I never thought that the damage was so great. (daily progress)

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by ZukoFirelord1, Mar 1, 2019.

  1. ZukoFirelord1

    ZukoFirelord1 New Fapstronaut

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    Like everyone here, I started masturbating at a young age. I remember that I started fapping around 13 years old watching soft porn. After the first time I never stopped until today that I am 28 years old. Today I see porn and hentai daily: xvideos, chaturbate, cam4 and similar pages. I have not yet reached the extreme of looking for rapes, transvestites or weird things, but, I have developed a preference for cammodels or camwhores, homemade and amateur couple videos.

    With a daily frequency of fapping 2 to 3 times a day. with an average of 2 times a day for 15 years. It was not until a few years ago that I assumed that what I was doing was a kind of addiction. I had trouble taking it. But I have been lenient and I have not done much to solve it. Even sometimes i used masturbation as a reward.

    I have tried to stop masturbating but, I have little will, and a tremendous lack of discipline. At the first opportunity I return to relapse, and I have become accustomed to lying to myself (subconsciously)

    while I masturbate I came to feel: frantic, like a rabid dog; peevish; or I am left with a strange and religious feeling of guilt (despite being an atheist). For me to masturbate is like sniffing cocaine like Tony Montana.


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    Seen from outside I'm a relatively normal guy. I'm a good son, a kind brother, a very good professional, young still, I do not spend economic hardships; I have a group of friends that I see; I can relate to women on a superficial level (converse, socialize, maintain friendship, working with them).

    Even my personality seen from the outside would not throw anything so strange. They perceive me as an ordered, organized, capable, audacious, perfectionist, hard and silent subject; And for some weird, hard to deal with or even gay.

    I'm not a depressed person, or anhedonic, or totally bitter or disgusted. I'm not naive or annoying positive guy. I'm pragmatic and realistic, sometimes too much.

    However, i reached my twenties with an essential problem in my life, that i resumed in one word:

    women

    And I have summarized my problems with them under 4 points:

    1) I never caressed or touch a woman in a romantic or erotic sense;
    2) I had never kissed a woman (except when greeting) ;
    3) of course, I never had a sexual relationship with a woman;
    4) And, I have never had a loving relationship with a any woman, in any sense (what includes all the work: knowledge, seduction, dating, relationship of couple).

    I’ve never been able to captivate a woman, seduce her. And if I have done it, I have not been able to notice it and make it concrete, which makes me slow when it comes to relating to them emotionally. That's why they get bored with someone like me.


    One thing I hate about all this and what has happened to me is the total lack of initiative of the women I know and of whom I have known that they have been attracted to me. But, well, Darwin orders the man to attract the woman as such in nature.

    I could not do it in school, I could not do it in high school, I could not do it in university, nor could I do it in my professional practice. Losing my adolescence and first adulthood.

    I have missed many good women in my life due to lack of resolution. So basically I'm a total inexperienced when it comes to treating women.

    During all those years masturbation quietly replaced all that: women, interest in real women, resolution to try to seduce real women.

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    After finishing university and saving my first salaries from first works. Until the beginning of this year I had some moral doubts about go to prostitutes. But, I decided to put an end to the problem that affects me. Hoping to gain confidence and experience and try to seduce a girl that I like.

    I set myself the goal of reducing the asymmetry of sexual experience between me and a possible partner (assuming perhaps falsely that she has a full sexual life)

    Discarding the problem of entering into a loving relationship (which requires more work), I thought that my problem was something common that could be solved with money. Thinking like that was stupid, I soon discovered it was not like that.

    I spent months looking for prostitutes or prepaid girls on the Internet. Until finally I decided and found the kind of woman I was looking for. I chose a kind Latina girl (20 years old, paraguayan, medium height, long black hair, big breasts, big butt).

    I made a huge mistake. The day before I was so anxious that I turned to the old acquaintance at least 6 times. But the worst, hours before the encounter with the prostitute I masturbated again following the rumor that says it is better to download to have sex. Big mistake.

