I was a content creator

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Elihu, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. Elihu

    Elihu Fapstronaut

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    I wanted to share this because it's part of my addiction. I'll do my best not to toss in the type of content, even though I do want to talk about that.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Nope, I'm not a model (thought about it for what little cash I could make). I'm a simple 33 year old who after some 15 years of using the internet, learned enough html and video editing to be able to produce the content I wanted to see. What started and streaming Realplayer videos on a website (yup, back in the day-day), to learning how to actually save them when "Right Click > Save as" was disabled, to getting screen recording software and studio-level editing tools, I was able to feed my budding addiction and share with others.

    It was empowering. I should say that what I like falls into the fetish arena, and from what my wife calls "this isn't porn." I qualify what I watch as porn as it has the same effect on my sexually even if the content is pg. It was cool strolling through the internet, finding even 3 seconds of footage and having a new video up in a minute. I am/was really good at it. I have 2 youtube channels, one for P. free content that I want to be known for, and a channel that contained my "other works." Of course the 2nd channel had some 50k subs while my existing channel is... well I'm happy with it.

    I realized at some point, I had created about 2k videos, about maybe 1k of them were unique with the others being some remixed or updated version of an original work. I would wake up everyday and spend 2+ hours finding content, editing content, or both. I didn't necessarily like spending time looking for it, but that urge to find something new was growing. What was once limited to certain websites spread to me looking in youtube. Then from youtube to fetish specific sites. From there, it was sites dedicated to all array of P. content that did have what I was looking for. It's like an encyclopedia... a treasure trove of source content ripe for producing more. It seemed never-ending even if I didn't find what I was looking for, I'd keep scrolling... keep searching new keywords. I'd find 1 new thing that I was looking for, and that would keep me encouraged to find more. Typically, I would find what I was looking for in big waves rather than a steady flow (at some point, you've "seen it all.")

    When I would cycle through dropping PMO, I would still look for more P. Dropping PMO was not hard, but what was tough was this urge to look for it. I didn't solely want it for myself but I felt like I owed the community. I had 2 reasons/excuses to search for it making it that much harder to give up. This is why once I made a larger commitment to give up P., that I realized I had serious addiction. Not only was it used to get my PMO, but I was addicted to "the chase." Just like Facebook, I felt like I was missing out on a conversation, new information. I needed to know what was going on in my industry to stay relevant... in this dark, "alone" habit.

    It's a curious case to be sure. I want to add more to this. I thought I would share another side of this conversation. I know I'm not the only one out there doing what I've done. It's a weird thought that I used to feed the habits of others.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part 2

    I am still driven to look for new content to piece together some new thing. I even searched for it yesterday on the safest site. I was fortunate that I found nothing. It wasn't a deep search and was for about 2 minutes or so. I was hoping to find nothing so I wouldn't feel like I was missing anything. It's a weird hope as well because I know I want to find something even if I'm committed not to PMO. But I would assume this was a sign of the Lord working in my life to keep me away from this.

    The human mind is a trip. I can find myself forming a logic to validate the search and possible creation of content even if I won't PMO. One thing that I like that I've reclaimed is the time spent looking for and creating content. This is what is lost to people... time. 2 hours every day spent on creating something that I might use for another 1 or 2 in total before it's uploaded or archived. I'm almost 30 days in and the burning for seeing P/ is all but gone. The yearning to be looking for it is there, though a little weaker, especially since I found nothing. I'm glad I have the wherewithal to not go looking for my version of P/ on legit P/ sites, but what I did wasn't wise. Yet, the feeling and confidence I have in knowing that there wasn't anything I was looking for in almost a months time in the web spaces that got me to solidify my process of P/ consumption is relaxing.

    On the other hand, I realized there are other "safe" sites that I didn't search that I am in high confidence that I would find something. What is scary is the grip this stuff has on me from multiple angles. I think I have my commitment to no PMO on lock. Where I am wavering is engaging in looking for P/ content to "insert BS reason." It really doesn't matter that I would make sure not to PMO, the fact that I entertain going back to searching for the very content that made my wife lose confidence in me is frightening.

