I used to think my life was a tragedy, now I realise it is much worse

PLEASE NOTE. This post will be very long and probably confusing. English is not my native language, so there may be some grammatical errors. I intend to post elsewhere, so I would consider this post as multi themed. I will divide the text into parts for readability. I apologize for the excessive details, I believe that everything exposed here has some relevance. I beg you to read everything.

INTRODUCTION I - ANXIETY AND FIRST THOUGHTS
Hello. I am an 18 year old man, currently in college. My life, from August 18th until now, has been a complete hell. In early 2019, I began to have anxiety attacks every time I went to the movies or went out with friends. These seizures made it impossible for me to eat and caused constant nausea and dizziness. When I started college in March, anxiety became random. Some days it happened before and during classes. In others, just before.
However, I did not know that anxiety was until then the least of my problems. As I began my second semester enrollment in late July, I began to have depressing thoughts. These thoughts encouraged my death, mocked me. As someone radically opposed to suicide, that situation bothered me, but not enough to wreak havoc. Within a week, there were no more thoughts.
The first week of August, I went to a urologist. I was worried about the angle of curvature of my penis, and how it would impact sex. I'm a virgin, and never had a girlfriend. It may seem like irrelevant information, but it is not.

INTRODUCTION II - THE PORN
When I was 13, I discovered the concept of sex. Before that, I knew nothing about the workings of the sexual act. From this I discovered masturbation, eroticism and, of course, pornography. I masturbated and watched porn whenever and as long as I wanted without any worries. But as the years went by, I turned these two activities into relief valves for any kind of stress. I masturbated at least once a day. As for porn, I watched 1 or 2 hours. Between December 2018 and early 2019, I expanded pornography to approximately 4 hours. 2 hours in the late afternoon and 1 or 2 hours before bed.

Spoiler

As for the porn categories, I started with light videos, until stopping at hentai and hardcore videos, like anal, gangbang or DP. I never watched gay porn.
Since I was 13, I have ingested my own semen after masturbation. I started this habit because of a mixture of curiosity and laziness to clean. I don't see it from a homosexual perspective. In fact, ingesting semen for me has become a way of celebrating my pleasure and hence my body.

PART I: THE BEGINNING OF THE RUIN OF A MIND
Back in August 2019. After the urologist, I began to worry about my likely porn addiction. I was afraid the videos would prevent me from having pleasure with a woman in real life, or cause Erectile Dysfunction or Early Ejaculation. I decided to limit porn and masturbation to twice a week, with a maximum of one hour in each of these sessions. I was able to respect this self imposed rule. But on August 18, everything changed. At night, two hours after watching porn, I was watching the movie Alien Covenant, and seeing Michael Fassbender, I immediately remembered the movie Shame. At that moment, bizarre thoughts invaded my mind

Spoiler

Compliments of sexual connotation, comments about the actor's appearance and penis, images of myself fucking him

Obviously, I was terrified. I have never in my life thought such things. Even surprised, I associated such thoughts with the suicidal incentives of early July and thought, Fuck. This is going to end.
I was wrong. The next morning that shit went on. Every man I saw stirred these same thoughts, even my father. There was a distortion in my feelings, thoughts and perceptions. In a way, I saw every man as handsome, simply because he was a man. In just two days in that nightmare prototype, I thought something risky: Well, I like women, but these thoughts want to impose an attraction on men. If I bring the two together, I can neutralize that shit.

Spoiler

Then I fantasized about myself having relationships with hermaphrodite beings - something like futanari -. I had fantasized about such things before, but only once in 2016. Also, such a fantasy could be controlled. I watched some pegging videos, watched hentais about dickgirl on male and, even finding it bizarre, felt pleasure.

