I should restart my count? My addiction story

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Dovahkhin93, Jul 30, 2018.

  1. Dovahkhin93

    Dovahkhin93 New Fapstronaut

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    Please be wary if these may be triggers for you. And this post is very extense, so if you want to read a lot, then this is the place.

    Hello everyone. I'm a man and I'm 25 years old and I have decided to end this addiction, I want to share my story and I hope you can help me, I will be as honest as possible. I am currently addicted to P, M and O. I usually see P and do M. I started to see P at the age of 15 years. But my beginnings with the M was at the age of 13 years. Normally I masturbated watching P not explicit of those that passed through the TV. And I masturbated every night fantasizing about girls that I liked, girls from school and friends from the neighborhood that I liked. I never had a girlfriend in high school so all my sexuality until I was 18 was just P and M. I started watching porn more often after my 17 years. I was constantly browsing the web to see P. I usually did it 4 to 5 times a week. At my 18 I had my first girlfriend 1 year younger than me and I left P and M. During those months I was away from all that. Since I thought I was being unfaithful or something, I simply did not feel an appetite for M but to be with my girlfriend. I never had sex with her. After 6 months of relationship we finished and I returned with the addiction a little stronger. Sometimes I M up to 3 times a day but just fantasizing, I mean without P. But that lasted little because at 3 months I met another girl and we became in a relation ship, again was in the plan of zero P and M. With her that was 2 years younger than I was until I was 19 years old but I never had sex with her, but time after I finished with her. I was like two weeks alone and returned P, M, O much more intense, I saw P many times a day and M. The following days there was a party at my house; the girl with whom I lost my virginity met her at that party and was older than me 4 years. That night was my first sexual experience with a girl, we went to my room and we kissed, we did not have sex, but she started to masturbate me. I had a normal erection but I did not feel any kind of pleasure as much as I tried to concentrate, in fact it made me uncomfortable. I never got to ejaculate for more than she masturbated me. The next day I was surprised at what happened, at first I understood that maybe I had masturbated too much and my libido had fallen a lot. The next few days I kept chatting with that girl from the party, but I kept seeing P and M. I invited her to my house to have sex, it was my first time (19 years). It was just as I thought. My performance was incredible, I lasted a lot and in fact never ejaculated, I did just make her cum many times. As much as she practiced oral sex and there was a lot of intercourse I never ejaculated, i was not even close. Only a normal erection. For the next 30 days it was just sex with her and I did not see P or masturbate, during all those days of sex with her I never ejaculated because I never reached orgasm during sex, I only pleased her as best as possible and for me it was enough (inside of what fits). It was only until I had another sexual encounter with her that my balls were really swollen (blue balls) and they hurt me a lot, I had not noticed that. During sex I could not continue because of the pain and my erection ended instantly. After she left, I was very scared because I could not walk from the pain. Not sit down or anything. I could not even think. Then I thought about masturbating and watching porn. This way it was that I was able to ejaculate after so much sex. I calmed down a lot after that and in the next sexual encounter with that girl from the party I almost ejaculated but I kept it in time I do not know why, in all that sexual encounters the oral sex never give me pleasure i don't know why. Then I ended up with her because I came back with my ex, the second girlfriend I had.

    After returning to my ex, we had sex for the first time a week back, it should be noted that during these days (a week or so) I did not see P or M. This time it was very strange because when we went to have sex I had a ED (erectile dysfunction). With everything and that I wanted her a lot, I liked her body a lot, she was really hot. But during that first time my penis did not want to do anything. It was very frustrating. I masturbated a bit but I did not have an erection only after I calmed down and practiced oral sex to her and we kissed, only there I had an erection and we had sex but I never ejaculated, I just made her came many times and I did not really enjoy it of sex, again i was in the same. I had sex with her a couple of times but I never ejaculated. These days I did not see P or M. After finishing with her about two months I relapsed very strongly in the addiction of P, M and O. I saw P every day and masturbated many times a day. I turned 20 and continued with my addiction. I turned 21 and continued stronger than ever, multiple tabs, downloaded videos, had many markers with thousands and thousands of tons of P. I had a couple of girlfriends but nothing serious. Until I turned 22 and I had a girlfriend (2 years younger than me) who was only sex. That lasted about 3 months and we had a lot of sex almost every day and it was the same story, although I did not see P or M or O I never ejaculated during sex. With her I went a little further and bought lotions and creams to reach orgasms and those things. One night I put on a cream that was hypersensitive, we had sex and for the first time in my life I ejaculated during sex. I felt very good, it was fantastic. Then we had sex a couple of times more but I did not ejaculate and again with this girl the oral sex that she maded me was zero pleasure. Then we finished and I never saw her again. I started again in my PMO plan but it did not last long because a month later I met a girl who was 5 years younger than me. I really fell in love with this girl, until today I am still in love with her. With her I never had sex and during that relationship that lasted about 6 months I never did PMO so strong only about 3 or 4 times as much in all that time. I kept myself "clean" to say it in some way. When we finished, I fell into a deep depression and started using marijuana. During that time I did very badly at work and college. I was very depressed, alone and addicted to PMO and smoking marijuana (with all that and that I live with my mother and brother at the moment, previously I lived alone with my brother and with friends and other times with relatives but now I live with my mother and brother again) . But that addiction to marijuana lasted very little because it was affecting me a lot, I had many attacks of anxiety and panic. I continued my addiction to the PMO stronger than ever, in a day I got to masturbate up to 8 times. Tons and tons of P daily. I could not see P without MO. I had to ejaculate with each video. I turned 23 and continued, 24 and continued. At 24 I met another girl but I never had sex with her because I never really wanted her, I wanted more masturbating seeing P.

