I wanted to share this because it's part of my addiction. I'll do my best not to toss in the type of content, even though I do want to talk about that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nope, I'm not a model (thought about it for what little cash I could make). I'm a simple 33 year old who after some 15 years of using the internet, learned enough html and video editing to be able to produce the content I wanted to see. What started and streaming Realplayer videos on a website (yup, back in the day-day), to learning how to actually save them when "Right Click > Save as" was disabled, to getting screen recording software and studio-level editing tools, I was able to feed my budding addiction and share with others. It was empowering. I should say that what I like falls into the fetish arena, and from what my wife calls "this isn't porn." I qualify what I watch as porn as it has the same effect on my sexually even if the content is pg. It was cool strolling through the internet, finding even 3 seconds of footage and having a new video up in a minute. I am/was really good at it. I have 2 youtube channels, one for P. free content that I want to be known for, and a channel that contained my "other works." Of course the 2nd channel had some 50k subs while my existing channel is... well I'm happy with it. I realized at some point, I had created about 2k videos, about maybe 1k of them were unique with the others being some remixed or updated version of an original work. I would wake up everyday and spend 2+ hours finding content, editing content, or both. I didn't necessarily like spending time looking for it, but that urge to find something new was growing. What was once limited to certain websites spread to me looking in youtube. Then from youtube to fetish specific sites. From there, it was sites dedicated to all array of P. content that did have what I was looking for. It's like an encyclopedia... a treasure trove of source content ripe for producing more. It seemed never-ending even if I didn't find what I was looking for, I'd keep scrolling... keep searching new keywords. I'd find 1 new thing that I was looking for, and that would keep me encouraged to find more. Typically, I would find what I was looking for in big waves rather than a steady flow (at some point, you've "seen it all.") When I would cycle through dropping PMO, I would still look for more P. Dropping PMO was not hard, but what was tough was this urge to look for it. I didn't solely want it for myself but I felt like I owed the community. I had 2 reasons/excuses to search for it making it that much harder to give up. This is why once I made a larger commitment to give up P., that I realized I had serious addiction. Not only was it used to get my PMO, but I was addicted to "the chase." Just like Facebook, I felt like I was missing out on a conversation, new information. I needed to know what was going on in my industry to stay relevant... in this dark, "alone" habit. It's a curious case to be sure. I want to add more to this. I thought I would share another side of this conversation. I know I'm not the only one out there doing what I've done. It's a weird thought that I used to feed the habits of others. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part 2 I am still driven to look for new content to piece together some new thing. I even searched for it yesterday on the safest site. I was fortunate that I found nothing. It wasn't a deep search and was for about 2 minutes or so. I was hoping to find nothing so I wouldn't feel like I was missing anything. It's a weird hope as well because I know I want to find something even if I'm committed not to PMO. But I would assume this was a sign of the Lord working in my life to keep me away from this. The human mind is a trip. I can find myself forming a logic to validate the search and possible creation of content even if I won't PMO. One thing that I like that I've reclaimed is the time spent looking for and creating content. This is what is lost to people... time. 2 hours every day spent on creating something that I might use for another 1 or 2 in total before it's uploaded or archived. I'm almost 30 days in and the burning for seeing P/ is all but gone. The yearning to be looking for it is there, though a little weaker, especially since I found nothing. I'm glad I have the wherewithal to not go looking for my version of P/ on legit P/ sites, but what I did wasn't wise. Yet, the feeling and confidence I have in knowing that there wasn't anything I was looking for in almost a months time in the web spaces that got me to solidify my process of P/ consumption is relaxing. On the other hand, I realized there are other "safe" sites that I didn't search that I am in high confidence that I would find something. What is scary is the grip this stuff has on me from multiple angles. I think I have my commitment to no PMO on lock. Where I am wavering is engaging in looking for P/ content to "insert BS reason." It really doesn't matter that I would make sure not to PMO, the fact that I entertain going back to searching for the very content that made my wife lose confidence in me is frightening. My mind, like others, is selfish. It can easily put out other's feelings, even when I claim to care, to satisfy a lust to P/. I don't see this sort of logic appear anywhere else in my life. In actuality, I don't have much of a care for the P/ consuming community beyond that they exist. I know I only care about producing P/ just for me. The question is, it's not just a work of art catalog like my Youtube channel made for music and games. It's a shady space whose objective is made very obvious to anyone that browsed its wares. I remember getting 2 emails from women that wanted me to remove content because they didn't want to this to be attached to them. Even if the content was freely available to anyone, anywhere and I don't alter what is being viewed, the fact that it would exist in a library with other videos that communicate an obvious fetish restructures how someone would view their work. Out of 3ish requests to remove certain videos, 1 made sure to protect a person's identity, another was taken down for copyright, and 1 I did nothing and beat a claim due to creative commons among other reasons. There is still much more to write. This is a good stopping point.