I relapsed in the worst possible way, need an accountability partner

S

Skanderbeg

New Fapstronaut
I don’t know what is wrong with me, I have lost all respect for myself, I don’t know what the fuck was going through my head but I ordered a fleshlight and relapsed after 35 days. I feel incredibly ashamed and want to die, this is the most painful relapse even worse than one I had after 120 days. I feel so fucking perverted, sick, shameful, I feel like an absolute loser. I threw that shit out after my relapse but the damage is done on my psyche, I feel stripped of my masculinity and pride to do something so embarrassing, I never felt so demoralized. I never thought I would do something so sick and desperate.

I was introduced to porn when I was 6-7 years old by an older friend, started watching it consistent when I was 9 and got a laptop. It’s been about 4 years since I’ve found out about NoFap and the damage porn does to your brain, ever since I have struggled trying to beat this addiction, i am 23 now. I aways tell myself I am going to beat it this time only for me relapse again. I feel like I am stuck in a loop and I just can’t get out and it’s driving me crazy. I am starting to get worried I will never even make a recovery with all the dopamine my brain has been exposed to by porn… I also don’t want to pursue any girls until I get my shit together and do a 90 day soft reboot, I don’t want to bring this shit onto any potential partners. The hardest part is surviving those 90 days alone, but I did 120 once so I am sure I can do it again..
 
Yo I can be your AP. I am 25 with a similar story. Just dm me here since I don’t receive notifications of replies.
 
@Skanderbeg welcome to the forum bro!

First of all, you don't need to feel those intense feelings of shame & guilt. You're in the right place! The key to beating the PMO addiction isn't [urely just stopping, it's about changing mentality and behaviour. You are no more of a loser than anyone here, and just about everyone here is trying to find a way to achieve personal and spiritual growth. The fact you want to change means you're on the right path and open to to growth and self-improvement. I hope you agree that doesn't make you a loser!

You're in the right place. We're all here trying to kick a very powerful addictive behaviour / visual drug, and all the extras (like fleshlights) come with it. It's ok to experiment, and its also ok to decide you don't want to do it anymore. None of that makes you a loser.

Skanderbeg said:
I also don’t want to pursue any girls until I get my shit together
Click to expand...
This is a really mature way of thinking and I wish i'd figured that out sooner! I spent years trying to have/pursue a relationship whilst maintaing my PMO addiction and suffering from the side effects. Spoiler alert - it's pretty damn hard to achieve if you don't get your own shit in order before taking on someone elses :-)

I don't come on here regularly enough to offer myself as an AP, but if you'd like someone to chat to via the DMs then HMU man.
 
Skanderbeg said:
I don’t know what is wrong with me, I have lost all respect for myself, I don’t know what the fuck was going through my head but I ordered a fleshlight and relapsed after 35 days. I feel incredibly ashamed and want to die, this is the most painful relapse even worse than one I had after 120 days. I feel so fucking perverted, sick, shameful, I feel like an absolute loser. I threw that shit out after my relapse but the damage is done on my psyche, I feel stripped of my masculinity and pride to do something so embarrassing, I never felt so demoralized. I never thought I would do something so sick and desperate.

I was introduced to porn when I was 6-7 years old by an older friend, started watching it consistent when I was 9 and got a laptop. It’s been about 4 years since I’ve found out about NoFap and the damage porn does to your brain, ever since I have struggled trying to beat this addiction, i am 23 now. I aways tell myself I am going to beat it this time only for me relapse again. I feel like I am stuck in a loop and I just can’t get out and it’s driving me crazy. I am starting to get worried I will never even make a recovery with all the dopamine my brain has been exposed to by porn… I also don’t want to pursue any girls until I get my shit together and do a 90 day soft reboot, I don’t want to bring this shit onto any potential partners. The hardest part is surviving those 90 days alone, but I did 120 once so I am sure I can do it again..
Click to expand...
I know how you feel i am currently in a relationship myself and everytime i relaspe the back lach of my psyche feels like a whole brick house falling on me, i have tried absolutely everything to kick the habit but it seems like my exposure to porn at a young age really messed up and i use as a method to cope with my trauma, but that ends today, when you have community things are easier i am the same age as you ans would really like you to be my accountabilty partner
 
Skanderbeg said:
I don’t know what is wrong with me, I have lost all respect for myself, I don’t know what the fuck was going through my head but I ordered a fleshlight and relapsed after 35 days. I feel incredibly ashamed and want to die, this is the most painful relapse even worse than one I had after 120 days. I feel so fucking perverted, sick, shameful, I feel like an absolute loser. I threw that shit out after my relapse but the damage is done on my psyche, I feel stripped of my masculinity and pride to do something so embarrassing, I never felt so demoralized. I never thought I would do something so sick and desperate.
Click to expand...

It's kind of weird how women use sex toys all the time, and no one cares, but a man using a sex toy is like the worst thing ever. I don't think it's that big of a deal to be honest. Good luck with your reboot.
 
A few things:

1) You have so much time ahead of you. I'm literally twice your age--46--and still struggle pretty regularly with PMO (disregard my sobriety counter--I haven't been active on this site in quite a while). The fact that you're recognizing the problem and talking about it at 23 is a really good sign.

2) Do you live in or near a major city? If so, I would highly recommend looking into a Sex Addicts Anonymous 12-step support group. There is truly no substitute for in-person connection with other men who understand what you're going through. Online "accountability partners" are fine, but let's be real--99% of the time, online APs start out with good intentions to connect regularly and then slowly fade away. There is no true accountability when your accountability partner is someone you never see, or who never sees the signs when you might be struggling or needing help. Plus, this addiction is highly dependent on shame and isolation to grow and metastasize. When you meet with other men in person, and they listen to you share--not with judgment, but with compassion and acceptance--it's like the polar opposite of shame and isolation. It's connection and belonging. And that can go light years toward helping you get some traction in your recovery.

Don't let yourself slip into thoughts of "oh, but those are SEX ADDICTS, I'm not nearly as bad as those perverts." You might not relate to some of the behaviors other SAA members are dealing with--but virtually every SAA member understands porn addiction. Porn is almost universally the gateway drug into every other kind of compulsive sexual behavior.

3) Do whatever you can to be gentle with yourself and free yourself from the shame cycle. You have an addiction. This will be the single hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with in your life, probably ever. So give yourself some grace. Expect that you will have stumbles and slips, and resolve that you will use them as learning experiences. Stop beating yourself up. Otherwise, what happens is you'll dwell in thoughts of "I'm pathetic / I'm worthless / I'm an absolute loser / I'll never get better", and so you turn once again to the dependable PMO that makes you feel better, at least for a little while. Which of course actually makes you feel worse, and fills you with negative self-talk, so you medicate, and on, and on, and on, forever.
 
Thanks for this reply 'SuperFan.' Porn was a gateway for me, too. Be warned it will get worse and worse if one continues to isolate, as I have, in their fantasy world. My therapist has told me I need to continue talking...and when I'm done talking to continue to talk some more.
 
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