I WAS the problem the whole time

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by salaciousDone, Nov 23, 2021.

  1. salaciousDone

    salaciousDone Fapstronaut

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    For years my wife has been telling me that I was not the man she fell in love with, that I had changed and that I had become an awful partner. And for years I have dismissed it as her own insecurities talking, not anything I've done. But after discovering this community and reading people stories/experiences I suddenly realise that what she has been saying is true, and that the cause of this shift on my part is probably down to my PMO addiction.

    I've never considered PMO to be a problem, but I also never realised that it could become an addiction or have any psychological affects. It always seems ridiculous to me that people thought of a bit of PMO as anything but normal... It appears I have been either in denial or an idiot for most of my life.

    When I met my SO, I stopped PMO cold-turkey, and I kept off it for a long time, but gradually I started watching porn again and I guess by the time we were engaged I was back to binging it whenever I was alone at home. This coincides with when I began to change.

    A decade later I am beginning to realise just how badly I have f**ked up. I'm going to try to break the addiction, but I am scared that's actually going to be the easy part of this whole mess to sort out (but maybe not, I have been hooked on porn for 25 years). I don't know how I'm going to rebuild my relationship with my SO. Hopefully as "the real me" emerges from this addiction we'll be able to reconnect. I just hope I haven't left things too late
     
  2. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Where is your SO now? Is she still with you or separated from you?
     
  3. salaciousDone

    salaciousDone Fapstronaut

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    We are still together, the title should probably have read I AM the problem to make that more clear. Were it not for our kids, things might be quite different though. Yesterday I started listening to the "The Betrayed, The Addicted and The Expert" podcast and its beginning to dawn on me that it is going to be a very long, hard road for both of us to try and rebuild our relationship.
     
    Nugget9 and Krishna Das like this.
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Lol. Yes it will take a very long time. However, your relationship will increasingly get better and better the longer you remain clean and in recovery.
     
  5. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    My husband came to a similar realization. He thought he had it all contained in a box that touched nothing else. He was clueless to how much it changed him and how it made him treat me. And that then all of that gave birth to most of the problems we were having and those problems made more and more distance.
     
  6. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Hey salaciousDone, I'm in a similar situation. I've been compulsively using pornography and masturbating for basically 20 years. My partner has literally never known me at a time when this was not an issue in my life. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have 2 kids together. The lying is what has been the most damaging to our relationship, but it's not the only issue we have.

    I don't have any easy answers for you, but I'd be happy to compare notes if you'd like. Hit me up if you want to talk. I had a recent relapse and am literally in the process of creating a better plan to overcome my addiction as I post this.

    Make recovery your #1 priority! You owe it to your spouse, but also to yourself.
     
  7. salaciousDone

    salaciousDone Fapstronaut

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    100% this, it never occurred to me that this behaviour was abnormal or could possibly be impacting ANY other part of my life, let alone ALL of it. Shame and denial making the most obvious things invisible to the perpetrator, but it also doesn't help that I have the EQ of a cinder block (although I am hoping that's also as a result of the addiction and that too will improve over time).
     
    ANewFocus and Krishna Das like this.
  8. Tradr

    Tradr New Fapstronaut

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    I am exactly the same.Trying to kick the habit and getting back emotional connection with my wife which was basically lost and almost marriage.Keep it Up , man !
     
    ANewFocus likes this.

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