I seem to communicate in a very wrong way

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Svabo, Apr 8, 2018.

  1. Toomuchh

    Toomuchh Fapstronaut

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    I don't understand how you end up with the realization that basically no one tries to be a better person and yet they live happier lives. Do you think you're the only person in the world who has problems? Why don't you take any ownership for your life vs blaming it on luck. Just because you tried and failed, doesn't mean other people who have tried also failed.

    About the ego thing, I just own up to it now. Everyone has flaws, it's normal. It doesn't make me better or worse. I also stopped comparing myself to other people. It's helped to tone down how big my ego was, and has given me the chance to appreciate other people and be interested in them. I try to be mindful that I can be self-absorbed at times to catch myself. These things don't have quick fixes.
    Part of it was also when I was doing a lot of drugs that it gave me a weird perspective on the world. I was ungrounded and paranoid. Being clean has sobered my head, I don't know if you abuse alcohol or weed, but that could also affect you negatively.

    I think you have a warped view of reality. It's really bitter and resentful. You sound jealous and envious. In your mind it's like everyone else isn't trying and get to be happy, and you're trying so hard and aren't happy. It's the world that's wrong and not me. TBH you sound like you just look for convenient scapegoats. It rubs me the wrong way that you think you're the only person in the world who struggles, and that everyone else had a free pass. The truth is other people struggle and work hard to get where they are too. This is what I mean by you have your head so far up your ass you can't see the world. Why does your tone imply that you're the only one who works hard.

    Change sounds easy, but it's hard to follow through on. I seriously think you need to take time to reflect on yourself. Obviously there is some kind of thought pattern that is toxic in you that isn't helping you succeed the way you want to.
     
  2. Maybe you are ugly as fuck ? Or have bad breath ? Or stink ? Or maybe you consider yourself a pussy. Stand a man bro, do what your heart feels to do and dont care about other people. Just be fucking tough so people automagically will gather around you and listen to.
     
  3. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    Well, i think that toxic part of me is coward who wants the results now based on the effort invested in past but which wasn't invested enough outwards. When I'm weak, I tend to blame the world and not my incopetence, now I can see that clearly. After todays session with brothers from Mankind project I've realised that I don't have boundaries and that I give my energy for free and expect others to give me something back. Well, I've realised energy is expensive and I have to trade with it for others no matter if I have aboundance of it.
    In other words I need to start to valuate myself if I want to be valued by others
     
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  4. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much! I just started to read it and this book describes me 100%!
     
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  5. I read some of that too. Doesn't quite describe me, but I could probably learn a thing or two from it.
     
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  6. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I've read a half of the book.
    I've realized that I was for the most of my life a nice guy, but that changed in one period and I become more self oriented but then I relapsed into nice guy once I started with my marriage. My ex was (is) very toxic person, very needy and also a female "nice guy". She does all the stuff that nice guys do but boils inside herself and thinks that people should be grateful to her for forcing her attention on people. And it triggered a nice guy in me and I tried to please her instead of ending that relationship a long time ago. Now after we broke I feel much more confident and only in moments of weakness do I feel like nice guy again. I have insomnia caused by nofap so I feel stressed and with low moral at the times and I recognize that those are times when I feel like nice guy again even it is not true. Just this resolution that I'm guy who does not masturbate proves that I'm not a nice guy anymore. I'm better person who takes care of him self first
    Also I was thinking about basketball guys: only guy that plays MTG game actually bothers me and I've inflated the problem like it's all the guys, but real truth is that I haven't really tried to make connection with anyone else so I have exactly as much I've investedAnd that guy actually is egocentric and would probably be a weak friend, he only acts like cool guy. For instance, his wife cheated on him and also he gave everything to her without a fight. When I think about it, I like his "cool guy act" but he is just a regular flawed guy and I don't need his approval in my life, in fact I'm way better than him
     
  7. Lonewolfpt

    Lonewolfpt Fapstronaut

    "but he is just a regular flawed guy and I don't need his approval in my life, in fact I'm way better than him"

    Why are you saying that you are better than him? Everyone is different, you havent been in his shoes , and you might think that you are better than him but its really subjective. In which standards are you better? People are different, not better or worse
     
  8. Somnambulist

    Somnambulist Fapstronaut

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    Some of the best advice I was ever given was "take an interest in other people".

    Recently, I had a friend confess that when we first met, he thought I was conceited. We're friends now because he could see that it wasn't necessarily the case, it's just a matter of their perception of how I acted towards people. Another friend said that his parents didn't like me because I wasn't friendly. Another, with a girl I was trying to be friends with, thought I was just another guy who was hanging out with her because she seemed easy.

    The truth is that, while my intentions were mostly pure, I had a habit of presenting myself in ways that weren't beneficial. In some instances, I was comparing myself to them, wanting to be better than how I perceived them. In others, I ignored them because interacting with them wouldn't benefit me; either because they weren't my friends or because I didn't particularly want anything from me.

