I told my wife.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Dudeguy1000, Aug 20, 2018.

  1. Dudeguy1000

    Dudeguy1000 Fapstronaut

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    Hello. I’ve been addicted to PMO since I was about 15. I got married at 24 and I’m almost 27. I thought I could overcome this myself for so long. Especially since I’m a Christian. (Christians think they’re invincible.) I also thought getting married would solve my issue. Everybody knows you have sex non stop when you get married. [sarcasm]
    My wife and I have had a good sex life and it continued getting better through the years, but for some reason I still couldn’t shake PMO.
    When everything changed is when I finally came to the realization via some ted talks and conversations that PMO was affecting my heart and brain. I have been lying to myself for so long that it doesn’t actually hurt anyone. But it does. It was hurting my heart, my brain, my spirit, and my marriage. I finally got over the idea of “stop cause it’s a sin”, and I adopted the idea “stop cause you’re hurting yourself nd those you love!”
    I decided to stop 7 days ago and joined nofap. 5 days ago I decided to put it all out there and tell my wife who I’ve been hiding this secret from through our entire marriage. I was so scared that she’d view me as a pig and disgusting, or worse view herself as not enough or unloved.
    When I told her, I remembered the reason I married her. She didn’t degrade me or chastise me. She accepted me, loved me, affirmed me, and thanked me for being open with her. She showed me love in a way that I thought only God could. Loving something despite its flaws. This love has strengthened me to continue the fight for no PMO. I’ve gone 7 days now and don’t even have urges!

    So id like to encourage you readers. If you are using PMO, in a relationship, and love your partner dearly, be vulnerable. If you’re single, tell your friends or pastors, or parents. Let the ones you love and trust help you. My marriage is stronger now than it has ever been. I believe some of it has to do with me not fapping; but I believe that more than anything it is because for the first time in our marriage, I was completely open and vulnerable with my wife.
     
  2. Welcome here! This community is a great support and we need to encourage each other on this journey. So I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all the best in your healing. It is a long, difficult road, but we are stronger together. Cheers! :)
     
    Dudeguy1000 likes this.
  3. Congratulations on doing the right thing. I wish I would have been as aware of what my problem was and opened up about it before everything came out in the open.
    It sounds like you are also blessed with an amazing wife who is willing to help and support you.
    You will grow closer than you ever have been before. Cherish and honor this.
    Wish you both the best.
     
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  4. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations. I've been through this exact thing with my wife, and my addiction still troubles me. The worst part is when you have to tell her again that you're still struggling, even months after the first d-day. Don't let that day come. Don't let it back in. Your marriage, your faith, your entire life will be better off without ever going back to P again.

    Best of luck to you, my friend.
     
    Dudeguy1000 likes this.
  5. EndPornLiveLife

    EndPornLiveLife Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing this! It's super encouraging to hear.

    Keep fighting the good fight!
     
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  6. Dudeguy1000

    Dudeguy1000 Fapstronaut

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    My wife and I had a conversation just yesterday to see how that would go if I do relapse again. We both weren’t sure what the best way to deal with it would be. How to start the conversation again, you know?
    Any advice you have here would be appreciated.
     
  7. skater

    skater Fapstronaut

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  8. skater

    skater Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations!!! It takes courage and honesty to come clean with your wife. I know you feel much better now because you are only as sick as your secrets, and your life with your wife can now truly be one of honesty and truth. I lead a group using the conquer series which dives into the effects of porn on the brain and I see many great things happen in people lives along with the struggles we share. Thnaks for your encouragement to others and for having the balls to step up and take control of your life.
     
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  9. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    We ended up making a rule that said we never go more than 24 hours without coming clean. If there's something I need to come clean about, I tell her that day, no waiting around. It's better to just get it out in the open. You don't have to go into a lot of detail, but basically if something happens, I tell her "Hey, I screwed up today, here's what happened, and here's what I'm going to try to do to fix it/prevent it from happening again". I think if you do that, and show that you're actively looking to work against it the next time, and you follow through with that, then you'll be way ahead.
     
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  10. Dudeguy1000

    Dudeguy1000 Fapstronaut

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    That’s great advice and I think we’ll steal that from you if that’s alright.
    Thanks again!
     
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  11. Dudeguy1000

    Dudeguy1000 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for taking the time to encourage me. Means a lot.
     
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  12. Dudeguy1000

    Dudeguy1000 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the encouraging words. My relationship with my wife is better than ever right now!
    That’s cool that you lead that group. I’d love to learn more about that. The few YouTube videos I’ve seen about that have been mesmerizing.
     
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  13. Dudeguy1000

    Dudeguy1000 Fapstronaut

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    Glad it has helped!
     
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  14. Dudeguy1000

    Dudeguy1000 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the encouragement. It has been so rewarding to give that stuff up and trust my wife with my vulnerability. More than I could have ever imagined.
     
  15. Survivor Wars

    Survivor Wars Fapstronaut

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    Can you share the links to the Ted talks, I am currently also having some heart problems due to Fappping since age 15 I'm 31 now. My girlfriend doesn't know and no one knows. I'm rock bottom with my life and even just to weeks away from PMO makes me feel strong like Thanos but then I relapse again. I feel so dirty and so low that I also joined nofap today to try and save mylife.
    I know I will never be same again, I just want to be able to live happy before I die.
     
  16. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    You did the best thing that you could have ever done with this addiction by telling your wife. It is a game changer for sure. Happy for you!

    I am in a similar place and had some amazing long streaks without the secret in the closet but I did have some relapses after I first told her. Perhaps 3 relapses in 70 days which is pretty good.

    My mistake is that I did not tell her about the relapses when I promised her that I would. Wow, it was a devastating day when that truth came out. If you stick to your rule you will save yourself from so much heartache. A wife feels not upset about the relapse as much as breaking the rule to tell her. That compromises trust and trust is hard to get back.

    Just wanted to share the encouragement that this step you made changes the marriage for the better, however do not do what I did. She will support you if you relapse but needs to know when it happens. Best of everyhing to you!
     
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  17. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    Best of luck man. Take it from me, it never gets easier to have that conversation, but it always needs to happen. Lying is one of the most painful parts for our wives. The porn hurts, obviously, but dishonesty hurts at a deeper level I think.

    I get to have that conversation with my wife again today. Hopefully she'll respond with grace. Hope you're doing well.
     

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