I need support

Hey guys, it's been a long time since I've been on here, and thankfully I'm not back due to a relapse or anything like that. Quick background, my husband is a PA and has been battling his addiction in a mostly successful way since 2011. After that we had no home internet and he had no smart phone. In about 2014 he got a smartphone but he relapsed in either 2015 or 2016. Since then we have been using an accountability software (no filters) and he has had no relapses that I am aware of and we got home internet and a desktop computer in early 2020 (just before the pandemic, which ended up being pretty good timing). Every device has been locked down and my husband doesn't know the wifi password, and everything is monitored. However, about a year ago I stopped reading the reports completely. It's honestly no fun policing my husband. He had said something to the effect of as long as he thinks im reading them, that's all that matters. Well as he is making modifications to the computer (upgrading parts) of course we run into issues with some things and he mentioned that he is becoming resentful about everything he does being monitored. And being worried always about what I would think about stuff. I could tell he was really bothered. So I told him, you know I haven't read the reports in like a year. And then I asked him if he was ready to try without accountability software. He was very unsure and basically said he didn't know. I said if it's making him resent me we should try and re-evaluate. He's been to therapy for this issue a few times (each time in an ongoing fashion, not just a few sessions) but isn't currently. However, his closest friend also will not watch porn and my husband has been open with him about it. I said he should check in with his friend and see if he would be ok with him calling him when he is feeling weak or tempted. Basically, I don't want him resenting me and I don't really like it either.

However, when he does relapse I feel that I have a very extreme reaction to it. Not in terms of anything I say or do, but my whole self image tanks and I feel like our relationship is a lie. I should mention that I have OCD and too be honest, this is the issue that I obsess over the most. When I'm not medicated it probably takes up a out 50% of my waking thoughts. Now that I am medicated again... It was probably like 10%. Any time we would get a new device I feel completely panicked and just... I feel like it's hard to overstate what it does to me when he relapses. When he had a relapse I had a hard time thinking about anything else.... Granted I wasn't medicated those times so I'm not sure what it would do to me now. I am more the one trying to say it's time to end the accountability software now because he said it's causing a growing resentment. I totally see why it would feel that way. He says he cares more about me than about privacy and autonomy which I know is true. I told him he needs to reach out to his friend and he says that's probably a good idea.

Honestly, I'm fairly certain that there will be a relapse at some point. I just feel myself already falling apart and I just can hardly function but I'm pretty sure having our current situation is also not sustainable.

 

Thank you for your reply. I don't know what he will do to make me feel safer.

I'm not sure exactly what started the resentment because he said he didn't have any to begin with. It has been a hassle since we have gotten home internet and devices and stuff like that. All the things we have to do (computers can only connect by wifi and he can't know the wifi password, because then he'd be able to boot from a different operating system and just get on the internet not on windows) and all the things I have to do to make sure he doesn't see the wifi password.... Then he got an Alexa which has to be on my Amazon account because there is a "skill" to say your wifi password, he got a Kindle and that has to have the browser disabled and on and on. Everytime anything new comes in the house it makes me have a real bad time.... He also did say if any of his friends said that their wives were keep tabs on everything they said or did or read on every device he'd think that relationship was crazy. Which it is sort of crazy. I kind of hate it. Last night the last straw was that when he synced his Microsoft edge account, it had somehow saved the wifi password which basically rendered every wall we have put up useless.

 

Thank you for your response. I'm not 100% sure what caused the resentment to start but we've gone to ridiculous lengths to keep the wifi password from him, which is now going to be virtually impossible. And I think it was just a bunch of little things that we had to do, Alexa has to be in my name so she won't tell the wifi password, kindle have to be locked down, and I think the biggest thing he said was he'd thing it was some crazy stuff if he heard one of his friend's wives read everything he said, read or did on any device. Up until 2 days ago he was under the impression that I was reading everything (he had previously told me that he needed to believe I was reading the reports so I just didn't tell him when I started reading every other report, and then when I stopped) I am really encouraging him to get his good friend who hasn't watched porn since he started dating his now wife to be an accountability partner. He has similar values, is non judgemental, and I'd really rather him talk to someone else about this other than me. I don't think he can be fully honest with me with what's going on if he is feeling tempted. He stopped counseling when the counselor repeatedly pushed him on his sexual abuse as a child. He would be screaming alone in the car after sessions so I understand why he doesn't want to go back. (this particular session actually didn't have to do with his PA but it was the same counselor)

I'm actually taking his hesitancy to remove the accountability software as a sign that he knows this isn't something to be super confident and self assured about. I wish their was more of a halfway point.... But I also feel like once the wifi password is available to him it just doesn't matter anymore.