    The thing you have to understand is that people are actually receptive to these attitudes, even if you think it's too subtle to notice. Thinking about how you're better than someone is going to come off as standoffish, regardless of how hard you try to hide it. The fact of the matter is that you don't know these people well enough to clearly judge them. You don't know their circumstances. They have flaws, just as you do (you're here on a self-help site, so you must have acknowledged your shortcomings). A quote that I live by is one by Blaise Pascal: "I do not admire the excess of some one virtue unless I am shewn at the same time the excess of the opposite virtue. A man does not prove his greatness by standing at an extremity, but by touching both extremities at once and filling all that lies between them."

    The solution is to genuinely take an interest in these people. The key is to be genuine about it, really, truly put in an effort. Try to interact with them on their level instead of looking down on them. After all, if they weren't flawed, they wouldn't be human. No one sets out to be flawed, everyone does their best with what they're given. Turns out, flaws are what make people interesting.
     
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  9. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I understand what you are trying to say.
    In my case circle goes like this: when I take interest in someone, I beome a nice guy to him/her and try to solve their problems expecting that we have untold agreement that they will be nice towards me. In RL it always backfires and I get disappointed in ppl because they almost always try to leech you energy if you share it. Like 99% of people I know are leeches and I remove them from my life. It is some kind of "a nice guy that doesn't care if he gets liked" scenario in my case
     
  10. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    Because I'm honest in my intentions and plays "I don't give a sh*t" important cool guy that is actually flawed under surface. He's the one being unfriendly. And not only he, a lot if people are like this, at least in my country: they hang out in very close circles and if someone from outside wants to approach, it's like a standard to reject him unless a pack leader approvers. And this guy is definitely a pack leader.
    I see that this my problem is caused by my disgust with authority. My faher was very authoritive person but abused his authority to disgrace and shame me. I strongly believe that world should have enlighted anarchy system as way of rule where every body are equal. I see that this confronts regularly with that kind of pack mentality which guys like to hold on to...
    In Mankind projest meeting, I've met a guy that travels a lot and has friends everywhere. And I admire how openminded he is, it was no difficult at all to become a friend with him because hes borders were firm but welcoming. Not like this "cool" guys whose are invisible and unfriendly. So why should I care about him when he is protecting his flawed life with a mask of beeing cool? Thats why I think I'm better than him - I try to do something about it (even, I do realise that comparison is very counter productive and that I should just don't care about him now when I realised that I dislike him as a person)
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2018
  11. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I've started practice advices from the book and results are incredible! My self-esteem grows like crazy! And now can I realize that I'm criticising myself due possible faliure, so when I do it I can stop myself! It works incredible! Yesterday on basketball I've made a lot of small talk with guys and all of the responses were very positive. Also today I've started a conversation with female colleague from work which I wanted to get to know but didn't know how and we ended taking about 10min and she wants to gang out more at work
    In-fu*-credible steps for me!
     
  12. Lonewolfpt

    Lonewolfpt Fapstronaut

    Because of the book?
     
  13. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    Yea, because of the book. Book was (is) my mirror and the recipe is just not to do what you see is wrong. just that, plain and simple. I started with those small things and stuff around me just started to roll out by them self. I know it sounds like "ok, but you just made few small talk" and yea, it is that "small" but in my case that is like HUGE!
    As I've watched in one YT video about approaching ppl and starting small talk: everybody like to feel interesting and important and the key is that you just have to let them. And that is true also in my case: I also like to feel interesting and important BUT error is to try to force it on others, instead I just should have shown a slight interest in others and they in return show interest in me. It's that simple
     
  14. Sight

    Sight Fapstronaut

    Quick chime in:
    Consider supplementing what you are doing with some short meditation practices. I am basically a broken record repetitively giving this idea again and again, but it does help both with self-compassion and empathy for others, so it might enhance your social interactions down the line.

    Other than that, you seem to have capacity for self-reflection and are actually trying shiz, and I get the whole being surprised and enjoying small talk due to not having previous experience with it, so good on ya for that! *brofists*
    Just..give it time, and if you screw up, be ready to learn from it and forgive yourself for it.

    Take care :)
     
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  15. immadothis

    immadothis Fapstronaut

    do them steps 1)stop being needy, 2)don't give a shit about them, you should be giving a shit about yourself
    3) try to improve yourself, make goals and go towards them and everything will automatically come, friends, girls etc, they should not be your main objectif and talking to people, you learn it eventually, I think just don't talk to them if you can't or practise, but most if the time, you should just say bullshit and you be fine, don't overthink it, think if something that you like, and talk about that, I like food so I be like, what you have eat for breakfast lol, because I wanna know what they ate, so I can learn, talk for your own benefits, milk them people and come on top
     
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  16. immadothis

    immadothis Fapstronaut

    show interest in them, or just don't show interest in them, show your energy that you get from nofap and when you don't care about them, eventually they will care about you, this is the weirdest game
     