    My mind, like others, is selfish. It can easily put out other's feelings, even when I claim to care, to satisfy a lust to P/. I don't see this sort of logic appear anywhere else in my life. In actuality, I don't have much of a care for the P/ consuming community beyond that they exist. I know I only care about producing P/ just for me. The question is, it's not just a work of art catalog like my Youtube channel made for music and games. It's a shady space whose objective is made very obvious to anyone that browsed its wares. I remember getting 2 emails from women that wanted me to remove content because they didn't want to this to be attached to them. Even if the content was freely available to anyone, anywhere and I don't alter what is being viewed, the fact that it would exist in a library with other videos that communicate an obvious fetish restructures how someone would view their work. Out of 3ish requests to remove certain videos, 1 made sure to protect a person's identity, another was taken down for copyright, and 1 I did nothing and beat a claim due to creative commons among other reasons.

    There is still much more to write. This is a good stopping point.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
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  2. Thank you for sharing that story. There are probably a few others who have done this as well, don't feel alone.
    Looking back it seem crazy the places this has lead us, until we get here and find out how many others have the same problems.
     
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  3. Elihu

    Elihu Fapstronaut

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    I don't feel alone at all. I would definitely say I was a trailblazer in my content area, but that doesn't really matter. I think it's one of those, "how did we get here" things. It's an interesting space to be in for sure because we talk about the actors in P/. We talk about the industry as a whole and distribution sites. Then, there are these lone agents that compile content on their own. There is a wealth of that going on, and my guess is that they are doing it to feel their lusts primarily. An alternative reasoning would to turn some type of profit, though it would be a minuscule amount of their aren't actually generating new content in the form of real P/.

    I added a Part 2. There is more in the unwinding of this knot. I know there are people here with similar experiences. It might not be PMO, but it's that first letter that is a driving force for the latter 2.
     
  4. So you were looking for a rare porn and you were editing it?
     
  5. Elihu

    Elihu Fapstronaut

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    In a way. I would say this particular fetish was not leading in popularity in its category. There are 2 content categories. One, the content that was specifically made for that fetish (meaning, the actors are directly contributing to the P/ content). The other, the source content purpose wasn't for the fetish, but was (re)engineered to serve the same purpose. I would generated the second category of videos. It's the 2nd category that is a bit more elusive as it's already an uncommon subcategory in a space that requires you to find the particular content in something that would otherwise have not been created to satisfy a fetish. However, it depends on your fetish. I can see if you have a really.... really... uncommon fetish that few people would act it out. So, you would have to search for it. Mine wasn't starved for actors, but isn't a popular genre.

    Without revealing the fetish (so not to trigger anyone), it's like my fetish would be seeing apple seeds fall out of the apple. Some people make video dedicated to apple seeds falling out of apples (this would be Pornstars making specifically this type of video for the P/ industry). Others take clips where this happens, but the "core" of the content was about something else. Maybe it's a video about preserving agriculture and there is a clip about an apple seed falling out of an apple. These clips essentially become a video dedicated to my fetish which is an apple seed falling out of an apple.

    We see this all the time with tv, movies, and videogames. A screenshot taken in, or out of context of "insert your flavor of the day." A clip of the sexy scene in a movie. A short of a certain commercial or part of a video where a random somebody looks a certain way and becomes the idol of sexual interest.
     
  6. Congrats on the insight. So, what's your purpose here? Are you looking for a clean conscience? Because if you are, it would be far more effective to convince other producers of your own beliefs than it would be to express your sorrows on here. No offense, but I can imagine that where you are coming from, there's valuable goals to be met should you wish to make real amends. I'm sorry but I just can't understand what is driving porn producers to make this filth. What is it you were after? Money? More perverted content? Don't the makers realize they are causing real suffering, more than they can ever imagine?
     
