I really want to be a Girl but I dont want to

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Brown Boy, Jul 2, 2022.

  1. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    After 54 days of No PMO I had sex with my GF. I tried so many times but couldn't ejaculate during sex. After that I wasn't satisfied so i masturbated when she was gone and I m masturbating so much since.

    I have this desire to be a girl since childhood, before Porn or Masturbation. This desire lead me to sissy, humiliation, feminization, degradation porn. I have been masturbating since i was 15 years old now i m 30 yeas old. I fantasize about being a girl and have sex as a girl when i masturbate so when i m with a real girl i dont get much excited during sex so I can't ejaculate. Actually I can't get an erection in the first place. I use medication. I only get erection when i fantasize about my Male to Female transition or Forced feminatization.

    I am romantically and sexually attracted only to girls. I dont like boys.
    I thought abstaining from P, M, O I can rewire my brain. I tried so many times but I relapsed after sometime. MY longest streak was 138 days.

    During that 138 days streak my urge to be a girl and have sex as a girl, lead me to Grindr (A Gay App) and then I met a guy and I did it. It was so disgusting. yuck. when i was with him i wanted to puke. I still feel nauseous when i think about it.

    During this 55 days streak i was again on Grindr but i didnt meet anyone(thank god).

    I dont know what to do. My girlfriend knows about my ED problem but not about the other problems. I love her. I want to marry her.
  2. BrSweat

    BrSweat Fapstronaut

    Jesus dude, this is the reason why ive avoided sissy porn at all costs, it can quickly plague someones brain.
    You can repair yourself little by little but it will take serious amounts of effort and a very long time.

    The first and obvious thing to do is stop Porn cold turkey, otherwise you won't get anywhere, just stop and get rid of everything porn related.
    Youve been watching this type of content for a long time and it seems to have hardwired into your identity and sexual tastes which makes sense because thats the objective of those videos, to "brainwash" and confuse guys.

    If possible, research and go to a reputed therapist in your city and tell them everything, dont hide any of it. These are psychological issues that require Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, that will rectify your thoughts. You dont actually want to be a girl, its a fetishistic disorder, if by any chance the therapist pushes the idea that something is wrong with your gender, leave.

    In the mean time, fix your routine, eat healthy and exercise, these make a significant impact. Read about Porn addiction and how it manifests.

    This is subjective advice but imo you should not share any of this with your GF, it might be shocking to her, perhaps avoid sex aswell until you have healed a little bit. Things will improve man, but it will be a tall order and you need to be determined to leave this behind once and for all or it could end up far worse than it already is.
  3. Ksenia

    Ksenia Fapstronaut

    I wonder that some paraphilias (agp, for example) have the same patterns in almost all cultures, it points to some deep biological roots. Unfortunately, I don't have solution for you. I can only suggest to internalize feminity into your psyche in order to find dynamic balance between feminity and masculinity. Also you should seriously consider MtF transition. You have such desirese since childhood, they are deep and it is impossible to ignore them.
    Brown Boy likes this.
  4. 100 Days

    100 Days Fapstronaut

    Just reject the desire… there is a movie called “A Beautiful Mind” … Russell Crowe is the actor in it.

    In the movie, the main character sees these hallucinations. He ends up in an insane asylum.

    By the end of the movie, he still sees the hallucinations… but he chooses to ignore them. The hallucinations try talking to him, but he just acts like they aren’t there.

