I think about suicide

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by mrgary900, Jun 22, 2021.

  1. mrgary900

    mrgary900 New Fapstronaut

    My life is destroyed.
    I was 12 when i start mastrubation. When straight porn become boring i accidentally start transwoman porn(at age 16, pussy was boring, anal was cool), i had inner conflict every day and every week. It's makes me HOCD. At age 20 i saw some gay porn, lower part like but i had nausea(Still rarely watching). At age 22(Because i grew up in very religion family) i had first woman, she was prostitute. I was very nervous, Scaried, overthinked and i failed, my P don't erect(she play porn, but result zero also. it was more psychological and it's frequent for first time, i readed, but I'm destroyed) now i have other anxiety. I feel i don't like pussy and woman anymore. I imagine girls, but my erection it's not hard, when i see pussy, it's makes me unerection. And what is funny, I am straight, I'm not bi or gay in real life, I never had any feeling emotional or sexual on guys, I always had with womans. Now i don't know what i do. My life is totally sh"t. I lost much money for prostiute, I am shamed because i failed. I failed for my life, I failed for my dreams because always wanted wife and kids. I don't like shamales in real i tried experience and makes me bad. I can't eat and i Can't sleep. My life was always pain(Bullied in school, problem with family) but i had always cure hope meet to dream girl. It was last.

    Sorry for my bad english, I'm from Poland.
    any advice will help me.
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2021
  2. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

    This is the most classic HOCD post ever. Don't worry. You aren't going to magically become gay or bi. Can you imagine if every person who experienced HOCD was really just supressing their real sexuality that didn't even exist within them until they started irrationally obsessing over it. I suggest going on youtube and learning about OCD and what not to do. The best youtube channel is Ali Greymond. Watch her videos and you will learn how not to reinforce OCD.

    Don't worry. OCD attacks what is most important to you and attacks who you really are. The rise of the lgbt movement, and the glorification of porn and "you are what you watch" could also make you feel pressured into believing that you must be gay or bi when you know that you aren't. To say this in the nicest way possible, don't get sucked into that mindset. Stay true to yourself, while still being respectful of other peoples beliefs. But understand that just because the movement is growing, doesn't mean its factually correct. So if you are anxiously reading threads in gay subreddits about "straight guy, don't want to feel attraction to guys, even though i actually don't but im scared to", and the comments basically say to go out and try it, DON'T listen to them. You are not having a sexuality identity crisis. You have OCD and are suffering from a porn addiction.

    It does sound like being gay or bi would make you feel like your apparent inferiority complex would have won. I and many others experienced the same thing. You're entire life you have this image of who you are and what you want, (confident guy, who gets girls), and partner that with low self esteem, bullying issues, and an extreme porn addiction, you could very well condition yourself to consider yourself as trash. So you believe that your life's purpose is to continue watching extreme porn as thats the only thing that gives you a hit.

    The simple way of putting it is, Quit porn forever, learn about OCD and do everything possible to not reinforce it. Disregard any urges that come, and make this your number one priority. If you do that then I promise you will heal.
  3. I'm in the same position, but much worse. The best thing that you can do right is to quit porn for a good period of time (6 to 12 months I'll say) and you'll see for sure some improvements. That's what I try right now. I watched worse types of porn than you could ever imagine. Types of porn that could have got me in prison, but now I need to stop until it's too late.

    This period of questioning, anxiety, depression and even suicidal thoughts led to do an awful thing that I'm not proud, but in that moments that's what I felt. The thing started in March of this year and I can say that thoughts got slightly better. I'm still in very bad state, but compared to a few weeks back, it's a little better.

    So quit porn and if you feel depressed seek help and don't wait until something happens. And another thing, don't seek reassurance, it will make things worse. If you will see some bad answers, well things might get even worse. Most of those people don't what you feel right and still, they gave you stupid advices that will make you feel even worse than before.
    mrgary900 likes this.
  4. Sean Edie

    Sean Edie Fapstronaut

    It's perfectly normal to get confused about these kind of things. I got into the same stuff and even started prowling gay hookup places. It messed me up for a while but the more you learn about your addiction, the more you realise that isn't you
    mrgary900 likes this.
  5. Sean Edie

    Sean Edie Fapstronaut

    I have depression too and I'm taking tablets for that. Therapy works too
    mrgary900 likes this.
  6. I had a similar problem. I've had a very bizarre fetish ever since I was a little kid and even starting fantasizing about it sexually when I was as young as 9 (I wont say what it is, cause it's embarrassing lol). I definitely still have the fetish, but it doesn't turn me on even half as much as it use to and I find the kinkier/hardcore content I use to watch plain disgusting now. I know this isn't good advice to give on a site like this, but I fixed the issue by just gradually changing my porn habits.

