I think I’ve been cheating...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by BigCatTunski, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

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    So I haven’t watched porn or masturbated for 56 days. However, I think I’ve been cheating kind of.

    My girlfriend sent me these pictures that she was taking of herself, because she was trying to stop feeling self-conscious about her body. In these pictures, she was topless.

    Every now and again, I’ll go and look at these pictures and I end up thinking about it throughout the day.

    Is this cheating? Would I have to knock down the number and start over? Please help.
     
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  2. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    When you say "cheating", what do you mean? Do you mean cheating on her or do you mean cheating on your reboot (by not resetting your counter)?

    I don't see how looking at or even becoming aroused by pictures of your girlfriend could be cheating on her. However, if it's triggering for you and it makes you think about porn in general, then perhaps a conversation with her would help. She's trying to trouble-shoot a problem she has but maybe it's not the best way for you. However, you can help her. You didn't ask about this but if you're in a relationship, this is the way you need to be thinking as a person of recovery.

    Here's something that might help the two of you. It's something my wife and I have been working with in our marriage. What is her love language? Is it:
    - touch
    - acts of service
    - words of praise
    - quality time
    - or receiving gifts?

    https://fiercemarriage.com/how-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language-what-to-avoid

    The reason I ask is this...

    Your girlfriend feels self conscious of her body. Because of the porn, it has affected her belief in herself that she is desirable to you or even perhaps she is questioning her sexual attractiveness entirely. Take a minute and reread that sentence. Try to be her. Imagine if you felt that your girlfriend just wasn't that into you sexually. You can't tell me it wouldn't be crushing. It would be heartbreak.

    So, if you want to show her you desire her, you have to speak _her_ language to her, not your language to her.

    For example: My wife's love language is acts of service. I show my wife I love her by offering to take things off of her plate like getting her car serviced or fixing up stuff around the house. I also do the wash and cook most of the meals and do the dishes and most of the housework. Not a typical guy thing you may be thinking but that's not the point. I'm speaking her language to her. Mine is touch. I need her to hold my hand, give me kisses without asking, snuggle while watching a movie, and initiate sex equally.

    Without us each doing those things for the other, we could love each other to death and fail to communicate it.

    I think your reboot is probably fine. Your girlfriend has sent you a coded yet easily decryptable message. That message is "I'm showing you my all. I need you to show me that you desire me above all."

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  3. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

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    This is solid advice, thank you. And I meant cheating on my reboot, not on her. It doesn’t make me watch porn or masturbate or anything, but I just felt like it was wrong to look at these pictures of her while I’m on a reboot. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I appreciate you explaining the love language to me a little more. Hers is words of praise, and I tell her I love her and that she’s gorgeous every day, but the low self esteem kinda sticks in her mind still.
     
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  4. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    If it doesn't trigger you, it's not a reset. That's my view.

    If hers is words of praise, try this.

    Next time you are sexual, give her words of praise in the moment "oh my darling you are so beautiful" or even "oh my god you are irresistible to me, I want you now" or whatever the speed you two operate at.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
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  5. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    Personally I had/have a long distance thingy..and I know PMO is destructive and I know some users on here who would not agree with this view, but if you want that sexual connection with that someone while LDR then I would change my counter as I have to Meeting my goals (and explaining why youre on meeting your goals if there are people supporting you) just for the exception they are to you..so I personally just do stuff like MO with them with sexting..but with no PMO or MOing alone (to that person you have feelings for or are in a relationship with)and selfishly and going overboard...and no edging, feeding into too many fantasies with the person, thinking too much about sex. Oh man I hopethis made sense.
    I believe life is 2 short...lol..even if the real thing is the best for your sexual journey and in general!
     
    BigCatTunski likes this.
  6. Advocate109

    Advocate109 Fapstronaut

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    No youre good
     
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  7. My reality check

    My reality check Fapstronaut

    For me personally, it's not a bad thing to find my girlfriend sexually attractive, actually it's one of the reasons I started this. That said, it depends on your own gooals and situationIf you find yourself obsessing about the pictures to the detriment of other things in your life, then it's probably grounds for a reset
     
    BigCatTunski likes this.

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