I want to change but how??

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by [email protected], Jun 15, 2022.

Do you forget or ignore your goals when the urge to watch porn and masturbate takes over?

  1. Yes, it happens frequently with me.

    9 vote(s)
    52.9%
  2. It makes me break long cycles of abstinence.

    5 vote(s)
    29.4%
  3. No, I keep my focus on the my goals. They help me stay away.

    3 vote(s)
    17.6%
  1. Sh@un2610

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

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    Please help me. I am stuck and can't break from this cycle of guilt and lust (towards porn). I try, but every time I am overpowered by the urge to get a quick relief, get it over with as the imagery keeps on disturbing my thoughts my focus in whatever I am doing, only to fall in a deep dark well of shame and guilt.

    I am 37, unsuccessful and jobless, almost at the brink of giving up on my life. Its tough..every time the thoughts of getting a relief, just as a distraction from the drudgery of my life, a quick fix dose of orgasm. And then I feel so small, i dont want to meet my friends, or anyone, I try to cocoon myself in the room, as long as possible. And then the urge returns, sometimes I have to masturbate 2-3 times in a day.

    I have lost all confidence on myself. I wonder I would be able to live a normal life again. I have lost a lot, and still I am not able to understand how much my life is ruined already, every thought, every emotion is taken over by the urge to watch porn and masturbate.

    I suffer. I look around at successful people, good, hardworking people and wonder if they know. And I guess so it shows. People percieve things from my behavior, my lack of self esteem is evident. I am not able to make eye contact with friends, not able to talk as i frequently forget things, and everytime I forget something, I think about how much of a loser I am, and while thinking so, i lose the thought train totally.

    There is just so much to tell...but what's the point. I just relieved myself from by watching porn, and by morning I will forget this, may be my registration on Nofap, and get into finding the place and time to do it again.

    This cycle needs to break, I dont know how. This is the biggest hindrance in my life..I am the biggest hindrance on my way to success.
     
  2. DonkeyKart8

    DonkeyKart8 Fapstronaut

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    I am no expert, so take all this (and anyhing else you see on this forum, really) with a grain of salt.

    Your counter is at 500+ days. If that is correct, then you are well on your path. If not, then I have to ask...your profile shows you have been a member since 2015. What have you tried? If you have been in a cycle of reset/relapse every few days, then you need to try something you have not done before.

    You have to find a motivation. For me, it was several things: understanding how I was impacting my relationship with my SO, the realization that I did not want to support an industry that promoted human trafficking and objectification of women, and who I was becoming was not who I wanted to be.

    It might help to create a mental image of who you want to be a month from now (or 6 months or a year). Then focus on that instead of any counters. It is easy to become obsessive about what we focus on, so focus on the future. Focusing on the counters will never allow you to fully break free.

    But that will not be enough. You have to be willing to put in the work. For example, you want to meet your friends-set it up; you want to be more physically active-start an exercise program. Do the things necessary to become who you want to be.

    You also need to understand your triggers and have a strategy to deal when they pop up, be it cold showers, affirmations, exercise, or something else. For me, I find praying the Our Father helpful. The phrase "lead us not into temptation" calms me and pulls me away from the trigger. You do what works for you.

    I wish you well in your efforts.
     
    RobbyGo36 and Swift Escape like this.
  3. Swift Escape

    Swift Escape Fapstronaut

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    Men without purpose dive into pleasure in the hopes of forgetting that fact. As I stress time and time again, the brain enjoys what's it doing unless it's outright dying. It doesn't matter if the activity in question is helpful or harmful, the brain doesn't discriminate. It's up to the individual to decide to get in the groove of repeating behaviors that generate successful feelings and results. So here's something that might help you:

    At the close of every day, I want you to take a pen and paper and answer the following questions:

    -How did I grow today?

    -How did I contribute today?

    I don't care if it's as mundane as doing twenty pushups and waving at your neighbor, answer these questions every night without exception and you will find the kernel that generates the ultimate question. No exceptions, no excuses. You have permission to change your life for the better, forever.
     
