I told my partner and I’m scared for our future

[falconpunch99]

Had to get this out somewhere. Never shared anything on a forum like this. I’ll spark notes where I’m at: started watching P and M in middle school; in the early days of forming my addiction I also had a lot of catholic guilt, which contributed to even more anxiety and, in turn, more dopamine. I’ve departed from my faith a little bit since, but the years went by, and I continued making it a habit of close to once a day.

finally, about a week ago, I began to read YBOP, and the knowledge it’s providing me is really helping me feel like I can overcome my addiction and lead myself to a happier, healthier life. I in fact felt so confident in this that, after a mere week of abstinence, I decided to tell my girlfriend of 4 years about my PA—something I never told anyone before.

I tried to educate as much as I could and still provide her with a space to feel everything she was feeling—betrayal, confusion, disappointment. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and talking through it last night did feel healthy. She spoke from a truthful place of how it made her feel and tried her best to understand me.

but I still can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment, and disappointment in myself for hurting her. I’m really scared that I broke the news to her too preemptively and could have permanently stained our relationship. We want to get married in a couple years, and I’m just so scared that I could have jeopardized all of that last night by breaking the news to her. So that’s why I’m here.

anyone have any similar experiences with their partners?

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Had to get this out somewhere. Never shared anything on a forum like this. I’ll spark notes where I’m at: started watching P and M in middle school; in the early days of forming my addiction I also had a lot of catholic guilt, which contributed to even more anxiety and, in turn, more dopamine. I’ve departed from my faith a little bit since, but the years went by, and I continued making it a habit of close to once a day.

finally, about a week ago, I began to read YBOP, and the knowledge it’s providing me is really helping me feel like I can overcome my addiction and lead myself to a happier, healthier life. I in fact felt so confident in this that, after a mere week of abstinence, I decided to tell my girlfriend of 4 years about my PA—something I never told anyone before.

I tried to educate as much as I could and still provide her with a space to feel everything she was feeling—betrayal, confusion, disappointment. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and talking through it last night did feel healthy. She spoke from a truthful place of how it made her feel and tried her best to understand me.

but I still can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment, and disappointment in myself for hurting her. I’m really scared that I broke the news to her too preemptively and could have permanently stained our relationship. We want to get married in a couple years, and I’m just so scared that I could have jeopardized all of that last night by breaking the news to her. So that’s why I’m here.

anyone have any similar experiences with their partners?

If you confessing your addiction ruins the relationship then it’s for the best. Better than to marry her while hiding this from her and she finds out after. Relationships where the addict discloses rather than the partner discovers have a much higher chance at success. That being said, the chances of your recovery when she knows is far greater than your chances if hiding it. You didnt jeopardize it by disclosing, you jeopardized it with your addiction and acting out. You jeopardize it by your actions not by her knowing your actions. You hurt her with your actions not by telling her of your actions. Do whatever it takes to get into recovery now.

 

[hope4healing]

but I still can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment, and disappointment in myself for hurting her.

We want to get married in a couple years, and I’m just so scared that I could have jeopardized all of that last night by breaking the news to her.

There is no time that you could've told her when you wouldn't have felt this way about it. But, you would've felt much worse and she'd have been even more hurt if you'd have waited until after you're married to tell her....or as @Psalm27:1my light said, until she discovered it on her own. It's never too soon to be honest, IMO.

My husband was not forthcoming with this information. I discovered it on my own, and I'm still dealing with the fallout over 25 years later. Had he told me himself, it still would've been difficult and hurtful, but it wouldn't have created nearly as much damage as it did. Please don't regret telling her because, even though it might not seem like it now, it would've only been worse in many ways the longer you waited.

 

[kropo82]

I’m really scared that I broke the news to her too preemptively and could have permanently stained our relationship. We want to get married in a couple years, and I’m just so scared that I could have jeopardized all of that last night by breaking the news to her. So that’s why I’m here.

Try not to worry about that (easier said than done, I know). The important thing is that you have taken responsibility and you are working on fixing your problem. Over time she will see the real effort you are putting in to being a better you, and she will realise how important she is to you. That will help her to heal, even if there are rough times ahead.

but I still can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment, and disappointment in myself for hurting her.

The embarrassment fades, especially as one's sobriety day count increases. Embarrassment at our sleazy failures gets eclipsed by pride in the hard work we put into porn-sobriety. But the disappointment doesn't fade. I am glad about that, it is a constant reminder to me of who I want to be, of the man she deserves and how I will continue to strive to be that man.

 

[davewhite]

Good luck to you!

 

[Whatsbroken]

We don't know each other so this may not mean much...but I'm proud of u for just coming out n telling her. Thats a really brave thing to do. Mad respect for u. Whatever happens I wish u luck on ur journey.

 

[JerseyRael]

Hey man I think I know how you feel. Last year I confessed to my wife of 13 years about my porn habit. I’ve been looking at porn since I was 19, now I’m 46. She was devastated. That was nearly a year ago and I’ve been porn-free ever since, but I still don’t know if she truly trusts me yet. But I know my desire to save my marriage has inspired me to be the best man I can be. I am committed to staying away from porn, exercising more, eating right, etc. I can now look in the mirror and be proud of who I am, and I couldn’t do that a year ago. Good luck to you!