I Relapsed on a long streak (Day 112) - Here is My Story - Sex, Benefits, Faith, Social Anxiety etc.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Philippian4:13, Apr 5, 2021.

  1. Philippian4:13

    Philippian4:13 Fapstronaut

    I just relapsed after an incredible 112-day streak that changed my life. Here is my story, experience with social anxiety, sex, NoFap Benefits, and reason for joining the NoFap community. This is going to be a long read, but I promise it's worth it.

    I. About Me
    To start I am a 24 yo M and have been watching porn since the tender age of 12. I'm talking multiple times per day, hardcore fetishes, several videos playing on different monitors. You get the idea.

    In my early teens, I lived with my family in Hong Kong, and had tons of friends. I would go out several times a week with large groups of friends and went on dates with many different pretty girls. However, in 2013, my family packed up and moved to Seattle and everything changed.

    Suddenly, as an outgoing 15-year old I had no friends, no girlfriends, nothing. My high school was super cliquey and it took me forever to eventually find a group of friends. Around this time, I started experiencing social anxiety for the first time and it killed me inside. You can guess what happened next...my porn habit spun out of control.

    II. The Addiction
    Fast forward to the beginning of my NoFap journey. By the time I was 22, my social anxiety was horrible. I was self-medicating with weed (and other drugs), actively avoided walking into certain stores, and only hung out with my friends if I was in the right "mood." Even worse, porn, anxiety, and depression were slowly killing my relationships with my own family members.

    III. The Beginning - finding my WHY

    Then one day, my brother came back from a Bible conference and everything changed. He came back with a fire in his eyes and told me that Jesus Christ was going to change my life. (I thought he sounded insane at the time.) This is the point when we both started doing NoFap. (He is now on a year-long hard mode streak.)

    Then, one Sunday morning I remember nearly breaking down in church. No words can describe this experience. This happened right after a long night of debauchery (porn, weed etc...) It was exactly as my brother said. Of course, NoFap is only one small part of my newfound life in Christ. But it was on that exact day that I found my WHY.

    I.V. The Streak

    Fast forward about a year. I had just graduated with my 4-year degree and was struggling to find an entry-level job during the pandemic. I was still struggling with social anxiety. My streaks were nothing special. (14, 30, 20 etc...) Being trapped at home without socializing, made things all the more difficult. However, I had quit weed and really started taking fitness seriously.

    However, one day after a particularly painful week of bingeing, I finally said enough is enough. That was the beginning of my 112-day journey that completely changed my life.
    Here is everything that happened during the streak:
    1. Got an incredible entry-level job that is everything I dreamed of
    2. Moved out of my parent's house into a beautiful apartment
    3. Made ridiculous gains in the gym
    4. Started a FWB relationship with a wonderful woman (however, I recently decided to cut out casual sex)
    5. Rekindled relationships with old friends
    6. Made new friends
    7. Reconciled with my family members
    8. Grew stronger in faith
    Here is a list of benefits I experienced:
    - Increased libido
    - Massively increased motivation and energy
    - Needing much less sleep
    - Improved sleep quality
    - Gained a ton of respect for myself
    - Hugely improved ability to empathize and connect with other people
    - Increased aggression and endurance in the gym
    - Improved memory and focus

    V. The Relapse - Why I decided to join the NoFap community
    Well this morning, on day 112, I work up with a thought. One thing led to another, which led to another, which led to a 2-hour fapping session. It is what it is.

    At first, I felt crushing guilt...desperately watching NoFap videos online to feel better about myself. Then I realized...either I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, or turn this negative experience into something beautiful and positive.

    Hence, I decided today to join the NoFap community. I know that so many people can benefit from hearing this story and I know that we are all on the most incredible self-improvement journey together. I don't know any of you, yet, but after reading your stories, I feel surrounded by an unstoppable army.

    VI. Final Thoughts and Lessons
    Unfortunately my friends, there is no day where you can be 100% free. The cravings will come and go. You will have sex that makes you feel wonderful and you will have sex that makes you feel dead inside. However, the absolutely most important thing I've learned on this journey is to find your WHY. Why are you doing this? For me, it was my faith. For you, it could be something totally different.

    I will conclude by saying this. Yes, I relapsed after 112 incredible days. However, everything I have built during that streak has become a part of who I am. I promise to you all that today will be the beginning of something greater.

    Cheers to all of you. I am going to start posting here weekly. Have a great day, friends.
    luckydog, Moopi, Candun and 3 others like this.
  2. Thank you for your story! I also just joined today after several months of increasing frequency of PMO. Yesterday was my first day in a long time that I went without, and I'm already struggling today. I've found though that reading stories and other people's experiences on here whenever I get the temptations has been helping today. I don't think you should be discouraged by your relapse. You're doing great! Make sure you spend the time to fully rebuild your motivation. You can do this!
    Candun and Indian_0732 like this.
  3. Philippian4:13