    RobbyGo36 and [email protected] like this.
  4. Sh@un2610

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

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    Hey Swiftescape,

    Thanks for replying. Tonight, I felt the same urge, I opened some porn, watched it, and almost started to masturbate, but I stopped. Closed the window, kept my phone aside.

    And only after that, I read your post. Here

    How did I grow today?
    - I went for a run in the morning. I face sleep issues , can't sleep. Even though got up late, I went still. After almost a month. It felt good.

    How did I contribute today?
    - Not much, I procrastinated mostly, avoiding sleep, do that I can sleep properly tonight. But still cant sleep. That's when I get an urge to do it. I ll go for a run tomorrow too, and will try some yoga.

    Again, thanks for replying. You gave me hope, I really appreciate it. Today, at least I stopped myself from doing it, if not seeing it. I ll keep trying. Wish you all the best.
     
    RobbyGo36 and Swift Escape like this.
  5. Dr.J_76ers

    Dr.J_76ers Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, it's imperative that you get out of the house. Not only will it keep you from thinking sexual thoughts but the socialization often has a positive effect.
    For me, the first few times during quarantine that I would be out of my house and I was meeting people, I was a bumbling mess. But it got a lot better really quickly. Especially if you go outside everyday for a few hours.
     
  6. Swift Escape

    Swift Escape Fapstronaut

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    Proud of you dude! You can do it once, you can do it an infinite amount of times- recognize the success and feel the rush!
     
    RobbyGo36 likes this.
  7. Sh@un2610

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

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    I just relapsed, could not even hold for 3days...it sucks to be me.
     
  8. Dr.J_76ers

    Dr.J_76ers Fapstronaut

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    Almost every Fapstronaut has to go through this, you're not alone.
     
  9. Voyager22

    Voyager22 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Shaun
    You are like everyone I think, we take a step backwards even when we've gone forwards. You're just normal like us all. We are not perfect.
    It's good to take exercise, go walking or do sport, this makes us feel better and you get tired in a good way.
    Take care of yourself!
     
    Dr.J_76ers likes this.
  10. takeaction21

    takeaction21 Fapstronaut

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    When the urge comes, the first thing I do is tell that voice no. This will trigger a reaction of pain and lack and a sort of black hole opens itself up. I then take a deep breath and ask myself how I can fill that fill that hole from the point of view of the man I want to be. So for instance I would go for a walk, do some breath work or just take a nap. Ultimately the urges are just thoughts and do force you to take action, but if just let them linger in your mind or try to avoid with willpower they will overpower eventually; so find a way to fill the void intrinsically and not outside of yourself. this video helped me understand this concept.
     
    RobbyGo36 likes this.
  11. What's the saying? "The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first steps". You've realized you've hit the bottom, now it's time to baby step your way to the top: Focus on your health, your mental, spiritual and physical health. Start slow, with small changes-- incorporate healthier foods on a daily basis, catch your self-putdowns in conversations before the come out, take short walks that become longer and longer, read good books, take 2-3 minutes a day to meditate and pray, hang out with people you respect and that respect you.Find a support group like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) or a Porn Addicts Anonymous Group (don't know if they exist, but worth trying)-- find other people! You need them and they need you. They will help you break your chain of isolation and shame that keeps this addiction going.

    It doesn't happen overnight, but these small changes add up and gain momentum and before you know it, you've changed from the inside out.

    I really like Swift Escape's post, men with no purpose indulge to forget they have no purpose. That was me, is still me in many respects (haven't quite figured out what I want to do when I grow up and I'm 40) but with help from myself and other people, and God, I'm changing that for the better. I will find it. So aim towards purpose, take responsibility whatever that may look like for you. Even though I don't know you, I know you possess great strength that is driving your search here to be better. Keep using that to break free upwards and outwards. God bless.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2022
    Dr.J_76ers likes this.

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