That was not enough to stop gay thoughts. So every day boiled down to an infinite mental debate. On August 29th, in one of these innumerable internal discussions, I thought, In all my sexual fantasies, I always projected myself on man. At that moment, a damn thought came up: No, you projected on the woman. You want to be a woman. You should cut your penis. So from that day, besides the gay mind filter, there was a trans mind filter. Looking at me in the mirror came the image of a woman, looking at my penis, the image of a vagina. When I came across pronouns, thoughts changed their gender automatically. Seeing a couple, I couldn't tell if I thought the girl was pretty or envious of her.
In September, tired of those thoughts, I returned to my psychologist. I have been consulting with him since 2015, but he has known me since I was 9 or 10 years old. He said I was a straight man, but that wasn't enough to reassure me. Between September and October, other bizarre thoughts arose. After reading about Capgras syndrome, I began to fear the possibility that it was real. I feared the world was a simulation like the Matrix. I was afraid of being betrayed by my future girlfriend, or of being a cuckold. I didn't believe 100 per cent in the thoughts, just feared the possibility.

PART II - IDENTITY CRISIS AND THE INTERNET FUCKING MY HEAD
As I said before, my psychologist could not fully help me. So I decided, stupidly, to turn to the internet. I saw dozens of texts and posts about HOCD and TOCD. At first it helped me, but over time my mental state got worse.

Spoiler

I read trans testimonials saying they thought they were cis until 18, or late onset gender dysphoria. Reading that, my head exploded. How to prove that I wasn't really feeling dysphoria?

From then on, I lost hope. I felt in denial, even though I had never idealized myself as a woman in 18 years of life. That sense of certainty was unreachable for me. I read that shit until November, when the frequency goes down. In October, I watched the movie Joker. Honestly, Arthur Fleck saved my life. Seeing a guy at rock bottom become happy gave me a little hope. Interestingly, I didn't feel any anxiety during the movie. In fact, I had not been anxious since September. Probably because I was debating like crazy 24h.
Needless to say, my happy days were few. In 5 months of this hell, I can count only 1 month of joy. This month consists of several weeks spread out. Two in October, one in November, one in December. Even at these breaks, the symptoms did not fully subside.

PART III - MEDICATIONS AND THE ROCK BOTTOM
Since October, I have had blood tests and a psychiatrist. Examinations pointed to a lack of vitamin D, probably because of my sedentary behavior. On November 15, I started taking meds.

Spoiler

Paroxetine. Side effects were complicated at first. I started with a small dose of 12,5 milligrams. When I say complicated, I mean COMPLICATED.

I felt like a zombie, I didn't want to get out of bed, I missed college all week. This state lasted about one to two weeks. In the end, the medication did no shit against the thoughts. It just made me calmer and to some extent functional. In fact, even crying almost every day, and wanting to drop out of college, I was able to get high marks in all subjects this semester. Great irony, no?
In my opinion, the worst part of all this is WAITING. In August I was just an unhappy guy with gay thoughts, today I have no idea what I am. I talk 40 minutes with my psychologist every week, not counting discussions with my parents. In the early months, they understood. Today they seem to be tired of me. As for my psychologist, I feel his good intentions, but I see no progress. At the same time, I don't want to change professionals because I value the experience of my current psychologist.

CONCLUSION: WHO AM I ?
In the past. I was a confident guy. I wanted to live alone after finishing college. I dreamed of having a girlfriend. With luck, I'd marry her and we'd have a daughter. I prefer a daughter because I wanted to play the role of protector. Today my identity is in pieces. When I look in the mirror, I see someone else. My name sounds weird, just like the pronouns. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a pilot of someone else's body even though I know it's my body. I never had problems with my penis or my body hair. I even grew a big beard in 2016 . Now I'm afraid every time I look at them. I don't feel authentic about anything I do.
Honestly, I never cared about gender. I was not a boy or girl. I WAS ME. A male individual. In fact, I had some feminine traits, but I saw such judgment as a stereotype. I cross my legs, I am very emotional and synesthetic regarding love or sexual issues. I wear long clothes that show little of my body. In this respect, I identified a lot again with Arthur Fleck. I like to dance alone and often have daydreams about my future girlfriend. At the same time, when I talk about things beyond love, I feel like a man. In discussions, I see everything from a strictly rational standpoint, I consider myself competitive and cold in certain respects.
The only time of the day I have peace is when I sleep. When I wake up, I feel good for a few seconds, until all hell begins again.

Spoiler

Interestingly, I had dreams in which, as a man, I had sex with a woman. In my dreams thoughts had no power at all.