  7. Elihu

    Elihu Fapstronaut

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    No offense taken. If I can speak to a few of your comments.
    1. My conscience is clear, and I'm not looking for anything. This was a perspective I wanted to share. There is victory on all sides of this struggle, and I am just a cog in the systme.
    2. Everyone has to arrive to their own conclusion in their own time and way. The reality is, if P/ didn't sell on it's own, it wouldn't be the industry it is. The industry exists because people were likely making content for themselves. Maybe a "leaked" video sparked it, IDK. But even minus me as a contributor, this is a well-greased machine. People are seeking it out more than people can produce it.
    3. To the end of #2, producers have different reasons much like those shared in the thread about why pornstars do what they do. I believe people initially created what they wanted to see and shared it. Realizing that there was a demand, you can see how profit could be the logical next step.
    4. We can all take on a noble mantle to fight the system. My fight is to reclaim control of me and hopefully hope others in their walk.
    5. Few people are truly analyzing the harm cause by what they do. The P/ industry is likely more intuned to the negative factors. It's a business that provides cash, power, lustful satisfaction, popularity, and more... to any of the players. I think with the promise of gain as a person with some lack (in any area), this industry would be very enticing.
    6. There are also unintended players. Do we really blame Flo from Progressive and... Sonic the hedgehog for being molded into a sexual fantasy (I just assume stuff like that exists)? Do we blame the person wearing "insert clothing" as an abominable slutmonger that is polluting the minds of people in filthy sexual practices purely because they wore something and someone else enjoyed it? It's a very muddy area.
     
  8. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    It's funny the little mind games we play with ourselves to keep our addictions going. I remember when I was hooked on opiates I used to drive by my dealers house "hoping" he wasn't there. Cuz if he was there then I was missing out on getting high but if he wasn't then it would be impossible to get high anyway and I liked knowing I wasn't missing out.
     
  9. cleaningupmyact

    cleaningupmyact Fapstronaut

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    Reading your post was strange....it sounds like you are partly onboard with PMO but not really addressing the core issues of your addiction yet. I'm glad you made it here and I'm glad you are starting to critically think about the impact of PMO on your life.

    I used to do the same thing, but for personal reasons. I also like the "chase" and the "collecting." Before I deleted my collection I could have easily made a website with all the material and charged money.

    It took practicing non PMO to see the benefits of who I could be without it. When I started to get streaks going I would begin to realize this PMO "crutch" and remove it. When I got a loooong streak going at one point I finally deleted it all...that was DIFFICULT! One of the hardest things to do, actually.
    But the beauty of it is that it was MY choice, the me in the past. I can't blame anyone, I did it for myself. So now when I think about the "chase" or the "collection" I have this big fat reminder that a smarter, healthier me will just delete it so I no longer need to collect.

    Also, this collecting and chasing is only possible because P conditions us to see women as objects. I know it sounds like whiny stuff but it really is true...it's like collecting baseball cards or something. We numb or ignore the suffering of these women. This, in turn, ABSOLUTELY causes us suffering. It is hidden, but trust me, it is there.

    I hope you continue on your journey. You have an insight that many of us do not. As an ex-producer (or recovering) you are in a gifted role to make more change and help many more than most of us can. I hope you use your knowledge and insight for good, for a better you and a better world.
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2019
  10. TontosBlackHat

    TontosBlackHat New Fapstronaut

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    Wow, what a read, I totally feel it. After reading that I feel way more motivation and hopeful. Thank you for sharing
     
  11. cleaningupmyact

    cleaningupmyact Fapstronaut

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    Wow, amazing read, thanks for the link! So great they posted this on their site.

    It's strange to see the same tone of similar disregard for the suffering of all the women models and the manipulation they go through though. I guess that is to be expected from someone who collects women like objects for so long (as I said, I was the same way). But only thinking about yourself isn't the solution I think; you also have to think about the toxic harms of the industry and what our habit contributes towards.
     

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