I relapsed after a long period of no pmo friends.... These are my current thoughts....

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  1. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Relapse after a long period without pmo..

    Unfortunately, friends, I've relapsed.... I went more than 4 months (that's well over the 90 day nofap traditional recommendation) without looking at porn or any other sexual material looking for pleasure from them, without thinking of real life women (atleast mostly) in a lustful way...



    Now.... I've relapsed... Hours of watching the unnatural trash photos andmasturbation..... The reason? I'll try toanalyze..
    1. I neglected my spiritual life and my devotion.... I didn't go to church for nearly 7 weeks.... The daily Rosary with my family over the phone I regarded as a trouble rather than as a great gift of God... Instead of renewing faith, hope and love for God, subconsciously I must have thought that I had obtained what I wanted from God (freedom from PMO) and so left off my prayers and going to church..... In my opinion probably my biggestmistake...

    2. I didn't get rid of other bad habits... I still watched hours of entertainment videos, played hours of a dangerous timewasting and soul sucking moba game... I didn't develop good habits of cleanliness, early rising, exercise, eating healthy, positivity, being grateful to God for all the things in life etc... I didn't watch pmo forthese months but wasted a lot of time in useless and bad habits....

    3. I let pride creep in... Instead of being thankful to God for helping me to be free of that sin for so long, I thought I would never fall back into it again.... I thought that temptation wouldn't affect me.... I was wrong....

    Also, I still have not "rewired" from that pmo habit..... Even though my faith built up strong principles against it and helped me to avoid it, I didn't allow my brain enough time to recover....
    The excessive screen time greatly hinders rewiring (losing your connections and attractions to pmo and building up good thoughts and attitudes) I think....

    Also, I still have anhedonia (lack of pleasure and joy) and depression... Life feels dull and pointless... Because I just relapsed it is very severe now... But I know this will pass soon.....


    I think one of the reasons my mind hasn't yet recovered from the depression and lack of joy is because of excessive screen usage, which makes me enjoy that artificial world and prevents my brain from learning to be happy in the real actual world.... I would forget all my worries and feel very happy when I was in that imaginary screen world of dramas and movies... Without it I felt dull and depressed...



    How do I feel now?
    I feel sad that I feel back into the pit into which I vowed never to enter again.... When you want something that much and then end up failing to achieve it, one feels greatly depressed and hopeless about the future....
    Still my brain is in the confusion of that post pmo state....

    On some levels, I feel that it is expected to have fallen sooner or later, as I totally neglected voluntary church and prayer, didn't make other real changes, kept wasting my time..... This relapse is like a wake up call...

    One must also think positively about the world and people, and not give way to negative thoughts.... For me, some negative thoughts about women (thatwomen are selfish, superficial, shallow that real relationships are not happy at all, that most women are only in relationships for money and kids, that there are no good women at all etc etc ) encouraged me to relapse... These negative thoughts are definitely products or increased by pmo.... And these thoughts themselves can drive one to pmo because a negative view of women can encourage usingthem as objects for one's lust)



    I will learn something from this...
    I will not follow the patterns of failure... I will not beat myself up and place great expectations on my own strength whichcan make me feel bad enough to binge... I will start to go to churchregularly again, say my prayers again, let God into my mind and life again, place God at the top of my priorities, and AVOID AVOID AVOID AVOID AVOID BINGEING....

    if experience and the thousands of people who trashed pmo habit for good havetaught me anything, it's that you canrecover fast from one relapse, but never from a binge...
    A single relapse will take away your peace of mind and fill you with temptations, but it will be temporary, and be a steppingstone for success if you don't go and fall again...

    However, a full binge will set you back at the very beginning of your recovery, erase all the progress you may have made, and make you find yourself again in thedeepest pits from which you came out....

    I will try to never watch porn andmasturbation purposely again in my life... But it's all on God now... I will go back to Him for help and rely on Him always....


    Ahh... How I wish I had never become addicted.... How I wish to be pure, pious, happy, successful and innocent like a child...
    How great it would be if this sin trash didn't exist in the world at all...... But I shouldn't waste time dreaming instead of doing... Doing is much more virtuous than merely wanting....... Even if there's PMO in the world, I have the choice to purge it (and other major sins ) from my life and my world, and the way is God.....

    Jesus Christ, help me to pass victoriously through sin and live according to your great plans for us... I ask for prayers to God from everyone here and everyone in Heaven, most of all my mother Mary....

    The great way to both Holiness, victory over sin and happiness is not to place too much expectation on yourself, but think of yourself with humility as a humble and weak person who will be saved from sin by God... Try to do all that you need to do but always know that God will help you through everything...
     
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  2. Vince T

    Vince T Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your journey with us. For many years I was involved in an amazing 12 step program, SA. During that period I was sober - no porn, no masturbation - for 5+ years. I never felt so much freedom, and I never felt so close to God. It was amazing. And then work moved me away from my 12 step group, to a place where there were no meetings. Without my program, I relapsed.

    I have recently recommitted myself to this path, and God is helping me to find my footing again. Only a few weeks ago I cried out to God in desperation, and he led me to online video-conference 12 step meetings based on the SA program. It's been a blessing. I feel tremendously hopeful again.

    Keep praying. Keep surrendering each day to God. And if you need help along the way, send me a private message. I can listen and offer support. We're all here to support one another. God bless.
     
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  3. dlansky

    dlansky Fapstronaut

    Glad you are back "on the wagon." Reflecting on where you started to go wrong is very important. I encourage you to get to confession as soon as possible. We do have choices, but we also need to be reunited with Christ through the sacraments.
     
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  4. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment here... an update to my relapse on Monday...
    That same day I relapsed again and also the next day...
    But then, I resolved to go to confession on Wednesday... I also started saying the rosary with pious intention instead of just superficially as I had been doing....
    Even though I couldn't go to confession on Wednesday I have not relapsed since....


    1. We should realize that even though temptations will be there in the world and we should overcome them, our place lies with God and not with sin....
    2. We should give more importance to God and being good than other things (work, leisure, etc) and even other person's in our life... If we do that, we will stay connected with God and use the resources he has gives us for overcoming sin, like Confession and Church, instead of being neglecting those... And if we do that, we will not fall into sin...
     
  5. Nuhope

    Nuhope Fapstronaut

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    Be aware that the long period of no PMO is not useless and did not get useless only because you relapsed. This long period made you stronger - so restart with it.

    Thanks for telling us the circumstances - so we are warned! I can confirm a lot of parts you wrote. Especially getting pride or confident of victory will end or making difficult the period of no PMO - because the precaution decreases to much.

    Take an accountability partner (you can take me if you want), that motivates to let the day counter increase. I would have fallen if I had no accountability partner (thanks God I have one). If the urge starts again, write an email to me and wait for reply!
     
  6. dlansky

    dlansky Fapstronaut

    Exactly. Time without PMO helps us learn to live without PMO, even if we do stumble again at some point.

    "No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13
     
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