Very, very long history of P & M addiction - 25+ years of in and out of the process. I thought we were done with it all about 14 years ago but since then, its been a roundabout of discoveries, "I'll stops", me forgiving and moving on. Although I guess we never did actually move on. Earlier this year I discovered he was M'ing again - he never stopped that apparently. Didn't see anything wrong with it? We went to counselling together and I honestly thought that just perhaps we'd make it. 10 days ago, I made yet another discovery. And now I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. Empty? Lost? Sad? I know I'm not mad, which is actually a surprise. He's advised he doesn't think he can guarantee me it'll never happen again; that its unreasonable of me to expect that, afterall, he's a man. I mean, WTF am I meant to do with that? Told me I should have a more reasonable response to it. He denies using P, I don't know what to believe. There's a long history of him fantasizing about people we know, so which is worse? P or him thinking of others that we know, including close family? He's offered to see the counsellor again but has made no move to make any appointments for us. I think he's honestly hoping it'll just blow over. Do I just turn a blind eye and pretend all is OK? When I am with him I know I still love him. When I am by myself though I fall into this pit of despair that I can't drag myself out of. When I leave him in the house alone I go into a panic attack and can't help but search the house for evidence when I go home- hardly a healthy response I know. I just don't know what to do now? We have 3 children, a mortgage and all those other things that tie 2 people who have been married for 3 decades together. It's not as easy as just walking away.