I want to gain control of my life.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by DayByDayWinner, May 17, 2019.

  1. DayByDayWinner

    DayByDayWinner New Fapstronaut

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    Dear NoFap,
    I’m a 26 year old; attractive, creative college educated younger man. I’m 6’2, about 260lbs and even though, I’m a bit pudge right now, it’s not a big issue for me, as I usually carry myself with a natural charm and let my nice smile be the highlight when introducing/communicating with others.
    In all honesty most women are attracted to me and can’t help but offer a flirty vibe when we catch eyes. I’m a musician, artist and poet in a linebackers body; in all actuality I’d say I’m some women’s ideal guy.
    (If there is such a thing ..)

    So, moving ahead...
    I grew up to in a single parent home, I was raised by my mother and lived with my effeminate gay older brother most of my life. Having a brother that got picked on for being gay made me resent him for sometime, as I was eager throughout most of my yong life to figure out a how to exist in this world as a straight, masculine man that is VERY attracted to women (which I’d say is hard enough today without a gay older brother ) and didnt have the role model I felt I needed. Partially because of this, growing up, I never felt I had had “game”, the girls that liked me picked on me and this sort of put a bit of a damper on my self confidence. However as most people reading this would conclude, porn was my personal way to maneuver through that (imagined) reality of feeling like a looser for not pulling girls the way my favorite rappers did.

    Anyway, that being said, I’ve been living with the personal struggle of not only being unable to totally control my masterbation and porn viewing habits since I’ve been about 15; but it has gotten to the point in which I’ve come to question the reality of my sexuality (because of the range of porn I’ve shifted through over the years). When I first started watching porn, big tits and milfs were my thing, then lesbian porn, after my stint with that, I somehow got into trans porn, crossdressers/drag queens and now, even feminine men can be a turn on for me.

    However, as I type this, I can recognize and attribute the process of me being able to make myself cum, to the misuse of my creative energy (as I might imagine senarios so kinky/unorthodox that watching them play out turns me on). That has led me to random hookups with men that just want to dress up in drag suck me off (and essentially take advantage of me), me sniffing poppers, drinking to accept or somehow normalize what I’ve been exposing myself to, ALL THROUGH PORN.

    So, although I’m probably at the weakest and lowest point I’ve ever been in terms of my will power, spirit and my control (and most people would never know); I still feel like there’s a chance I could quit watching porn and masterbation for good. I feel like I can somehow step into my destiny as a winner, regain control of my desires and essentially re capture my manhood. I would like to lead a life that I’m proud of; I want a wife and a family. I don’t want my baby sexuality (or ED) in the back of my mind when I’m with a woman on a date or in bed. I’ve read books on self improvement, tried taking a break (seven days), etc. however, this is the first time I’ve ever shared any of this information about myself (on any level). Hopefully the users on here can offer me some motivation or a kind word, hopefully this can make a difference in my life somehow..
    I’m looking forward to hearing from you guys and your stories of success!
     
  2. Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story.
     

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