Hi all, I had 97 days hardmode but lost it a couple weeks ago. I was aware of how I was self-medicating. I lost balance when I got home from a big memorial-got hit by grief and learned about how many different aspects of it are. Was also really hit with how unhappy I am with where I am at in life and aware that heavy changes need to be made. I'm a beginner member of a few 12 Step support groups around sex and relationships and around money. I succumbed to the temptation to fap. It was like the more I was hit with the intensity of the grief and the feeling of unhappiness of where my life is right now-I became more panicky and touched myself to cope-then it became fapping. I went into adult/sex chats and got into situations with people that left me feeling ashamed-I crossed my bottom lines and it feels so shitty. It feels shitty becasue there is no such thing as a secret-I can't keep things a secret from my own conscience. I feel so dirty (I think it comes from the dopamine crash). But I feel so ashamed too. It made me reflect on myself and who I've become in the past few years. Back in 2013-I was a reasonably happy and outgoing person-and then I hit hard times, later on my father and my sister died-my family relationships were never so hot and I became colder and more bitter and unfortunately isolated. It's so painful to see that I might have been more naieve and immature as an adult-I was more socialble and outgoing and willing to connect as best as I could. Now I feel more guarded-my spirit feels lost. You ever have those times where you're at a social event and you're just whiffing and missing the mark? That's how I feel generally. I'm sure its possible for me to bounce back and find a new normal-but life is so much different. I'm 36 now-and life feels so different from having been 26. I used to feel like slips like this were learning expereinces no big deal-but now that I'm older-it doesnt feel so good I feel like I'm becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be. Like it feels much more serious that what I do determines the kind of person I'm becoming. I know I need to take some time to renew my sobriety. If I can get 97 days, I can get a streak going with a better recovery plan. I would love to look back on this five years from now and be like-whoa things are so much better-I'm where I'd like to be in life in ways I'd never dreamed off-and three years from now comfortable and satisfied that I'm making my way towards it as an active participant in that. This year I just want the insanity to slow down to see my options differently see some inspirations. Sorry and thannks for hearing my long rant. Sexual shame and sexual acting out is so rotten.