I really want to understand...

2 things:
- You have to put work in a relationship (both you & your partner, otherwise it won't work out.)
- When you find your true love, you will know, trust me.

 

I think that before you settle into adult life (meaning, done with school, reasonably independent, stable identity and so on) relationships really are all "trials". They're learning experiences. Sometimes it hurts. It's okay to date a lot of people, or none at all. Some folks find their life mate early on, most don't. You're better off if you can avoid serious heartbreak while you're learning, but few people are so lucky.

Making a long-term relationship work takes adult maturity, patience, selflessness, and a nice dose of realism. You're not perfect and you're not going to find a perfect partner. But you can expect to find a loving partner who brings a lot more joy than pain into your life. You can be that kind of partner too, and in fact you should.

Couples break up for all sorts of reasons. Some people think the grass is greener elsewhere, some don't take care of what they've got, some are delusional about what they "deserve" in life, and some just haven't learned to be nice to anyone yet. You have the opportunity to watch what other people do, reflect on what you see, and learn what to do in your relationships, and what qualities to seek in a significant other. There's no need to fear that everything will fall apart for no reason. There is always a reason. You can make your relationships great by paying attention, listening to your heart, having empathy and acting with kindness.

 

In my experience (Im 34), and from what Ive seen, heard and been told, the biggest problem is this:

WHY the FK do we have to go looking for love or feel pressured to be in a relationship?
Peer pressure, the media, society etc.

THATS the problem.

I suffered greatly (despite being a cute kid, and now a good looking guy) for years, because I felt the need to have someone.
Little did I know that my energy, time, thought and vision were being utterly wasted.

Why? Because of a Universal Law: the more you desire it, the farther it gets! When you least expect it, it comes!

I met girls, tried to have a relationship, but it never work out.
You have to "bump" into that someone special Then the little angel comes by and pierces both of you with an arrow.

I fell madly in love, out of the blue. I went to a hair salon, saw a girl and I NEW it was love.
Her eyes were glowing too. It was beautiful....I remember to this day.
To my heartbreak and sadness, we broke up.

But believe me: work on yourself. I can never say this enough.
It has been said and written so many times: work on yourself.

When a man is concentrated on becoming a better man, THATS when he attracts a woman.

This Universal Law will never change.

 

I agree 100%.
Work on yourself, the rest will follow.

 

[/QUOTE]

Amen brother.

 

Loving yourself makes it much easier to be open and honest with others. Mainly because you don't feel like you are a weirdo for thinking or feeling a certain way. Being open, honest and vulnerable is what creates intimacy. There are things I have told my husband that I have never told anyone on earth! He loves me unconditionally because he knows literally everything about me with no judgement and I know a lot about him now. When he was into PMO he used it to escape intimacy. He hid so much about himself because he wanted my approval instead of loving himself enough to not care what I thought. We've been working on this. It all stems from his past and what he had to do to fit in with his family. At some point the learned habits from your childhood are no longer serving you. I had to overcome codependency which was a strategy I used in childhood to get along in my family. Codependency was keeping me from the true intimacy I wanted in my life. Once you figure out what's holding you back, it's much easier to get rid of those unhealthy patterns. It sounds like you are on your way

Every partner you have is there to mirror the parts of yourself that need to heal. This is why people will have the same issues over and over in relationships. This is why I know that even if I hadn't married my husband I would have just dealt with addiction in another partner. It was that addiction that caused me to heal myself. For every "failed" relationship, what was there for you to learn? If you don't learn it, it will be repeated.

 

Relationships require constant nurturing. We live in a society of serial monogram, no one puts in 110% anymore. It is too easy to move on and there are always willing new partners to suffer the same shallow disappointments. The problem today is that most relationships start on the sexual level -- not knowing the person or taking the effort to get to know them. And then when we do, well, we do not nurture it, it is just left out there to "flounder!" First, you must be with your best friend, you cannot have a true loving relationship without it being with your very best friend, the person you trust more than anyone else, PERIOD! You must grow into one flesh, one emotion, almost one consciousness. This take constant diligence and work. It take LOVE. It takes the ultimate commitment and sincere love.

Good luck!

 

Relationships aren't mandatory. Why not enjoy the time you have now? You can pretty much do anything you want with your life at this point.

 

I agree with the first one, I strongly disagree with the second.
There is no such thing as true love, IMO. Love is a biological function, so it can be had more or less with a variety of partners.