I wanna cry

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ahighertruth, Jul 26, 2020.

  1. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

    I keep thinking about the month I had when I went to college for the first time and had no source of PMO or drugs and was finally starting to make friends and talking to girls confidently. Then I revert back to my old ways and 12 years go by faster than I can even think and it's like if only I stayed on track this whole time my life would have been amazing. I met a beautiful girl along the way and didn't even have the confidence to ask her out. So many other women I've passed up on and all I did was smoke weed and masturbate for most of the day. It never hit me so hard until now. Until I stopped the weed and porn I just never realized how hard those things impacted my life. I hate that my parents never cared enough to tell me that smoking marijuana will make me regret my life choices. I hate the fact that I was so addicted to porn that the only thing that turned me on was watching get facial abused. I hate the fact that I've given up sex for self pleasure. I hate my sickness in general. I love who I am but my addictions have killed me. I was also born with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and no one I know can relate to how I feel. Why did God have to be so cruel when making me? I wonder these things. I rather have a missing arm than have this mental illness. I just want to be carefree, and open to expressing myself. I have a mental block in my head and I will probably be this way forever.
  2. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

    Looking back with regret stings but for better or worse the past has faded and all you have now is the present and future. Best to make the most of it. Have you sought out therapy and or medication for your disorder?
  3. I'm here for you man. It can be hard for us to understand why such horrible things happen to us, I like to believe maybe in some way they can make us stronger rather we can see it or not. Perhaps as you learn to cope and rise above your generalized anxiety disorder it may allow you to feel more sympathy, and maybe even help those who struggle and are so fear-striken. If those things you started obtaining within that month in college outweigh how you are feeling now you must do everything in your ability to NoFap.

    Drugs (including PMO) are just an escape from the inevitable - life is not easy, we just become stronger

    Remember, every day you go without PMO is a day you become a stronger man - every day counts, every hour, every minute, every second. This is what transforms you to who you are and who you will be. The pain you feel is temporary and I believe anyone can rise above it if they have the right mind intact.

    The best to you my man,
    Please PM me if you'd like to chat more :)
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  4. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

    I abused drugs and was prescribed ssri which made me super aggressive and led to me quitting a good job i had. I wanna say this is new but its not. Ive been fucking up since the day I was born.
  5. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

    Everyone "fucks up" in their life. But letting it be the basis of who you are is false and dangerous
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  6. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

    Ive been fuckin up since I was born I never don't fuck up.
  7. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    Hang in there, friend! What you did *before* doesn't matter. What you do *next* does. Stay the course. Keep staying clean and eventually the person you were always meant to be will dig itself out of the muck. Focus on the healthy things that make you happy. Use that to find people that love and appreciate you, regardless of any shame or guilt you might feel over your past and present struggles.

    It's not a crime or the least bit shameful to seek help either. A good therapist will respect that you've had problems with medications and drugs in the past and will diligently look for alternative ways to provide the help you need so don't let that stop you.

    Above all else, keep in mind that any addiction causes significant neurological and neurochemical changes in your brain. Rebooting and staying clean from stimuli that your brain has grown accustomed to having will make you feel like you've gone a little haywire emotionally as you gradually return to some semblance of normalcy. I still experience things like that myself. Just remember that these things will pass and the results of overcoming your addiction will be worth every tear, every ounce of heartache, and every sleepless night.

    We're all in this together. Stay strong!
  8. Mr. Diesel

    Mr. Diesel Fapstronaut

    I'm very sorry for you man, have you read Soaring Eagle books? Maybe you can contact him?
  9. The Mindful Metalhead

    The Mindful Metalhead Fapstronaut

    That feeling is too real. Sometimes I have small flashbacks of when I did anything stupid or embarrassing in my life and feel the sting of regret. I also feel regret when I think back of my highschool days wishing I had committed and taken nofap seriously and did it, my life would be amazing right now.

    But there's a good quote from the lion king I remember. "Yes the past can hurt but you have 2 choices. You can either run from the past or learn from it". Now that you realize all the mistakes you have done in the past, you have so much room to learn from it and improve your life so that you don't make those drastic mistakes again. I'm no saint, but I believe in you dude. You can do this.
    n7elite30 likes this.
  10. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

    This is a universal belief that cannot be argued with. Luckily that has nothing to do with how true it is or isn't. We could be g, cajole, yell, reason, on an d on and it would not change this belief, like a religion. It is your choice, no one not even your mind can dictate where you put your attention. All things change and this idea is no exception. Good luck friend.
  11. You are way, way too hard on yourself about the past.

    You are 1/2 way through a hard mode reboot.

    When you get to the end, your anxiety will almost be gone.

    What replaces it is courage.

    Take risks, be brave, be bold.

    Don't play video games. Don't look at social media.

    Live a real life.
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  12. TrueSaiyan

    TrueSaiyan Fapstronaut


    My friend I can actually relate. I have social anxiety and some times its hard as fuck for me to open up to people. As others do it on the spot and get in relationships. I as well miss the cue points on when to ask a girl out or give up when they mention a husband or boyfriend. I feel as if I have given up for right now. Some of my coworkers get into relationships easily and it bugs the crap out of me. My friend also don't rush on in with the relationships and give it time. Some get muddy when things go to quickly or the attraction comes and goes. But if you've been good friends for a while then why not swing the bat?

    It seems like you want to express yourself. Have you thought about finding some hobby you can do that to your self in? Allot of woman find it attractive with guys or girls who have hobbies such as Djing or etc..
  13. I'm not a psychologist but I have been where you have been.

    Social anxiety can possibly originate from abandonment experiences during one's baby years, toddler years, etc. Let me explain.

    (I learned this from No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover: the most important book for men who grew up without a father or had a father who didn't care, or, had a spineless "nice guy" father.)

    Children are dependent on parents for survival. When a child's needs are not met in a timely manner, one or more times, the child may start to think that they must have deserved their needs not being met. This makes them form the erroneous belief in adulthood that they are not good enough, not lovable, not likeable, not physically attractive for potential mates, etc.

    So the child assumes that they are bad and not lovable. If somebody believes this about themselves they will naturally be anxious in social situations because of the need to hide "the fact that they are so unlovable and bad that their own parents ignored their needs when they were young". This causes anxiety in the form of fear regarding the people discovering that they are not worth the people's time in any way.

    I'm just throwing this out there. Social anxiety has many different causes. I am just relating the cause of mine, which I have now mostly conquered because of that book, and massive soul-searching coupled with brutal self-honesty.

    In my experience, I find that people cling to diagnoses given to them by "mental health professionals" so much so that the diagnosis becomes a guiding prophecy in their life. A long time ago my "doctor" tried to prescribe anti-anxiety medication to me... I told him NO F- WAY.

    Last thing: addiction is often another by-product of abandonment. Drugs are a way to bury the pain of feeling not good enough for anybody in the world. I too spent many years addicted to PMO and marijuana. I hate them both now and I'm completely free from them both.

    I hope this helps, even just a little. If I am way off the mark, then my apologies.
  14. I think you are a special guy: your life is unique and your mind is unique. No one is free from problems in our World man, you just need to choice how to deal with your issues. For example, i have a chemical disorder in my oganism than make me super anxious and depressed, and after years trying to discover how to cure it i found peace in study, meditation, physical exercises, science and Jesus. I also have PMO habit and fight everyday against the evil created by the P industry in our world and in my heart. I hope you find something you like to do, and find someone that love you. Theres nothing wrong with you, you just need to understand one thing: no one is perfect.

    I recommend you to try some workout, study something you like and find a way to learn to trust in yourself. I hope you find peace in yout heart.

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