I seem to communicate in a very wrong way

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Svabo, Apr 8, 2018.

  1. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I just can't figure it out what I do while communicating with people but every suggests that I do it wrong. I always get the negative response from people and I really don't know why.
    When communicating with males, I'm either the one pushed aside and if I say something it usually gets ignored or belittled. It really shows up if the company of males more masculine like after a basketball. Also it that kind of company if I say something remotely funny, it more often than not gets ridiculed. And if I try to hold my stance and become more serious, it either get ignored or challenged in a way that other side no matter how bad their arguments are, just don't want to accept my view, like they try to defy me on purpose.
    When communicating with average males I do get the attention and people do listen to me but i see that I'm not most wanted company and usually all of my relationships with men are kept by me. And people do like to have me around because I' reliable but not to hang around with.

    But the real problem are the women: I just do something very wrong while communicating with them. It really shows on social networks and forums where I just can't get them interested in me. I'm open person and I'm not afraid to say my point of view on the subject and argument it and I think that it maybe shows like I try to hard on stuff generally. I do like to pinpoint on the detail what I consider important for the subject but I just can't believe that that maybe the problem because that would mean that most of other people are superficial? I really don't know...

    Example:
    A while ago while chatting on one general forum, one girl recognized my fetish and was willing to chat with me on private and she sent me few of her fetish related pics but didn't want anything else because I was married at the time. Because I was really happy to find an open minded female on the subject, I tried to broaden the subject and asked her few questions which she didn't answer. Now, few months after, I've messaged her politely saying that she left an impression on me and that I'm now free and would like to meet her in person because I've never met a woman in RL that was so relaxed talking on the fetish topics and said it isn't a sexual driven meeting, I just want to meet a person with that mindset. She rejected me saying that she doesn't remember me with good feeling and she'll pass

    Now I don't get it: if I have pushed the subject in a sexual way, it usually leads to the point where I seam superficial and I don't care for her as a person, and if I do it other way around I become some weirdo who wants to talk about subject whe maybe is not so confident about in RL?

    Or am I getting something very very wrong here?
    What should I have done that would maybe result in her being interested in me?
     
    Dron likes this.
  2. I don't know. Was it a sex related forum you were chatting on?

    You do seem focused on the sex part of any interaction. :D Maybe you could try changing your expectations or something.

    Regarding talking to men, they can be a bit competitive with anything. If your discussions are debates and they're not intellectual guys then they're not going to accept your side and forfeit the debate. That's the problem with informal discussions that are really debates. There's no umpire and no one keeping the score or declaring the winner.

    Are you maybe trying too hard to be accepted by all these people?
     
  3. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    well, I do try but what is "too hard"? I mean if i don't try at all, no one will call me. I tried that multiple times, I have rule with people "I'll call you three times and if you don't call me afterwards, well goodbye forever". A lot of people left my life that way and I think that rule is pretty loose, some people won't call you after you don't respond for first time...
    I don't know, I'm introvert but really would like to hang out more with people if they would let me :/

    EDIT:
    there was one pretty obvious fu*ked up situation for me with guys from basketball: a guy was talking how they've spent weekend playing Magic the gathering cards. And I stated that "omg, you ppl play that? I wanted to play it with someone but I didn't know anyone who plays". Well, he didn't invite me but after few basketball sessions was talking again with his friend how they had great weekend playing.
    I could have tried to invite myself on his MTG party but that's just humiliating after I've stated that I would really like to play
     
  4. Patrick Mattisson

    Patrick Mattisson Fapstronaut

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    Hmm, I feel some shocking similiarities and it ain´t fun. I see your point and it´s hard to be rational to oneself and I think it´s good to look for advice here. Even though I find myself in the same place with having male people not really respecting you and people maybe not put you in high esteem. My strategy has been semi-rejecting people, self fulfillment and being a bit ego and that hasn´t worked out really good aswell. I haven´t gotten more respected and I´m not enjoying it more so I wouldn´t pick up on that. What I believe is to work on being stronger socially and daring in social situations, this is something I´m working on and it strengthens me and my self esteem. Im an introvert aswell and have some social anxieties, by challenging these lighten things up I feel. Hard and challenging, but in moderation it´s a good exercise and develops oneself. What do you think? Am I totally missing your point? In that case I´m sorry :)
     
    Svabo likes this.
  5. Who knows man. I'm probably the worst person to be answering these. People are always asking me to social things. I always say no. :D

    Maybe instead of trying, relax and let it happen naturally, organically.
     
