I really want to be a Girl but I dont want to

Jesus dude, this is the reason why ive avoided sissy porn at all costs, it can quickly plague someones brain.
You can repair yourself little by little but it will take serious amounts of effort and a very long time.

The first and obvious thing to do is stop Porn cold turkey, otherwise you won't get anywhere, just stop and get rid of everything porn related.
Youve been watching this type of content for a long time and it seems to have hardwired into your identity and sexual tastes which makes sense because thats the objective of those videos, to "brainwash" and confuse guys.

If possible, research and go to a reputed therapist in your city and tell them everything, dont hide any of it. These are psychological issues that require Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, that will rectify your thoughts. You dont actually want to be a girl, its a fetishistic disorder, if by any chance the therapist pushes the idea that something is wrong with your gender, leave.

In the mean time, fix your routine, eat healthy and exercise, these make a significant impact. Read about Porn addiction and how it manifests.

This is subjective advice but imo you should not share any of this with your GF, it might be shocking to her, perhaps avoid sex aswell until you have healed a little bit. Things will improve man, but it will be a tall order and you need to be determined to leave this behind once and for all or it could end up far worse than it already is.

 

I wonder that some paraphilias (agp, for example) have the same patterns in almost all cultures, it points to some deep biological roots. Unfortunately, I don't have solution for you. I can only suggest to internalize feminity into your psyche in order to find dynamic balance between feminity and masculinity. Also you should seriously consider MtF transition. You have such desirese since childhood, they are deep and it is impossible to ignore them.

 

Just reject the desire… there is a movie called “A Beautiful Mind” … Russell Crowe is the actor in it.

In the movie, the main character sees these hallucinations. He ends up in an insane asylum.

By the end of the movie, he still sees the hallucinations… but he chooses to ignore them. The hallucinations try talking to him, but he just acts like they aren’t there.

You can do the same, good luck with your girlfriend

 

Some desires are temporary and never come back. Before I acknowledged what even is Porn, in primary school, I used to fantasise about femdom, about transitioning to a girl(to be dominated so hard that I actually become a girl) or other weird shit I won't describe here. Those fantasies were making me extremely arousal. I've no idea if that's common and how my mind was so fucked up at that young age... Maybe it's because my mom was mainly taking care of my process of growing up? I didn't even know that femdom is fetish at that point of my life and I've never used femdom Porn!

Once I started to notice girls, in a sexual way, at around ~11 years old? Those fantasies started to fade away and once faded, they never came back.

Just do it man... I used to think about my shit financial situation in family and my own and justify not going to therapist because it's so expensive. The truth is, your mental health... there's nothing more important than fixing this. It doesn't only hurt you, your future but also your girlfriend.

Therapist is never ever going to judge you. At least if that(the judge) won't help you to understand yourself.

That's really long streak and lack of PMO seem to not cure your mind...

Probably this is something that kept your mindset going to the wrong direction... If I had to bet. But it depends if it was constant or from time to time? 138 days staying clean should probably fix that though... I'm afraid you need a good specialist.

Hitting a gym, gaining some muscular or doing some other activities which will bolster your testosterone might be a good start?

 

Bro I think you can beat this.

I have had the same disorder since I was 14 or so because I used to masturbate to these "myself as a woman" thoughts. Having gynecomastia (man boobs) and being fat at the time made me feel like my body was feminine.

Then watching transwoman and sissy porn amplified this condition which destroyed me during COVID, made me worried that I ought to transition to the opposite sex.

But now I'm doing a lot better. I no longer worry about my gender but I still face the AGP urges extensively. But gradually they've become less intense. More like thoughts than urges.

Maybe you should try this right now: just no porn, you still masturbate. But force yourself to masturbate to the most vanilla stuff possible (maybe like twice a week). Do this for a couple months and then attempt no PMO again.

The issue for me is inactivity. This summer has been so hard compared to the schoolyear because I've been stuck in my parent's house. So I've been going to the gym and the basketball court but it's hard.

