wonder if that is what the resentment come to a head. He said he had been feeling badly about it for about a year, but I could definitely tell there's a difference to him the last week or so. He actually didn't tell me when he stopped for a few days.

I can't make him go to therapy. I really don't believe that it works if you don't want to be there. And I don't think he is ready to revisit his trauma right now. He is the one who just pushed through those topics even when his therapist was asking him if he was OK with it.... So he basically ruined therapy for himself. I'm not sure what we are doing but I'm guessing we will be keeping the accountability software for a while.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

So we talked more about this last night and he is saying that he prefers to kee the accountability software.... This whole thing is putting me through an emotional roller coaster. He said something to the effect that now that he has the option to remove the software (which he sort of already did) that it feels like it is his choice. I'm not 100% sure that I believe him that he isn't upset with me but I do think he is relieved to know I'm not actually actively reading everything he is doing and saying at all times. Too be honest it makes me feel better that he knows that now as well.
He said he has been going through all the things that he has tried to put in place for himself and nothing else has worked no matter how many safe guards he put in place. Which is true, he tried tons of things starting.... Wow 15 years ago to try to stop himself. The accountability software actually was my idea after his locked down iPhone became a fail point for him. So I don't know. For now, he put the flash drive that has the other operating system in my purse so he'd doesn't have easy access to another system to boot to for now. That was his complete doing, not mine, I didn't even think about it. I don't know that I think it will be a long term solution but I do think for the short term it works.

I don't know how I feel about keeping the software too be honest. I know at some point my kids are going to be able to access the wifi password but I'm trying to keep it a day at a time.

Also, my husband is coming off of his antidepressants right now and I wonder if that is what the resentment come to a head. He said he had been feeling badly about it for about a year, but I could definitely tell there's a difference to him the last week or so. He actually didn't tell me when he stopped for a few days.

I can't make him go to therapy. I really don't believe that it works if you don't want to be there. And I don't think he is ready to revisit his trauma right now. He is the one who just pushed through those topics even when his therapist was asking him if he was OK with it.... So he basically ruined therapy for himself. I'm not sure what we are doing but I'm guessing we will be keeping the accountability software for a while.

You’re absolutely right, you can’t make him go to therapy. I think therapy can still work even if they don’t want it. My husband for sure didn’t want it. I’d say it took about 6 months to a year before he started going because he wanted healing. He still every once in a while says he dreads going, lol. It’s not pleasant to relive things you have tried your whole life to forget. Why is your husband coming off antidepressants? Is this something you both agreed upon? It sounds like he has a lot of work to still do. This may be why your feeling off, or anxious. We usually know more than they do about where they are in terms of sobriety and recovery. It’s our body trying to protect us from them. Our brain has cataloged when they are lying, or omitting or slipping back. We try and brush it off as “ our trust issues” or “ old trauma”. What I have found to be more accurate is when I feel uneasy he is slipping back to old addictive patterns. This may be what is happening for you.

 

[Just me]