    We finished after 2 months. And my addiction continued stronger than ever. I started to see strange P genres like: Zoophilia, a lot of incest, transgender, cuckold, mature (I do not like it in real life) and lesbians so hard. And i'm not homophobic at all. I'm not gay and I've never seen gay porn with the exception of trans, I think it's gay, looking for more pleasure during PMO but I've never been attracted to guys, only transgenders who are very very feminine, I do not like men, it's strange, I think it's a fetish. Even so I had the opportunity to have sex with a trans pretty pretty girl but I did not want at all so it only excites me if it's porn. Today at 25 I am really addicted to P. I masturbate every day up to 6 times and I keep all kinds of porn and I masturbate fantasizing also with girls that I like on social networks. I have not had the courage to meet another girl and have real sex. I feel very insecure with the girls and at the minimum anxiety attack I masturbate many times seeing a lot of P. I can not do MO without P. I do not know why I feel so insecure with girls and that according to my experience with girls I'm some handsome face and I have good physique (according to what they tell me), I train from time to time calisthenics and hypertrophy in the gym, I think I have a good body and I am some tall 1,81 and brown skin little reddish tone and brown eyes, I think I can be attractive but I'm not sure sincerely, I feel very unattractive because I've never had a relationship that lasts a little more than 6 or 8 months, that makes me very depressed and every time I try less with girls, I feel very closed with women, I do not follow as before and I'm not romantic because I tried before and even relations ended, I do not know if this problem is derived from my addiction. Sometimes I feel that I am too ugly to flirt or very insecure because my stuttering of childhood came back very strong. I can not converse naturally with any girl. I have not had sex in a long time and that frustrates me more and more and makes me masturbate more and more.

    I decided to do this because I feel very guilty and very depressed when I finish masturbating but at 30 minutes it passes and I feel very excited again and I masturbate again. It's very strong because my libido is very high but I'm wasting everything by M. I realized this because I recently went to a party and I met a girl that I do not know if she liked but I did not even have the courage to talk to her. There is also a girl who lives near my house that I know she likes me a lot and even insinuates me in a very obvious way, she is very very hot and attracts me sexually but I can not even speak to her on my own. I go to my house at the end of the night of the party or any meeting and I masturbate several times watching P. This is affecting me in my way of expressing myself and in meeting new girls, I know. I have never had problems in the past in knowing girls and seducing them but now I do. And with regard to sex I feel that I do not get enough and that's why I do not ejaculate naturally and end up suffering from blue balls so in the end despite having real sex I end up watching P and masturbating. I understand that my mind got used to the PMO and that way I only ejaculate or reach orgasm. Another curious thing that I came to develop was that I ejaculated watching porn without even touching my penis. I did this I do not know how but I do it. I can sit or lie down watching P and ejaculate without touching or lowering my pants or underwear, but only when my libido is very high which is almost all the time. Sometimes I go out to the streets of the city and the girls who walk around with very tight clothes and they are hot make me extremely horny and when I get home I just masturbate watching P, seeing photos in the social networks of girls that I know are hot excite me new and I have to watch P and masturbate even several times. I am currently working from home and masturbate not let me concentrate since I am in my room with internet and all the comfort and like every 30 or 50 min I masturbate because I get excited by the least thing I see. Sometimes I'm at friends' houses and I put myself in discreet mode to see P with my phone and ejaculate the same without touching me for what I managed to develop. Sometimes I wake up at dawn and wake up just watching hours and hours of P.

    I've been reading stories from this forum and the truth is that I do not find anything similar to my case, I made the decision to post it, I cleaned my social networks of pages with pictures of sexy girls or in intimate clothes, I deleted all the porn I had and the photos and I even eliminated girl friends of mine that I like only to not see their photos. I have been around for 13 or 14 days without PMO and it has been quite strong but I feel a great improvement in my life. I feel stronger and more animated. I do exercises on the bike when I feel urges and train daily so I am strong and striking for the girls, I know this since a girl told me something, a compliment, when I was on the bike, which considerably increased my self-esteem, but I still can not make a decent talk or ask for a number to have a relationship and have real sex and forget about the PMO forever.

    I do not know what to do all day fantasizing and very excited, I feel that if I just touch the penis ejaculate. But at the same time all that energy I spend training and it gives me a lot of strength but when I stop training or the bike starts again the urges are very strong.

    On day 7 I had a wet dream and ejaculated a lot, I felt somewhat unmotivated but as I read in the forums that does not make the account restart, but if it can be avoided, it is avoided, so I concentrated in the next days a lot and I had two wet dreams but I did not ejaculate, I managed to wake up in time. The first time I think the semen remained in the penis and it caused me a very strange sensation and I was EXTREMELY excited, my heart was beating very hard and I needed to masturbate but I did not want to lose count. If i touched me i would ejaculate and if he contracted the muscle of the penis he would also ejaculate it was very intense. I managed to fall asleep and I had a wet dream but I woke up and avoided ejaculation again.

    Today I do not know what to do I have seen P and it was really strong. I spent most of the morning watching P but not masturbating at all, not even in the strange way that I have without touching my penis, zero M and zero O. I only saw porn and expelled a lot of pre-seminal fluid. Currently I am starting the blue balls. I do not know if I broke my account of days to see P, should I start again? What do you think of my case? What should I do? I want to stop once and for all the PMO I feel very bad with myself i feel i'm stucked in this, i'm not able to tell my family or friends yet, not ready for that so i'm here.

    Sorry for my english. Thank you for read my story. If i insult any person for this please forgive.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
    Hugoalsace likes this.

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