I need to confess something disgusting about myself.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, May 17, 2019.

  1. Let me preface this by saying that, due to the way this presents itself, I have never abused, nor am I at risk for abusing, another living being. But that's besides the point.

    I'm a zoophile. I have fapped to videos, pictures, audio, and 3D models of animals.

    My only defense is that, again, due to the way it presents itself, I did not know I was fapping. It is an odd, fetish sort of thing. Things about animals were making me feel a certain way, but it never truly connected for a very long time that what I was doing was masturbation. And by the time I realized it, I was addicted to this.

    I've tried to rationalize it by saying I was a furry. But no, that's not the truth. I'm a zoophile. I really don't understand furries, and I'm worried that people like myself may cause harm to people understanding furry culture. If you're a furry and think I'm a self-hater, know that a lot of what triggered me was not anthro.

    Even if I never abuse another living thing, there is no justification for this. To justify this would be to open the floodgates to eventually validating abuse, crossing that line that must never be crossed.

    Also, this problem is contributing to me self isolating, having low self esteem, and everything else associated with porn addiction.

    I feel it is also affecting my brain in ways that ordinary porn addiction does not. I'm not entirely sure how, but people with odd fetishes can explain how that affects their view of everyday life.

    Last, and most importantly, now that I am aware of it, it goes against the morals of myself, the ones close to me, and of my religion. I wish to fix this and reconnect. I will find out a way to receive a Confession and Absolution ritual in my religion in order to seek purity from this. I want to be the person that those close to me think that I am.

    As of typing this (May 17, 2019), I am on, I believe, day 28, my highest streak. Ignore whatever my counter says. I'm doing well at this. I've found things that prevent the urges from even manifesting. I'm letting out my real emotions. I'm keeping my loved ones close. I'm spending every moment not at work or asleep improving every aspect of my life. I'm going to make it this time. Come some time, I'm going to be able to look at my problem as a thing of the past, and be able to be proud of the person I will then be.
  2. Transcendent

    Transcendent Fapstronaut

    First of all, congratulations, 28 days is a great number my friend.
    I'm sure that you will leave it in the past, keep your focus, always remember why you are doing this.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your honesty. Now that you see the problem you can overcome it. Good luck! I think religion will help a lot. Just remember that you are not defined by what you did. Love yourself
  4. One of the first things I did on this site was reach out to a couple of people who had posted of problems in a similar area as mine. The ensuing conversations were sobering, insightful and highly motivational. I wonder if a similar approach might help you stay strong in your resolve?
    Guilt-based relapses have been a thing for me in the past; after really speaking to some people and getting some hard truths given to me, I feel a lot better equipped and a LOT less guilty. Definitely feels like I am less alone. Take care!
  5. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

    Beasiality was the last genre if porn I watched when I decided to quit. Too be honest I have no regrets. But ye ofcourse it is bad cuz it is illegal. I think there is a clear line between watching and doing it. It just an imagination, 1 year later I still dont have regrets. I dont think it will be fully gone in few months.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. It's actually not bestiality perse. The things that trigger me are completely nonsexual by nature. It's a fetish, not unlike people who are triggered by objects. That's why I'm not at risk for causing abuse. But, it's still disgusting and wrong morally. I'm going to fix this.

    By the way, this is the final thing I'm going to type on this website before closing my account here. I'm in the process of starting a new life.
    Transcendent likes this.
  7. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Hi mate. I am puzzled why you would delete your account. :confused: This is a welcoming and supportive community. It is the ideal resource to assist you in starting a new life. Recovery is a journey with ups and downs. It is not a moment in time, either when the decision is made or you are finally free/cured. Why leave when there are so many benefits from being here? :)
  8. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    According to the book Unwanted by Jay Stringer, the worst thing you can do is shame yourself - you can abhor the behavior - but feeling shamed will keep you from building a healthy self image and seeking out the things you need to heal (I am a disgusting person i don't deserve to be around others) that's what' keeps you trapped.. Love yourself (in a healthy way) see whatever habit you have as a signal that you need to heal something and follow that path..
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. Just remember that in the eyes of the law, that clear line between viewing and doing is still on the other side of the line of legality, and can get you in some SERIOUS trouble which could potentially affect you for the rest of your life.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. xvtc ctvx

    xvtc ctvx Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your honesty. I am sure there are others facing similar issues reading your post and will be inspired by your recovery journey.
  11. Thank you, to everyone who has offered support. This is indeed sobering and therapeutic for me to be posting this. The end goal is to overcome this, and then confess this to the people important to me once I am no longer like this. Being honest with the people I love is one of the most important parts of my own values. Unfortunately, confessing at this moment, I feel, would be detrimental to my goal.

    I am also going to seek religious help, although I am dreading explaining all of this to a pastor.

