I seem to communicate in a very wrong way

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Svabo, Apr 8, 2018.

  1. immadothis

    immadothis Fapstronaut

    try morgan freemans method, don't chase them, let them chase you
     
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  2. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    hehehe, well, yea... that's me by default. But in my country women don't chase men because they are scared of being declared as a sluts by their pack.
    But I'll definitely try that one time: just to be there uninterested and see what happens
     
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  3. candarraus

    candarraus Fapstronaut

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    I am kind of curious as to why you strayed from your wife? I know I don't know the whole story but was this due to you feeling you couldn't pursue your fetishes or talk about them with her? If that's the case you should have let her know before hand what was going on if you loved her. I hear alot of men with fetishes say oh I went to porn or cheating because my wife didn't understand me. Well did you give her that opportunity to understand you or did you never push the subject? In my own personal experiences my husband took a long time to come clean about his fetishes even after he did and I engaged in then he still went to porn. Because I didn't like it enough or I didn't keep pushing far enough into extreme forms of sex play or because of the simple fact I wanted to just have low key sex sometimes. The problem with that is you should understand every person has their own limits or sexual preferences that doesn't make them not understanding. Just because someone doesn't get off to the same things in the same way or likes other things doesn't mean they dont care to please you. The openness from your partner should be enough and if they compromise and set boundaries that isn't a really good reason to leave someone especially if you truly love them. People are too selfish when it comes to sex and that really puts a damper on building a relationship with anyone. Its okay to have different tastes as long as there is compromise it's no excuse to cheat or run to porn.
     
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  4. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I've opened to my wife to maximum. She knew all of my sexual desires and only full filled my fetish because it was the easiest to full fill (aka she wan't prone to invest more energy into our sex life). Problem is that she was the one who never opened. I had to pull out of her her desires. And my conclusion after all those years is that she didn't have any desires, she was sexually empty and uninteresting. She had phobia of sexual diseases. For example, I proposed numerous times that we go have sex outside on the blanked somewhere on the meadow. She refused because, like our hands will be dirty and we will be touching our genitalia with them... every bit of spice in our sex life was introduced by me. Over the years, I've encouraged her to be sex goddess she wishes to be, anything she wants. So she bought a leather whip. I sad ok, let see. So only once she spanked me a bit, just a bit and then laid on the bead and wanted me to start to f... her. I was like "that's it? wtf!".
    But funny thing is that she enjoyed touching herself alone under she shower because she was doing that from times she was teenager. I tried to take advantage of those kind of situations but she would turn me down get pissed on me so I stopped to try to interfere while she was doing it. Also, of all sexual toys she liked the bunny vibe the most and also would touch herself with it but wouldn't like to givme me to join...
    Also, she was never there in sex with me, she was always in imagination. like always! Not a once she would come to me and try to conquer me or to enjoy me, or to really want to suck my really nice penis

    Now I understand she had "mr. nice guy" mentality, same as I. We were two dysfunctional persons. And believe me, as a "nice guy" I've invested a whole sh*t load of my energy in that relationship and she spent it all on her depression and dysfunctional relationships with her "friends" (she was making female friends fairly easily, but those relations had maybe a year or two lifespan because of her)

    All in all, it was ours both mistake and we just put up with each other because we were to scared of being alone if we would break up
     
  5. immadothis

    immadothis Fapstronaut

    hopefully you learned from this, take the lesson , it's like a relapse, they both hurt
     
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  6. candarraus

    candarraus Fapstronaut

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    Well it does sound like you both had your own individual problems. I do think she had her own issuesshe needed to work on but something you said kind of made me wonder. You talked about how she would engage in certain things but not to the fullest or to the way you like them. Do you ever wonder if possibly having this idealistic expectation of someone when it comes to sex is unrealistic? Porn kind of teaches people there are no boundaries or limits to what people can do it also makes it seem that everybody enjoys everything and that if you don't you're a prude which isn't entirely true. Everyone is going to have likes and dislikes but it's about compromise and intimacy not really about the filling every possible fantasy you have in your head. I am honestly not trying to judge you so I'm sorry if that comes off that way I just think there are some things you really need to think about mainly being what you should really expect out of a romantic partner. If you're in it for just the sex then by all means do whatever you want but if you're looking for a long-lasting love you're going to have to realize that every person has their own taste and differences when it comes to sex and intimacy to expect a person 2 do everything under the sun and always want more or expecting them to like everything that you like just the way you like it is very far-fetched. I'm not saying it's not possible for two people to have a lot of common ground when it comes to sex but if that is a strong indicator of if they will be a viable partner in the Long Haul that's going to set you up for a life of disappointment. At some point let's say your wife did do all those things you wanted and more you would have eventually ran out of things to do but in your mind you would still think there's something wrong with what you're doing with your wife like there has to be other things she should try or do but the truth is that's just addiction always chasing the next thrill. True satisfaction comes through connections and unshakable intimacy without that everything will be void and you will always be missing something it's just right now you happen to think that something is kink in your life.
     
