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I need to fix this asap

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by an_ongoing_process12345, Mar 16, 2023.

  1. Mar 16, 2023 #1
    an_ongoing_process12345

    an_ongoing_process12345 Fapstronaut

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    Because of my addiciton, I didn't care for almost 15 years where I PMO'd. Be it restrooms at home (even when my family was at home ffs), school, at friends and acquaintances, other public places and dammit my workplace as well. I realized how fucked up my behaviour was and how I always hid at restrooms and did it in secrecy. I used to tell myself, "I'm in restroom so it's my right and I could do whatever I want, like I cared before". But I realize now those were petty excuses and after carrying this burden for so long, I grew tired of it. I tried my best not to PMO at public places anymore but unfortunately I replased today at one of restrooms in my school.

    I'm asking for guidance, I already got routines how to deal with urges during free time but I don't how to combat these urges whenever I'm somewhere public like at school, work, restaurants etc.

    Can you please share some advice and what I should think about if need arises?
     
    an_ongoing_process12345, Mar 16, 2023
    an_ongoing_process12345, Mar 16, 2023
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    Jefe Rojo and Spontifex like this.
  2. Mar 17, 2023 #2
    Spontifex

    Spontifex Fapstronaut
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    Hi, great you have routines that help during free time and they seem to work. It seems though that all that is connected to possibilities in public places have an extra strong effect. Something gets triggered strongly when you see a restroom in a public place. Can you elaborate a bit further on what exactly happens in such a moment. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Do you have inner images in such a moment? What exactly are you craving in such a moment? Next time you are in such a situation, such a moment imagine you are a scientist, and you watch the part in you that is pulled to act out. But you remain the scientist that watches, observes. And then comes here and describes. - Interested in trying?
     
    Spontifex, Mar 17, 2023
    Spontifex, Mar 17, 2023
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    an_ongoing_process12345, Jefe Rojo and zamson7 like this.
  3. Mar 17, 2023 #3
    an_ongoing_process12345

    an_ongoing_process12345 Fapstronaut

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    Now that's a eye-opening take, imagining yourself as a scientist... huh, now that's something I could definitely try.

    But about my cravings with PMO at restrooms, it depends on my mood and situation. One of main reasons I do it, is because of "excitement" it brings while PMO in public. Other reasons was whenever I met someone I knew in public (colleague, classmate, etc.), afterwards I would head into one of restrooms and getting off while fantasising about doing all kinds of things with them. Sometimes I would get simply bored and visit those cursed sites.

    I'm not proud and never will be because of this behaviour, maybe I can't change my past but I want to change now and I will strive to be a better version of myself frow now on.
     
    an_ongoing_process12345, Mar 17, 2023
    an_ongoing_process12345, Mar 17, 2023
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    Jefe Rojo, Spontifex and UpgradeTime like this.
  4. Mar 18, 2023 #4
    Spontifex

    Spontifex Fapstronaut
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    Great, let me know how it works.

    These are triggers or anchors called in NLP. That's simply put:
    • thought of feeling excited in public leads to craving and results in PMO in restroom
    • meeting attractive person in public leads to fantasizing about that person and results in PMO in restroom
    • being bored and needing excitement outdoor results in PMO in restroom
    A smell, a sight, a sound, a taste, a touch, a feeling, a memory ... all that can trigger and lighten up a whole network in the brain. And that leads to the behavior we trained ourselves to. Almost automatically in a way. Unless we become aware of it.
    It seems that one part of you trained yourself to the belief that PMO in public is exciting, hot, kinky. The thought of it evokes a feeling that builds up to a craving and results in acting out. And now another part of you wants to stop. Hence there is conflict. A conflict occurs when there's a discrepancy between how it is and how it should be. Is and should. Bham. Inbetween we get the chance to wake up.

    What thought would be helpful to free yourself from that conditioning?

    Nope, we cannot change past but we can learn from it. Past is a good teacher. And to quote Maya Angelou: "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

    Maybe we can say: it did us. Now it is time to leave the passenger's seat and sit again in the driver's seat and do it. It did you. Now You do it. :)

    We go for progress not perfection, so pride can be useful but it can also be annoying. Use pride in a way that it is helpful to you.

