I need to be honest about my history and problems

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by DetroitRok, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    I grew up in a very strict Christian home. It started with R rated movies as a kid at my cousins house. I’d fast forward to see boobs. I accidentally masturbated and came at probably age 11. I had no idea what it was but it felt good.

    I found scrambled playboy tv at home and started watching that at age 12. I watched music videos on mtv and masturbated. We also got a PC at home and I quickly found ways to look at porn/nudity, especially celeb porn of my tv crushes. I got a bit older and found a way to secretly rent movies and rented everything I could with nudity in it. I probably masturbated 4-7 times a day through my teens. As much as 12 times in a day a few times.

    I got a girlfriend in high school (also from a strict family) but I pressured her to go farther and farther with me into physical intimacy. I would lay on her, grab her butt, and sometimes grope and grind on her. I put her hands on my penis. I felt her breast. I stimulated her over her clothes. We never orgasmed or had any actual sex. I constantly pressured and grabbed and touched and was probably abusive in this way. I just never left her alone.

    In 11th grade while she was away for the summer, a girl came over and came on to me. I did everything with her at the drop of a hat. And more. She gave me oral sex. That was my first real sex experience and I didn’t care about her at all.

    I continued to masturbate and watch any porn I could get. I went to a strict Christian college. Still masturbated daily at least. Still pressured my gf all the time. During a summer internship I visited a strip club.

    Got married. Wife caught me lying about porn within 6 months.

    Strip clubs became an occasional part of my life. I went to seminary but still visited clubs. I received hand jobs and blow jobs there. I turned down coitus many times, thinking that I was sort of being faithful to my wife.

    Got ordained and became a preacher. Still visiting clubs occasionally and PMOing all the time. Found Asian massage places as an alternative to clubs. Got some hand jobs there.

    Now I’m more serious than ever about getting help. I’ve never been as honest as I just was in this note. I’m scared to post it even tho it’s “anonymous.”

    I may post more in replies, but that’s all for now. Thanks for reading. Please pray for me. I’m actually a Christian although I don’t act like it sometimes. I want to be different. I have a wife and kids and a church that I don’t want to destroy.
     
    1dayattatime, Tao Jones and RobbyGo36 like this.
  2. I identify With you. I read your story and see pieces that could easily have been swiped for mine.

    Kudos to you for realiZing the first step starts with the truth.

    I am a fellow sinner, trying to stop the double lifestyle. I did not go to seminary,was ordained as an elder. I have a lot of influence in our local churches. The other day I used the word “threesome” when I was splitting up the players into study groups and everyone laughed. I didn’t even notice my choice of words.

    I started a journal like you, and i am healing but not all at once.

    When you are ready , I’d like to hear more. An accountability partner would be the next step. Not because they criticize your plans , but because you can share without being judged.

    He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete in you.
     
    RobbyGo36, soular and DetroitRok like this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    403
    521
    93
    Prayers for healing are being sent your way. Thank you for sharing. It’s was brave and honest.
     
    DetroitRok and Butterfly1988 like this.
  4. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    222
    264
    63
    We are all sinners in someway and this is the cross you have to bear. I pray that God will give you the strength and wisdom to set your life right and be the person you were meant to be.

    I know you can be and you will be. Nothing worth doing is easy.
     
    Live and Grow7 and DetroitRok like this.
  5. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    Thanks for the reply. I’ll look up your journal. I’m up for sharing more too. I could use an ally in this fight. I just released after 42 days clean and I’m just feeling a lot of shame I think. Thanks again for the encouragement.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  6. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    Thanks bro!!
     
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    403
    521
    93
    No problem Bro...lol...but I’m a girl. Actually the wife of a PA.
     
  8. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    Right. I should check profiles before I reply. Thanks!
     
  9. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    Relapsed after 42 days of sobriety. I’m reading and learning and going to therapy. Still I can be triggered by the same old things.

    I’m WAY better than I used to be and I’m sure I’m going to beat this thing. But then again I have so far to go.

    I told my wife about everything just a few months ago and she’s been supportive. I really don’t want to hurt her any more.
     
