I want this time to be different..

So yesterday, i told my self

"This is going to be the last time.."
Again.
Like i had told myself a few days before,
And a few days before that too.

I have such an active and vivid imagination that i dont even need pornography to get me fapping, even a couple cuddling pic on pintrest can get me started and keep me going.

Wow.
And its so difficult trusting myself when i feel so debased, when i get triggered by the slightest of things, cos surely this cant be normal. And every time i try and fail i feel even more controled by my own feelings, and even less in control of my own self.

This area where i lack in self-control and self-discipline affects how i perceive myself and my own abilities immensely.

Theres so much i need in order to become who i want to be.. focus, discipline, effort, consistancy. All these things i keep lacking in. I feel so consumed by my own short comingings.

I watched a tedtalk once and the lady was speaking about how she would get into destructive relationships to escape herself, and she would let herself be so enthralled by the other human that she would have no time for anything else.

And i felt that,
I felt that on a soul level.

Because when I'm alone in my bed consumed by my own thoughts and fantasies (insert:- fapping) I dont need to think about my wounds, and goals, and heal and mourn. I just escape.

But what good is escaping?

Cos the problems and dreams remain, but the mental fortitude and drive just keeps diminishing, and it just seems like I'll never be able to change.

Hi.

I'm a 24 year old creative, working in a technical field, dreaming about being a designer and entrepreneur who volenteers and contributes within her community.

I'm also a chronic fapper. I have this memory of being so flippen young must have been around age 6 or 7, at my cousins place humping one of those big teddy bears and all i can remember is an aunt seeing me and looking at me like WTH???

I also remember being about 12/13 and spending my afternoons after school laying in bed daydreaming and fapping till sunset. I loved reading, so I'd google sex stories and while the family is sitting together or driving around. I'd be on my phone reading and imagining pornographic literature.

So its diffucult for me to stop, i want to. But this is my form of comfort and escapism and this is what i know.

Anyway. Today, while at work I got triggered and youtubed "stop porn" and nofap motivational videos popped up. I rememberd reading an article once about the rise of nofap, so i googled it and signed up. And now I've written this long a@# article basically trying to say, i want to stop masterbating and constantly thinking about sex and actually do more with my life, but I've been like this for so long, so a part of me lowkey doesnt even think i could ever really stop.