Yesterday I realised something... It's almost 40 days sice I last fapped, but I sometimes edged for about few minutes and about 4-5 times. Last time I edged was yesterday and thanks for that I am now closer to the 'enlightment'. I am afraid of death. In the last 2-3 years, 4 of my friends/aqauintanes are dead. They died young and tragic ways and shocked me so much. Yesterday morning I learnt that a friend of mine's friend died of an illness. I talked with him only 2 or 3 times, still I was shocked. In the evening I caught myself edging... Then I relised that I wanted to escape from pain, and in the past I used porn in order to cover pain and negative things in life. I realised that porn for me used to be an island which didn't inlclude any any bad things but beautiness with maximum joy. It was a great happiness to realise this fact and I won't use this drug anymore of course but the hardest thing for is coping with death. I am DREAD of losing someone I love, anyone of my loved ones. Sooner or later, everyone will be dead, including me... I am afraid of death so much and I can't handle this feeling. I know it is no good to think about this thing but I can't help myself. I don't even like getting msgs because of any bad news... How can one handle death? I know everyone of us are affected by this... I realised that I had hold on to porn and it is a symbol of how I hold on physical body and to the world we live in. How can I handle the phenomenon of passing?