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  7. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I understand what you are pointing on but maybe I've showed it wrong: I haven't been trying to do all kind of stuff so she couldn't or wouldn't keep up with my desires, I just wanted her to be there in the moment with me. She never was. The minute I would enter her she would go into imagination because she would try to pursue her orgasm and she only could do that by using imagination. It was her "porn". She was (is) imagination MO addict. Because of that I've tryed to encourage her that we try all kind of stuff so maybe she would loosen up. I really don't enjoy pain but was willing to try it if it would make her happy. One of first thing she told me when we started to go out was that I wasn't her type but because that I'm very handsome she likes me. I should have just take advantage of her and left her to pursue her type then... But being low self asteem "nice guy" I tried to show myself like a real catch. And she obviously liked that I was willing to put up wit her shit...
    As I said it was boths decision and mistake

    Also I don't I'm that much of a perv: I like passionate sex and women who dress like ladies. If I would compare it to a porn genre it would be french vintage... Most perverted thing would be anal but she didn't want that so it was my main genre of choice in porn and kept my addiction alive
     
  8. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    This links up to some other discussions I've been having here about fetishes. I sometimes feel a bit guilty about what I'm saying because I may seem "pro-fetish" which isn't what some people here need or how they see NoFap. But this is a good example of where I think what I'm saying matters.

    I agree with what @candarraus is saying btw.

    I think it's important to know what you do and don't need emotionally and sexually so you can be really honest with partners about that and draw boundaries or else compromise around those things. It's actually important I think not to be in denial about fetishes for instance if they really are important to you. One good thing about rebooting is that you can start to find out if they are or not.

    So if you need a particular sort of sex, for instance, if that's going to be really important to you, then I think you need to be able to tell partners about that and then work out if you're compatible or not. I think that causes a lot less problems than getting involved in a relationship and then bringing these things up bit by bit in a way that just seems like sexual exploring rather than anything deeper. I think to a lot of women especially that will feel dishonest and porny.
     
  9. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    I've admitted my fetish to my wife in the beginning of the relationship, she knew everything. And it didn't help, after all those years in the end she took it as a major flaw in our relationship.
    Problem is that when you don't love somebody, you'll take anything as a problem in the end. My sexual desires wasn't the problem because I didn't push them, she was willing to comply. She just used them in the end as a tool to make me look more dysfunctional than she was in our relationship
     
  10. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    ON TOPIC:
    I've been working on my self esteem and the way I communicate with people and the results are magnificent! Everyday I use every opportunity to get a chat with somebody, anybody, in any situation. The response is unbelievable, people are so interested in sharing their toughs, like everyone is just waiting for somebody to talk to them! It's like the role has changed: now I see that everybody are like I was - not sure in them self and not willing to make a first move :D
    So, my self esteem has sky rocketed and I'm preparing to land it on some available ladies that I know before I try to go fishing in open sea
     
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  11. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

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    Do you feel love towards yourself and are you able to follow your intuition? Because if we are internally disconnected from our soul and heart, connecting within other people becomes impossible. Also self hate pushes people away. You need to become aware of it and start working on self love... you will then start puting out loving vibrations out that people will be drawn to.
     
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  12. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    Love is such difficult term to grasp on... I started to accept myself the way I am but only because I've started to do something with myself. I wouldn't accept old myself if I was he now anymore. My world is totally changing because I've opened myself towards others... and I have to thank few factors for that: a book "no more nice guy", an affirmation that stopped me from PMO (it's so easy) and my ex wife for destroying my safe shell and by that helping me realize that I'm just human and people still love me no matter what...
     
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  13. Can you share what that affirmation was? I have been binge relapsing recently and I am losing control.
     
  14. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

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    This is why you need to go into that direction to heal . All children can love. We only loose this ability when we are not loved back but hated by the adults.

    I know this is not easy to learn, but they are people who love and accept so much that they can change people’s hearts and then the recercusions resulting from us not being loving get lessened.
     
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  15. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

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    you have to pronounce yourself to be a man who doesn't fap any more.
    Example, I said: "I'm Svabo and I don't fap and I don't watch porn!"
    That's it. And just repeat that every time when you think of PMO of start to use imagination. It's very effective!
    People make mistake when they use force to stop PMO, like when they say to them self "I will not watch porn". That "will not" requires force to be accomplished so it is definitely wrong way to go. Right way never requires force...
    So when you say "you are not that person", you stop using force because force isn't required if you aren't that person...
    very very effective
    my desire for PMO is absolutely gone, I'm not that person any more
     
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