    Butterfly1988 and need4realchg like this.
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    403
    521
    93
    Hello DetroitRok...try not to concern yourself with how far you have to go. You didn’t get here overnight, so it’s going to be a process of letting go and developing new coping strategies, to the point where they become your new habits.
    My husband found great support in his 12 step SA program. He said he was scared on the first meeting, but he just received his first month chip, he has guys who accept him as he is, understand him and hold him accountable. He’s enjoying his meetings. He’s also seeing a therapist to help him work through his trauma issues.
    I know you’re not asking for advise, but if you can break your journey down into one moment, one day at time it may be gentler on your spirit.
    You can do it, you’re part way there already, by telling your wife the truth and by being aware of your wife’s feelings.
    Be good to you, you deserve loving kindness..ITS NOT an easy journey. Safe journey
     
    Butterfly1988 and DetroitRok like this.
  11. Just read your post, man, I think it's very brave of you to post this! But also a huge step on your path to healing/rehabilitation. In my opinion, it's very helpful to see that we're all just human, no matter what professional path we choose. I'm sure if you're honest with your wife, you can beat this!!! Just think about your wife before you do something that could potentially hurt her, can be a really strong "emergency brake". As I understand it, you're a priest? I would be extremely happy to see someone in your position opening up and really showing himself if I was in your community. I don't think the "coming out" is going to affect you negatively, on the contrary it'll free you. Keep on going down this path, you'll do great things and receive great things by doing so!
     
  12. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    The problem is that I’m not sure what the church would do if they knew I’m an addict. I may come under investigation and discipline. My ministry may be over. Even attending a 12 step program could jeopardize my standing because of its public nature.

    I know that if I were more courageous I would risk it all for the good of my family. I can post here anonymously but anything public freaks me out. I kind of want to get a year of sobriety under my belt and then talk about my “past problems” with openness in the church. I’m sensing the self protectiveness in myself right now and I know it’s not great. I’m just afraid. I could barely tell my wife, and I didn’t give her every gory detail.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  13. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    Listened to the first 3 or 4 episodes of the “the expert, the addict, and the betrayed” podcast. So good! I think this podcast will be a companion on my journey.
     
    1dayattatime and Live and Grow7 like this.
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,731
    3,831
    143
    12 step programs like SA or SAA are anonymous - it's in the name. You can even do them over the phone or internet. They make it possible for everyone regardless of place in life. Programs like Celebrate Recovery, though faith based, are not anonymous and that is a place you would have more risk.

    Also, if your wife is anything like most of the rest of us, she will learn every gory detail one way or another. It's best to sit down with her and find out exactly what she wants to know (some spouses really DON'T want to know), and then tell her EVERYTHING in a full disclosure. Sometimes it's best to do it in a controlled environment with a therapist, other times it's best to do it with just the two of you. That is up to the both of you. For me, I wanted it alone, no therapist, no one around, no "support people." It's not my style. I don't deal well with people all over me, I deal better on my own, working through things myself. Some people need the aide of therapeutic disclosure. Either way, do not allow your past to "trickle truth" its way into your relationship. Disclose it all. Only when it is all brought to the light can you begin to move forward.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2019
  15. Another resource that many have found to be very helpful is the "Helping Her Heal" series by Dr. Doug Weiss. You can get them on his website or amazon.

    Also, please heed the advice from @EyesWideOpen about disclosure. Far too many of us have been severely damaged even further by trickle truths. It takes us back to square one every single time something new comes out, except each time we arrive back there, we are hurt more deeply, and as far as healing, we have much farther to go than the last time.
     
    DetroitRok and Butterfly1988 like this.
  16. I don’t know your faith or denomination but sadly your fear is very real.

    It’s a sad irony that we as believers do not really have a way to apply grace to the shepherd. I know in my case I am not a priest but my ministry requires me to submit to a background check. I pass it everytime and tell my board it’s the stupidest idea we have : to try to protect our kids (that’s the justification in my denomination) through a background check yet at the same time we don’t actually know our brother.

    My youth pastor was caught looking at porn in our church when I was a teenager. He was quietly, and quickly removed from ministry. It was like an professional hit squad or immigration sweep got him in the night it was so swift!

    I personally relate with kids from 6-18, and used to lead mission trips. It is amazing to work with the various youth groups in my community and I would take the criticism that was due me if I were I to go public. But I realized it’s either my salvation, sanity, and family or it’s what everyone else thinks. I feel today I don’t have much to lose. But I understand that cavalier attitude can be hamstrung if I were an aspiring leader looking for promotion within the denomination.

    You have my prayers friend. A savior came to save those who needed saving. Looks like you (and I) are not exempted from the embarrassment of Grace.