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  6. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I'm trying that but it feels kind of weird, like i'm forcing it. For example, I've joined some groups on meetup web. Its pure gold to force myself into social situations and because everyone is new, I can be whoever I want it to be. So I'm myself in full and it feels like super weird, like I'm taking up all the space because I engage in conversation, use every trick of small chat, trying to show myself as helpful but not pushy, like "here, I know and can do stuff and you just have to ask". I was only once on every meeting so maybe it's to early to judge situation, but first response of people towards me is just "polite". I dunno, maybe I'm to open for people in general, maybe I want to much.
    Problem is that I've been going on basketball for two years now and still those people don't respond very friendly towards me, few do just in polite manners, but no one isn't like "hey man, lets go grab a drink!". Others have firm stance like "that dude from basketball"
    Well, I don't believe it will happen by itself because it there was any chance of happening that way, it would happen no matter of my interference, right? And it doesn't...
    From my experience till now, I have to fight for every f... thing in life, nothing was served to me and I had to invest a whole lot of energy to get this far
     
    MasterGamer likes this.
  7. Patrick Mattisson

    Patrick Mattisson Fapstronaut

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    I see your point. Now Im gonna try being very rational and practical. I believe this has to do with self love and feeling self respect, which I believe comes from engaging in fears and confronting your core self, whatever that is. What I mean is that if you feel contempt, other peoples judgment doesnt have as much impact - but all this we already know right? I would suggest that you investigate this closely because an unafraid person in the world has more control over his/her feelings which is essential when engaging in relationships. I have not seen it yet, but it feels really logical and that is my pursuit right now, exposing myself socially because of my social anxiety. You might not have social anxiety but it´ll strengthen you maybe? :)
     
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  8. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I understand what you are trying to say but there's only one problem: it seams that everyone except me has that figured out, like everyone is superhuman with every field of psychology covered. And that is far from reality. In RL most of ppl are self centered uninteresting humans who only think how to eat, sleep and have sex.
    So my question is: how come it works for everybody except me?

    Also one funny thing is that every time I get something figured out, it is one step after when it had to happen. For example when I was teenager, I was very mature thinking and when I figured out that I was to boring for normal teenager, everybody became more mature so there was no point to become immature. Same now, when everybody my age has got their sh*t figured out and aren't so open to new people, I figure out that maybe I would need to be more open and friendly...
    I dunno, maybe I'm the dumbest man in my area/country
     
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  9. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    I am not a life coach, but I stayed in a Holiday Inn last night :D ( American Joke)

    I think most people at some times in their lives go thru similar instances and find it odd how they are excluded.
    To be quite honest I think it is they that have the issues, look at the people getting all the attention.
    Those people are often more narcissistic then others and work very hard to keep the focus on their topic.
    I don't tend to care much what others think about me other then my family. But when I go do stuff in the world
    I have found key things that get me attention sometimes unwanted. a Couple tips that you may or may not want to do.

    1. See how others dress and dress better, especially for the ladies if any will be there.
    2. Don't talk allot of what your part is in a conversation talk about their part. Its a good way especially if you are the new guy is emphasize on the leaders ability in that group. Dogs do this as well they pay respect by allowing the pack leader to allow them a comment or too . Not saying its right but is how people mingle.
    3. That game you asked about you could have also said something about the game or asked them a question about it rather then putting focus on your part in the conversation.
    4. Maybe stop being the reliable guy, ever see a late arrival to the function or game they get the attention as long as it snot too late where you are annoying.
    5. Women not claiming to no anything lol, but being married 30 years I know women love hearing about hair especially from men, as men usually say women have great eyes but they have heard it 1000 times, but if you like their hair then tell them event comment on their shoes. Why? These are two things women will spend the most amount of time working on and you noticing helps, but only if you are being honest or it sounds like a line.
    6. Keep the conversation going, the more you ask questions instead of stating your own facts you will keep a person engaged and they will see your interest.
    Just some thoughts, nope not a life coach lol just some thoughts maybe they will help.
     
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  10. This may be part of the problem. Maybe try and become interested in them. They probably don't just think about those things. One of the tricks of conversation is to be genuinely interested in something the other person is interested in. Trying to mirror their style, body language, tone of voice, etc is supposed to help.