I do think he is empathetic. I think he has had so much more trauma in his life that this pales in comparison to what he's gone through but I know he doesn't want to hurt me again. He thinks I hate him when he relapses, which isn't the truth. I just become much more quiet and struggle to function. Which is already happening even just knowing we are going to be taking off our guard rails. He does say things like he knows he doesn't deserve to be trusted or that this is all his fault so I don't think he is a solving himself of responsiblity.

Part of the problem for me is that I now feel responsible for keeping him safe. Which is awful. I KNOW I can't stop him but it feels like I can.

Thank you for your empathy. I was seeing a counselor regularly up through June, and this was a topic we talked about frequently. At the time there was no indication that we'd be removing accountability software any time soon. The main reason I stopped seeing her was because she was super flaky and had to reschedule me atleast 25% of the time which is alot when you are seeing her every week. It made me feel very unimportant and so I stopped.

 

Hahaha. I get your point though..... He did say something like for any other reason... And that he didn't deserve to be trusted. I mean I get it, but at the same time it is exhausting to me. Like I don't want our families to visit because I don't want to tell them our wifi password for fear that he will hear or somehow get it from them. and on top of that now that there is such an obvious loop hole that I don't even see the point of an accountability software. Now that wifi passwords apparently sync to his browser, he would just need to boot another operating system and the wifi password would be saved.... So like there is no point anymore? We have 8 more days on our annual subscription so we are making our final decision between then and now but I can't even see the point of trying.

I wish I could detach myself from him and his choices.

 

So we talked more about this last night and he is saying that he prefers to kee the accountability software.... This whole thing is putting me through an emotional roller coaster. He said something to the effect that now that he has the option to remove the software (which he sort of already did) that it feels like it is his choice. I'm not 100% sure that I believe him that he isn't upset with me but I do think he is relieved to know I'm not actually actively reading everything he is doing and saying at all times. Too be honest it makes me feel better that he knows that now as well.
He said he has been going through all the things that he has tried to put in place for himself and nothing else has worked no matter how many safe guards he put in place. Which is true, he tried tons of things starting.... Wow 15 years ago to try to stop himself. The accountability software actually was my idea after his locked down iPhone became a fail point for him. So I don't know. For now, he put the flash drive that has the other operating system in my purse so he'd doesn't have easy access to another system to boot to for now. That was his complete doing, not mine, I didn't even think about it. I don't know that I think it will be a long term solution but I do think for the short term it works.

I don't know how I feel about keeping the software too be honest. I know at some point my kids are going to be able to access the wifi password but I'm trying to keep it a day at a time.

Also, my husband is coming off of his antidepressants right now and I wonder if that is what the resentment come to a head. He said he had been feeling badly about it for about a year, but I could definitely tell there's a difference to him the last week or so. He actually didn't tell me when he stopped for a few days.

I can't make him go to therapy. I really don't believe that it works if you don't want to be there. And I don't think he is ready to revisit his trauma right now. He is the one who just pushed through those topics even when his therapist was asking him if he was OK with it.... So he basically ruined therapy for himself. I'm not sure what we are doing but I'm guessing we will be keeping the accountability software for a while.

 

Well, he told me last night he'd prefer to keep the accountability software when I asked him if he was coming up with a plan for when it is gone. He said something like now that it's his choice to keep the software he is already feeling less resentful. I'm not sure how I feel about that or what is going on. I was saying he could still be making a plan for if and when we ever do get rid of the accountability software and he said having a friend to talk to is a good resource but not really a plan. He talked about all the measures he took starting like 15 years ago to try to stop himself and how he failed again and again and how this has been the only thing that's been successful. He said me leaving (which wasn't even brought up during his last relapse like 5 or so years ago) is his greatest fear. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. I'm thinking that he might be feeling better knowing I'm not actually watching his every step, I just have the ability to if I wanted to. I kind of feel better now that he knows that as well. I'm guessing we are keeping the software for now but it really does get exhausting. He is apparently also withdrawaling from antidepressants right now so maybe that's why this all came out? I'm not sure really.