    Embarrassment only because it would be shameful to be humiliated, but it would release you to be free to share the power and the depth that grace was always intended to overcome. I think the lady at the well felt this particular kind of grace. One that frees. He who is freed by Him, is free indeed.

    Blessings friend,
     
  17. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    277
    1,137
    123
    I’m afraid. My fear controls me more than I’d like to admit. I don’t want to fully disclose. I know my wife would be supportive. I know my local church peers will be supportive, but my denomination may suspend me.

    Maybe I have nothing to lose. But I’m at the moment in my ministry where I want to advance in my ministry. (I know “advancing” in ministry is not even a Christian ideal and it’s self-serving) This would set me back several years at least in that (unholy) pursuit. I feel like all I’d have to do is bury this truth and interview well and I’d get what I want. Good job, respect and admiration, reasonably good pay: I’d be the hero of my story. (Not a Christian ideal, I know)

    I’m afraid of losing everything (career wise) that I’ve worked for all my life. Although I know that I deserve to lose it all based on my actions. I’m just paralyzed by fear.

    I know I’m getting good advice from you all about disclosing to my wife. I’m not sure I’m ready for all the pain. Pain is what I’ve been avoiding my whole life with sexual acting out. Pain is my enemy.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  18. Pain can be a tough pill to swallow at times , but it is not our enemy. I would tell you a mother can share the irony of what pain is and isn’t.

    For example, a child is conceived in a variety of circumstances , but meant for good. The birth undoubtedly brings pain that is said to be unsurpassable. But upon receiving the pink, sometimes freshly bloodied bundle, the mother converts what was pain into a different currency of appreciation, gratitude, and joy. What was once painful is now cause for jubilee.

    In the religious expressions of pain, the suffering points to a greater cause, a greater need , for humanity, and divinity.
    “For by his stripes we are healed.”

    I’m not trying to make this theological, but my fragile understanding is that we have a basis of pain that’s is very practical here too. Relationships without pain, are uncomfortably shallow in their depth of endurance. Pain brings change. Pain provides a fulcrum of improvement. Pain can do what perfection cannot.

    I would suggest pain is the “salt” of the marriage cake. Without it, it looks perfect but has a blandness to it that leaves you wanting more.

    I advise you to both face the fear, and embrace the pain. I read and feel sad for the SO, because they too have the same choice. They too have to face their fears and for them doing it alone after having planned to face everything together is very heart wrenching.

    I know it’s not easy, and honestly you have a choice. To take the painless road and kick the issue down the road allows you some time. Do what the spirit leads and you will not regret.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2019
    DetroitRok likes this.
  19. I doubt any addict really wants to fully disclose, but I think that until you do, you're still somewhat protecting the addiction. It may seem harsh to say and some may disagree, but IMO, if you aren't willing to open up and disclose the full truth to your wife, then you aren't 100% committed to healing your marriage. You may be 95% or whatever, but she deserves 100%, and you can't give her that if you're still hiding things from her.

    The longer you wait to disclose to your wife, the longer it'll be until you can both begin healing. Until you truly commit to recovery, for yourself and your marriage, you will be in pain. AND, your wife's pain will continue as well. There's no path out of addiction that's pain-free. In fact, it'll likely get worse before it gets better. But, that's the difference between staying right where you are now vs. getting on the road to recovery...either you stay where you are and the pain continues/gets worse forever (for you and your wife), or you commit to getting better knowing that it's going to hurt along the way, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Please don't think I'm trying to bring you down. That's not my intention at all. I'm just sharing my honest opinion as the SO of a long-time PA who's also struggled to understand the importance of full honesty.
     
  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,731
    3,831
    143
    A few things to think about:

    1. If your denomination/staff will suspend you, perhaps you are in the wrong denomination or church body. A church that follows the God I know would surround and envelope you with love and walk alongside you through your journey, supporting you. One of our pastors came forward with his struggle with pornography and he was supported fully, as was his family.

    2. Someone with the fear you are exhibiting is not trusting the Lord. As a pastor, you cannot lead if you do not have faith yourself. Perhaps you need to take a leave of absence while you get this figured out. As a pastor, you are the shepherd and it is pure selfishness to put your personal goals ahead of your flock. There is nothing wrong taking time away to get your mind right and your heart right with God so you can effectively lead your family and your church.

    “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world” (1 John 2:16)

    You wanting to advance your ministry before coming to recovery seems to fit the pride of life. I would suggest heavily praying on these things. A good church, a good church leadership will be right beside you to support you and your family. You can do this.
     

Share This Page