    There are some YouTubes around about becoming better at social interactions. The Charisma Matrix seems to be okay, and not trying to sell anything.

    It's very hard to know what, or if, you're doing anything wrong without being an objective observer of you in a social situation. They are too complex to explain in a message board post. Could be anything. Have you got a real life friend you can ask? Maybe someone you met on your Mankind project thing?
     
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  11. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I think that this is my mayor problem: while being scared and introvert whole my life, I've developed and learned some great stuff (I'm not bragging, that's just a fact) and being a reliable guy, I just want to share it with others so that we all have better lives (and with side effect of them liking me better). And that's why I always tend to talk about my experience in the subject. Seams I just have to stop doing that and start to remember what others say about them...
     
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  12. Toomuchh

    Toomuchh Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you shouldn't feel entitled to how people treat you. They don't owe it to you to ask to get a drink. They don't owe it to you to act like you're some amazing person they're all starving to be friends with. It's kinda weird you want to get a drink with them, and you don't ask, but expect them to ask you instead. Maybe you already burned those bridges, and the fact you can't recognize it and move on makes things awkward for them. Maybe you are cold and standoffish so they don't think you would want to. Maybe they don't like you. There are so many reasons why they wouldn't ask, so maybe instead of wondering you ask and find out.

    Most people have to fight for things in their life, not just you.

    You have a big ego, and act like you are humble. People probably don't like that.

    Honestly I feel like you have your head up your ass. I get the feeling you think you're different from regular people, and that makes you special, better than the rest.

    Sorry I'm so mean, but you remind me of how I used to be. I was pretty narcissistic while thinking I was putting everyone else before me. I would think things like, if I treat this stranger well, he owes it to me to treat me nice back. But that's not how the world works. I shouldn't take it personally if they don't treat me like I'm Jesus. Sometimes people have bad days and get rude for no reason, not because of what you did. It took me awhile to figure out I had a big ego. I made everything about me without realizing it.

    Nothing is more unappealing than someone who is self-absorbed.
     
    Svabo likes this.
  13. Have you ever thought that maybe your understanding of a better life is not universal? Maybe something else works better for them? It sounds like you are trying way too hard to get liked and when you start talking about your "experience in the subject" you just come off as bragging. No hate, just what I think.
     
    Svabo likes this.
  14. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    You aren't mean at all, I really apriciate your critic and it does sound true. Could you describe how did you manage to beat your ego?
     
  15. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    But, others are judgemental too, others aren't perfect. That was the sole reason I started my solo jurney, to try to be a better person. In the end it led me to isolation and realisation that basicly no one tries to be a better person and yet they live happier lives.
    Im so dissapointed now: whats the purpose of this nofap if it still wont help me more socially engaged? I mean who cares, right? It all comes down to pure luck: it's no good if you try but also it's no good if you don't. Whats the point then? I know no one is universably likable but hey, I'm not asking to become Bono/Drake popular, just to be accepted. Is that to much to ask? Yea, why would I think that I'm entitled to anything but yet, why wouldn't I entitle myself? Most of people do it and they are happy. This fu* journey to be a better person only granted me suffering in this life :((((
     
  16. I find social situations hard as well, in fact very hard. What I try to do is read. Try this website https://www.artofmanliness.com/ . It's about how to be a man. The music you listen to has an influence too.
     
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  17. Have you asked yourself why exactly you want to be a better person? Also, why do you want to be accepted? Find your own circle? We associate with people who we share common interests with.
     
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  18. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    Answer is: I don't want to be alone, I have so much love to give and I really love physical contact. The usual...
    I'm intovert but I like people if they are good natured. I wrote on other topic about Mankind project. They really made me feel welcome and like true part of a whole. I really think they will be right path for me that will lead into new and great friendships and therefor into happier and more fulfilling life
     
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  19. If that's you in your avatar you also get some sun. It will improve your complexion and the vitamin D will turn that sad face into a happy one. :D
     
  20. It seems like you have to learn to love yourself first. You say you have "so much love to give". How can you give love if you don't love yourself? Where will you take that love from? I recommend a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy, I forgot the name of the author. However, everything I said might not be true for you. If you think this project can help you, go ahead. I have also found that physical activity elevates me. Consider that.
     
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