    You can do the same, good luck with your girlfriend
    整列するおとこ likes this.
  5. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    I from rural area of India. MtF transition is not an option for me and i dont want to mutilate my body either.
  6. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    I hv seen tht movie. it was brilliant.
    i have been fighting with this desire for a long time.

    when i see Cute clothes of girls i just cant stop thinking about how great would look in those clothes if i was a girl.
    i never cross dressed though. i know i would look ugly.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2022
    ThinkSmarter likes this.
  7. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    thank u so much bro. I m just so ashmed to go to a therapist and tell him all this stuff. I know should go to therapist. Everytime i try abstain from PMO my urges start to intensify.
    mashedpotatoes and ThinkSmarter like this.
  8. Coub

    Coub Fapstronaut

    Some desires are temporary and never come back. Before I acknowledged what even is Porn, in primary school, I used to fantasise about femdom, about transitioning to a girl(to be dominated so hard that I actually become a girl) or other weird shit I won't describe here. Those fantasies were making me extremely arousal. I've no idea if that's common and how my mind was so fucked up at that young age... Maybe it's because my mom was mainly taking care of my process of growing up? I didn't even know that femdom is fetish at that point of my life and I've never used femdom Porn!

    Once I started to notice girls, in a sexual way, at around ~11 years old? Those fantasies started to fade away and once faded, they never came back.

    Just do it man... I used to think about my shit financial situation in family and my own and justify not going to therapist because it's so expensive. The truth is, your mental health... there's nothing more important than fixing this. It doesn't only hurt you, your future but also your girlfriend.

    Therapist is never ever going to judge you. At least if that(the judge) won't help you to understand yourself.

    That's really long streak and lack of PMO seem to not cure your mind...

    Probably this is something that kept your mindset going to the wrong direction... If I had to bet. But it depends if it was constant or from time to time? 138 days staying clean should probably fix that though... I'm afraid you need a good specialist.

    Hitting a gym, gaining some muscular or doing some other activities which will bolster your testosterone might be a good start?
    ThinkSmarter and Brown Boy like this.
  9. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    I also grew up with my mom and 2 sisters my father was a cop and alwayd posted in different cities so he wasn't around much.

    i will go to a therapist.

    Yes 138 days Hard mode{No PMO, P-subs, No edging or anything} but it didn't work.
    i play vollyball every morning.

    I workout. i had six pack abs till last year but i have gain some weight this year.
    ThinkSmarter likes this.
  10. Dr.J_76ers

    Dr.J_76ers Fapstronaut

    Bro I think you can beat this.

    I have had the same disorder since I was 14 or so because I used to masturbate to these "myself as a woman" thoughts. Having gynecomastia (man boobs) and being fat at the time made me feel like my body was feminine.

    Then watching transwoman and sissy porn amplified this condition which destroyed me during COVID, made me worried that I ought to transition to the opposite sex.

    But now I'm doing a lot better. I no longer worry about my gender but I still face the AGP urges extensively. But gradually they've become less intense. More like thoughts than urges.

    Maybe you should try this right now: just no porn, you still masturbate. But force yourself to masturbate to the most vanilla stuff possible (maybe like twice a week). Do this for a couple months and then attempt no PMO again.

    The issue for me is inactivity. This summer has been so hard compared to the schoolyear because I've been stuck in my parent's house. So I've been going to the gym and the basketball court but it's hard.

    I think you need to make yourself as active as possible and get out of the house. Don't leave time for these AGP thoughts to fester in your conscience.

    Also ED can definitely take longer than 138 days to fix. Some Fapstronauts said it took a year or longer and one guy said that routine sex was "practice" for getting it back up.

    AND I THINK THIS IS THE END EVENT for people like us: those urges eventually become thoughts that we don't need to give a damn about.
  11. Dr.J_76ers

    Dr.J_76ers Fapstronaut

    Also in regards to this I definitely understand. On the days of my streak where I do end up fantasizing about that stuff, I feel almost nothing when I switch over to thinking or interacting with a real life girl. But when I've gone some time without those AGP urges and I see a girl (understand that I'm either in my house or in the gym so I don't see many women right now) I become very attracted to her.

    Our brain is still getting the larger dopamine high from the AGP/trans/sissy stuff! It is wired (from both AGP and porn) to think that it'll get the largest release from this content. But why does it want this release? Ironically, so we can reproduce!

