I think I can't... Handle this anymore help me understand this

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I started out porn earlier maybe around 14... Until ages of 18 i decided to Quit PMO and discovered nofap... After about 3 years of nofap... I gained the massive results from quitting PMO such as boost self esteem, reduce depression, reduce social anxiety, better socializing... I thought nightmares have finally come to an end...

Unfortunately some incident strikes and doubt my own sexuality change my life into another loop of agony and cycle of depression once again... And the early stages of this thing happens... Which i did research people called it HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder) i already losing women attraction... And my penis couldn't get up when fantasizing about them, i thought it weird... What is going on with me? I tried fantasizing of porn fetish i had like feminine guy from hentai trap, just to get hard again... i used to watched during addiction periods i watched all porn categories... After been months of HOCD occurred i become even depressed and anxious again...

This HOCD happened right after i almost clean from PMO addiction... It reminded me back of all disgusting and gay shits i used to did... Like anal masturbated, suck on dildo pretend to be sissy etc... It was all shame and disgraceful acts after i realized what i have done, i probably take this to the grave....

I tried to calm my mind down by reminding myself of the good years, i was always love women and attracted to them... Used to fantasizing and masturbated my girl classmate etc... Until now i still having a crush on my female coworker but i couldn't do anything since i lose all my sex drive and attraction fade completely but my heart will always remains the same... No more gut hitting or impulsive it's just gone...

Hard for me to be around same gender now... I can't stop the anxiety of people think i might be gay... It hard on daily basic become a struggling, the only time i can rest my mind is sleep...

I still not sure if I'm gay denying or just HOCD... All i understand is whenever this gay compulsive things happening i become extremely distressed and nothing else but feel like an urge than genuine impulsive...