    When I arrived at the place where the girl was attending, she received me kindly. Not without nerves, I undress quickly, while she tells me to get comfortable. Payment. I lay down on the bed, and she starts kissing me, and touching me. For the first time I feel the lips and profuse tongue of a woman, I touch everything I can. For the first time in my life I hold breasts, soft, big, I suck them; we do mutual oral sex, how much can I do for almost 20 minutes; When it was time to penetrate and get condon, I did not know how to put it, and then I noticed that I was ejaculating. I could never recover from that, and my little friend remained dysfunctional without reaching the erection.

    The girl was kind and pleasant at all times, and despite my failure, we kept touching and kissing until the hour was complete.

    But I felt defeated.

    When leaving the brothel, and walking down the street towards home, discarding myself (and my nerves) the main culprit of what had happened were old acquaintances: masturbation, and porn. Both in excess.


    I never thought that the damage was so great.

    I never thought that the damage of compulsive masturbation would ruin my first attempt to have sex (even if it simulates and pays), of course, the nerves of the first time can not be ruled out, but you can never expect premature ejaculation and dysfunction in the form that manifested. That worries me a lot. It showed me the reality and left me with some terror about how difficult the sexual aspect could be in a future relationship.


    I left with the false certainty that any woman would call me impotent or humiliate me if that had happened to me in a more serious relationship. I'm afraid of that kind of despotic feminine humiliation.

    In a way, I wake up. Better today than tomorrow.

    But, meditating in silence and reflecting on what happened, I was able to conclude many things: I was an idiot, I should have gone with some prostitute at least 10 years before, I lost a lot of time in moral ravings; The experience itself was not as traumatic as I thought, I was able to interact with a completely naked woman in better conditions than I thought: without stuttering, without trembling; I discovered that, after all, I'm not so bad at kissing; porn was useful to know how to kiss or touch a woman, but without other references it was unrealistic for the moment of penetration (penis suffers from excessive masturbation, and i was no a porn actor with an endless hard dick).
    .
    I was able to solve the essential problems of my life with women: problem 1 and problem 2 in less than an hour. I got stuck in problem 3.

    Even if the experience of erectile dysfunction was horrible, I gained much more than I lost. Finally I touched, I groped, I kissed a girl after 15 years of PMO (even if I paid for that). For me that was a giant step despite everything.


    Being the protagonist live and direct has been the most interesting thing that I have done in my sexual life, it has revitalized me, I want to repeat it, and not watch others on the screen anymore.

    So i decided to wait a little bit for the next attempt. Nothing hurries me to overcome problem 3 (sex and penetration), i want to improve myself physically and mentally, restart and rebooting from porn addiction, give myself an opportunity that I never had of: a live without PMO.


    That's why start NOFAP


    I want to develop discipline and order to overcome this titanic task.

    And finally start enjoying my sexual potency with relative normality.


    Sorry for the life diary and the tarzan english. i'm argentinian.
     
    IbrahimViking likes this.
  2. ZukoFirelord1

    ZukoFirelord1 New Fapstronaut

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    I use this tread as progress diary.

    Resume day 1-3.

    Day 1, I did not do more activities this day, it was a day of reflection, in which the will was firmer, there were no attempts of M or saw P, at the end of the day I remained strong;
    Day 2, day 2 began well, fulfillment activities that I organized the previous day, however in the small empty spaces of the day came the first attempts at sabotage, despite having done many more activities than on day 1, at the end of the day I began to M without reaching orgasm, although I did not see porn I sabotage indirectly seeing naked girls in 4chan (even adversiting), when I realized that the mission was in danger I stopped everything and went to sleep;
    Day 3. Day 3 was a work day, I work sometimes at home, so once I finish my work I went back to other activities, this time I touched myself less but I felt some anxiety to do it, although the attempts to touch me diminished, at the end of the day when I lay down in bed I started repeating the day 2, I could stopped again. summary I started M watching 4chan, before ruining everything I stopped abruptly.

    I hope to pass the threshold of day 6
     
    IbrahimViking likes this.

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