I thought she didn't want me...

So, it's been a while since I don't post in this community, but I feel like I must do it again.

Why? Because I completed my 90 day hard mode re-boot from November 2021 - January 2022. After that, I relapsed once, and then another time, and another time, and so on.

In total, I've relapsed about 36 times this year, but I'm still committed to keep fighting, especially because I'm married, and I really want to kick porn out of my marriage.

The reasons for my relapses have been two:

1. Losing my good habits.
2. Bad communication with my wife, and lack of understanding on my part.

So, number one has to do with me going for long vacation times to my home town. 1 or 1 and a half months of vacation at my parent's house, visiting old friends, putting my routines for "when I go back home", and having lots to do made me forget about my anti-porn behaviors (like not browsing the Internet late at night, avoiding browsing on Netflix, etc).

However, the most hurtful thing for me has been not having clear and open communication with my wife about sex. There have been many times in which I look for her to have sex, but she simply rejects me, or I perceive like she's a boring person in bed.

This has been a mistake for both of us:

1. Because I didn't open myself to tell her what I was feeling
2. Because she didn't express her reasons for acting this way, and how she felt.

Since this happened so many times this year, and after a destructive relapse this week, I finally wrote her a long letter, not reclaiming the sex I want, but just expressing what I was feeling: like she doesn't want me anymore, and I feel like she doesn't want to be in bed with me anymore.

She replied back, to let me know that, I was wrong, she still enjoys having sex with me and she's attracted to me, but the porn has hurt her very much, to the point she can't have sex with me without thinking about it. Plus, she felt uncomfortable being at our parent's house to have sex regularly, plus other physical issues that she clearly explained to me, which we have to take care of with the help of a doctor..

After knowing that, I felt better, and I realized that I needed to be more comprehensive with her. I'm thinking about doing another 90-day hard mode reboot, or perhaps a 45-day reboot. I'm not sure what would be more convenient for me to keep improving and break free from porn once and for all.

I'm sure about one thing though: I have to improve my relationship with my wife, and communication is key to break free from addiction.

I hope my experience is helpful.