There are a couple red flags that your husband is flashing. Never, ever listen to words. My husband doesn’t want to hurt me. He knows he’s the one who has caused almost every single problem in our marriage. Every addict says the same things. They all say how much they want to stop, how much they hate it, how they never want to hurt us, etc…. It’s what they do that you need to watch. It’s disturbing that he stopped counseling about his childhood sexual abuse. Even if it means a different counselor, that is one of the traumas that he needs to uncover and deal with. It gets messy, it’s uncomfortable and it’s one of the reasons he’s an addict. Just because he’s screaming and crying afterword doesn’t mean the counselor/counseling was wrong or not working. In fact, most likely the opposite. I have a friend who was raped repeatedly as a child and she couldn’t/wouldn’t continue counseling for the exact same reason, she hated talking about it, it was too painful. What that actually means is she hasn’t processed the pain and until she does she will continue living with that trauma. Him talking about resenting you for the monitoring, but then saying he knows he’s to blame, that’s a form of manipulation and addicts are pro’s at it. It’s a quasi form of taking responsibility but not really. It’s the push and pull that addicts do. The “ I love you so much, I don’t deserve you, you should just leave me”. To “ if anyone told me they did this for their wife I’d think they were crazy”. I think everyone married to a sex addict has heard the exact same lines over and over. Once they are in recovery, even what they say starts to change. Our entire marriage my husband has said he doesn’t deserve me, I should just leave, he doesn’t want to hurt me, he loves me, blah, blah, blah. Three years working recovery, and he finally feels like he deserves me. Why? Because he’s a better person. He’s clean. He told me during a fight “ I will not let you drive me away, I’m finally a good husband and I’m working at being better. I know I don’t deserve the chance to make it up to, but I am grateful for every second you stay married to me. I’m a good husband and I couldn’t say that in the past”. He’s right too. He’s a great husband now. If he slips or relapses he goes immediately back to defensive, or resentful or woe is me type thinking. So, what is your husband doing to make you feel safe? Not what he says. My husband goes to counseling and saa groups, he doesn’t always feel like it but he knows it helps and it helps me feel safe. He has not missed a meeting in 3 years. He goes 3x a week. Why does this make me feel safer? Because it’s commitment and discipline to his recovery. He goes to ongoing counseling, this encourages him to face his trauma and deal with it, and we talk in depth about what they talked about. This makes me feel safer because I see he is working through really difficult feelings. Addicts avoid feelings and numb out. He goes golfing with family and friends, this makes me feel safer because he is finally starting to connect. What can your husband do to make you feel safe? If it’s get rid of the internet, then do that, your marriage is worth more than internet access. I feel completely safe and my husband can easily get to porn on any device. I feel safe because of what he’s doing for recovery work, the behavioral changes in just about everything, and because I trust myself now. What massive changes in your life have accompanied your husband getting clean? What massive changes have you seen in your husband? Those are the things that will help you, nothing he says will help, because once they lie to us, our brain and body try to protect us. It’s everything he does that will make the difference.

Well, he told me last night he'd prefer to keep the accountability software when I asked him if he was coming up with a plan for when it is gone. He said something like now that it's his choice to keep the software he is already feeling less resentful. I'm not sure how I feel about that or what is going on. I was saying he could still be making a plan for if and when we ever do get rid of the accountability software and he said having a friend to talk to is a good resource but not really a plan. He talked about all the measures he took starting like 15 years ago to try to stop himself and how he failed again and again and how this has been the only thing that's been successful. He said me leaving (which wasn't even brought up during his last relapse like 5 or so years ago) is his greatest fear. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. I'm thinking that he might be feeling better knowing I'm not actually watching his every step, I just have the ability to if I wanted to. I kind of feel better now that he knows that as well. I'm guessing we are keeping the software for now but it really does get exhausting. He is apparently also withdrawaling from antidepressants right now so maybe that's why this all came out? I'm not sure really.

As far as the counseling goes, i think he ruined it for himself by always trying to power through when his therapist asked him if he was OK with it. I do not believe that therapy is effective unless the person wants to be there so I don't think I should push this issue.

For now, he decided to put the drive with the other operating system in my purse so he is never alone with it... I don't know that this is a long term solution but we shall see. My emotions are all over the place with this.

 

[Just me]

You’re absolutely right, you can’t make him go to therapy. I think therapy can still work even if they don’t want it. My husband for sure didn’t want it. I’d say it took about 6 months to a year before he started going because he wanted healing. He still every once in a while says he dreads going, lol. It’s not pleasant to relive things you have tried your whole life to forget. Why is your husband coming off antidepressants? Is this something you both agreed upon? It sounds like he has a lot of work to still do. This may be why your feeling off, or anxious. We usually know more than they do about where they are in terms of sobriety and recovery. It’s our body trying to protect us from them. Our brain has cataloged when they are lying, or omitting or slipping back. We try and brush it off as “ our trust issues” or “ old trauma”. What I have found to be more accurate is when I feel uneasy he is slipping back to old addictive patterns. This may be what is happening for you.

No, we didn't talk about him going off of antidepressants. He didn't even really plan on it, he is on an extremely low dose (half the smallest pill so smaller than the smallest typical dose) and had forgotten for a few days in a row. I guess the withdrawals are really scaring him because he is getting brain zaps for half the day and feeling kind of manic. So that's why he wants to avoid them now, which I kind of understand.