    What I am feeling isn't guilt. It's disgust. Disgust in my past self for my own ignorance. Disgust in my past self for being in denial once I suspected it. Disgust in my past self for choosing not to fix it once I had realized the truth. But I feel no shame, as someone who is no longer in denial, and as someone who is choosing to fix it, and as someone who has made huge strides and now reached a milestone!

    I have found a brand new lifestyle that is helping me improve as a person, in which NoFap is only one of the things I am fixing. Internet communication does not fit into my new lifestyle. I am quitting things which have contributed to me not being the person I need to be. Social media, video games, TV, internet, crappy food, masturbation, etc. Notice how masturbation is just one part.

    These things are all called "superstimuli" and are all addictive. They all affect our dopamine levels and make us feel disconnected in similar ways. I need to quit these things and become what nature intended us to become.

    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    I understand your rationale. If, for any reason, your current direction of travel does not resolve the parts of your life related to PMO, please return. Never hesitate for fear of ridicule or judgment because we are not like that here. Good luck Revo47.
  13. You've got a really healthy attitude towards recovery there, my friend. It always makes me happy to read the results of peoples' soul-searching, and when they come up with a comprehensive program that is a lot more than 'well, I'm just going to not watch porn and try not to masturbate...'

    It's amazing really, how what is promoted as an innocuous, even healthy, activity actually contributes to deficiencies across many areas of life- mental, physical, spiritual. Or perhaps it's a symptom of a much larger psycho-spiritual complex.
    Either way, getting rid of social media in particular is a wise move, and I'm excited to know that yet another person is on board. I'm rabidly consuming stuff on this site for the time being as I know from experience that 'living recovery' works, ie, making it your entire life until you get the picture, but other than that I'm avoiding many other sites. Over time I'll reduce my reliance on this site too; still being active but not posting 20 times a day, hahah... But yeah. Seeing the world beyond the TV, PS4 and the unnatural diet we're invariably accustomed to is a great thing.

    I went out for lunch with my parents yesterday, caved to what my stomach thought it wanted and had a burger. It was clearly loaded with salt and MSG, left me listless, tired and perturbed and caused a noticeable increase in confusion and drop in mood. It really stood out as a milestone for me- my diet and microbiome have changed so much over the last 6 or so weeks that eating something so unnatural and full of chemicals was completely incompatible with my body.

    If you haven't seen it, here's an amazing comic about supernormal stimulii:


    PS: For those playing at home, the article Revo posted above has some rather triggering pictures at the header... Where's the forum member with the chocolate eye bleach?

    EDIT: Damn, Revo's leaving. I understand your rationale but if you read this before deleting mate... Consider perhaps making this your one online source of communication? Yeah it has all the fancy bells and whistles but it'd be great to continue sharing your journey.
  14. Thanks for your kind response. That comic was entertaining, and true in many senses of the word.

    I have a similar story with food. I spent three and a half weeks eating really well - cereal, fruit, yogurt, and/or milk for breakfast, maybe a quart of milk or something light for lunch, then steak or pork with veggies for dinner. I continued like that for several weeks. Then, my parents brought home oily, salty takeout Chinese food - that kind in those takeout only shops that's more like fast food than authentic Chinese food. I ended up getting diarrhea. Then, pizza and oily Greek gyros over the weekend. It didn't exactly make me feel good. It does me good to eat with my parents, though. That's real connectedness.

    I apologize, I didn't notice that the article had triggering images in the header. My mind doesn't react to that normal stimulus the way it does for other people.

    Either way, I am quitting all of this, over the course of a couple of weeks. I have to leave my life of sitting and staring at a screen behind me in order to progress as a human. I've been watching a lot of classic Disney cartoons (Mickey Mouse and such), and I think even that is affecting my brain chemistry. I have to leave this forum, unfortunately. You've heard people telling you that just abstaining from porn and carrying on the rest of your life like normal, full of these other stimuli, doesn't work. They're right.

    If I return to my old habits in any form, I'll be using the internet to keep in touch with people I know in real life. I'll play social online games similar to how people used to play board games and cards with their families and friends. I'll be sitting around the TV watching funny and simple things with families and friends. You get the gist.

    Even media has proliferated this. Movies, games, and TV shows are way too emotionally intense. Characters cry, scream, mope, and die way too often. I'd love to see a study done on the mental states of people who have followed the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Game of Thrones, etc. their whole lives. Those emotional rollercoasters are superstimuli that affect our mental health. Unhealthy though any media may be, at least in the past, it was simple, uplifting, and encouraged people to connect.

    I need to be done with this way of life. More hiking, more fishing, more sports, more simple card and board games. More connecting with the outside world. I need to leave this past life behind.
  15. You are doing great, it takes courage to expose the darkest corner of your life.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

    I had some similar problems because of escalation and furry porn. Fetishes are sometimes terrible, but they fade or at least lose power over time. It is especially hard to deal with them, when you are lonely, I was there. I see you are also religious. You can PM me if you like. You made a big progress. It's very good that you went to confession. After I started to do this as a more regular habit it became easier to combat urges. Stay strong and God bless.

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