I took off my ring....

I think you were completely justified in your reaction. The lying is really hard to take. Many SOs find that to be the worst part. I'm sorry that you are in this spot. I gave my husband 14 years my wedding ring back when I found out he'd been lying about the PA and said I don't think this means what I thought it did. That was over a year ago. He still has it (he wears it). We are still together, the plan was that I would ask for it back when I felt ready for it but I still don't. I don't even want that ring ever. So yeah, I don't blame you one bit for being upset about the lying. It is a terrible thing to go through and good for you for standing up for yourself.

 

"I am shocked at how easily he can lie to me to my face and I believe him. That’s scary to me."

Addicts lie in the beginning of the relationship especially, and will continue lying until faced with a "hitting bottom" event often of which the magnitude will be absolute hell, such as job loss, STDs, arrest, etc....another time they might stop lying is if faced with polygraph tests as a part of recovery...other than these instances, active addicts will continue to lie as a matter of course. I would not marry him unless he is in active recovery. Telling him it is ok to relapse is like telling a heroin addict its ok to snort some heroin just don't shoot or let it become a habit. Just snort, once in a while. Some addicts can do workarounds their addiction for a while but it is always progressive and while using they will always continue to lie.

 

I don't think you've been too hard on him. He needs to know you're serious. And if he doesn't get control and overcome this addiction, it'll be a problem that you'll be dealing with your entire marriage!! In fact depending on the severity of it, it may be an ongoing problem in the future regardless....

And I agree with the above, you want to make it clear that relapse is NOT OK but you are willing to be as understanding and supportive as possible if it does happen.

What sort of recovery work is he doing? I'd want to be VERY sure that what he's doing is relevant, it's the best of what's available and that he's doing ENOUGH and not just abstaining, before you marry him. If he's not, then I'd seriously consider this before going ahead with your wedding. You are not married YET, so it would be easier to be postponing that if you had to, than to be separating or divorcing later over it.

What accountability program are you using? You should be able to set it up to flag what you want it to flag. YouTube was something my husband was using as well. I have A2U (Accountable2You) on his phone & laptop and have set it to flag YouTube as well as many others. It gives me what he's searched and the title of every YouTube video he looks at, incognito or not. Actually on this subject @AnonymousAnnaXOXO I thought I read on one of your posts a while back that you had some sort of software or app on your Smart TV - is that right? It may not of been you, but I was going to ask you because we just got a new TV which he can now easily access YouTube (easier than the last) and I'm a bit concerned about this now? Thanks.

 

@HonestyMatters

We have xbox which we don't use, my laptop, and my parents TV upstairs with amazon firestick. I set up parental controls on amazon firestick with a password so he can't get into netflix without the password. In our house we just dont watch that much TV or use the tech since this whole PA stuff.

What we've done is, cut video games out of the house (aside from minecraft every rare once in a while), we watch TV together in the evenings (not every evening) and social media has been cut (aside from using it for business for my stuff) and social media includes youtube... If we "need" to use it for whatever reason he will use it while I am in the room, like if he is looking up how to fix something in a car (he is an auto tech in training)...

it's about compromise, about setting boundaries and consequences, and finding what works for you as a couple.

 

Thanku @AnonymousAnnaXOXO

My hubby loves his tech stuff so the monitoring software works well for the most part, and that way he's not feeling confined or resentful that I've taken his freedom so to speak. I'll have to see if the TV's got some sort of restriction controls built into it. Thanku heaps for getting back to me xx

 

I relate. He even said "I'm being honest with you." when he wasn't... and "Don't worry, I'm protecting our relationship and our family" when he wasn't... and now when he says "I'm being honest with you" it's a trigger for me.... I feel so stupid for believing him time after time when he was lying to my face.

 

Same