    Replace and connect excitement and public places with a behavior you now want. What else is exciting to do in public places that is not harming yourself nor others? Or where else can you find excitement? What other healthy behavior excites you? Wouldn't it be super exciting to be a person of value in public? What are your values? How does a person of value behave in public places that is exciting? Find questions that lead towards building new constructive thoughts and habits.

    Break the chain, break the pattern. Step by step, one day at a time.

    Love this message: What we think we become.

    ​
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2023
    Spontifex, Mar 18, 2023
    Spontifex, Mar 18, 2023
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  5. Mar 18, 2023 #5
    Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    Great quote! I would second this by saying that being aware of our thoughts and triggers is the first step to freedom from undesirable behavior. The more we are aware, the more we will have to consciously act out if we choose to. We are, in essence, using our rational minds when we are aware. And if our rational mind is stronger than our irrational mind, we end up winning the prize of freedom from undesirable behavior.

    Yes, a perfect window of opportunity.

    Exactly! What can you fill the void with now that the OP has decided to stop doing the problematic behavior. The behavior may also be related to human connection instead of the location itself. The OP mentioned that they like to do it after having met up with people they like. Maybe they feel insecure about their relationships with others and they PMO as an escape. Fixing those insecurities may also be a path to freedom.

    Human connection and relationships are so important to recovery. When I was addicted to P and had too much time on my hands, I decided to use my extra time to do good in the world around me. I ended up volunteering at a nearby hospital. It was a great experience and a healthy source of dopamine. I felt good by helping meet a need in the community. This helped heal my self esteem. I actually starting liking myself again and felt like I could make a difference. The key was turning outward. Forgetting about ourselves and looking to others helps us heal.
     
    Jefe Rojo, Mar 18, 2023
    Jefe Rojo, Mar 18, 2023
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  6. Mar 18, 2023 #6
    Avon support you

    Avon support you Fapstronaut

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    Avon support you, Mar 18, 2023
    Avon support you, Mar 18, 2023
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  7. Mar 23, 2023 #7
    an_ongoing_process12345

    an_ongoing_process12345 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry for my late reply, I'm now in a classroom and have currently been dealing with urges. First ones came around two hours ago, I was alone in room and choose to not PMO. I started do some exercises in middle of room and reading a article about supernormal stimuli. Afterwards I did some mediation while sitting on my chair, urges went away and I returned to my normal state.

    Now urges came back stronger than before and I didn't give in, no sir and then I remembered about what you wrote. Think and observe like a scientist, I thought to myself that this is a vicious cycle. I was mainly bored, took a break from my studies and looked at my phone (turning on greyscale helps a bit) but it's still a bit risky while you trying to reboot of course. So I was bored and encountered with some triggers, it wasn't any content whatsoever but some words you read is enough to make your brain pulling tricks with you. Thankfully I installed a blocker on my phone, which prevented me to visit those damn sites. So yeah, I was bored, saw some words that triggered me a little, let those urges pass thanks to blocker app, and now I'm a little afraid of getting bored which will make me act up again.

    My conclusion, again it's a vicious cycle and we have to make sure to break it, with every little and precaution along the way. I'll do that by daily mediating, in short amounts of it. Heck, might as well do some mediation right now.
     
    an_ongoing_process12345, Mar 23, 2023
    an_ongoing_process12345, Mar 23, 2023
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  8. Mar 23, 2023 #8
    Spontifex

    Spontifex Fapstronaut
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    WOooooHOoooo! Well done for staying out of trouble :) and observing. It is a vicious cycle and urges come and go and they can be persisting especially when not getting satisified. But over time they realise something has changed, you have changed, you are now staying ON the board surfing those waves. Remember: The fun is NOT to fall. Each time you stay up and strong, each time you handle these urges in a way where you have choice ... each of those times will build up to the new behavior.

    There's a quote I love from Victor Frankl: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

    Meditate, exercise, have a conversation with the vision of yourself and talk about every good reason why to stay sober, why to stay clean, how it does feel.

    Keep going, grow and glow. Stay strong :)
     
    Spontifex, Mar 23, 2023
    Spontifex, Mar 23, 2023
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