I seriously need advice for flatlines. Help me...

My flatlines begin at around five-seven days. I have every reason in the world to do nofap. I'm in college as a biomed major that's extremely study-heavy, I'm learning how to sing, I'm learning the guitar, and I know the girl I want to marry.
My whole mind actively doubts any positive outcome from nofap and urges come alive. I am constantly angry and depressed for no reason at all, and I will randomly cry over nothing when I am alone. Then my mind flickers every bit of unwanted imagery it can at me to give me adrenaline shots in my chest to look at the bad stuff. I'm able to resist for awhile, but I can't take it. I can't focus during lectures or my studying because negative emotions flow through me. I'm so emotional typing this.... I want to quit so badly.. but while I'm relapsing I think: "GOD. Im so happy i have this" and it disgusts me afterwards.

my relapses actually make me feel better because post-nut refocuses my mind.... i only feel blind, bitter, and depressed the longer i abstain...
if anyone knows videos or stories or personal experiences with this, please let me know.