Bathing has been a terrifying experience, because I can't tell if I like my body or not. During the day I feel my penis all the time and I have anxiety. The only time I feel good about my penis is when I masturbate and yet there is insecurity.
If I didn't have friends, computer games, or family / medical support, I'd probably be dead already. There is not a day when I don't think about suicide. I have tried to stop pornography, but I never quite get it. I've stopped watching videos for 1 month, but still saw erotic images or masturbated.

Spoiler

I believe I developed an attraction to the penis, not necessarily to the men themselves . When I watch a video, I feel a sensation in my throat. Never felt this way before. I am afraid that when performing oral sex on a woman, I want a penis.

I fear losing my sexual attraction to girls.
Even though I've never wanted the transition, I feel like a liar every time I think about it. I have no confidence in my memories and thoughts. My dreams at times seem distant. My only desire is to have peace, to feel like a straight man again, to make sure that I love my own body, to make sure that I love and desire women without ever envying their appearance. I imagine hugging my girlfriend and listening to her say she loves me, I imagine us having sex for love, not just for sexual pleasure. I imagine taking my daughter to school, watching her graduate, haunting her boyfriend's dreams . I am an unhappy being who has lost her identity, wants her back, and needs help.

 

I think my problem is not exactly the possession of the fetish, but the lack of control. Of course I don't want to have homosexual and transgender thoughts anymore, but as I said, I've had a fantasy involving futanari before in 2016. At that time I felt awkward, but I never thought or wanted to think about it again. To me, Futanari is purely unreal: a woman with both genitals. A trans woman, however, is still a man, so I would never have sex with "her". If I can control / suppress the fetish and maintain my attraction to real women, I see no problem.

 

1. I have greatly reduced the frequency of this habit over time, and I intend to definitely stop it this year.
2. I agree with you. Since the thoughts started, I feel very influential and suspicious, like a child. I believe it is, deep down, fear/paranoia.
3. Perhaps it is anxiety. When I have anxiety attacks, there is this same sensation. But, when you speak "fantasies about men", that is not the truth. Thoughts arise when I see men. Any kind of man, in any context. There is no happiness, no erections. Even in porn, it can be said that I felt "love" for the actresses, along, of course, with the sexual attraction. This does not happen with men. There are only thoughts and the sensation in the throat.

 

1. Well, the source of this behavior is a long story. As a child, I was a somewhat extremely disorganized person. My parents diminished this ignorance a little, and I acquired some discipline. I believe that if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have got such high grades. At school, my classmates were not so lucky. Many times, I was forced to take the lead role in schoolwork, forced to delegate tasks and give orders. When I say "leader," I mean a Prime Minister, not a King. I like "power," but not attention. Join this with an INTJ-T personality and you'll have me: a preoccupied guy who makes plans in a very antecedent way.
2. When I was a child, I had problems with anger management. Probably I would have become a bully. But as you read in 1, that's not what happened. I have become a calm person who keeps anger inside - sometimes too much for my own good -. As a result, I was bullied for 60% of my school life on a larger or smaller scale. I never reacted because, as I think too much about the consequences, I feared a disproportionate reaction. The root of bullying was my behavior, seen as slightly effeminate by some colleagues. Also, puberty started earlier for me, at 12 I already had a mustache and body hair. When my problems started in 2019, I began to fear that my "sensitive" and "introvert" posture would drive women away from me. I'm not an SJW, but I don't see power in men who only work the body and not the mind / feelings. To me, they are like kings, sitting on a throne of dust. At the same time, I can't tell if what I feel for them is not envy. At some point in my life, if something had gone wrong, I could have become an "incel" where "incel" means misogynist and frustrated, because I know that word is very distorted these days.
3. I agree with these words. Since 2014, I became extremely nihilistic, I came to value the physical world very much. Consequently, my fear of loneliness and my desire for love increased. Unfortunately, I don't know if this worldview can be reversed. I'd like to go back to what I was before - of course without the porn addiction -. I was independent of social conventions, acting as I wanted, dressing as I wanted. Now I don't feel free anymore thanks to these thoughts labeling my gender.

Thank you very much for the words, JoeinMD!