I relapsed into chats and I need to share and make right-Need Encouragement Understanding Support

Hi all,

I had 97 days hardmode but lost it a couple weeks ago.

I was aware of how I was self-medicating. I lost balance when I got home from a big memorial-got hit by grief and learned about how many different aspects of it are. Was also really hit with how unhappy I am with where I am at in life and aware that heavy changes need to be made. I'm a beginner member of a few 12 Step support groups around sex and relationships and around money.

I succumbed to the temptation to fap. It was like the more I was hit with the intensity of the grief and the feeling of unhappiness of where my life is right now-I became more panicky and touched myself to cope-then it became fapping.

I went into adult/sex chats and got into situations with people that left me feeling ashamed-I crossed my bottom lines and it feels so shitty. It feels shitty becasue there is no such thing as a secret-I can't keep things a secret from my own conscience. I feel so dirty (I think it comes from the dopamine crash). But I feel so ashamed too. It made me reflect on myself and who I've become in the past few years.

Back in 2013-I was a reasonably happy and outgoing person-and then I hit hard times, later on my father and my sister died-my family relationships were never so hot and I became colder and more bitter and unfortunately isolated. It's so painful to see that I might have been more naieve and immature as an adult-I was more socialble and outgoing and willing to connect as best as I could. Now I feel more guarded-my spirit feels lost. You ever have those times where you're at a social event and you're just whiffing and missing the mark? That's how I feel generally. I'm sure its possible for me to bounce back and find a new normal-but life is so much different. I'm 36 now-and life feels so different from having been 26. I used to feel like slips like this were learning expereinces no big deal-but now that I'm older-it doesnt feel so good I feel like I'm becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be. Like it feels much more serious that what I do determines the kind of person I'm becoming.

I know I need to take some time to renew my sobriety. If I can get 97 days, I can get a streak going with a better recovery plan.

I would love to look back on this five years from now and be like-whoa things are so much better-I'm where I'd like to be in life in ways I'd never dreamed off-and three years from now comfortable and satisfied that I'm making my way towards it as an active participant in that. This year I just want the insanity to slow down to see my options differently see some inspirations.

Sorry and thannks for hearing my long rant. Sexual shame and sexual acting out is so rotten.

 

Thanks guys for your insights and kind words. Today was one of those horrible days where I was embroiled in total guilt and shame, obsessive worry...and had to put on a happy face. I kept telling myself-the cost far outweighs the payoff and just attempted to file this experience in the folder that goes THIS IS THE PAIN THIS CAUSES ME-DOING THIS CAUSES ME TO FEEL THIS PAIN. THIS IS BAD PAIN.

I'm also becoming willing to embrace the good pain of hardmode. I've got to take some steps to deal with things differently-probably in the medication, therapy and recovery areas-but I've got to start consciously putting a day at a time away at this stuff.

It felt so shitty today-I felt so stinking-I felt like my emotions were leaving a stench it felt so awful. Perfectionism is the flipside of acting out so I don't want to go there-but I know I just need to dial this in again. I do have an idea of what works and what helps-but I need to develop a stronger recovery plan around this stuff.

Thank you all so very much.

 

Still looking back to this post-what an incredibly painful awful day. What an awful cocktail of emotions. I thought about it alot and I wonder if this stuff may truly be about an addiction to shame. It's so incredibly negative-but also its like so incredibly powerful. It's so incredibly self-centered-I'm howling out in pain over some really dumb addicted stuff-but its like also-whoa all of the sudden my life is important enough to stop and examine it. It costs me so much life force. It's so incredibly painful and damaging. Prayers for all of us whose sexuality costs us our worth and our sanity. Unbelievable. It was so confusing and awful. I'm convinced now that there is no such think as moral relativism-but there is such a thing as ignorance.

 

Thank you guys so much for the relating. I'm still MO'ing but not P or C. MO'ing leaves me feeling depleted energeticall but not feeling ashamed. I'd like to start winding that down into hard in a little while.

That day was awful. I feel so much calmer and at peace right now-and I'm still all mixed up now. Jesus relative to how I felt last week, this is Zen Enlightenment! HAH!