    Philippian4:13 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the encouragement. When I started NoFap, I totally thought I could just quite cold turkey and start hitting 90 days streaks. Some people can, but the brain needs a long time to heal. Stay strong, friend! You will probably end up surprising yourself!
    Candun, Indian_0732 and Dr Xero like this.
  4. I hope so! Thank you the encouragement as well! I'm 34 and have had issues since I was 12. For me, quitting nicotine was easier than dropping porn. Surprisingly, in the past my wife hasn't seemed to care that much that I looked at porn as long as it was very infrequent. It's luckily never affected my ability to "perform". About a year ago though my wife needed a medical procedure that's made it nearly impossible for her to enjoy sex (we've had sex maybe 3 times in a year and when we have it's been frustrating for both of us). I know I can't use that as an excuse for my problems getting so much worse, and my heart goes out to her - she deserves better. But it's been difficult for me as well. Before, I was able to go a month here, two months there, etc without, but this year it's been a train wreck - almost everyday, multiple times a day. I just feel like sex is always off the table and that it may never even happen again and so I justify the porn. But, the porn is destroying me, and my relationship is falling apart, so I know I need to drop it for good, but it also might mean pretty much an end to anything sex-related in my life. I guess I just need to come to terms with that and think of my wife's wellbeing ahead of my own. It's hard though man.
    Candun and Indian_0732 like this.
  5. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

    i want to warn you, not being a negative ones here but u will feel great chaser effect

    for the sake of love please bear with it do not fall for the second one

    i once fall from a great streak and look at me today its hard for just 7 days
  6. Philippian4:13

    Philippian4:13 Fapstronaut

    Wow. That is such a tough situation and so different to what I am going through. Congratulations on putting yourself out there and choosing to put an end to this disease! Does your wife know about this struggle?
    Indian_0732 and Dr Xero like this.
  7. I confessed to her a few years ago (we've been married for 12 years) as well as when we were dating. Surprisingly she most recently didn't get too upset and basically told me she wished I would "just stop" but if I absolutely had to look at porn, then to "keep it to a minimum and only look at the free stuff". She herself had a little problem with porn for a few years before we were married but she kicked it pretty easily after we met. I don't think she understood why it's so hard for me. At least she's patient with me.

    I have kept things secret from her recently, partly because I feel like telling her again isn't going to help (it didn't last time) and because she's had a really rough year I don't feel like I should pile more stuff on her. I love her to death, but things around here are pretty depressing. I think it will help if I can try to be less selfish and ditch the porn though.
    Philippian4:13 and Indian_0732 like this.
  8. OhWhenThe

    OhWhenThe Fapstronaut

    Sounds like getting the job was the catalyst for everything else but I'm sure nofap helped too.
    Philippian4:13 likes this.
  9. Hustler19

    Hustler19 Fapstronaut

    Thanks dude it's really inspiring to know this story, masturbating with or without porn just gives me guilt and wastes my time thinking about it. It also reduces my focus to hardly 10 mins so even I've decided to take this step. But how do you manage to stay away from porn and defeat those cravings
  10. Philippian4:13

    Philippian4:13 Fapstronaut

    Awesome man. That's great that she has been so understanding about it. You can definitely get through this.

    Something that has been invaluable for me is opening up about my addiction with one or two people in my life who have been accountability partners for me. I have software installed on my personal devices, which is impossible to uninstall and takes random screenshots and emails them to my accountability partners every day. (It blurs text, so they cant see my bank info.)

    Now I'm super aware of even little things that I search for, so that way I'm not worried about meeting with my accountability partner and being embarassed.
    FX-05 and Dr Xero like this.
  11. Philippian4:13

    Philippian4:13 Fapstronaut

    It's going to take time to defeat this addiction, and you are going to learn so much about yourself in the process. Congratulations on starting your journey. I had a really good discussion with another PMO addict recently, who said something very helpful for me. He said that pornography is not the problem, but only a symptom of a greater problem in your life.

    You've got to figure out why are you are doing this and commit to it 100%. Also, figure out what the problem is (lack of confidence, escapism, depression) and figure out how to face that problem head-on. When you take steps to defeat demons in your life, in conjunction with fighting your porn addiction, you will become a brand new person.
    Dr Xero and Hustler19 like this.
  12. Thanks man! It's one of the reasons I joined - I think just having more who understand these addictions will help. The act of both getting and giving support is a powerful thing.
  13. Philippian4:13

    Philippian4:13 Fapstronaut

    After my relapse, I've been struggling way more to get back on track. Want to be accountability partners? I can check in with you in the morning/evening, whenever you are struggling.
  14. That sounds great! I'm new to the site so ... how do we do this? Do we just use the forum or is there some other feature for accountability partners?

    Hang in there man. Getting back on track after a relapse has been the hardest thing for me in the past. I came across a quote I like that's lent me some inspiration:

    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Khalil Gibran
    Philippian4:13 likes this.
  15. CJ_16b

    CJ_16b Fapstronaut

    With Relapses and avoiding them, routine is key especially avoiding triggers and having counters in place when sexual thoughts come forward.

    1. 7/11 breathing
    Take in a deel breath through diaphram for 7 seconds and release puahing out for 11. Works wonders anytime you have an urge.

    2. Pushups/excercise
    Adding some sort of physical fitness to your daily routine is great. You can also drop and do 10-20 pushups anytime you feel an urge. Or do a few before bed and in the morning. Excercise always manages to reduce the urge.

    3. Cold showers
    These will be ungodly when for the first few but the benefits are crazy. Theyll definitely inhibit your urges.

    4. Get an AP
    Anytime you feel an urge, reach out to someone and explain the situation. Im always open and available if you need someone to contact.

    Lastly, quitting PMO has to be the main priority of your lifestyle. PMO has already been one of the main parts of your lifestyle so quitting it should take over as well.

    Recovery is #1
    Philippian4:13 and Dr Xero like this.

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