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I relapsed yet again

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by m13579, Jun 19, 2022.

  1. m13579

    m13579 Fapstronaut

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    • Hey fellow Fapstronauts, sorry english is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes. I relapsed again. I have been almost clear of HOCD for the past few months. My story is like everyone else. I started porn young, looking at vanilla then Escalated to lesbian then gay! I am so not gay im sure man i do not feel any emotional connection to men whatsoever in real life. When porn however it seems like i get horny feelings over penis. But that was out of the way for the past year as ive been on nofap and was able to clear my mind the past few months and even managed to hookup with a few girls and was hard and horny for them. I do not get hocd thought when im with women. For the past few months i have been watching vanilla porn on and off (i know its wrong) and got desensitized yet again. Today i had a gay dream and freaked out. Opened up gy porn… did not get hard. I then kept obsessing all day until i landed on a gay chatroom and literally masturbating felt like a chore or like i was taking revenge on myself idk what the fuck i was doing and i masturbated and came to other men’s penises multiple times during the day. Post nut clarity is fucking me over like wtf is this and after i cum i feel like shit i feel like im taking a path i cannot go back from and its not how i wanna live (behind a screen) i wanna be the best masculine version of myself and have a wife and kids. I LOVE WOMEN. And im not just saying that i literally felt it so many times before but i dont know what to do now with all the negative thoughts i have. I need to start over and trust in the process and commit this time. Stay strong kings and please leave me a comment with your thoughts. I will not even ask if you think im in denial because im positive that im not. I know myself. Im a masculine, sometimes even a toxic masculine and i fucking love it and fucking love women. Please give me any comments from experience and motivate me through this ugly relapse
     
  2. Jiminy Cricket

    Jiminy Cricket Fapstronaut

    Hi, thanks for sharing and for being here. Your English is absolutely fine.

    I'm sure you can get over this! But I also realized that sometimes if I really don't want to look at something specific, another part of my mind wants exactly that thing. Do you recognize this?

    You say you are positively not gay. I believe that. You also say a gay dream sort of freaked you out. Did you doubt your sexuality at that time?

    I've had my own struggles with excalation, not with gay porn, although I did also have a gay dream at some point. Was a strange moment, but I just concluded the mind can do some unexpected stuff. Also I thought that maybe people can be 99.9% straight yet still 0.1% gay, or something like that. Or just temporarily a bit bisexual. If that were me I'd be fine with it. Because that still wouldn't mean I'd want a relationship with a man or actual sex with them, for those thoughts don't resonate with me. Just like you may be 0.1% attracted to a certain woman doesn't mean you will want to do anything with them.

    I think it starts with self-acceptance of whatever dreams or porn invoked desires we have. To see what happened as it actually was. Not to deny it or fight it. That doesn't mean that those desires you had will forever stay or define who you are. Quite the opposite in my experience.
     

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