I only brought that up because I'm wondering if that's why the frustration became so apparent where he had to say something? I'm sure it's always kind of annoying.

I kind of disagree with you about therapy. My parents forced me to go to therapy as a teenager so I never really had any benefit because I was so resistant to it. I did feel a benefit when I chose to go on my own, but for me, most of my issues stem from something physiologically. This stuff didn't help but I had issues way before meeting my husband and I had basically the most idealistic childhood you can imagine other than having a sister with a serious genetic disease.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

No, we didn't talk about him going off of antidepressants. He didn't even really plan on it, he is on an extremely low dose (half the smallest pill so smaller than the smallest typical dose) and had forgotten for a few days in a row. I guess the withdrawals are really scaring him because he is getting brain zaps for half the day and feeling kind of manic. So that's why he wants to avoid them now, which I kind of understand.

I only brought that up because I'm wondering if that's why the frustration became so apparent where he had to say something? I'm sure it's always kind of annoying.

I kind of disagree with you about therapy. My parents forced me to go to therapy as a teenager so I never really had any benefit because I was so resistant to it. I did feel a benefit when I chose to go on my own, but for me, most of my issues stem from something physiologically. This stuff didn't help but I had issues way before meeting my husband and I had basically the most idealistic childhood you can imagine other than having a sister with a serious genetic disease.

I mean you can’t force anyone for therapy, and have it work. My husband didn’t want therapy but I basically said I would leave then. So, it was his choice, he could’ve chosen not to. As a child you didn’t have a choice. I think that’s the difference. Now I’m sure my husband “ felt” like he didn’t have a choice, but he did, he could choose not to go and then I choose to leave.
That’s weird he would have such withdrawals on such a small dosage? I guess it depends on the person and the meds! I think way more people are medicated than need be and if his dosage was so small maybe it wasn’t really making a difference? Ironically I’m not against meds, some people legitimately need them. Really, only you and he can figure out how to navigate his addiction. What makes you feel safe and what helps him get into recovery.

 

[Do all to the glory of God]

This is a little concerning IMO. Generally, over time, PA's in recovery become less resentful about being monitored and more understanding of the reason why it has to happen. If they have nothing to hide and they want their SO to trust them again, it shouldn't be a huge problem.

It would be a totally passive man who would not, over time, become resentful in this situation. The man certainly knows that the situation is of his own making. He surely knows that he cannot blame his wife for it. However, a man's need for respect in a relationship--which is as strong as a woman's need for love and understanding--will be behind the growing resentment, because if it is his own wife who is constantly suspicious of him, he will not feel respected.

Of course it's all his fault. He likely is quite aware of the fact. But one cannot stop human nature from being what it is--and men need respect.

The only solution I see to a situation like this is to have someone other than his wife being the suspicious one who monitors his activities. And it looks like, from the OP, she recognizes this truth, even though she has yet to articulate it clearly.

 

[Just me]

I mean you can’t force anyone for therapy, and have it work. My husband didn’t want therapy but I basically said I would leave then. So, it was his choice, he could’ve chosen not to. As a child you didn’t have a choice. I think that’s the difference. Now I’m sure my husband “ felt” like he didn’t have a choice, but he did, he could choose not to go and then I choose to leave.
That’s weird he would have such withdrawals on such a small dosage? I guess it depends on the person and the meds! I think way more people are medicated than need be and if his dosage was so small maybe it wasn’t really making a difference? Ironically I’m not against meds, some people legitimately need them. Really, only you and he can figure out how to navigate his addiction. What makes you feel safe and what helps him get into recovery.

Well, I am definitely not against meds since I am on them myself LOL. But he said he comes from a very addictive family (his father and all 3 brothers a drug addicts, one who has stopped using successfully for several years. That's why he has never tried any drug) so he is thinking that's why. Well while we are navigating all this my emotions just haven't been good which is just annoying because nothing has happened yet!

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Well, I am definitely not against meds since I am on them myself LOL. But he said he comes from a very addictive family (his father and all 3 brothers a drug addicts, one who has stopped using successfully for several years. That's why he has never tried any drug) so he is thinking that's why. Well while we are navigating all this my emotions just haven't been good which is just annoying because nothing has happened yet!

