I want to be transparent

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by runawayslave67, Sep 7, 2020.

  1. runawayslave67

    runawayslave67 New Fapstronaut

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    I've been struggling to do NoFap for the last four and a half years. So many beautiful women have taken the time to get to know me but my unhealthy relationship with sex and pornography have left me a kissless virgin at the age of 19. I can remember being inappropriately touched as a kid and porn has become a way for me to escape from reality. I've dropped my drug addiction but I still can't stop compulsively masturbating. I've even started reading gay sex stories which has created a tear in my identity and has led to me feeling empty and lost. I worry I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship with a women. I worry I'll continue to chase sex and porn for the rest of my life, always unsatisfied. I'm tired of hiding all this. I'm tired of keeping secrets, of hiding a "true self." I've even started going to church as of last week in hopes that maybe God can save me from this. I want to beat this. How can I fight urges and sexual thoughts that come to me? How can I one day not have to worry about this again? Is that possible? Is there any foolproof way that I can not relapse again so I can be sure I'm always in control of my body? Somebody please help.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  2. ElizabethManning

    ElizabethManning Fapstronaut

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    Omg, sometimes I want it too...
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  3. onepiece

    onepiece Fapstronaut

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    addiction isnt a joke and it sucks when you feel like you cant do anything about it. but you have to keep trying do your best to block that negativity go through your head . good luck !
     
  4. runawayslave67

    runawayslave67 New Fapstronaut

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    I'm taking action to make it more difficult for me to access porn. I've installed a few porn blockers on my devices with passwords I typed in at random. I'm getting rid of my smartphone and am going to start taking the time to get to know myself and my demons better. I hope we can all make it through this. Though, I've read a few gay stories, I've never been attracted to guys and just want to be used sexually. At least that is what it seems to me. Despite the gender, I only want to have sex in a loving relationship where the other person cares for me as I care for them. I'm taking this one day at a time. I wish you guys luck on your journey, thank you for responding to my thread. :)
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  5. This is sometimes called "going for broke" and when our addictions get powerful enough we might have a powerful desire to "get caught" or somehow let the whole world know. Something deep down inside knows that your addiction is killing you and wants it out at whatever the cost.
    I believe this is at least part of what drives people to engage in risky behaviour. Some part of them is hoping that they will get caught. The unfortunate truth is that many people were not able to stop their addictive behaviour before experiencing really bad consequences like losing a relationship, humiliation and/or legal trouble.

    My advice - be careful with those impulses! Being too transparent might get you into a lot of trouble. You are doing the right thing by asking for help whether it is through your church or on this forum. Consider a 12-step group for sex addiction such as SA, SAA or SLAA (look them up . . . ) - the first step is admitting that you are powerless over your sex addiction (compulsive masturbation) and that your life has become unmanageable. You have already taken that step by admitting it in the opening post!

    There really aren't any shortcuts. Porn blockers and other tools can help, but it's a slow process of working through your past and changing your behaviours moving forward. When you are better and in recovery from your sex addiction, then you can be transparent in a different way . . . you will be able to talk about how you struggled and what you did to get better. :)
     

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