I wanted to cover pain with PMO.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by hungarianpmowarrior, May 17, 2016.

  1. Yesterday I realised something...
    It's almost 40 days sice I last fapped, but I sometimes edged for about few minutes and about 4-5 times. Last time I edged was yesterday and thanks for that I am now closer to the 'enlightment'.
    I am afraid of death.
    In the last 2-3 years, 4 of my friends/aqauintanes are dead. They died young and tragic ways and shocked me so much.
    Yesterday morning I learnt that a friend of mine's friend died of an illness. I talked with him only 2 or 3 times, still I was shocked. In the evening I caught myself edging... Then I relised that I wanted to escape from pain, and in the past I used porn in order to cover pain and negative things in life.
    I realised that porn for me used to be an island which didn't inlclude any any bad things but beautiness with maximum joy.
    It was a great happiness to realise this fact and I won't use this drug anymore of course but the hardest thing for is coping with death.
    I am DREAD of losing someone I love, anyone of my loved ones. Sooner or later, everyone will be dead, including me... I am afraid of death so much and I can't handle this feeling. I know it is no good to think about this thing but I can't help myself. I don't even like getting msgs because of any bad news...
    How can one handle death? I know everyone of us are affected by this...
    I realised that I had hold on to porn and it is a symbol of how I hold on physical body and to the world we live in.
    How can I handle the phenomenon of passing?
    BobDobbs likes this.
  2. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

    Hey hungarianpmowarrior,

    You have asked the question that has plagued people for centuries. How do I gone on knowing, really knowing, that the future holds some much pain and loss? At this point most philosophers go for a stiff drink. It is not an easy question, but I will tell you what I have found. The first thing to think about is this: the only place that the sun shines every day is in the desert, a place where very little lives or grows. The second thing is: you can't paint a masterpiece of art with only the bright colors. Those are things to remember but are pretty trite sounding in the midst of a loss.

    So, here is the real deal, life is going to have moments that hurt. If it doesn't then it means your life is empty, no one that you care about and nothing that you value. If you live life trying to avoid relationships that might end in pain, then your life will be a long lonely painful, possibly meaningless, existence. Choose which one you would rather have, a life that has joy and friendship and love salted with the pain of loss, or a life of dull empty desert that doesn't have either one.
    Last edited: May 17, 2016
  3. thank you man, great and useful words... and congratulations for your 2000+ days
  4. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    I love what @jfromcr wrote on this! I feel the same way.

    Although my take is a little different than yours, @hungarianpmowarrior, I will share it:

    For me the depths of my pain were deep enough that death would have been a welcomed relief. Now I wasn't suicidal, but if God saw fit to bring me home during that time, I was okay with that.

    ALSO, Not to say that your pain is less deep than mine--not at all! But I did notice a difference. And the difference is:
    When I was in the midst of all my crap, I no longer wanted to live. ​

    I only bring this up because IT FARES WELL FOR YOU! I say NoFap is a great place to begin the next phase of your life. YOU WANT TO LIVE, so why not live free of PMO, heal from the trauma of your losses, get your brain rewired and REALLY BEGIN LIVING.

    LIVE BIG!!!
    Find your purpose in life.
    Find your passion.
    "While alive, live!"
    I could be wrong about you, but I get a feeling all this fear is meant to keep someone very strong from making a HUGE impact on his world!!!
  5. InvisibleControl

    InvisibleControl Fapstronaut

    you need to embrace Vulnerability.Read the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.

    To live life in its fullest and enjoy every moment you need to embrace vulnerability and uncertainty.Thats the preface of life
    hungarianpmowarrior likes this.
  6. Wisdom sentences, thank you.
    Yes, I am in the middle of a deep hole if I can say it and I can’t find the way out, I can’t see the light in the end of the tunnel.
    There is nothing in my life whuch would give me pleasure, I should find one. Tgese days I just work-eat-sleep and being costantly tired. I hope I manage to get out.

    I'll read that book.
  7. MapOSU

    MapOSU New Fapstronaut

    Try to not pay too much attention to time. As you encounter loss, hurt & other difficulties you will be equipped to handle them. Life & death is sort of life a lifeboat - I don't get to choose who gets & who gets out, I just need to make sure I keep rowing.
    INSANE SMART WARRIOR likes this.
  8. programer

    programer Fapstronaut

  9. TeddyBear

    TeddyBear Fapstronaut

    I like to think this. I've no religious standing. I've been brought up Christian, but disagree with a lot of the philosophizes. It's my very own in the gut belief. Your life, your friends life, the life of the soul bagging your groceries are all energies. When one dies with good energy, i.e a happy, fulfilled, healthy life lived with glee and lived wholeheartedly they become energy that goes back into the world to be reabsorbed for positive. It's my justification for those moments you meet someone and feel like you've know them so long. When one dies with bad energy, rapist, serial killer, just plain angry and hateful that energy is reabsorbed as negative. Maybe energy for a weed or tick, I don't decide the cosmos I only contemplate them. If ones dies angry or hateful the result is a release of anger or hatefulness. If one dies happy and content the release is happy and gratifying. I'm not saying jump off a bridge with happy thoughts like Peter Pan, no one is gonna fly off that - I'm positive.. But look at the positive impacts of each of your friends lives. Their energy is out there. Somewhere, doing good things. Unless they were awful individuals, then you may find yourself crushing little mosquitoes, as it has very little purpose - to my very limited knowledge. I've lost a lot of friends, acquaintances, family in my life also. I am not making light of how you feel, but humor about life is how I cope. Same for the policeman, firefighter, soldiers, sailors and marines (cause if I put them under soldier they'd be pissed). Life can really lay you low. You can't let it keep you that way though. When it's your time (a long time from now with the fates blessing) leave a positive energy with the world. Spread love, do good things, try to forgive (much harder than it sounds), sing, dance, make someone laugh. I'm sure your friends did, otherwise you wouldn't be wondering these things.
    dewdrop and Sleeping_Beauty like this.
  10. aussiedave

    aussiedave Fapstronaut

    @hungarianpmowarrior completely see where you are coming from. for using pn was an escape, like drinking alcohol or using drugs. for personal reasons i will never touch those, so i turned to pn because it made me "numb" for lack of a better word. these days i fear it. i'm aware of the addiction. it comes from my mental illness, i know that. however knowing that and starting the journey to change are different things.
    change is hard bud. we all are here for it.
    good luck with your journey.
  11. yousuff

    yousuff Fapstronaut

    I was once so afraid of being dead. Then I came across this video on YouTube:
    Trust me man, this video changed the whole idea of death. Now I embrace death. Please watch the video.
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2016


    What else can I do to overcome fear of death.
  13. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut


    If you mean besides having children, I would say that you can pass a torch to someone else in a manner of the master teaching a student.

    If you are really afraid of death and don't feel reassured by the whole "my memory lives on thing" I get it. I think that death should be scary, because regardless of what you believe your ability it impact the world will be gone (most likely).

    But, I like what M. Night Shyamalan tried to convey in After Earth, there is danger and there is fear. One of them will kill you, the other is just a mind plague that we have to navigate.

    Fear is not something we have to reject, but it would help if we understand it. What is your fear based in?
    INSANE SMART WARRIOR likes this.


    I w
    Thanks jfromcr,
    I will try to understand my fear.
  15. I think you should think more about death, explore it as much as you can. If you meditate, meditate about death, its a part of life that we are all going to have to deal with and to eventually face ourselves. I dont think avoiding it is going to help.

    Just writting this made me realise that I need to do the same with my own fears hahaha. Shit!

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