It’s amazing to me how people are usually black or white. My husband needs anti depressants. However we chose biofeedback instead of meds for his adhd. He did try weaning off the anti depressants at one point, he had been in counseling for 3 years, he felt great, lol. One week and really dark thoughts a depressive episodes started coming back. Our daughter inherited his brain chemistry but our son is exactly like me. We are over here loving life looking at them like “ what in the world is do awful in your life?” It’s just not so black and white with medications. People would never tell someone with a heart condition to just stop taking their meds. But brain chemistry is something we are just starting to learn about and so misunderstood

 

[Just me]

It would be a totally passive man who would not, over time, become resentful in this situation. The man certainly knows that the situation is of his own making. He surely knows that he cannot blame his wife for it. However, a man's need for respect in a relationship--which is as strong as a woman's need for love and understanding--will be behind the growing resentment, because if it is his own wife who is constantly suspicious of him, he will not feel respected.

Of course it's all his fault. He likely is quite aware of the fact. But one cannot stop human nature from being what it is--and men need respect.

The only solution I see to a situation like this is to have someone other than his wife being the suspicious one who monitors his activities. And it looks like, from the OP, she recognizes this truth, even though she has yet to articulate it clearly.

Thank you for your insight. Unlike some of the other responders I did not think this was my husband's inner addict talking. At the beginning of installing the software, I actually suggested him having a different accountability partner, and then again once he developed this deep friendship with whom he basically tells everything. He declined both times. At this point, he knows about too many loopholes that a less invested person wouldn't know about, rendering the software useless. Not to mention sharing our banking information with someone else. I'm not sure. I was the one who asked if he was ready to get rid of it, and he said he didn't think it was a good idea. I kind of pushed the issue and told him we had (at the time) 9 days to decide until our annual subscription was due. He said we'll until then, I'm putting this USB drive in your purse (which has the other operating system on it). That morning he sent me a text saying that he valued me more than privacy and autonomy which I replied I knew and that I've always known that but now might be the time to reconsider. That evening when we talked about it again I asked what kind of plan he was going to have for himself and he said that while having a friend to talk to was a good resource, but not really a plan. Then I suggested going to therapy again, along with support groups like this one. He then started talking about all of the systems he had set up for himself and how he failed time and time again (this was going back about 15 years now) and how he can't think of anything else that would work and that it would just basically be waiting for him to fail again. He said that maybe he just needed to talk about his feelings and that knowing it's his choice to keep the accountability software was already making him feel less resentful. I'm hoping that him knowing I do not actually read his activity history, I just have access to it is enough of a detergent without making him feel like I'm watching his every move. Of course this has been the case for over a year, he just didn't know it. He told me a long time ago that he wanted to believe that I was reading his reports so I never told him when I gradually cut back in reading them until completely stopping (it was overwhelming for me, and personally I am not that nosey of a person naturally). I'm not sure how you would feel in this situation, but your thoughts would be appreciated. I'm thinking it's sort of like how we can see each other's locations in our phones but almost never use it... Etc btw that part was at his insistence because I frequently go on long runs and he just wants to check when I've been gone a few hours thst my location has changed so he doesn't have to worry. I get that this is a lot more invasive but he didn't know I wasn't actively checking up on him when this all came up.

 

[Just me]

It’s amazing to me how people are usually black or white. My husband needs anti depressants. However we chose biofeedback instead of meds for his adhd. He did try weaning off the anti depressants at one point, he had been in counseling for 3 years, he felt great, lol. One week and really dark thoughts a depressive episodes started coming back. Our daughter inherited his brain chemistry but our son is exactly like me. We are over here loving life looking at them like “ what in the world is do awful in your life?” It’s just not so black and white with medications. People would never tell someone with a heart condition to just stop taking their meds. But brain chemistry is something we are just starting to learn about and so misunderstood

Yeah, that's basically me. I know so many people that have endured so much trauma and instability who seem so much better put together than me. While of course, everyone has their stuff, I'm fully aware my "stuff" is far less serious, but affects me to an extreme degree. It's totally like having a heart condition, and I know a number of my family members who also need to be medicated.