I really need some help , Hocd

hello again, I listened to a man's advice and thank him, I chose to end it all, but some insecurities got in my head and I can't understand even 1% of them, I try to remember who I was and all this stuff
I will try to mention a few things that prevent me from continuing
I've been attracted to boys since I was little (That's what my mind thinks, I don't know if they are exactly false memories)
I was always talking about girls, I always dreamed of living with a woman to be happy, I had about 3 serious relationships (I lost my virginity at the age of 15 with girls , it was pretty ok not even a problem, I could do it for more 5 times a day), but sometimes my brain makes me believe that every time I met a new friend (Boy) I suddenly changed my mood, I wanted all his attention, I always tried to be the center of attention
My sex life has always been ok, I would never have thought of being gay because I never felt like I wanted something romantic with a boy, I was always watching porn, I discovered this with my friends (We show "The little one" and we have fun on this), I masturbate 3-4 times every day (Sometimes even more), I didn't realize and I don't think I would be porn addicted, I watch a lot of rough, violated, forcefull sex, rough blowjob, gangbang (I'm sorry I did this I don't know what's in my head and why I'm watching this), but I didn't feel sorry for watching them or questioning me
1 year ago I failed trying to "deflower" my girlfriend, I lost my erection a few times, my erection had become weaker every day, but I had managed to have sex, it was quite ok, but something thought completely confused me "If you have did something with your cousin when you were little, you're gay ", that scared me so awful that it was like falling off my feet, and another" If you're gay and you lose everything, you'll be seen differently by others, you know you don't want that "You just want to be normal and have a family", this terrified me so bad for 1 whole year that I came to believe that it's really ok to be gay and I would like that woman, my biggest question is if I really got gay, because I don't feel attracted to both genders at all, I don't feel as wow as I used to when I was looking at a woman and that scares me, it makes me sad
I want to know the truth (I can't afford a therapist at the moment, and I've never watched gay porn, 2 years ago I had only one thought that I would have sex with a boy and I started laughing)
I'm sorry I posted so many questions over time but I'm desperate
A few more answers to the question of anxiety and mental health problems
-From the age of 12 I felt the presence of stress and anxiety
-I always have panic attacks (Especially when I'm next to old buildings or things I'm scared of lol)
-I never felt good enough
-I have been criticized many times for the way I look and the way I speak, I have a language defect
-I wasn't very social throughout my life, I was always ashamed in the presence of a girl and I had high hopes for her, or I joked a lot to get her attention
Please give me some advice or anything else that will make me understand why I don't feel attracted to women at all.
And I have one more question, a person who is not porn addicted and has only had heterosexual intercourse, is it possible to change their sexuality?

 

Yes , is the same
Always I want to check but I will never go on porn again , today I have 11 days streak

 

But I fell hopeless and 0 atractions , this is weird

 

I want to ask you something else
Something cuddled happened one day, there are times when I'm very excited about something, for example one day a boy wrote to me and I had an erection, all I had in mind was that I wanted sex with him, after 15 I calmed down for a few minutes but I was very panicked that I wanted that thing
I hope it wasn't just me