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I relapsed and i'm thankful

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Hold the Line, Aug 12, 2021.

  1. Hold the Line

    Hold the Line Fapstronaut

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    Yes, after breaking my record by a single day, from 47 to 48, i finally relapsed.
    I feel this saps very much mental energy, to keep resisting and resisting, it's constant fight, daily.
    like the bigger the load gets, i feel more, and more, and more stressed and feeling uneasy...
    When i relapsed it felt very weird because i didn't relapse for 48 day and didn't watch p for nearly 100 days!!!!!!
    I relapsed to p...
    Urges were very, very persistent and strong, this voice in your head keeps telling you:'' do it, do it, do it, do it, do it''.
    i tried cold showers and every thing of course but that's not the point, the only thing that can save you is mental strength, and persisting through, i guess.
    I'm really disappointed from myself because this time, i really felt i had it, that i got that good mentality for resisting it.
    But it's always hitting like a boulder to the face, least expected, persistant, unrelenting.
    The last week i felt like i won't last much longer, but hoped to at least get to day 50 haha...
    Oh well, at least i'm not fapping every single day like i used to, sometimes 2 times a day.
    My confidence still not improved, mental clarity, and all those mental benefits talked about abstaining, because even that i relapsed it was nearly 50 days no pmo, my sack was getting blue lol, lots of brain fog.
    My balls actually hurt a little after the relapse, passed after 2 minutes now all good.
    This relapse was actually good for me i think (hear me out).
    It was very, very unwanted, and though there was lust and horniness and excitements, i felt really disgusted from the p even before the relapse (which is new to me, i usually get grossed out only after the relapse).
    Let me tell you, it was not a good relapse, it felt really nasty and out of place.
    I didn't enjoy it, i think when you constantly tell your mind that PMO=bad, girlfriend=good.
    The brain eventually lessens its enjoyment from a PMO session.
    The worst part? the humiliating ''ceremony'' of cleaning yourself up, dressing up, getting the several minutes of post-nut clarity, it really makes you think and understand where you do wrong in every part of your life.
    me? in negative AF, i'm untrusting and always think people are trying to scam/use me.
    I still don't do much exercise, which i think was quite pivotal in the wanted success.
    So this PMO session was sort of a... well, i wouldn't call it a ''trauma'' because that would be exaggerating, it's just a really bad experiance and memory, and i hope it will help me carve the way for a new, improved streak, and an improved me.
    I'm 22, never been in any relationship, no GF, no sex, no kissing... like ever, people sort of pitty me for it, and even though i look forward to it eventually happening, i don't pitty myself.
    You know who i pitty? people who smoke and say they can stop but don't want to, there is nothing worse than that.
    ''you stopped watch porn? lol, why? it's perfectly fine and healthy''.
    I am aware of my bad habits and know where i need to change, and it might take years and years, because that life, an entire session of learning and improvements.
    What am i wishing to myself? being happy and content with what i have, working in a place i am passionate about and make a good living, having a wonderful, understanding, and beautiful partner.
    And of course what would be a wishlist of life to me without a 335i? ;)
    I think i have discovered alot of these important things fairly early in life, and i'm grateful for that, and i hope i will have a wonderful life that when eventually, when i'll be on my death bed i will reminisce and say:'' jee, i had a wonderful life''.
    I wish every single one of you who has read untill the end will have a happy, powerfull, fullfiling life.
    May we overpower every struggle with swiftness and willpower.
     
    Buddhabro, HelperX and Abel100% like this.
  2. Abel100%

    Abel100% Fapstronaut

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    Sigue en tu lucha, no caigas en atracones ..... Tienes una buena actitud a pesar de haber recaído, que sigas mejorando. Yo a los 26 años tampoco tuve novia ni sexo ni nada.... Llegará...
     
    Hold the Line likes this.
  3. HelperX

    HelperX Fapstronaut

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    Dude, that post-nut clarity really hits hard indeed ( I didn't break my streak, just remembering when I would masturbate to porn and then the post-nut clarity would come ). And porn can make you keep masturbating to it even though you are feeling ill while it keeps destroying your life, it's evil man, that's why you need to come to your senses and ignore every urge that comes. No sexual urge can overtop the consequences of porn. Remember that. And remember about the consequences everytime an urge comes! Keep going and defeat this filth addiction!
     
    Abel100% likes this.

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