As far as the counseling goes, i think he ruined it for himself by always trying to power through when his therapist asked him if he was OK with it. I do not believe that therapy is effective unless the person wants to be there so I don't think I should push this issue.

For now, he decided to put the drive with the other operating system in my purse so he is never alone with it... I don't know that this is a long term solution but we shall see. My emotions are all over the place with this.

 

No, we didn't talk about him going off of antidepressants. He didn't even really plan on it, he is on an extremely low dose (half the smallest pill so smaller than the smallest typical dose) and had forgotten for a few days in a row. I guess the withdrawals are really scaring him because he is getting brain zaps for half the day and feeling kind of manic. So that's why he wants to avoid them now, which I kind of understand.

I only brought that up because I'm wondering if that's why the frustration became so apparent where he had to say something? I'm sure it's always kind of annoying.

I kind of disagree with you about therapy. My parents forced me to go to therapy as a teenager so I never really had any benefit because I was so resistant to it. I did feel a benefit when I chose to go on my own, but for me, most of my issues stem from something physiologically. This stuff didn't help but I had issues way before meeting my husband and I had basically the most idealistic childhood you can imagine other than having a sister with a serious genetic disease.

 

Well, I am definitely not against meds since I am on them myself LOL. But he said he comes from a very addictive family (his father and all 3 brothers a drug addicts, one who has stopped using successfully for several years. That's why he has never tried any drug) so he is thinking that's why. Well while we are navigating all this my emotions just haven't been good which is just annoying because nothing has happened yet!

 

Thank you for your insight. Unlike some of the other responders I did not think this was my husband's inner addict talking. At the beginning of installing the software, I actually suggested him having a different accountability partner, and then again once he developed this deep friendship with whom he basically tells everything. He declined both times. At this point, he knows about too many loopholes that a less invested person wouldn't know about, rendering the software useless. Not to mention sharing our banking information with someone else. I'm not sure. I was the one who asked if he was ready to get rid of it, and he said he didn't think it was a good idea. I kind of pushed the issue and told him we had (at the time) 9 days to decide until our annual subscription was due. He said we'll until then, I'm putting this USB drive in your purse (which has the other operating system on it). That morning he sent me a text saying that he valued me more than privacy and autonomy which I replied I knew and that I've always known that but now might be the time to reconsider. That evening when we talked about it again I asked what kind of plan he was going to have for himself and he said that while having a friend to talk to was a good resource, but not really a plan. Then I suggested going to therapy again, along with support groups like this one. He then started talking about all of the systems he had set up for himself and how he failed time and time again (this was going back about 15 years now) and how he can't think of anything else that would work and that it would just basically be waiting for him to fail again. He said that maybe he just needed to talk about his feelings and that knowing it's his choice to keep the accountability software was already making him feel less resentful. I'm hoping that him knowing I do not actually read his activity history, I just have access to it is enough of a detergent without making him feel like I'm watching his every move. Of course this has been the case for over a year, he just didn't know it. He told me a long time ago that he wanted to believe that I was reading his reports so I never told him when I gradually cut back in reading them until completely stopping (it was overwhelming for me, and personally I am not that nosey of a person naturally). I'm not sure how you would feel in this situation, but your thoughts would be appreciated. I'm thinking it's sort of like how we can see each other's locations in our phones but almost never use it... Etc btw that part was at his insistence because I frequently go on long runs and he just wants to check when I've been gone a few hours thst my location has changed so he doesn't have to worry. I get that this is a lot more invasive but he didn't know I wasn't actively checking up on him when this all came up.

 

Yeah, that's basically me. I know so many people that have endured so much trauma and instability who seem so much better put together than me. While of course, everyone has their stuff, I'm fully aware my "stuff" is far less serious, but affects me to an extreme degree. It's totally like having a heart condition, and I know a number of my family members who also need to be medicated.