    I started by watching more vanilla versions of the fetish content, to then watching less kinkier porn (like feet or joi), then normal vanilla porn (typical front page pornhub videos), then cam-girls (never tipped them). This effectively trained me to actually enjoy normal porn (and even just plain, solo nudes) more than fetish porn - and I was fortunate enough to lose my virginity right after this - which I experienced no porn-related problems (only deathgrip, which is more so a masturbation problem) and was able to finish.

    I'm sure just doing nofap could be enough to rewire your brain too, but I can't tell you myself because my nofap record is only like 14 days, and I usually sit at the 0-3 day mark (I don't say this with pride, and I'm really trying to break my record).
    mrgary900 likes this.
  7. Sean Edie

    Sean Edie Fapstronaut

    Trying to gradually go to more vanilla stuff can be a bit of a Trojan horse though since if you're on the right website you can go for that harder stuff. I prefer giving up PMO altogether
    tiger-uppercut! and mrgary900 like this.
  8. I also want to kill myself, but... I don't see any point in it. Suicide seems pointless to me.
    mrgary900 likes this.
  9. Toni7

    Toni7 Fapstronaut

    Start mma. Become stronger and don't let anybody shit on you. And about suicide well you will be in the ring fighting for life.
    Buddhism Is True and mrgary900 like this.
  10. Furozima10

    Furozima10 Fapstronaut

    Hey man

    You need to do NoFap for 90days and all your problems and erection issues will be gone and you'll finally be able to fuck pussies after 90days of nofap trust me

    I was in the same situation as you, and i did nofap, and i finally had a sexual intercourse and i fucked her like an Alpha
    mrgary900 and iwontfail67 like this.
  11. mrgary900

    mrgary900 New Fapstronaut

    Thank you guys, that's mean to much for me. I start nofap very seriously. Soo, I choose life, I choose my future. Porn is like a drug. Thank you all. after start nofap i feel better and better and this is begin.
  12. SidewayLook

    SidewayLook Fapstronaut

    Recommend you make it a commitment to check in here daily with a journal, to hold yourself accountable. You can turn your life in the direction you want.
  13. Kddyy

    Kddyy Fapstronaut

    I am in the same position as you brother but i will surely quit porn it is toxic
  14. Tell yourself a new story. Condense the pain and shame down into a single sentence, and then write a new ending. If I lived inside your mind and could rework your thoughts I would translate your post into something like this: “I am extremely angry and upset with myself, but I have the power to learn from my mistakes and rise above my failures.”

    Dial down the time you spend plugged into screens, and get out into the real world where you can meet new people and make new friends. It is the only way to make change. We all go through this in one way or another. Freedom from porn and success in life is possible, but you must participate in your own rescue.
  15. dominikosx_1987

    dominikosx_1987 Fapstronaut

    Cześć. Przykro mi, że to wszystko Cię spotkało. Dobra wiadomość jest taka, że można wyjść z tego uzależnienia i wieść szczęśliwe życie :) Mam 10 lat więcej niż Ty i mając 22 lata nie miałem pojęcia, że jestem uzależniony. To dobrze, że masz tego świadomość. Zachęcam Cię do szukania pomocy u specjalisty - psychologa. Uzależnienia są zawsze - kiepskim - sposobem na radzenie sobie z problemami, które jakby się dobrze zastanowić, wynikają z tego, co przydarzyło nam się kiedy byliśmy dziećmi/nastolatkami. Przepracowanie problemów pomoże Ci w radzeniu sobie z uzależnieniem. Oprócz tego warto odstawić pornografię. Tu i teraz. Nie będzie łatwo, ale to jest możliwe. Ostatni raz oglądałem coś (i się masturbowałem) 7 miesięcy temu. Moje życie jest teraz o wiele lepsze i Twoje też może być, tylko musisz sobie pomóc.

    jax2k19 likes this.
  16. jax2k19

    jax2k19 Fapstronaut


    Powodzenia w rzucaniu nałogu. Mam nadzieję, że okoliczności sprawią, że dasz sobie radę. Jeśli będziesz miał potrzebę napisz. Zawsze coś mogę doradzić ;)

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