I keep thinking about the month I had when I went to college for the first time and had no source of PMO or drugs and was finally starting to make friends and talking to girls confidently. Then I revert back to my old ways and 12 years go by faster than I can even think and it's like if only I stayed on track this whole time my life would have been amazing. I met a beautiful girl along the way and didn't even have the confidence to ask her out. So many other women I've passed up on and all I did was smoke weed and masturbate for most of the day. It never hit me so hard until now. Until I stopped the weed and porn I just never realized how hard those things impacted my life. I hate that my parents never cared enough to tell me that smoking marijuana will make me regret my life choices. I hate the fact that I was so addicted to porn that the only thing that turned me on was watching get facial abused. I hate the fact that I've given up sex for self pleasure. I hate my sickness in general. I love who I am but my addictions have killed me. I was also born with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and no one I know can relate to how I feel. Why did God have to be so cruel when making me? I wonder these things. I rather have a missing arm than have this mental illness. I just want to be carefree, and open to expressing myself. I have a mental block in my head and I will probably be this way forever.