    So we've just got to stay away from this content (you can still MO to vanilla thoughts) so our brains can readjust to real life stimulus.
    ThinkSmarter and Brown Boy like this.
  12. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    I don't know what you should do, but regardless of what you do, I wish you well.
    ThinkSmarter and Brown Boy like this.
  13. Mr. Monk

    Mr. Monk Fapstronaut

    First: Your fighting this feeling and it's giving you a ton of stress that I see which stress is a indicator for less of a semenal fluid release during sex especially. Some people can't preform from high stress levels.

    Second: You need to accept your self for who you are! There's plenty of people like you who've had this problem, they may like men but you like girls which is completely fine! You are currently trying to discover your self which I see.

    Keep an open mind to your inner gut, it tells you who you want to be. If you've been fighting these thought's since childhood it's got to mean something if they don't disappear.
    Brown Boy and Ksenia like this.
  14. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    thanks its helpful
    ThinkSmarter likes this.
  15. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    yes it's really stressful.
    actually for me just thoughts of having sex is stressful. when my gf says she wants have sex i get tensed and now i dont even enjoy sex.
  16. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    Thank u so much guys for your insights and advices. i m gonna start my streak again. i m just relapsing. but i will start again from tomorrow and i will find a good therapist too.

    thank u so much.
    and if anyone has anything else to share plz do ☺️
    ThinkSmarter likes this.
  17. ThinkSmarter

    ThinkSmarter Fapstronaut

    Hello! Hopefully I can give you more motivation to continue! About 6 months ago after knowing femdom, but only joi for about a year and a half, I learned about sissy (also just pretending) and humiliation porn and before I knew it I was addicted to it. I struggled a lot and questioned myself every time I was aroused from those extreme brain rewiring videos, I had tried many times to stop for a week, but at that time even though I couldn't, I wasn't feeling addicted to a point I couldn't quit myself if I tried harder. After about a month ago that I joined in here and abstained from pmo completely, I watched again weird shit like that 2 days ago because long story short I felt like even if my mind rewires, my fetishes will never (I hate that word) go away, because I also had weird fetishes, where only from a girl I liked being forced or humiliated ever since I remember myself (not exaggerating) so porn just strengthen it, it didn't create it and started questioning my progress, so I watched for about 2 hours in the noon (btw didn't felt the same but I wasn't sure back then) and stopped because my parents came home, but continued after midnight and I watched and degraded myself for over 5 hours with just one orgasm at the end trying what I used to do, to my surprise though I realized that I wasn't feeling the same excitement as I used to and now that I know I didn't liked it and my fetishes are gone, is only a matter of time I leave this habit for good!
    One thing I can also tell you is that time is the best doctor! I believe that in your case, watching brain rewiring porn made you sexually confused so just understand that and KEEP GOING! Give time to what's going to be WORTH in the LONG RUN! Good luck on your journey!
  18. Do you think that you may be transgender or exploring gender identity?

    Just an important note though: you should abstain from porn for a while and then ask yourself such gender question. Maybe try abstaining from porn for a year, and then ask such gender question. It's true that some people do identify as transgender, nonbinary, or more. Some people are even born intersex. But I feel gender identification is usually from within and not influenced by external factors like porn.
  19. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    i m not addicted to porn.
    my main addiction is masturbating while scrolling through beautiful girls/models/actresses pictures and imagining about my transition into a beautiful girl like them or having sex as girl.
  20. If you want, then you can stop viewing those women for a year and then see if you still have thoughts of transitioning. Since you are posting in this part of the forum, I'm assuming that you feel there is some problem with your behavior.

    If you do manage to stop viewing those women for a year, then you can have less doubts and more confidence about the nature of your gender identity or thoughts.

    Also, to get onto HRT for transitioning, you may need to get evaluated by a healthcare or medical professional. That person may have the power to approve or disapprove you for HRT. If that person believes that the images of women are influencing your decision to transition, that person may not approve your HRT until you've stopped looking at those women for a while.

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