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  17. immadothis

    immadothis Fapstronaut

    try doing stand up comedy and talk about your fetish there, try comedy bro, when you say it in a funny way you can't become a weirdo, but there is this rule, 1) never try being funny and don't tell anyone your funny, so this doesn't come, 'your not funny', you be like, I wasn't trying to be funny, you feel me
     
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  18. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for advice!
    I've tried meditation but obviously I need to try it further because I've realized that I can't hold attention for to long. I've realized that by practicing healthy masturbation (masturbating without using your imagination or any external or internal stimuli, just to focus on the feeling that masturbating produces but without the goal of achieving orgasm) - even it feels good, I just can't focus to long on that feeling and by mind starts to race elswhere so I loose my erection

    But I've remembered why I don't like the game of picking up chicks: you have to know where to pick them and how in that specific environment.
    Yesterday I gave myself an assignment: I'll go to three bars/clubs and try in each to pick up at least one girl. So first was bar:small bar, shitty to loud electronic music, not a lot of people and majority of people hanging out in packs and enjoying their pack company. I was at the bar and waiting for the place to get filled up with more free girls but being so small space and with specific theme, it didn't fill up very much. So then some guy from Canada started to talk to me but in a non sexual way. He was just seeking for someones company. So we talked and I've also tied to checked out chicks. There just on my other side three girls sanded and one checked me out but didn't signal anything. So I waited a bit and then she checked me again but also without any signal, more in that a "I'm interested way". So I gave it a try and tried to talk to her: to break up the tension, first thing I've asked was her to smile. She was confused but smiled as I've smiled at her. So it worked perfectly and then I tried to talk to her, but the was so cold and uninterested. I used all those questions in way that she can't answer pure yes or no, but she never the less answered each one short, like "what's the most interested country you traveled to and why" and she was like "Columbia. I don't know". So after few min of trying to talk, when I've lost any idea what to talk about, I just gave up and turned back to my Canadian friend.
    Not long after I decided to leave the bar and go to the other club and he wanted to go also so we went together. He was very friendly and unburdened guy with attitude "if a life trows me a rock, hell, I'll take it!". Very positive
    In second club-bar there were a lot of women but all were cocky. It is that kind of a place where people go when they want to be seen and not to dance or have fun. I've never been there before so I didn't know how it will be. Even I'm good looking and was perfect for the location, I just can't handle the mentality of those kind of places.
    So we ordered a drink and talked, so I've noticed that there was a girl at the bar talking with her friend like she is very interested in the talk. She was surrounded by men and in really not so good place to make a move. She made an eye contact with me for few times but also in "I've seen you but I'm not so interested way". But because it happened like 4 or 5 times
    I decided to try to pick her up anyway and went to her and introduced myself. Because she was talking with her friend, I've asked them both if they would join me and my friend. She politely refused as she wanted to talk with her friend...
    So I went to my new friend and talked with him for a while and realized I really don't like the vibe of the place, like all the women there knew they were hot and I felt that everyone of them knew I was on the hunt (not a big place, around 30 people, everyone in packs) and non of them wanted to be hunted, they just wanted to show them self at that place. I lost the will to proceed and just wanted to go home. It was almost 1AM

    I'll do the experiment probably next weekend but in the club where more relaxed people hang out and which is themed, like some band performance. I just feel so demoralized by cocky women who act uninterested and that is my worst nightmare about picking up women in general
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2018
  19. I don't know, but to me it sounds like you were behaving like a pick-up artist when you talked to that first girl. It was sooo obvious that you were trying to pick her up from what you said that it was probably cringy and creepy. However, you tried and this is what is important. I am in no way Casanova, but from what I have heard, read, and experienced, you have to go and not think of anything sexual when you are talking to them. Just shut it off completely. Don't think about sex. Don't expect sex. Not even a kiss. I also advise you not to watch those pick-up videos on YouTube and don't read anything written from PUA. It's all fake in my opinion. The best advice you can get is here in this forum as it will be related to YOUR situation and YOU as a person in recovery. Or read the Red Pill forums, but be careful with that as they can be rather extreme in their views sometimes. Again, I suck at interacting with women and I am not the most competent person.
     
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  20. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I agree that it was probably obvious but I disagree that it was creepy: I mean, it was a Sunday night at the bar, wtf girl should expect than that someone is trying to pick her up, that's why she came there. She was just very uptight and I actually didn't like her, just wanted to train my skills

    Also, I've noticed one funny thing that probably has something to do with my looks: I'm a very good looking guy, face a bit like Josh Hartnet, and I've noticed that girls at bars always act all bitchy when I approach. I remember a long time ago that one girl who I've dated for a month, said she didn't want to date me because she tough I was playboy and would only like to take advantage of her, but her friends talked her out of it so she gave it a try with me. I was like "wow, I just want some girl attention". She was 6/10, so it's not like I try on super hot women. Now years after, I'm even better looking so I think a lot of girls are scared of me so they start to act all bitchy, and I, as I don't what to do and if it is actually true, tend to just let go. What else should I do?
     

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