I think you need to make yourself as active as possible and get out of the house. Don't leave time for these AGP thoughts to fester in your conscience.

Also ED can definitely take longer than 138 days to fix. Some Fapstronauts said it took a year or longer and one guy said that routine sex was "practice" for getting it back up.

AND I THINK THIS IS THE END EVENT for people like us: those urges eventually become thoughts that we don't need to give a damn about.

 

Also in regards to this I definitely understand. On the days of my streak where I do end up fantasizing about that stuff, I feel almost nothing when I switch over to thinking or interacting with a real life girl. But when I've gone some time without those AGP urges and I see a girl (understand that I'm either in my house or in the gym so I don't see many women right now) I become very attracted to her.

Our brain is still getting the larger dopamine high from the AGP/trans/sissy stuff! It is wired (from both AGP and porn) to think that it'll get the largest release from this content. But why does it want this release? Ironically, so we can reproduce!

So we've just got to stay away from this content (you can still MO to vanilla thoughts) so our brains can readjust to real life stimulus.

 

I don't know what you should do, but regardless of what you do, I wish you well.

 

First: Your fighting this feeling and it's giving you a ton of stress that I see which stress is a indicator for less of a semenal fluid release during sex especially. Some people can't preform from high stress levels.


Second: You need to accept your self for who you are! There's plenty of people like you who've had this problem, they may like men but you like girls which is completely fine! You are currently trying to discover your self which I see.


Keep an open mind to your inner gut, it tells you who you want to be. If you've been fighting these thought's since childhood it's got to mean something if they don't disappear.

 

Hello! Hopefully I can give you more motivation to continue! About 6 months ago after knowing femdom, but only joi for about a year and a half, I learned about sissy (also just pretending) and humiliation porn and before I knew it I was addicted to it. I struggled a lot and questioned myself every time I was aroused from those extreme brain rewiring videos, I had tried many times to stop for a week, but at that time even though I couldn't, I wasn't feeling addicted to a point I couldn't quit myself if I tried harder. After about a month ago that I joined in here and abstained from pmo completely, I watched again weird shit like that 2 days ago because long story short I felt like even if my mind rewires, my fetishes will never (I hate that word) go away, because I also had weird fetishes, where only from a girl I liked being forced or humiliated ever since I remember myself (not exaggerating) so porn just strengthen it, it didn't create it and started questioning my progress, so I watched for about 2 hours in the noon (btw didn't felt the same but I wasn't sure back then) and stopped because my parents came home, but continued after midnight and I watched and degraded myself for over 5 hours with just one orgasm at the end trying what I used to do, to my surprise though I realized that I wasn't feeling the same excitement as I used to and now that I know I didn't liked it and my fetishes are gone, is only a matter of time I leave this habit for good!
One thing I can also tell you is that time is the best doctor! I believe that in your case, watching brain rewiring porn made you sexually confused so just understand that and KEEP GOING! Give time to what's going to be WORTH in the LONG RUN! Good luck on your journey!

 

Do you think that you may be transgender or exploring gender identity?

Just an important note though: you should abstain from porn for a while and then ask yourself such gender question. Maybe try abstaining from porn for a year, and then ask such gender question. It's true that some people do identify as transgender, nonbinary, or more. Some people are even born intersex. But I feel gender identification is usually from within and not influenced by external factors like porn.

 

If you want, then you can stop viewing those women for a year and then see if you still have thoughts of transitioning. Since you are posting in this part of the forum, I'm assuming that you feel there is some problem with your behavior.

If you do manage to stop viewing those women for a year, then you can have less doubts and more confidence about the nature of your gender identity or thoughts.

Also, to get onto HRT for transitioning, you may need to get evaluated by a healthcare or medical professional. That person may have the power to approve or disapprove you for HRT. If that person believes that the images of women are influencing your decision to transition, that person may not approve your HRT until you've stopped looking at those women for a while.